Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

,
Option 1.
Make it as short as possible.
Notice of booking holiday xJune.
Oh & btw, you are not able to intro new woman until x date

OP,

option 1 - structure any communication with him to be as minimalist as possible.

every sentence, question and detail is an ideal platform for him to react to, get his hooks in and pull you around.

you need to become so functional and minimalist in your communication that there is nothing for him to jump on.

each word is an invitation to attack. so give him less words.

Oh for gods sake, the only week in June that works covers Father's Day so that one is out as well 😫

so he has already introduced dd to the new woman ?
If this is the case, You might say, In view of you already having introduced dd to NW,
Your hypocrisy is awesome
I am taking DD among on X

among = camping !

Start booking your holidays for next year!

Yes he has @Mix56!! Within a 2 months from what I can tell. He also had the gf over the other night to play with them for the evening after my daughter had been at home sick all day with me (and she then went to his) and she clearly needed rest. So bloody inappropriate!

I sent him a completely separate email saying these are the options of when I can take dd away, let me know which are ok by next week. He's messaged me saying 'nice email. I'll reply when you directly answer my questions from my email.'

Perhaps you can just reply that he seems to think the agreement is null and void as he introduced DD after only x months well within the 6 months outlined so you assumed it was no longer to be adhered to.

He is a nightmare.

His poor new women being taken in by the love bombing and woe is me.

I think I'd be tempted to respond with

Thanks for your email, I'll be taking dd away on x day and I'm informing you as agreed.

As for your questions, I can see only one. 'can you please clarify that you consider it reasonable to diverge from the terms of the original agreement that we had?' A certain level of flexibility is required to co parent successfully, such as your request to swap weekends, my request to take dd away on x date, and yourself introducing gf on x before the agreed timescales. The changes made require flexibility on both sides.

As stated it appears we have both diverged from the terms of the original agreement. However if you'd like to stick to a more stringed agreement, I'll happily move back to the agreed alternative weekends, this way it will also avoid dd being in contact with your new gf.

Regards
Help

Then leave it as that. You don't have to respond to his previous email as it's not anything to do with him or your dc

As for his email.

Before I review your request can you please clarify that you consider it reasonable to diverge from the terms of the original agreement that we had? [...] This leaves me somewhat confused that you are deadset to stick to the terms of the agreement in certain areas, yet dismissive of other terms as and when it suits your particular desires

Nothing to do with your dc, he's trying to antagonise you - ignore

i have been very flexible to adapt to the fact that you work part time, a decision made as a family which you have used to your advantage in our separation, and left me to pick up the nursery bill for*

There's not a question - ignore

We are miles away from a 50:50 split, which should be the default position, and the fact that you are unable to accept this is absolute hypocrisy. It's strange that you are so passionate about sex discrimination and gender equality, yet you yourself are guilty of discriminating against me as a father and my rights to see my daughter

No question - ignore

Ooh I like that @2DogsOnMySofa, thank you. The problem is as soon as I show any feistiness or hint of standing up to him then I am met with more abuse, but I've learnt now that I can't force him to be nice (or even civil or neutral) to me by trying to tiptoe around things. Just feels like I can never do anything right!

Oh sorry RandomMess missed yours, yes definitely tempted to respond along those lines...then chuck my phone somewhere and hide for a bit 😆 I keep having visions of us being at the airport and then us being intercepted because he's called up the airport security to stop me taking her out of the country 😂

Who has the passport, I suppose if it's him then he just won't hand it over if he is being a dick

Yep it's him (he bullied me into giving it to him a while back). I've considered telling him I assume he's lost it and cancelling it then getting a new one, but that would unleash all sorts of fury from him 🤣

Does anyone know, do I need written permission from him to take her abroad, given we have different surnames? Or is birth certificate sufficient?

I've got a different surname to my dd and my husband has a different surname to us all (I kept my maiden name). I've always taken all the paperwork with me, just in case, such as birth certificates etc but I've never once been asked about the different surnames.

I think what you need to do is try and calm the waters until you've got the passport, or you are in a position to never need anything from him then start pushing back in his ridiculousness. He's groomed you to put up with his shit and back down. Unfortunately he's now only got the dc to use against you, which he will do. So get yourself in a good position and then 'what does it matter' if he releases all sorts of hell. You can shut your door and turn off your phone now

Thanks 2dogs that's good to know re travelling through airports. I just know he'd love to be difficult about if it I needed him to provide a letter of permission too!!

My daughter was crying to me today that she wanted daddy to live at our house with us 💔 and asking me why we couldn't all live together. It only lasted probably 30 seconds and then she was fine but I was then secretly crying over it for the rest of the day! She was far more upset over not being allowed cake for breakfast but I hate to think she's carrying this sadness with her about us not all being together 😭 urgh I feel like things are getting worse rather than better at the moment!!

