Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you ladies for your opinions on a bed pictures ❤️ I think you are all wonderful x

Hi @UtterSocks 👋
Nice to see you.
Can't believe your ex, what a twit - I hope the divorce is progressing well and you can soon be rid of him.

Great news for you and Mr G - such a shame the kids aren't older and he can get the house sold.

I'm so pleased you managed to get rid of your collection of messaging men - Mr G deserves your full attention.

[quote Naimee87]@Heartbeats0708 i’ve thought about this as well as i think MrElf may have stronger feelings for me than i do for him but this isn’t scaring me off it’s got me excited as i can feel myself wanting to fall for him more and more its just given my past i’m so scared to simply relax into the relationship no matter how hard i’m trying to. But he’s been in love before as he’s opened up about his previous relationships. I’m sure i was in love with my son’s dad but we were so young and i don’t even feel like that same person anymore. Then i had thought i was in ‘love’ with MrS but this was simply in ‘lust’ really. He definitely ‘love-bombed’ when i think back. Do you get the impression you and MrD are on the same page with feelings? Has it felt like he’s about to say he’s in love with you or have you already said it? Do you feel so strongly about him? I guess with past experiences it’s so hard to judge real feelings anymore. I think this post may just have confused you even more but i guess we’re both trying to navigate these new relationships as ones that we want with people that we feel we fit together with. I can see a future with MrElf and that isn’t something i’ve experienced with any other men i’ve ‘dated’[/quote]
Thanks @Naimee87 that's actually really really helpful. So many parts of what you've written resonated with me, especially 'with past experiences it's hard to judge real feelings' that's exactly it. I try not to compare stuff but sometimes it helps give perspective.
I'm as confident as I can be that we're on the same page with feelings and we've both said that we're falling for each other but don't want to rush anything.
I've got so used to being independent that I think it hinders me. I go from "well if it ended I'd be a bit sad but ultimately I'd be fine" to looking at joint houses on Rightmove 😂
I don't want to rush into him meeting DC either but it was a nail in the coffin of my last relationship, seeing how rubbish he was with them- no effort at all (hope that comes across as I mean it to, I know it's harder when you don't have them). I know it's vital yet there's only one way to find out.
Excellent update @Shuffleuplove and yay to Mr Runner @Misty9! Tread carefully with this one @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards and agree, meet as soon as you can post-isolation.

@Heartbeats0708 happy it helped, it's helped me to write it all down as well actually. Trying to understand where my head is at isn't easy. And i'm so similar to you too, i keep thinking like you if it fizzled out/ended i'd be fine (like i was before he came along) then i find myself thinking about weekend trips away together and him actually meeting my parents which is also something i've never wanted to do with other exes. I've struggled keeping him and my son apart though which i know isn't good. So far we've kept our distance when we've been with my son but my son isn't an idiot(he's 11) i think he can sense there are feelings involved here. But MrElf's been great with him. He's promised to help me assemble his birthday present, and made me promise i won't let anyone else do it as he really wants to! Super cute!
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i do tend to agree with @Shayelle2009 about exes being exes and so to find out you need to arrange to meet as soon as you can. I honestly think if texting is going well then there is no harm in getting a date '0' on the books. RL meets are the only way to tell what connection you have.
@Misty9 excellent to hear your news, date '0's to look forward to, do update us when you can! Excited for you
Don't think i've seen any bed selfies actually, not sure it'd ring any alarm bells for me, i hate bathroom selfies though! ugh! and gym selfies... oh and lounging by a pool in shades selfies...

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree always meet sooner rather than later. I'm torn on whether meeting Computer Geek earlier would have made a difference, I probably wouldn't have got so attached or emotionally involved and it probably wouldn't have hurt so much. As for exes, I agree they're exes for a reason but I'm going against everyone else and would freely admit if Computer Geek got back in touch and said(and could prove) he had sorted his life out, he has his own place, the kids on these days and wanted to see me I would say yes in a heartbeat(there was no denying the chemistry was amazing). I know deep down that probably isn't going to happen though.

Oh and you didn't do anything wrong, this is something I've been told so many times (on here, by friends, by Computer Geek, by Mr Cricket). We are who we are.

Well I've woken up to a house with 4 males, not counting the dogs. It's so nice to have some male company they bring such a different dynamic.

