Question for the cheaters out there

[Runrabbitw]

I’m not looking to start a witch hunt, but I’d really like to hear from people who have cheated and how they can live with it? I would be an anxious mess if I did something like that, I’m trying to wrap my head around how my ex can do it. I’ve spent the last 2 years falling for his lies and I just don’t understand. I don’t think he is a nasty person, but how does he keep on doing it , knowing that he is hurting me?
How do people flip from one person to another, over and over?

Particularly interesting those who said they were in a bad place mentally, decided to then inflict mental anguish on another person. The hypocrisy.

Exactly, I'll just take my suffering, multiply it by ten and dump it on my partner because me, me, me.

@Gilda152. I think the thing is though whilst the right thing to do is to say you’ve met someone else and want to leave to pursue a relationship- it’s usually become an affair anyway before anyone gets to that point of leaving for someone else, so whether you find out or your partner tells the truth it’s still hurtful. The honest thing to do really is if you aren’t happy and realise you are vulnerable to an affair is to leave with no one in mind/- but few men seem to do it - although more women do if threads on this board are anything to go by

@Crikeyalmighty I agree. I think when men leave they more often that not have someone lined up, even if they've not cheated yet - and they'll still swear blind that's not the case. I think men who do have affairs (apart from serial cheats) will stay with the OW whereas women who have affairs will more often than not use that as a confidence boost and an exit affair from their current relationship. Both men and women will say, well it's not really my fault...I did it because my ex...

My ex left me 'to be alone' and then a couple of months later got with the woman I 'had suspicions about. It hurt a lot but I can only imagine less than if he'd been seeing her behind my back and I'm pretty certain he wasn't, physically anyway, there were probably messages. I don't have an animosity towards him now as I'm really happily married. It hurt to be left but betryal is inifinitely worse I think, you just feel like an unwanted, stupid, idiot. (been there too).

Never cheated, not once, ever. Why would I want to inflict agony on someone I purport to love?

My exh cheated twice. When we finally discussed it openly after I left, he just shrugged and said "the opportunity arose and I took it, never even considered you'd find out or what would happen if you did." But then he has a me me me streak that runs deep, so why would he even think of the possible ramifications. He handled the fallout like a pro, told me I was crazy and paranoid and it was all in my mind.

Cheating is way more than the act, it's all the little bits that happen during and after too.

That’s what I was going to say about the ‘I fell in love’ justification earlier. By the time you know you have fallen in love it’s already been an ongoing affair, surely? Falling in love doesn’t make cheating any more noble than any other kind of cheating. I’ve yet to meet anyone who has been cheated on who would say “Ah! You cheated because you fell in love? Well, that makes everything ok then.”
Cheating takes many forms and the lead up to anything physical is an affair too, even if it’s ‘just’ a flirty text, if you need to hide it from your partner, that’s cheating too.
Totally agree that the act itself doesn’t hurt as much or do anywhere near as much damage as the lies, deception, manipulation and betrayal aspects of cheating.
Whatever justification a cheater puts forward, the person they are harming by their decision (nothing ‘just happens’, cheating is a decision, there is always a point at which you can back out) is conveniently left out of the argument. Cheating damages the lives and mental health of so many people. Heartbreaking.

Above post is a reply to @Crikeyalmighty.

I have to say a lot of the debate on this is around exit affairs, most infidelity is purely around cake eating, serial cheating or destructive limerant affairs (soulmate, twu luv stuff that then proves to be FAR from that), then they get caught.

If you look into the statistics for exit affairs it’s shocking how few cheats actually stay with the affair partner after they left which kind of knocks the true love stuff out the window.

And I can’t tell you the number of regretful stories I’ve heard from men who left their wives.

It’s a huge act of self harm as well as passing pain on. And I wish we’d stop trying to excuse it and recognise it for what it is. It could prevent so many families being destroyed for essentially nothing!

I should have said for some it can be a huge act of self harm, imploding your own life and passing pain on.

@Thewookiemustgo. Absolutely Wookiee— personally for me (and as far as I’m aware this was just an infatuation on his side) finding songs/poems written for someone all about feelings towards someone else and knowing the amount of what I thought perfectly legit time was spent with this person and lies told to ‘pop round’ extremely frequently was far more upsetting to me mentally than any one night stand or kiss. I think in many ways I would have found the betrayal easier with something more clear cut— men really don’t seem to think it’s a betrayal/affair of any kind unless shagging /sexual contact is involved

Ive had my mental health completely destroyed by cheating partners. I dont really tell anyone because i feel a lot of shame about it for some reason

And i never want a relationship again

@BrozTito

And i never want a relationship again

Me neither.

Years ago, it used to be normal to be faithful. Nowadays its normal to be unfaithful.

Really? I don't personally know of anyone that has admitted to cheating, although I'm sure there must be some who have, but I don't think it's a new thing. I think it is more common now for people to end a relationship due to cheating but I'm sure it always went on. Much more likely to have a blind eye turned as PP said.

Rich people especially were well-known throughout history for adultery. In some circles it was expected.

Honestly, I had a pattern for years. Was in relationship. Was unhappy. Tried to talk about it, didn't get anywhere, felt bad for being selfish and making someone else unhappy, tried to fix things, failed, chewed myself up trying to figure out what was a "legitimate" excuse to leave, hoped partner would dump me, didn't get dumped, and let the relationship go on far too long until I found myself in a situation where I'd met someone, and had to make a choice and did. They were all exit affairs - lasted maybe a few days or a few weeks while I ended the relationship.

And that stopped when I met the person I've now been with for nearly 20 years.

I don't think it was great behaviour on my part but I don't think it's that uncommon or complicated. I think guilt and fear and habit keep a lot of people in bad relationships until an external factor jolts them out of it.

