Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Slothmomma

Hi all. Still trying to keep up with you all whilst dealing with covid (which the kids have all got now too 😖).

I've had plenty of time to think and me and MrHair are going to remain friends. I came to the conclusion that there was something missing for me and ultimately I couldn't see myself merging lives with him which is what he would want so best going separate ways now but we've both said we would like to stay in touch as friends.

As for the posh comments, I used to have a professional job, have a nice home, nice car etc so have had similar- until we meet and my accent gives me away as not being posh at all 😆

Poor you, I hope that you're getting through the days ok

@Shayelle2009 we're not doing too bad with it - all the reported symptoms but luckily none of us have any underlying conditions and I'm double jabbed so we are lucky.

And yes, also feel much more settled about the MrHair situation and glad we've ended things on good terms and still happy to stay friends 😊

I had a last minute date yesterday with someone I've been chatting to for two weeks,a walk around the local reservoir. Very polite in chats,handsome on his profile pics with dark wavy hair and looking very good at 57. Really attractive.
I thought this one sounds promising after two not great dates this week.
When I drove in I saw this man wave to me and I thought oh no please,ran down the window and said hi,are you so and so.
He looked nothing like his pics 😒 looked around 65 and completely grey.
The walk is meant to take roughly 50 minutes but we got round it in 35 as I really strided out(years of going to football matches as a child and walking at fast pace to get back to car after to avoid queues)and I said I had to get back to son,but was nice to meet etc. I asked during the walk has he updated his profile lately and he admitted it was years out of date as he 'hadn't really thought about it'.
I wonder if I should have said something there and then? He has messaged a few times on pof since but I've left it.
I keep thinking I need to give all this up,until another pops up!

@kerkyra

I had a last minute date yesterday with someone I've been chatting to for two weeks,a walk around the local reservoir. Very polite in chats,handsome on his profile pics with dark wavy hair and looking very good at 57. Really attractive. I thought this one sounds promising after two not great dates this week. When I drove in I saw this man wave to me and I thought oh no please,ran down the window and said hi,are you so and so. He looked nothing like his pics 😒 looked around 65 and completely grey. The walk is meant to take roughly 50 minutes but we got round it in 35 as I really strided out(years of going to football matches as a child and walking at fast pace to get back to car after to avoid queues)and I said I had to get back to son,but was nice to meet etc. I asked during the walk has he updated his profile lately and he admitted it was years out of date as he 'hadn't really thought about it'. I wonder if I should have said something there and then? He has messaged a few times on pof since but I've left it. I keep thinking I need to give all this up,until another pops up!

🥺 oh 🤦🏻‍♀️

At least you don't have to dream 'what if'

I think the fact that you asked him about his profile is enough. You could explain yourself further but personally I'd just say I wasn't feeling it then unmatch and block. Because I'm a coward, after multiple bad unmatching experiences!!!

@Shayelle2009

2 matches on bumble. One of then 12 yrs older than me and looks interesting- but no reply to my ‘hello name’ message.

@Shayelle2009 I'm wondering whether a lot of the men in your search group are doing stuff with their kids or on holiday? That may be limiting the pool right now.

I've snoozed by profile on Bumble until the first weekend in September for this reason

@Slothmomma so sorry to hear that you're not well 😘 wishing you and your kids a speedy recovery ❤️

I haven't heard from Mr. Gambit today, but I think he's probably preparing to go back to work. The new term at his school starts soon.

Still feel nervous for when we have our date. I want to impress him and for him to still like me. 😊🤞🏻

I'm going out with my book club to cote brassiere tomorrow. We're going to discuss Abi Dare's The Girl with the Louding Voice. ❤️

One of my irons have messaged me to say he's worried he's overweight and lacking in confidence to meet. I've tried to reassure, he's one of my faves. I hope he's being honest and it isn't code for something else 😬

God I'm so jaded I second guess everything now

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards when are you going to meet 😊. I haven't heard of that book I'll look it up. We've got Hamnett for our next meeting. Have you read it?

@Shayelle2009 @Eesha that's a really good point about that age group, especially with bank holiday coming up

Sorry I meant to tag @Languidleopard in the comment about school holidays

@BelladiMamma

One of my irons have messaged me to say he's worried he's overweight and lacking in confidence to meet. I've tried to reassure, he's one of my faves. I hope he's being honest and it isn't code for something else 😬

God I'm so jaded I second guess everything now

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards when are you going to meet 😊. I haven't heard of that book I'll look it up. We've got Hamnett for our next meeting. Have you read it?

@Shayelle2009 @Eesha that's a really good point about that age group, especially with bank holiday coming up

@BelladiMamma we haven't fixed anything up yet. 😊 he only suggested it yesterday and I haven't had the chance to speak to him today yet. Like I say, I think he might be busy with work things.

It's a fantastic book. So well written and vivid. It's set in Nigeria, so it's not the happiest read but it's an amazing book. I'm in two book clubs (the other one is online only) and have actually read it as part of both.

I've heard great things about Hamnet, but I haven't read it yet. It's on my wish list though! ❤️

@Slothmomma hope you're all on the mend soon.
@Dancerinthemoonlight nice to hear you've holidays on the horizon. I went back to work last week (home office) but still a shock to the system. I'm thinking changes will be announced soon on returning to the office. Crossing fingers we're allowed some flexibility.
@HairyArsedMan there was a comment made about men being less attached to their phones was this made by you? Did you say you find this to be the case. Perhaps it wasn't you but whats your take on this. I know i am generalising rather massively but do you think men just don't tend to be as 'reactive' to texts as women seem to be. It's such a flimsy excuse when you hear ' i was really busy ' but could this be that men do just take more time out from their phone when their enjoying activities than women do.

