Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hello @thegreenestbear I would personally not like that. Is he affectionate with you in other ways? Does he hug/kiss you, do you feel wanted?

Have been horrendously busy at work and not looked for a couple of weeks. Don't have time to read 30 pages to catch up. How is everyone?

Mr Penpal popped up again. Initiating. Sighs. Same old shit.

@frankiefirstyear, I understand the mentally drained feeling so I won’t keep commenting. As I’m sure many of us would wish for or advise each other is to keep your needs at the forefront of your decisions and do what ultimately feels right and works for you. 💪🏻💕

@Onesmallstep67 no honestly I'm so grateful for the advice and handholding and room to offload. ❤️

[quote frankiefirstyear]@BelladiMamma I had a dream the other night that I was invisible and he had to tell the kids about me to break the invisibility and he wouldn't do it. He let me leave his house being the invisible woman rather than potentially upsetting his kids. I know it's just a dream but it was incredibly accurate for how I feel. He's very reluctant to tell them, he's said a few times 'it's time to tell them' but never does and now I feel a sense of shame over the situation. I know that's for me to work through but right now that's how I feel. I'm not a priority and I now feel like a hobby. Maybe I can come to terms with it, maybe I can't.
I know blending is hard so maybe I will come to view it as a blessing. [/quote]
Reading this makes me so sad. It says so many things about what you're going through and how it's making you feel. To me, the invisibility is almost more about you denying your needs to yourself.
I wouldn't be happy if you were a friend of mine, I'd be worried that you were going to keep trying to make a person and situation change

@thegreenestbear

Following this thread with interest - have done so since Thread 93, which is both scary and depressing...

Just after some words of wisdom please - have been seeing a guy for four months. Absolutely no 🚩at all.

But he hasn't complimented me once. Not a single positive comment on my appearance at all. He never flirts with me either. I try to flirt but it just falls on dead ears.

I compliment him - nothing OTT - but I don't get anything back.

I know my worth and, whilst I'm not defined by his view of me, it would be nice to hear something. I assume I don't physically repulse him, but I don't want to ask for a compliment because then it wouldn't mean anything.

We get on so well - do you think this is just something I'm going to have to accept?

@thegreenestbear

I'd find the lack of flirting a problem, but then I love flirting! I think it's what makes a relationship more than a friendship and it's a way for you both to be playful, the spice in the stew 😁

The fact that you're flirting and it's falling flat would start to bug me eventually. I would need something back from him. What do you do instead of flirting? Is your communication style serious, jokey, monosyllabic...?

As for the lack of compliments, I guess it's about how he acts rather than what he says. Is he kind, considerate, respectful, interested? That would mean more to me than what he says. For example, if he's very tactile and a great kisser, it doesn't matter so much that he isn't saying how much he likes your eyes.

Well the weekend comms habits are interesting:

MrItaly: keen and to the point and now appears to be properly angling for a date
BeardFlake: breadcrumbs but honest about it. Saying he can't move on 'when he knows I'm so hot and alluring'. We have agreed to treat this as a free ego boost now for each other.
MrIrish: keen and lovely on text but nothing concrete re plans
MrProperty: no contact since I said I couldn't do yesterday
MrDJ: late evening flirty texter, interspersed with gossip about our people in common, chat about politics. If his messaging timing wasn't so erratic I'd say he had legs
MissChelsea: total silence
MissOxford: one message per day
MrLongShot: same

@BelladiMamma I honestly don't hold out any hope for him changing his mind. The more I write, the more I see what a many layered thing it is that ultimately he controls everything. I must say I don't like that. His ex was/is controlling so maybe he's just set his boundaries and it's bad timing for me, or maybe he's a controlling person and his ex wouldn't conform so he found that controlling 🤦‍♀️ I've taken the day, I've gone over things and now I just need to see what happens I think. I sent him a message this morning and he's not replied. It was a question at the end too but heard nothing. So if in doubt do nowt is where I'm at now.
Thank you for your support ❤️

