Question for the cheaters out there

[Runrabbitw]

I’m not looking to start a witch hunt, but I’d really like to hear from people who have cheated and how they can live with it? I would be an anxious mess if I did something like that, I’m trying to wrap my head around how my ex can do it. I’ve spent the last 2 years falling for his lies and I just don’t understand. I don’t think he is a nasty person, but how does he keep on doing it , knowing that he is hurting me?
How do people flip from one person to another, over and over?

My partner had an affair while she was with her ex. I would never have known, it wasn't relevant and I'll never run into the guy because he lives a long way away and they have no contact.

She told me because it had been such a stress, not just during the affair but for the remainder of the relationship after that. I just don't think she wanted any skeletons in the closet and wanted her current partner to know everything.

As for why... selfish partner who didn't help with anything and went out drinking while she sat at home with the kids, then got arsey and sulky when she wasn't up for sex when he stumbled back. She knows it wasn't 'ok' and that splitting up with him would have been the correct course of action, but felt that he was utterly dependent on her. I suppose fidelity could be tricky if your partner feels like just another one of the kids you're looking after.

Aside from that, I don't think I'd ever judge someone in an abusive, controlling relationship for finding a spark of appreciation and joy elsewhere. Especially if it inspires them to finally leave. If someone trusts you with their heart and you grind it into the ground with your heel, don't be surprised if someone else picks it up and treats it better...

Name changed for this. I love my husband very much but he is disabled and we have no sex life any more. I don't want to leave him and he shied away from the idea of an open relationship when I tentatively broached it some time back. I haven't cheated IRL but I am now having a long term online affair with a man in a vaguely similar situation and we haven't ruled out meeting if/when circumstances and geography allow. I compartmentalise, as does he; neither of us want to end our marriages, we're both happy in most respects but we're both suffering from a lack of intimacy, of feeling desired. I take care of my husband, his wants and needs come first except I can no longer give him complete fidelity. I've carved out this selfish little piece of time and space for myself. I never want or intend to hurt my husband, if the affair ends for whatever reason I won't be looking for another and I won't ever tell him. I'm not proud of it, but it's a hard thing to live a completely sexless life.

@JustAQuickThrowaway I don't think you're selfish. I think to an extent your DH is. He can no longer meet your needs sexually, through no fault of his own but nevertheless, he can't. Yet he expects you to remain celibate and not have your needs met. You were open with him and suggested an open relationship which he declined. Therefore, you are pursuing the only option available to you. You have needs too.
I wish you all the best in what sounds like a very difficult situation.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness. I had an affair in my first marriage in my 20s for exactly those same reasons. Someone came along (single) who I really liked and made me feel a bit more than Cinderella. I got caught out and we stayed married but nothing changed and 2 years later I left because I realised not all men tested women like this

I think however complicated or apparently understandable the reasons are, the black and white element here is pretty simple.
Cheating is morally wrong. Deceiving someone to get what you want isn’t very noble behaviour, however you dress it up. That remains the same whatever the cheater’s life circumstances, however difficult. Cheating is a choice. There are other choices available.
The rest is excuses and whether they are ‘understandable’ or not, heartbreaking or not, it’s still a choice that the cheater makes and they are choosing to act in a morally reprehensible way to avoid dealing with their relationship problems, or simply to make themselves feel better by indulging in behaviour that risks their partner’s sexual health and if discovered, could ruin their lives and mental health too.
Children and extended family and friends also get hurt by the aftermath and I don’t think there’s a justification for risking hurting so many people. Sadly I know of two people who cheated who totally underestimated the impact of their actions and took their own lives, being unable to deal with the consequences. It’s an enormously serious issue.
I don’t think cheating is necessarily ‘accepted’ now, I think it’s just talked about more openly and not a taboo subject. Human frailty has probably always been the same and we just acknowledge that fact more now. Openly acknowledging that it happens and discussing it doesn’t mean it’s become ‘accepted’. I’ve yet to read a thread here where cheating was met with ‘what’s your problem? That’s totally acceptable behaviour.’
It’s far easier on our consciences to just say that ‘it’s not that simple’ or ‘it’s not that black and white’ or ‘life’s not always as easy as that’ to avoid looking at one’s questionable personal choices in the face of difficulties. Cheating sometimes seems the easier option than facing the music of your life and being brave enough to do something about it openly and honestly.
Everyone has difficulties in life, everyone gets bored in a relationship sometimes, everyone gets tempted sometimes. Everyone gets faced with tough decisions. Not everyone cheats. There really is a black and white reason for that. It’s just wrong.

