Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma a while ago i posted that MrElf had flown off the handle about a txt i'd sent him of a super fancy car (that no one i know could ever afford) and it relates a little bit to how some men have sort of labelled you 'posh' or questioned your lifestyle. I have an office job as do many of my friends/family and for some reason this seems to have really made MrElf feel very unimportant as he is a 'only a trucker.'(with all the licenses though) He was very scared about how my family/friends would feel about him. But for me i swiped/matched him and could tell he was not an office-man it was what attracted me to him. I find office-men SO dull and arrogant plus they take way longer to get ready than me and have better fashion sense ugh!! Nothing about a man in a suit is appealing to me. I reckon MrElf is quite old fashioned and would like to think of himself as being able to 'take care' of me. But there are so many ways this can be done and what job you have or how much you earn for me is so irrelevant. I've trained to BE a trucker haha! But getting that message through to him took some time. Perhaps men do get intimidated by women that are very independant and live a certain life-style. I have to say for me anyone that has horses and land and know's what a tree-surgeon is i would class as posh.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i'm SO excited for your date! [heart] Crossing everything it really goes well.
@SpringlikeBunk i've never done a speed-dating event but absolutely agree that i come across better in person than online. I get fed up of the mundane texting at the beginning where it can be like pulling teeth. It's hard to be 'funny' and 'jokey' as well and hate the idea of a 'video-call' with a stranger. Have you seen the million-dollar matchmaker its HILARIOUS! Thank god for the giddy happy clappy americans (no offense to any on here)[/quote]
I hear you re the office guys. Been there done that no thanks!!! And as for money etc I have what I have but my life has changed hugely as have my values. I bust a gut working hard and my ex h was all spend spend spend and it made me feel very anxious as if everything we had was temporary. Now we are no longer together I'm working on trying to make some things permanent and let some things go. I don't holidays or fancy meals and I have a few fancy clothes but I'm not in need of anything anymore to prove my worth or keep up with the Jones's.
I'm just wondering if this 'posh totty' thing is either because they think it's a turn on or they're worried I don't take them seriously or they're using it as an excuse to back off.

Re MrElf and the car. I'd just note that as an amber flag. People need to lighten up a bit and be aware of their vulnerabilities and maybe laugh at themselves a bit more xxx

2 matches on bumble. One of then 12 yrs older than me and looks interesting- but no reply to my ‘hello name’ message.

Office men are also the least interesting to me 🙂
I’m looking for someone older, fit and active, pref his own boss, in some sort of physical role.
C’mon man, where are you 😍😍

Quite happy I’ve realised I know what kind if guy it is im looking for 🤣 wasn’t too sure up til recently.

@Shayelle2009

Quite happy I’ve realised I know what kind if guy it is im looking for 🤣 wasn’t too sure up til recently.

I was about to say that's my type too 😂 but actually none of the guys I'm chatting to are like that. To be fair, male or female, I just like them to be into the outdoors and a bit rugged and into keeping fit. And don't care too much about getting their hands or feet or shoes or manicure dirty.

But I'm also ultra feminine. Go figure 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

@Shayelle2009 glad to hear it isn’t just me then. This girly group at work thought this one dating app was amazing because the men had to reveal their salaries… can you imagine! Needless to say i got kicked from the group as i did NOT fit in! You’re fit stud-muffin is out there! You’ll find him! 🤩

[quote Naimee87]@Shayelle2009 glad to hear it isn’t just me then. This girly group at work thought this one dating app was amazing because the men had to reveal their salaries… can you imagine! Needless to say i got kicked from the group as i did NOT fit in! You’re fit stud-muffin is out there! You’ll find him! 🤩[/quote]
Omg how nauseating
😬😬😬