@Dropdeadfred2

Update: back from date with Mr Dad. No chemistry at all. . Nice enough guy but he wasn't my type and i wasnt his. ... never mind

@Dropdeadfred2 that's a bit disappointing. Ah well, it sounds like you were both on the same page which makes things easier 🙂

[quote frankiefirstyear]@BelladiMamma I honestly don't hold out any hope for him changing his mind. The more I write, the more I see what a many layered thing it is that ultimately he controls everything. I must say I don't like that. His ex was/is controlling so maybe he's just set his boundaries and it's bad timing for me, or maybe he's a controlling person and his ex wouldn't conform so he found that controlling 🤦‍♀️ I've taken the day, I've gone over things and now I just need to see what happens I think. I sent him a message this morning and he's not replied. It was a question at the end too but heard nothing. So if in doubt do nowt is where I'm at now.
Thank you for your support ❤️[/quote]
It's possible that he was the controlling one? Always worth flipping the script when someone tells you about their explanation for a split but then there's evidence that they treat you in this way. Not necessarily always true but worth doing as a mental exercise.

In any case

Iron update

Mr Polite - haven't heard from him since Friday evening when he said he was sitting down to dinner and he would message me after 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mr Meditate - called me tonight unsolicited but I answered and we chatted for a while. I didn't sense any spark over the phone but he messaged enthusiastically afterwards, then sent an in bed selfie 🤮 then messaged apologising for the selfie 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mr Irish - plenty of messaging today and arranged Date zero for Thursday. He initially suggested Tuesday and a walk near his area which worked for his schedule but I said no and said public place, familiar surroundings for initial dates and he was apologetic and understood so rescheduled to Thursday in a central area. He is however very busy with activities and also has a young child and I tend to avoid dating anyone with young children. However will see how the week proceeds.

It's all bullshit till it happens anyway ....

@dancemom

Iron update

Mr Polite - haven't heard from him since Friday evening when he said he was sitting down to dinner and he would message me after 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mr Meditate - called me tonight unsolicited but I answered and we chatted for a while. I didn't sense any spark over the phone but he messaged enthusiastically afterwards, then sent an in bed selfie 🤮 then messaged apologising for the selfie 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mr Irish - plenty of messaging today and arranged Date zero for Thursday. He initially suggested Tuesday and a walk near his area which worked for his schedule but I said no and said public place, familiar surroundings for initial dates and he was apologetic and understood so rescheduled to Thursday in a central area. He is however very busy with activities and also has a young child and I tend to avoid dating anyone with young children. However will see how the week proceeds.

It's all bullshit till it happens anyway ....

Guys are so wierd sometimes with their suggestions and comms aren't they?

What's wrong with just asking us out on a date and sticking to it, a few nice messages to establish a rapport then meet up?

Well, I've got to bring this up because it's about the third time this week it's happened.

Nice chat with MrDJ, all bowling along and flowing then he says 'anyway what do you see in me you're obviously a posh bird'. I get 'posh totty' as a label so often and then that seems to signal them backing off.

Had it with BeardFlake, MrIrish and now MrDJ.

I use long words in my text messages, if anybody asks I say where I went to university, my selfies I send are at home generally against a nice background - all of this is just being me. The irons then get all 'am I your bit of rough?' And seem to get a bit off about it. No, if I'd have wanted proper rough I'd have swiped on some of the potatoes thanks. You're interesting, you're hot. I'm enjoying chatting to you.

Is this just code for 'you seem like you might be hard work?' Or 'I can't keep up with your lifestyle'? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don't know and I'm not sure if I care anymore. I don't want someone projecting a load of crap onto me that says more about the chip on their shoulder than about me? But then I only end up dating the workaholic arrogant twats that remind me of my ex. They love 'the challenge' in my ex's words, of dating me.

Ok. I'll shut up now.

Not moved yet but soon so keeping social to a minimum. Going to focus on routine and light supportive friends more than men I think

For some reason had a look at Tinder last night and I felt like "why am I doing this to myself"! so deleted asap as well. It's like a crafty drug!

@BelladiMamma

I agree that's annoying.