A lot of these people very obviously cant be alone. I dont really buy the idea that its impossible to live without sex. I find it exceptionally easy as do millions of others.

I think this bullshit idea emerged in the 90s rewatching Friends its noticeable that they make a big deal of one the single characters not having had a rut for 6 weeks.

@BrozTito. I agree with you- if I end up on my own I’m not sure I would ever be bothered again- maybe at 59 it’s an age thing - but I certainly wouldn’t desperately be actively looking for someone to shag

@Thewookiemustgo

That’s what I was going to say about the ‘I fell in love’ justification earlier. By the time you know you have fallen in love it’s already been an ongoing affair, surely? Falling in love doesn’t make cheating any more noble than any other kind of cheating. I’ve yet to meet anyone who has been cheated on who would say “Ah! You cheated because you fell in love? Well, that makes everything ok then.” Cheating takes many forms and the lead up to anything physical is an affair too, even if it’s ‘just’ a flirty text, if you need to hide it from your partner, that’s cheating too. Totally agree that the act itself doesn’t hurt as much or do anywhere near as much damage as the lies, deception, manipulation and betrayal aspects of cheating. Whatever justification a cheater puts forward, the person they are harming by their decision (nothing ‘just happens’, cheating is a decision, there is always a point at which you can back out) is conveniently left out of the argument. Cheating damages the lives and mental health of so many people. Heartbreaking.

Totally agree.

My ex was using prostitutes and shocking as that was (a whole other is THAT what you think of women / is that how you see sex, story) and I left him for it, I didn’t have to deal with any of the pain of him having an affair or a connection with someone else and making me feel inadequate.

The secrecy was all round booking arrangements, and sneaking off. And I felt relief that everything added up finally. But I didn’t have that, “oh, I’m the cast off, unwanted, idiot woman” feeling to deal with. I just had to deal with the fact he was an asshole! In fact he was incapable of closeness and those “sex encounters” confirmed that to me.

Agree with spicychickenwing, it's just not as black and white as some people stubbornly expound.

I don't know why posters who are so aghast at the ramifications of cheating keep flocking to a thread about it? Why? If it upsets you so much, what is your gain?

If you've never cheated then you won't know why it happens, regardless of the 'journals' posted, people aren't generic and 'the script', whilst a useful checklist for some is just yet another navel-gazing waste of time in my opinion.

People who are happy/love their partner do not cheat. However much the cheated-on person needs to believe otherwise, they just don't. I also agree that being able to compartmentalise is a useful skill, not necessarily for cheating, but it must greatly assist.

Cheaters are scum, absolute scum. There is no reason in the world that makes it acceptable. Never been cheated on so not bitter at all but have seen the fallout for people who have been cheated on. Oh and it isn't normal at all.

Cheating has implications that reach far wider then just the couple involved. I found out by accident that two colleagues were having an affair, one married other was single. I was pretty shocked and spoke to one of the, about it, they then tried to use me as an alibi for the clandestine meetings! When it ended it was awful to be around as the married colleague was dumped by the single one and didn’t take it well at all. They both tried to offload there misery onto me, i repeated to both several times “not my problem”! It is black and white cheating is wrong BUT in my opinion the reasons are all shades of grey and none of us should judge. Nobody knows the reasons anyone does these things, I didn’t ask my colleagues as I didn’t want any involvement in it at all.

Why did you involve yourself by talking about it, Tara336? I wouldn't have; I'm not interested in other people's relationships.

You opened the door.

I never thought cheating was that common. Maybe it's just my industry of work but nearly every social party there were affairs amongst colleagues (some married, some partnered but mostly they were never single). It was men and women, young and old, all different seniority within the company.

I even worked years ago with a woman who worked in the same office as her husband and bit on the side. And everyone in the office except her husband knew about the affair. Was very uncomfortable indeed.

I've even been to work parties where colleagues having an affair have partied together like double date couples - completely unaware that their other halves are shagging each other.

I have had married (with children) COO's and board directors talk to me suggestively. They spend the working week away from home in London and go back to their families at the weekend. So have free reign during the week to live their bachelor lives. This particular COO always took young female graduates out to VIP boxes. What a total creep.

Many of the men I've worked with live by the coast or out in the country and then stay overnight in London during work socials (as it's easier than getting home) which is when they usually cheated.

One director in my company got caught banging his secretary over his desk after work. He got fired. Wonder how he explained that one to his wife...

Honestly, it is absolutely rife!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I didn’t get involved, but had to speak to them due to the way I found out and the fact I was the boss of one of the cheaters who was doing it on company time. I was friends with the other cheater and was in a horrible position that I had unwittingly found myself in. Once I had made it known I’d found out and would take further action if it continued on company time and after speaking to the colleague that was also a friend voicing my disapproval (and concern) there was nothing further for me too add. But when it ended I had the married colleague making a fuss over being dumped (not my problem) and the single colleague complaining that married colleague was making their life difficult at work (kind of my problem). You can warn people these things are morally wrong and that they will live to regret it.... doesn’t mean they will listen and doesn’t mean they won’t try and suck you into their self created problems

That's awkward, Tara, I had similar when my boss was seeing one of the women from the admin office. They weren't secret about it and she started chucking her weight about. My boss's wife was a regular caller and it was difficult. I told my boss that what he did was up to him but if it caused a problem with our working relationship then I'd report it myself. As it was, higher boss knew about it, didn't approve. Affair died a death but it was uncomfortable for everybody not involved at the time.

I think that's all you can do - keep it about work, totally professional with 'not in work time' and threaten (and carry out) disciplinary measures if one or both warrant this.

I found it best to never talk about it on a personal level but that is so difficult!