I've got the hot tree surgeon my BFF who's here because I was sorting some admin out for him and he came over to drop some things off and he thought I looked really ill so he's stayed.

I've got the gardener, my son and a mate of his. Plus 2 female dogs and 1 male they're both flirting with

@Shuffleuplove

Exhausted (and hot and bothered) update from me - met MrCurly. Electrical chemistry I think. Snogged like teens. Fwarrr. He’s a bit shorter than advertised but he doesn’t care and neither do I. And that’s a testimony to how scrummy he is because I’m usually terribly heightist.

Ooh this sounds great!! I love a good kisser!! Have you messaged since??

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Am I the only one who does this? Lament the fact that I match with no-one and then when I do match with someone wonder what on earth I was thinking swiping right on them? I suppose if I only swiped on the ones that were really exciting to me, rather than also some that are just ok, I would get a couple of matches a year...

@WeWantTheFinestWines I also do this. I decided to give someone a chance as he had an interesting bio even though he isn't really my type. We've now matched.

I'm going to give him a chance. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable now with having a quick text exchange then suggesting a speedy meet up. That way my time and energy investment is low.

You never know! None of my exes have been conventionally good looking but they all have had that certain something I believe you can only ascertain by meeting IRL.

Yes loads!

@Shuffleuplove

Yes loads!

Great!! Sounds like a success story to me!!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the new thread, @Shayelle.

Well... I think I've turned into a stupid fool...

I was on Tinder earlier this week, when low and behold, I saw my ex iron on there, and I swiped right on him.

Now, I know what you're thinking... Onwards, why did you do that? Well, ever since we first started talking, I have had an very huge crush on him, and, I've always thought about him. We met on OLD soon after I split up with my ex, and he made me feel better, and so happy. He believed in me.

He got COVID when we were first talking, and I started texting him, sending my best wishes and letting him know I was there for him. We had a lovely few months just chatting, having fun and getting to now each other.

It was my fault it ended between us. I was feeling low one night, and achey, and I sent him a silly message. (I don't want to say what it was, it relates to an interest that we both share) I sent it slightly after midnight, and he was tired because of his job. I apologised, but he blocked me, and ghosted me for a while. I understand that that was completely my fault. I've always kicked myself because of it, and have regretted it every day.

So, anyway, in the present day, this weekend, I swiped right on him, and he messaged me. I couldn't believe it,
I thought he'd just ignore me. We had a nice chat, and I asked how his work was going, and his family. He asked about me and my studies.
He sounded pleased to hear from me. He's not a big texter or messenger, so we haven't really messaged since then.

Now, I feel a bit churned up about it all. There are so many things that I'd like to say to him, but I feel terrified to, in case he goes away again.

When we first started talking, he told his family and friends all about me, now I'm convinced they hate me after I sent the silly message, that they all think I'm a mad bitch. That he thinks I'm a mad bitch. (I've not told him this) He hasn't messaged since then. I deleted his number months ago, and I'm unsure weather he still has mine.

I guess I just want to know, how do I play this? I want to still talk to him, but I'm just afraid of doing something wrong and pushing him away again. I also don't know weather he sees our most recent communication on tinder as just a 'friends catching up.' thing, or weather he still has feelings for me.

If you've got this far, well done, and thank you ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards the fact that this guy blocked you and ghosted you after you apologised for sending whatever you sent would ring alarm bells for me.

We're all human and fuck up sometimes. You were feeling rough, he was feeling tired...I think having a one strike and you're out policy isn't how relationships work. For example, as an alternative he could have let you know how he felt, you could gave acknowledged it, accepted the feedback and not done it again. If you then continued in the same vein, fair enough he should have told you clearly this isn't working for me, goodbye Onwards.

The problem is now you are feeling wary and this makes it hard for you to be truly you. You may start trying to be a version of you which you think he will like.

I agree on the ex thing. My second iron who messed with my head Mr German was straight onto me when he saw I was back on pof saying I looked well etc. We messaged a bit and I started thinking could I go back there but ultimately he didn’t want me before, he’d probably do the same again and leave me a bigger mess.
So I’m a no to going back to exes.

My date zero Mr Fashion from Monday still seems keen, he’s away for the week and is still messaging. We won’t be able to meet again though for 2 weeks so it will be interesting to see if things fizzle out before then.