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma a while ago i posted that MrElf had flown off the handle about a txt i'd sent him of a super fancy car (that no one i know could ever afford) and it relates a little bit to how some men have sort of labelled you 'posh' or questioned your lifestyle. I have an office job as do many of my friends/family and for some reason this seems to have really made MrElf feel very unimportant as he is a 'only a trucker.'(with all the licenses though) He was very scared about how my family/friends would feel about him. But for me i swiped/matched him and could tell he was not an office-man it was what attracted me to him. I find office-men SO dull and arrogant plus they take way longer to get ready than me and have better fashion sense ugh!! Nothing about a man in a suit is appealing to me. I reckon MrElf is quite old fashioned and would like to think of himself as being able to 'take care' of me. But there are so many ways this can be done and what job you have or how much you earn for me is so irrelevant. I've trained to BE a trucker haha! But getting that message through to him took some time. Perhaps men do get intimidated by women that are very independant and live a certain life-style. I have to say for me anyone that has horses and land and know's what a tree-surgeon is i would class as posh.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i'm SO excited for your date! [heart] Crossing everything it really goes well.
@SpringlikeBunk i've never done a speed-dating event but absolutely agree that i come across better in person than online. I get fed up of the mundane texting at the beginning where it can be like pulling teeth. It's hard to be 'funny' and 'jokey' as well and hate the idea of a 'video-call' with a stranger. Have you seen the million-dollar matchmaker its HILARIOUS! Thank god for the giddy happy clappy americans (no offense to any on here)[/quote]
Sorry didn't know if I can / even possible to crop quotes, but yeah before I deleted the apps 5/6 convos were like that, really hard work. You ask questions relevant to their profile or photos and just get a basic 3 word reply taking the chat nowhere.

I also hate the idea of video calls, only ever done one and that was an estate agent. Might become more the norm though going forward.

Think the video calls and phone calls are the norm now before meeting up. To be fair it can be a helpful way to filter some of them? Sometimes you don't gel or you're not feeling it or there's something really obviously off putting eg fake tan 🤣

I have Friday night free and I'm hoping I'll be well enough to turn it into date night lite

First offered to MrItaly who's been angling for a date and he's got his son so that's crossed off the list ❌

Next offered it to MrIrish and he's bitten my hand off. He's going to call tonight to arrange. I still have my doubts re flakiness on this one so I'm going to prepare myself for a fail here too ✅

Had another big heart to heart with the flake otherwise known as BeardFlake and managed to winkle out of him some sort of goodbye. So we've both said our goodbyes and that's that. I don't fancy him as much as I did since MrItaly turned up the heat. Which is great - I can say goodbye and mean it

MissChelsea has left my two last messages unread. We'll see ... but I was hoping we could get together next weekend during the day for a coffee ☕️

MrDJ has also left my 'you're annoying me with the posh totty label' (but said more flirtatiously) message unread

I get called posh and it really annoys me, it's like they're trying to make me ashamed of myself. My ex used to (and still does) but he was happy to benefit from this "posh" upbringing! I have a good education (but it was all due to circumstances) and I've worked hard to get that education because I was not really academically gifted. Mr Cricket and I were having this conversation a while ago, and we both admitted we probably wouldn't have done so well without the opportunities we had and he is giving his daughter the same opportunities. We have quite similar backgrounds by the sounds of it.

As for type of man. I want someone sporty, who takes care of themselves, settled in a job(don't care what), who I can have fun with.

Me too @BelladiMamma. I like my men to be manly and I like being feminine but am quite androgynous a lot of the time. I don’t have any attraction to women but I find I gaze at women as much if not more than I do men! In a different way though 🙂

@Isitreallyme177

I get called posh and it really annoys me, it's like they're trying to make me ashamed of myself. My ex used to (and still does) but he was happy to benefit from this "posh" upbringing! I have a good education (but it was all due to circumstances) and I've worked hard to get that education because I was not really academically gifted. Mr Cricket and I were having this conversation a while ago, and we both admitted we probably wouldn't have done so well without the opportunities we had and he is giving his daughter the same opportunities. We have quite similar backgrounds by the sounds of it.

As for type of man. I want someone sporty, who takes care of themselves, settled in a job(don't care what), who I can have fun with.

Yes I think that's it - it's like 'you're posh so you must have had all this handed to you'.

Actually, no. I was the only state school educated person in several of my jobs, university situations etc.

