Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shayelle2009

Definitely - or with the guys who are "reasonably enthusiastic and look normal", after a few lines of chat, they often have some "catch" they haven't put on their profile or are after hookups so it's hard not to get cynical.

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma I unmatch people for the slightest reason and think I’m too intolerant and hard work. Sometimes people are crap at messaging but really interesting in person? My ex was (but we met IRL so messaging didn’t matter..)

At the weekend I matched with one on bumble. I wrote ‘morning name’.. a few hours later he wrote back, ‘morning shay’. I unmatched because I felt so uninspired by his response. Was I being too harsh? Maybe I’m missing out on good prople because I’m hard work or expect too much.[/quote]
Wow 🤩 that is a quick unmatch!!

Mine is more a couple of irons who just don't inspire me now we've started chatting. Tbf they're probably jaded too and don't want to behave like performing OLD monkeys!

BelladiMamma I'm just holding out for someone I find attractive,if they're a tad boring then I will cross that bridge if we meet 😄
Though my first husband was very dull but it also meant he was very steady and reliable ( just played golf and cricket and went fishing at every opportunity) so I would keep chatting and meet asap and see.

@Getbehindme

It's personal taste really - but given how many people are non-repliers I just start with an "emoticon/wave" or "hi" message.

Age group late 20s-30s.

If they reply then hopefully the chat takes off from there. I've found if I try to do a detailed message then often they reply "out of politeness" but the chat fizzles out?

I don't think there's any "tried and tested" method though - mix it up and see what you're comfortable with. If they like the look of your profile I don't think anything will put them off.

@kerkyra

I had a last minute date yesterday with someone I've been chatting to for two weeks,a walk around the local reservoir. Very polite in chats,handsome on his profile pics with dark wavy hair and looking very good at 57. Really attractive. I thought this one sounds promising after two not great dates this week. When I drove in I saw this man wave to me and I thought oh no please,ran down the window and said hi,are you so and so. He looked nothing like his pics 😒 looked around 65 and completely grey. The walk is meant to take roughly 50 minutes but we got round it in 35 as I really strided out(years of going to football matches as a child and walking at fast pace to get back to car after to avoid queues)and I said I had to get back to son,but was nice to meet etc. I asked during the walk has he updated his profile lately and he admitted it was years out of date as he 'hadn't really thought about it'. I wonder if I should have said something there and then? He has messaged a few times on pof since but I've left it. I keep thinking I need to give all this up,until another pops up!

@Kerkyra Sorry this happened to you, that's really frustrating!

I can't understand why people do this. It would put me right off as it would make me feel as if they had tricked me into meeting up with them. Honesty is also really important to me, and this would make me think - what else are they hiding?

@Getbehindme

Regards to those initial messages, what are your openers? In can't believe I'm over thinking 'Hello! How are you?' but there we have it, I am!

@Getbehindme

I usually put something like "Hello - we matched! How's your day/weekend/evening going?"

I used to mention something they'd written in their bio but I've stopped doing that recently and it doesn't seem to have affected the response rate, which is about 70%.

Agree that I don't think it really matters - if they're interested and not too busy or rushed off their feet with other matches (!) they'll reply.

@EchoElephant

It was me that started the discussion about messaging fading & different communication styles.

Mr Chilled, who prompted my questions, has resurfaced this afternoon from his Sunday chill session. And has resumed messaging as before. No mention of the fact he disappeared for 24hrs.

So I took advantage of his chattiness and asked when we would meet again.
We have another date tomorrow evening.

@EchoElephant that's quite exciting as wasn't your first date pretty good? He sounds keen too. Maybe he just had a lot of stuff to do on Sunday. Good luck for tomorrow!

I would like to respond on pof by saying in a roundabout way that he had misled me,but not sure how to.
Blocking seems to mean when he won't have a clue and we chatted for sometime before meeting.
I think I will probably just ignore and leave it,otherwise I might upset him🤷‍♀️

@kerkyra

You've done nothing wrong so don't feel guilty about blocking?!

He lied about his age and looks because he "feels entitled to the time and company and physical intimacy of a much younger woman and doesn't want someone his own age"?

And as you've "been polite" he now wants to take advantage so you are forced to date someone you aren't attracted to as HE wants a younger woman!

i agree with SpringlikeBunk on this one @kerkyra. Don't worry about upsetting him. He's the one in the wrong here and you are not responsible for his happiness. You messaged for a while, that doesn't mean you owe him.