So update from me...i think Mr Talker and will go on a 1st date ( after date zero) on Friday. We haven't set a time yet but we are both off that day so it might be a day time one

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards he blocked and ghosted you after one duff text? He’s a divvy. Block.

@Languidleopard you bring up such a good point about changing into someone you think they will like i think i've been doing this in the past a lot. And its liberating not to be doing it now. I guess you have to get to a good head-space being alone because the fear of things ending with someone although tough and frustrating isn't as scary as it would be if you were unhappy alone.
@Shuffleuplove yay! snogging like teenagers nice to know these butterfly/giggly feelings can still be felt these days toooo

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I've tried again with a number of ex irons and they always rematch and chat but it never went anywhere sadly just like the first time. Him blocking you seems like such an overreaction as well. Dont feel awkward about it though, id just come out with it and ask why he did that! No harm in asking.

@Shayelle2009
I might be overreacting because it wasn't a major 'line' it was only "you've got my full attention" which is what he said when we were flirting on the date, then said it again when we were flirting on text. I just have a good memory for these things so didn't like hearing it a 2nd time.. If it was "I don't normally do this, but i feel like I'm falling for you" or something crazy then that definitely would be a no no 😂

It's just a reminder to be careful with him and take it slow as he is quite smooth compared to the other idiots I've dated who had ZERO social skills.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I agree with everyone else
I know it’s so heartbreaking when you fall for someone online and you get so attached and they make you feel desired

But you have to be logical , I spent yesterday evening stalking my obsession or writing notes on
Why I liked him
Why it’s not going to work

Isitreallyme

I’m the same with my obsession as you

I’m taking a break as I need to have a proper think about what I want and if it’s feasible

Some
Of you are proper resilient
Hats off to you

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I missed the bit where he ghosted and blocked you. Don't go there, he doesn't deserve a second chance.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all your messages. Very much appreciated.

I have to make clear though that this guy Isn't my ex boyfriend. We started talking after I split from my ex. I would never consider going back on a date with my ex boyfriend!

I don't blame him for what he did. I would have done the same if I was him, to be honest. As I said last night, it probably got too much for him at that time, so he wanted some time out.

I think I might try and speak to him later this week or the weekend. I'm still a bit scared of speaking to him, but I suppose that's to be expected after what happened.

I think that some things happen for a reason, and maybe this has ❤️

@Isitreallyme177 I was very hard to talk to during that time. It's not his fault. I would have done the same ❤️

@Hehx3

Good evening ladies, what do you think about men with pictures on bed, please? Is this some sort of clue they want sex or a just a way to camouflage saggy skin?

I feel these pics fall into the same category as the many Man In Pants pics - they seem to think that getting an idea of what they would look like in bed is what we women want to see. Personally I swipe left Every Time 🤢

@Thisisworsethananticpated it's hard because he wasn't an arsehole just a very messed up man. I was left hanging because he said he would be back when he sorted himself out but we also had a massive row(I called him a liar, he told me it was none of my business). I deleted Tinder a couple of months ago, I was only still keeping it in case he got in touch, and as he hadn't I deleted it. He can still get hold of me(he has my number as well as messenger), and if he remembers, he knows where I live.

I do sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over him, he was the first since my ex. I'm going out with a friend in a month's time to his home town(her suggestion), think I might see what Computer Geek's hometown has to offer in the way of good looking men.🤣

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards look at what you just wrote :
“ I think I might try and speak to him later this week or the weekend. I'm still a bit scared of speaking to him, but I suppose that's to be expected after what happened.”

You’re on the back foot already. The fact he wasn’t a boyfriend is WORSE - it’s just how not to treat someone.

@Shuffleuplove I think it's just my anxiety making me feel scared. I'm not scared of making small talk with him, but saying 'I still really like you, shall we go out?' Is scaring me.

I don't know, it's hard to explain ❤️

Same
I was in a relationship (shit !) for years and then I had this lovely guy paying me attention , telling me I was horny , thinking of me , messaging me non stop
And for whatever reason I just had total chemistry and really liked him , his values

And there was me thinking I was happy single !

To be honest I was happier before I started all
This , as I’ve had a taste and I want something I can’t have

Meh 😑