Ahh Wookie, beautifully put!

Totally in agreement. These are all excuses.

@Ladybug123

A lack of boundaries. A need for pathetic ego kibbles. A lack of understanding of what love actually is. An ability to compartmentalise. Addiction, depression, mental health crisis List goes on and on. All of these and more are given as the reasons.

But…

Selfishness and entitlement is the BOTTOM LINE.

People cheat because they want to and then they create a web of lies and justifications to support what they know is a morally reprehensible thing to do. I would not want to do anything which causes trauma to another. I honestly don’t think that infidelity related PTSD is talked about enough. Cheating is considered by many as a form of abuse.

IMHO there’s also some really nasty power play going on. Cheaters are robbing their spouse of their personal agency, somewhere deep down I think they like having that level of control.

I honestly am a believer that people can change, but they have to want to and they have to do serious work to become a safe partner. Most don’t.

Please ignore posters like this, I've seen people cheat as an escape from an abusive relationship, how is this selfish and entitled?

I think most people can cheat in the wrong circumstances .If they know they won’t get caught ,the person is funny,extremely attractive, intelligent and appears to be mad about you .The reason celebrities cheat so much is they are tempted on a whole different level and are away from home a lot so are unlikely to get caught.

Arthurbloom sadly I have a right to post an opinion and one that is backed up by current infidelity research. I’m not talking from a lack of knowledge here.

Bottom line is you can always walk away from an abusive relationship. It’s the healthier thing to do for yourself and for your family.

Please ignore posters like this, I've seen people cheat as an escape from an abusive relationship, how is this selfish and entitled?

Because why not just leave? If you are able to find the space, time and strength to sleep with someone else despite being in an abusive relationship then why not put that time and energy into leaving it. Cheating is never going to boost your self esteem, that comes from within - only your ego. Until you work on your own self esteem the chances are you're jumping out of the pan and into the fire. Why
throw your morals out the window? They are what separate you from the scum you're with. Basically it's just wanting to have someone else lined up before they leave so they can be dependent on them as they were on the ex.

Echoing the above posters.
Abuse is not to be tolerated. However, abusing someone in return makes you no better than them. Cheating involves lying, deceiving, gaslighting and manipulating. If those aren’t part of the spectrum of abusive behaviours I don’t know what are.
You can leave. Other choices are available. You don’t need to stay to be further abused and allow their awful behaviour to turn you into an abuser too. Leaving isn’t always easy and with abuse it can be downright dangerous, but there are agencies to help you. Bringing cheating into the toxic mix of an abusive relationship is a crutch to avoid facing the abuser and leaving.

I think its because in this country we cannot talk about relationships calmly and maturely including that they may have a shelf life. Until we get better at those extremely difficult conversations then cheating will continue to happen. We need to talk about our unhappiness in relationships honestly to understand if it is a phase or fatal. The irony is that most people are so afraid of hurting their partner by sharing these feelings that they end up doing something which hurts them far more.

I firmly believe cheating is a symptom of something and not a cause. Happy people in fulfilling relationships with good mental health do not as a rule go off on a path of destruction. Because i believe that most people are inherently good even the ones who make these mistakes.

When we flame and castigate and judge these people we miss out on all the learning opportunities for them to do better next time and us all avoid it by forcing it underground and stigmatising it.

I think its a bigger problem with our society and lives and concepts of marriage and long term relationships-and not that vast swathes of people are evil love rats.

Not me but my ex cheated, he was abandoned by his birth mother at an age where he knew her and understood. He was then in an adoptive placement that broke down. He had sever attachment issues and craved attention and love like nothing I've ever seen, he really struggled to refuse any attention at all and if he got the slightest hint anyone was interested would act on it. Didn't make it hurt less but I do understand, he desperately wanted a family with me and the woman who came after but kept breaking up relationships. I know he's attempted suicide at least twice.

Not trying to excuse anyone but it's very often not about the person being cheated on.

I’ve never cheated but I’ve been cheated on and I’ve friends having affairs.

I found it initially so bizarre to see otherwise clever women do this - compartmentalise what they were doing. The men, that was more obvious - idiots falling for the fluttering eyes of younger women.

I talk when I can to my friends who are having affairs. They literally do not consider the wife. Or swallow the story that she’s not part of their story. And to a degree I agree with that. One friend is married and having an affair with a married man. She is miserable in her marriage and the affair seems quite sad too and based on bullshit - I don’t even believe she gets much out of it other than someone caring for her. From the outside looking in, I think she uses her attractiveness to pave her way in life, and this married man is another piece to her “getting out” of her shit relationship at home. Not agreeing with any of that, but that’s what I see playing out in front of me. Unhappiness everywhere.