If it's any consolation a guy I met misled me about his height and weight. I sent a brief text the next day saying I didn't think there was any romantic potential and wishing him well. He responded politely and I then unmatched him. I wish I'd had the bottle to call him out about it in person!

spring yes,you're right!! Thanks.
Though he didnt lie about his age,I think he is just a very old looking 57,but put pics on from a decade ago.
I think I will reply that he misled me and then quickly block!

@kerkyra I hear you re boring guys, boring is often stable and predictable, not a bad thing

Thanks languidleopard,I didn't see your post.
These men probably wonder why no one will see them again!

@kerkyra

spring yes,you're right!! Thanks. Though he didnt lie about his age,I think he is just a very old looking 57,but put pics on from a decade ago. I think I will reply that he misled me and then quickly block!

It's tough but it might also be the string medicine that he needs?

FWIW I know that some women can be very rude and rip male friends' profiles to shreds eg you're too short / too old etc. I'm not advocating this but a kind explanation isn't bad?

*strong not string

I'm feeling really miserable about BeardFlake. He's the only one I've really fancied so far. I've ended up sending him two long texts again today explaining myself as I felt he misrepresented me in a couple of messages. But I also need to remember if someone is confusing me or not listening to me or taking me for who I am, even if they say they're really attracted to me and would have a relationship if only x and y was better in their lives - they're not good for me.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone's advice about asking MrMud if he's seeing other people before we get more serious. I'm definitely going to ask him, but just casually slip it into conversation. He's coming round tomorrow evening and I shall update you all after.

It's great to get some different perspectives on it, that's what makes this thread so invaluable.

I now have an jockey on tinder who keeps calling me 'me lady'. I haven't asked his height but unlikely we will be compatible ☺
Bella sorry you're feeling so shit, hope you find a decent,available iron soon to lift your spirits.

@kerkyra

I now have an jockey on tinder who keeps calling me 'me lady'. I haven't asked his height but unlikely we will be compatible ☺ Bella sorry you're feeling so shit, hope you find a decent,available iron soon to lift your spirits.

Thanks I feel like such a cliche like in that song 'sending paragraph long texts'. When actually it doesn't matter what he thinks

@kerkyra I think you should thank him for meeting up and then say you didn't feel any connection and maybe he should update his photos to represent himself in 2021.

If no one calls these men out on it they think they can get away with misrepresentation

@BelladiMamma

It's always the "one who got away", isn't it?

Throwing a random idea out there - for your MH, is it worth "clearing the decks", having a breather, doing some post-lockdown stuff then starting again?

(if you're not that enthusiastic about any of your matches at the moment apart from BeardFlake).

@BelladiMamma I thought you'd done the goodbye texts with Mr BeardFlake?

It doesn't matter what he thinks of you (whether true or not) because he doesn't want a relationship or anything else really so his opinion means nothing.

Try to let him go and don't message him

I agree @Dirtyduck I don’t think I’ve even been set wrong with the advice I’ve received on here. It’s invaluable to me as I have no real life people to advise me about dating.

Had a lovely call with Mr Lumberjack last night, conversation just flowed slightly flirty but not overboard, just funny and interesting. He’s trying to get back to my area this week to meet again which would be great if it works out. I just love the way he openly wants to see me again!
Was messaging a bit with Mr Fashion too and he’s very keen to meet this week also. I’m a bit torn because I’m becoming less interested because of Mr Lumberjack and I can really only make time for one of them this week around kids work etc.
I’m thinking I should just say I’m not interested in pursuing things as it’s becoming a stressful situation for me. Even if things don’t work with Mr L, I cant see things with Mr Fashion being more than a FWB thing and I feel like I’m leading him on if my heart is not in it.
Cant think how to say it without being hurtful …any advice?

Haha yep @SpringlikeBunk it is always the one that got away 🤣 aka 3 month wonders usually.

I don't think I’d mind someone boring, as long as they loved me, were loyal and affectionate. Sounds like a labrador but that doesn't matter. A boring guy would really be what the doctor ordered for me 🙂
I wish I could just meet someone and they be really into me. It’s such an amazing feeling when you find that.

Ok,just sent the message SortingItOut suggests.
I think if I block him now he won't see the message? Maybe I just leave pof for a few days.Honestly,I'm 50 in a few weeks and can't believe I'm doing all this at this age