Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

Genuinely though, do you reply to things like that? I can't imagine what the response could be from you except totally ignoring it or a crying-laughing emoji.

Please tell me that your ignoring all communication of that nature?

Do not defend or justify your parenting or anything else for that matter.

Take a time stamped copy and file it under "abusive email"

Ignore him, don't tell him, don't confirm, don't deny.....
his talking in the wind, it can only wind you up if you care....

Yes I didn't reply to that part... I did initially reply as he asked how she slept at mine, so I asked if she was managing to sleep ok at his - his complaint was that she comes into his bed and I need to stop encouraging it. Was very tempted to reply with a laughing emoji but resisted 😇

@BowerOfBramble he's in a very senior position at work!! He oversees a large team that report to him and from what I've observed he is a decent team leader, I think he enjoys observing and guiding his minions from his position up high, with the occasional flex of power when required 😆

Stop giving away information there is ALWAYS a hidden agenda to his questions.

"How does she sleep at yours?"

"Why are you asking, are you having problems?"

Always, always go back questioning him why he is fishing for information from you.

The reply with "DD is always happy when with me" or similar.

I also would have left it a few days before even replying. You really need to grey rock him.

How does she sleep ?, "Perfectly"....
give zero info on any subject

I agree with @Mix56 if he asks how she sleeps just say 'she sleeps well' don't ask him how she sleeps at his house, if he complains about her getting into his bed just ignore him, he's not asked a question so no need to respond

Good tips, thank you all i think I'm so used to responding to him instantly that its force of habit plus I think I probably enjoy a bit of pleasant coparenting chat..of course it usually doesn't turn out like that 🤣

I have good news though, he finally relented on the holiday approval. I'd emailed to ask him to reconsider on the basis that if I applied for a court order it would undoubtably be approved given that there's no reasonable basis to deny a holiday (and it's clearly in her best interests). He said no again because he was in a strop about something else but then he randomly emailed to say he was ok with the proposed dates! So I've booked before he changes his mind again 🙈 and in less than 4 weeks me and my daughter will be off on a sunny holiday!

We need to complete on our new house and move in the week before, so it's going to be a bit of a busy run up, but hopefully worth it

It will be sooo worth it op, well don't forget not letting it drop.

You're right, it's taken him years to 'train' you, so you won't unlearn it all in a few weeks.

Please get her passport now so he doesn't use that to yank your chain

Excellent.. well maneuvered.
You're moving? I missed that step! Does XH know where ? Surely he made all sorts of barriers apropos the address/other?
Call in help from your friends to box up.

Yes random, getting passport is next battle 🙈 I'm tempted to tell my daughter to pack it up to bring when I next pick her up from his as he'd give it to her no problem, but don't want to use her as some sort of manoeuvring tool.

mix, we're moving into the new build house that I've been waiting to complete on apparently they're on 'second fix' with the build which I think means plastering and radiators and stuff like that so nearly there. the house we're in now is a temp rental to plug the gap. Can't wait to get settled in!

I guess you tell DD about the holiday and be all excited by it and he won't want her to be told the reason you aren't going is because he won't hand over her passport.

Or if you see him at handover ask in front of her?

It would manipulative to ask for something he wouldn't agree with but he has now agreed.

I am now wondering what his next demand will be so he can threaten to change his mind or it's a tactic to prove he deserves 50:60 to the court - his solicitor may have advised being obstructive will go against him.

Well he already has two holidays booked that I happily agreed to before all of this, so he can't possibly be awkward about it again given I could theoretically do the same to him. But I wouldn't put anything past him, obviously in his mind the same rules don't apply to him as they do for me!

You know he will string out giving you the passport until the last minute to keep you on edge.
Ask for it in front of her, say you have to scan it in to the passenger locator form or other official body...

Well as expected he's refusing to give me the passport. He said I could have it closer to the holiday and when I said 'why should it stay at yours' he said 'why should you get more time with dd' 🙄

He sent a very polite email yesterday setting out how he'd been very flexible agreeing to work her schedule around my workdays and he expected to get 50% from September when she starts school as that is in her best interests.

This morning though he has indicated that he won't give me the passport until I reply to that email and also sent a load of messages implying I was threatening him on his doorstep and how shaken up he was by it 🙄 unbeknown to him though I had my voice recorder round my neck so I'm feeling smug about that.

He's proposed a 2/2/3 pattern from September in his email which quite frankly is shit, it means she'd be at different homes each workday across the two week pattern so she'll be all over the place. He's clearly proposing something that would be good for him but not looking at it from her perspective.

I'm so torn over whether I should just back down and give him the extra night from September, as placating him might mean he's got nothing left to hold over me, or standing up to him and going to court. Unfortunately my solicitor doesn't think I've got much of a chance of him not getting the extra night anyway so there's prob not much point in standing up to him, as I'd likely lose and he'd become even more unbearable. I just don't know what to do

I would accept 50:50 but say it's week on week off from Friday after school and 6pm in school holidays.

You will never be able to co parent with such a bully so a rigid routine is the only way to go.

I don't think going a full week without one of us at a time would be good for her though at this age (especially a week away from me!)

Whilst on one hand I agree it will be happening for holidays anyway.

I also think transitioning between you may be more of an issue than spending longer with ex. Think about you think would be best for her.

Surely it needs to be a different pattern anyway else one person gets all the weekend?

Have a really good think what is the longest stretches and a pattern that works AND uses school as a handover point and nail down what happens in the holidays

Regarding the passport you can just state that if he doesn't give her passport over that DD will be hurt and confused as to why she is no longer going away with you after you already agreed to it and it has been booked.

Also that September is many months off and it is too soon to agree how many overnights and in what pattern contact arrangements should be. That you will continue to put DDs needs first and that she is still getting used to the current arrangements from you being her primary carer.

Something along those lines and call his bluff. Sure he may not hand the passport over but if you keep giving into his bullying where will it stop?

Yes I would say something in person about needing her passport else she won't be able to go on holiday with you and she would be very sad about that. It's not running him down just be factual.

Or ring up the passport office and report it missing and pay out for a new one.

Does he have a solicitor yet?