@AMSA and @OMGisthisforreal thank you so much for checking in and I'm sorry for the late response- I work in tax so January was my insanely busy period!
Things are ok with me. I'm still up and down with the guilt but that is definitely lessoning and I'm feeling slightly more level headed overall. I think I'm still grieving the loss of a family unit for my daughter, but I suppose that's a normal feeling after a divorce when a young child is involved? I just feel like everything is going to be so much more difficult, eg I was thinking about fun holidays for when she's older then remembered that no doubt exh will be awkward and not allow us more than a week away, which limits our adventures somewhat!
Meanwhile exh has decided he wants an extra day a fortnight (which would bring it up to 50/50, he has 6/14 at the moment). I've refused and said if he wants to pursue it he can go through our solicitors. His argument is that he goes from Thursday to Tuesday on my weekends without seeing her, which I understand, but that's just how the pattern has to fall while she's not in school. I ask if he wants to do something with her every weekend that I have her eg take her to the park or out for lunch, and he's never taken me up on it; yet now he's decided that period of absence isn't acceptable.
Of course now I've refused he's back to being an awful bully, he's told me I'm denying him reasonable time with his daughter and he expects, 'as is his right,' 50% of her time, I'm turning her against him, and I can never set foot on his property again. He was whispering threats and abuse to me (with her stood right there; I don't think she heard but she def picked up on weirdness ) when I last picked her up from his house. So im back to carrying the recording device on me whenever we have handover.
We agreed a few things when I switched around the weekends for him (so he could have time with his new gf) and one was that I'd be able to take her camping with my friends and their children on Easter bank holiday weekend - switching the weekends meant that that would be his weekend so I said that I wanted to still take her if I agreed to the switch. Of course now I'm not complying with him he's said I can forget about taking her away camping.
It just feels like there's always going to be a huge cloud over me - either I back down and give him what he wants in terms of contact, or I have unpleasantness and uncooperation from him at every turn 
he'll use everything he can with first day at school, bdays etc., to make it as difficult as possible until I agree to his terms.
Why are men such dickheads?!
Hope all of you lovely ladies are doing well and that 2022 has got off to a good start for you all! 