It was me that made the comment about men and phones. But I do believe they have other things to occupy themselves with, my ex is a gamer, Computer Geek plays football, goes on long bike rides and goes to the gym, Mr Cricket obviously plays cricket, rides his bike and does the gym. My friend does a lot of DIY. They're all things you can't really do and be on your phone. Maybe I am just making a sweeping statement. But like you @Naimee87 I'm interested to see a man's take.

[quote Naimee87]@Slothmomma hope you're all on the mend soon.
@Dancerinthemoonlight nice to hear you've holidays on the horizon. I went back to work last week (home office) but still a shock to the system. I'm thinking changes will be announced soon on returning to the office. Crossing fingers we're allowed some flexibility.
@HairyArsedMan there was a comment made about men being less attached to their phones was this made by you? Did you say you find this to be the case. Perhaps it wasn't you but whats your take on this. I know i am generalising rather massively but do you think men just don't tend to be as 'reactive' to texts as women seem to be. It's such a flimsy excuse when you hear ' i was really busy ' but could this be that men do just take more time out from their phone when their enjoying activities than women do.[/quote]
@Naimee87 I think someone else mentioned this ... @Isitreallyme177 and it struck me as making excuses for poor communication/low interest but I didn't collect my thoughts and jot them down.

I don't think it's a uniquely male thing though to dry up on messaging at certain times. Like everyone working and parenting, it's easy to be consumed by those demands and not have the headspace to keep a conversation running through the day. The key thing for me that distinguishes this from disinterest/slow fade is having the consideration to recognise that there's someone who is perhaps expectant of contact and to let them know when that is most likely to happen rather than trotting out the 'busy' excuse after the fact.

It's worth talking about attitude to messaging with dates too - for some it's fire and forget, once the message is sent the phone is back in the pocket/handbag. For others once they receive a quick response, and fire off their reply to that they think they're engaged in a real-time conversation, and become annoyed when response time isn't matched.

On reactivity (assuming I see a message as I have notifications off and a silent phone) I think I'm more likely to respond quickly to a question that relates to a real life interaction more than I am if someone has updated on what they're doing or sent an interesting link or meme through.

On the other side of the coin, I have been on the receiving end of diminishing interest and I can say for sure, significantly reduced messaging frequency and increasingly drawn out minimal responses are definite indicators that the end is nigh.

Poor you @kerkyra how awkward - you were missold a character there!! I don’t know what I’d do in that situation. He had a nerve!

That is a good point @Languidleopard, thank you. I don’t have kids so I kind of forget how caught up parents are.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards have a a lovely time tomorrow 💛

Renatched with an old iron on bumble but I unmatched him straight away as his messages completely dried up last time.

@HairyArsedMan I agree and I'm a big hater of the slow fade. It also really annoys me when you call them out on it and they still don't fess up. Ugh. Or ask to stay in touch with you, but don't want to see you again.

How does that work in the real world? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Shayelle2009

Renatched with an old iron on bumble but I unmatched him straight away as his messages completely dried up last time.

What's your perspective on boring messages or interactions? I always think I should give people a chance then I think about spending an evening with them and think I'd be bored. Am I just being picky? Should I give them a chance?

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Might actually try Copper Dating myself - it's outside my area so I won't be that popular (although I'm generally happy doing long distance)

but I thought £5 and I can do it from home and not interrupt my evening? Kind of my level right now.

I expect the sex hounds are lurking there as always, but I normally find they tend to prefer the "quicker ways" like chat and messaging.

(I had a quick scan through eharmony and match - unpaid look - and although this may just be me emotionally right now, they looked very unappealing, and I guess the same guys are on the apps as well!)

@BelladiMamma I unmatch people for the slightest reason and think I’m too intolerant and hard work. Sometimes people are crap at messaging but really interesting in person? My ex was (but we met IRL so messaging didn’t matter..)

At the weekend I matched with one on bumble. I wrote ‘morning name’.. a few hours later he wrote back, ‘morning shay’. I unmatched because I felt so uninspired by his response. Was I being too harsh? Maybe I’m missing out on good prople because I’m hard work or expect too much.

Good luck with copper dating @SpringlikeBunk and @Dancerinthemoonlight! Let us know how you find it??

It was me that started the discussion about messaging fading & different communication styles.

Mr Chilled, who prompted my questions, has resurfaced this afternoon from his Sunday chill session. And has resumed messaging as before. No mention of the fact he disappeared for 24hrs.

So I took advantage of his chattiness and asked when we would meet again.
We have another date tomorrow evening.

@Shayelle2009

Could be "app fatigue" tbh - which is why I'm trying to escape/have a break for a while?

Maybe it's just my age/other emotional stuff for me, but after a week I find I'm so jaded that I end up just being really negative and not "giving people a chance".

And same with the guys - I wonder if a lot of the decent guys just give up as it's so depressing!

Yes @Shayelle2009 will do!

I've got into Zooming with the lockdown anyway

And although I have very low expectations, at least I know the people attending have "made a mindful effort to prepare and show their faces and attend" so there's a proper conversation/chat to be had!

I reckon so @Springlikebunk they feel like exactly like us. A lot of them start moaning about it as soon as you start chatting and you can sense the jadedness!!
There literally must be another way! All these men and women wanting to meet/chat/mingle and something about the apps killing it!

Regards to those initial messages, what are your openers? In can't believe I'm over thinking 'Hello! How are you?' but there we have it, I am!