She is just expressing part of her mixed feelings over it all. As time passes she is forgetting the awful atmosphere when you both lived together.

Isn't it interesting she doesn't want you to be at Dad's which she probably associates with unhappy times rather than happiness at your home with her?

Thank you random. She initially brought it up because she was asking if daddy could come out for lunch with us. He absolutely refuses to do anything like that, I think it would be nice for her to now and then have us together on neutral territory but I have no idea what's best for her on that front 🙈

Hello! I posted here under my old name. Just to say please stop asking him to hang out on your weekends with DD! He will use this somehow against you AND what if he says yes and you have to see the prick.

Sorry he’s being so awful now but at least he can’t follow you into the shower any more. I hope you’re enjoying the freedoms and relief when you’re not having contact issues.

He repeatedly shoes you who is

A bully
Nasty
Controlling
Manipulative

You still keep trying to appease him and seem to expect some niceness to appear.

Grey rock, minimal interaction, pick your battles.

It would not be nice for your DD to spend time together with you both because of how he behaves towards you. Please accept that you need to parallel parent and there will be no shared events probably ever and that is on him.

Stop accepted being his whipping boy because you had an affair. Your marriage failed because of who he is.

Agree with the good advice above.

You spent the last years of your marriage hoping he'd have a personality transplant and turn into a decent, reasonable husband if only you'd say or do the right thing. Having divorced, you're now hoping again if you say or do the right thing he'll turn into a decent, reasonable co-parent. He won't I'm afraid. This is one of those clear situations where you need to play the hand you've been dealt, rather the one you wish you'd been dealt. Of course you wish your exH wasn't an abusive arsehold. But unfortunately he is, and you cannot change him. The only thing you control is how you respond to that, and how much headspace you allow him.

A few posts back you replied to me on Work Chap (we need a better name!)
Cavagirl you asked about the friend from work - I don't mention him much here as I'm so conscious of how we started and I feel like that's tainted things a bit sad but to answer your question, he's wonderful!! I honestly wouldn't be coping with all this nonsense without him. He listens patiently to me rant about exh every day at the moment and is a constant source of support.
This is both great but worrying because you still describe your relationship as a source of shame, which is allowing your ExH's definition of it to pervade your own feelings about it. And that's not good for your relationship, your relationship cannot be defined with respect to your previous one for it to have any longevity.

Have you restarted therapy? If not, I really think you need to prioritise this OP. You've left the marriage but the marriage hasn't left you at this point. That's absolutely no criticism - it's less than a year - but it's something to recognise and work through with someone independent, a third party. Ranting about your ex every day to your new boyfriend isn't a going to help establish your new relationship on an independent footing.

Having co-meetings or lunch in the park is a terrible idea. Dd needs to know you're never going to get back with XH.
He was & is an agressive bully to you,
Devious, manipulative & at the limit if dangerous.
Dont forget the threats of you falling down the stairs, or in front of a car...
I would say, if he is set on following the rules by the letter, then you'll revert to the original diary plan, that he asked to be change
You have been flexible & he has already ignored the introducing new woman too soon, so its a case of what suits him, but not reciprocated.
Fuck him
(This will screw up his free w/e with new woman& hopefully his booked holidays)

@Cavagirl you are so wise!! You've totally picked up on my 'source of shame,' it does worry me that I've got this small cloud over my new relationship because of how it started. It doesn't have an impact all the time (we do lots of fun things and laugh together so much) but it does make me feel quite muddled at times when I should be feeling happy. He totally understands that I will be having so many conflicting feelings but it's not fair on him to expect him to be taking all of that on all the time. I really can't afford therapy at the moment (especially given that it looks like we're court bound - how do normal people afford court?!) but I keep meaning to sign up for the NHS talking therapies thing. Will get on it!

I hear what the rest of you are saying re having meet ups with him and my daughter. It's just so weird as I know he is capable of acting normal and friendly in front of her, and know he would do it for her sake if we happened to be at the same event (eg her bday party which was fine), but I also know he can choose not to do that. I just wish he'd choose the reasonable behaviour option to allow our daughter to occasionally have us both in the same place! It won't be happening now anyway as he's in bully mode to try and pressure me into giving him an extra night.

For those who have split from the children's fathers, what pattern have you had? Am I being unreasonable to not allow 50/50 at this point? He keeps messaging me saying how much she misses him, and gives him big hugs when she sees him etc and that I'm just being selfish not agreeing to allowing her to see him more. But he's bloody got 6/14!! If he wants to have more time with her he can go part time and look after her instead of sending her to nursery! Bah I'm going round in circles on this point.

Please just block him.

It's about money nothing more nothing less.

Tell him once you are not willing to discuss it, DD is happy and settled when she's with you and she needs some stability. You are happy to address it when she goes to school and things will need to change then now.