I’ve not cheated, not because I’m a better person, but because I’d get myself so confused and muddled and I believe every action had a consequence and I can’t see what chain of events it might trigger in my life (asides from the obvious ones of getting caught and the fallout). I’m too risk adverse.

I think people do not cheat for the same reason, like everything, it’s hugely varying.

When I was cheated ON I felt humiliated by my partner and the being made to feel like I was paranoid was the unforgivable bit. That screws up your head far too much because to encourage someone to disconnect form their instinct is a terrible terrible thing to do. And that’s what cheering does in reality.

It's not the new normal whatsoever. It's not acceptable to the majority and people need to be mindful of the audience of the ' relationships' board! Most people are here due to issues with their relationship, so there is a disproportionate bias that is displayed.

Sorry op, know it doesn't answer your question but some of the responses are concerning, especially to someone that may feel vulnerable in their relationship

Cheating not CHEERING

To the pp saying they don't know anyone who has cheated. I know a man who everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse. Charismatic, friendly, intelligent, successful, great dad and husband. Only I know that he has cheated on his wife.

Same could have been said for my ex. No-one would have thought for a million years that he would have had an affair. he portrayed a family man persona (to me and our kids too), thoroughly decent bloke, would do anything for anyone, except I found out he was having an affair with a younger woman at work.

I used to be very black and white on this but my eyes have been opened to how common it is and that cheating is not a good thing to do but it doesn't make you the worst person in the world. My ex is still a good dad, friend, brother, etc...he just can't be faithful, making him a bit of a crap partner, which thankfully isn't my problem anymore.

For some, unfaithfulness may due to complex reasons, for others it is simply because they can. Either way, it's a choice.

There is a song by Conway Twitty called "how much more can she stand" about a cheating husband and it just stuck with me after my now ex cheated. He sang "my reasons for cheating are as good as lies can be" and that kind of sums it up for me.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=RKwikc-ucqs

@spicychickenwing absolutely. I too believe most people are inherently good or at very least know the difference between right and wrong. It’s the lack of talking about relationships and avoiding the honest conversations, no matter how difficult. Cheating is definitely a symptom of something else. It’s not about the person being cheated on or the relationship or life situation at the end of the day, it’s about what people do when faced with these issues.

I don’t agree with flaming people either, absolutely nobody is perfect and we all screw up at some point or do things we’re not proud of. I do however think that we need to be responsible for our choices, admit this to ourselves and then try to put things right without blaming others for making choices we weren’t forced into. No matter how tempting it is for our consciences to believe that we had no choice in the face of our difficulties, if we’re honest, we did have other choices, we just didn’t take them.

Name changed. Long time cheat and have cheated with married men.

I’ve considered this a lot. Inherently I’m a selfish person. I give so much of myself at work and to my children that I allow myself to be selfish with what I want. The chase, the excitement, the first time sex, it feels good. That good feeling outweighs the guilt or worry. It just does.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It's normal.

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays its normal to be unfaithful.

This is the main reason i'm single.

And sick mainstream shows like Netflix's Sex Life basically encouraging women to cheat for thrills.

I firmly believe cheating is a symptom of something and not a cause

Cheating is a cause of one thing: bad character

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It's normal.

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays its normal to be unfaithful.

This is the main reason i'm single.

It's certainly not normal and, to most people, it's not acceptable.

Cheating is wrong, totally wrong.

@Sunshineandflipflops I’m not black and white about whether people are good or bad people. Sometimes people do bad things and good things and everything in between. I like to think I’m inherently a pretty good person but I know that despite that I’ve done some pretty bad things too if I’m honest. Whilst were engaging in bad behaviour we’re perceived as being a bad person, which isn’t necessarily true.

I’m black and white about what constitutes a good or bad thing to do to someone though. The difference between right and wrong. That’s how I know I’ve behaved badly. My conscience tells me.
Because I believe that most people are inherently good, I’m a great believer that people can learn from their behaviour and change it though. Nobody should be damned forever if they’ve faced their poor choices and put things right for themselves and others.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It's normal.

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays its normal to be unfaithful.

This is the main reason i'm single.

I don't think it's ever been "normal" to be faithful. More that it was normal for the spouse to "turn a blind eye" for fear of breaking up a family or loosing financial security. You could even say the blame was placed on the spouse for not being good enough to prevent wandering eyes. That's what made my mother put up with it. Now, I think there's much less incentive to stay or shame in leaving making cheating appear more common, where it's just more visible.x