Not every oxbridge graduate went to eton and not everyone with a fancy job has parents who got them that job. I'm just ADHD (my own self diagnosis which is probably a bit exaggerated) and high IQ (likewise 😂) which is a fucker for personal relationships but great for work and studies!

I guess what I'm missing in these interactions is someone being open enough to just connecting with me without labels

Bet you were never so relieved to exit a group @Naimee87! They sounded like witches!!

@Shayelle2009

Me too *@BelladiMamma*. I like my men to be manly and I like being feminine but am quite androgynous a lot of the time. I don’t have any attraction to women but I find I gaze at women as much if not more than I do men! In a different way though 🙂

I am every man's dream of fancy lingerie and stockings 😂😂😂 but I live in jeans 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ and wellies 🥾 and walking boots and generally have horse poo 💩 under my fingernails 🤣🤣🤣

My ex used to hate it. 'Why can't you wear that nice top I bought you? Why do you always look like worzel Gummidge?'

I reckon the right man would see beauty whatever you're wearing!!

@springlikebunk I'm going to take a look at Copper Dating. I was looking into speed dating and the only one who does it in person in my area has bad reviews.

I have deleted all apps apart from Tinder which will be deleted at the end of the month. I'm going away for 2 weeks next month so there is little point in being on the apps at the moment.

@Shayelle2009

I reckon the right man would see beauty whatever you're wearing!!

Yes it's all about the connection isn't it 😊🤗

I have a very working class background and at the same time got myself educated to the highest level so I encounter this 'posh', 'rough' thing from both sides. I think the people brandishing the 'posh' label around could just be trying to check out what your motives are for selecting them and it's really asking the question in a jokey way of whether the differences in background between you are liable to be an issue.

I don't think it's necessarily a pigeon holing exercise, more a question related to their views on what makes compatibility in a relationship. I've had a bit of this in the past "... oh but you're a proper and I'm not; you'll likely want to be with a proper eventually, won't you ?" Actually, no - I think compatibility and attraction are quite hard to pin down on this basis.

@BelladiMamma I like to think so but do wonder if there is anyone out there that does! As I haven't even had a chat with a guy for… weeks as it goes 🤷‍♀️

@HairyArsedMan

I have a very working class background and at the same time got myself educated to the highest level so I encounter this 'posh', 'rough' thing from both sides. I think the people brandishing the 'posh' label around could just be trying to check out what your motives are for selecting them and it's really asking the question in a jokey way of whether the differences in background between you are liable to be an issue.

I don't think it's necessarily a pigeon holing exercise, more a question related to their views on what makes compatibility in a relationship. I've had a bit of this in the past "... oh but you're a proper and I'm not; you'll likely want to be with a proper eventually, won't you ?" Actually, no - I think compatibility and attraction are quite hard to pin down on this basis.

Thanks that's actually really helpful. I will try to respond in this spirit and then see how the conversation plays out after that.

Many people are hung up on socio economic difference and it's good to weed them out early on 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suppose?

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma I like to think so but do wonder if there is anyone out there that does! As I haven't even had a chat with a guy for… weeks as it goes 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Our lack of IRL interaction means that is soooo hard at the moment!!

Are you still on the apps?

Hi all. Still trying to keep up with you all whilst dealing with covid (which the kids have all got now too 😖).

I've had plenty of time to think and me and MrHair are going to remain friends. I came to the conclusion that there was something missing for me and ultimately I couldn't see myself merging lives with him which is what he would want so best going separate ways now but we've both said we would like to stay in touch as friends.

As for the posh comments, I used to have a professional job, have a nice home, nice car etc so have had similar- until we meet and my accent gives me away as not being posh at all 😆

@BelladiMamma yeah exactly, I know restrictions have lifted but I am finding people are still reluctant to do stuff…

Oh and I am still on bumble, it ran out of people though so am just swiping any new ones that appear, no chats though!

Hi @Slothmomma hope you feel a little brighter and that it’s the best decision for you, are you ok with covid? Its nice you and mr hair can stay friends.