I think it's that they're "putting you into a stereotype" box and dehumanising you a bit, like "look at Miss Confident and Sorted and Posh, she has no feelings"? Stereotypes mean you don't have to communicate honestly as human beings.

As people we all have different sides to us - we all have our vulnerable and weak and non-sorted sides which we need to express at times.

So someone implying you're so privileged and intelligent you're "above all that" is "putting you into a box"

I can come across as reasonably intelligent and sorted at times, and I've noticed a few very weak, using guys have been drawn to me and tried to manipulate me by "constantly playing the victim" and giving me all this creepy "faux praise" about how "strong" I am.

Yuck.

@Heartbeats0708

That great *@Dropdeadfred2* look forward to the update! Glad things have progressed with Miss BC *@HairyArsedMan* is she the one that started off as a match then said friends only? I'm thinking not because you met up for several walks/bike rides but I suppose it depends what you count as dates. Apologies the details are a bit fuzzy! Fantastic weekend with Mr D.. we had some pretty serious conversations as well as lots of fun, I need a little time to process it all and how I feel about it. Wahoo on the date *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* I hope it happens soon!

@Heartbeats0708 me too! 😘 this is the first time I've ever felt excited at the thought of going on a date. (Still nervous though! 😊) I think it's the fact that it's someone I'm familiar with makes it a bit better ❤️

@Heartbeats0708 glad that you had fun with Mr D! ❤️

Ooh, just thinking with lockdown closing up (hopefully!) I might try a speed dating event one night when I move?

Haven't been to one for ages but it might break up the monotony of "swipe/message/chat". I think I come across well in person so could be a laugh.

@SpringlikeBunk

Not moved yet but soon so keeping social to a minimum. Going to focus on routine and light supportive friends more than men I think

For some reason had a look at Tinder last night and I felt like "why am I doing this to myself"! so deleted asap as well. It's like a crafty drug!

@BelladiMamma

I agree that's annoying.

I think it's that they're "putting you into a stereotype" box and dehumanising you a bit, like "look at Miss Confident and Sorted and Posh, she has no feelings"? Stereotypes mean you don't have to communicate honestly as human beings.

As people we all have different sides to us - we all have our vulnerable and weak and non-sorted sides which we need to express at times.

So someone implying you're so privileged and intelligent you're "above all that" is "putting you into a box"

I can come across as reasonably intelligent and sorted at times, and I've noticed a few very weak, using guys have been drawn to me and tried to manipulate me by "constantly playing the victim" and giving me all this creepy "faux praise" about how "strong" I am.

Yuck.

Yes that's a good point it's the kind of 'you're not a real person' thing that I don't like. Or they're just looking for excuses for not connecting 🤷🏻‍♀️properly

@SpringlikeBunk

Ooh, just thinking with lockdown closing up (hopefully!) I might try a speed dating event one night when I move?

Haven't been to one for ages but it might break up the monotony of "swipe/message/chat". I think I come across well in person so could be a laugh.

Yes! Real people 🤗

Yes I’m completely “apped out” as you can probably tell from the tone of my posts Seems like it would save time and energy on the whole match/chat/flake dynamic which is what I want to do.

Another option (which just seems to be taking off) is “virtual speed dating”.

Any of us near London? There’s one called Copper dating which is quite new. Quite London focussed - £5 every other Sunday.

@SpringlikeBunk

Not moved yet but soon so keeping social to a minimum. Going to focus on routine and light supportive friends more than men I think

For some reason had a look at Tinder last night and I felt like "why am I doing this to myself"! so deleted asap as well. It's like a crafty drug!

@BelladiMamma

I agree that's annoying.

I think it's that they're "putting you into a stereotype" box and dehumanising you a bit, like "look at Miss Confident and Sorted and Posh, she has no feelings"? Stereotypes mean you don't have to communicate honestly as human beings.

As people we all have different sides to us - we all have our vulnerable and weak and non-sorted sides which we need to express at times.

So someone implying you're so privileged and intelligent you're "above all that" is "putting you into a box"

I can come across as reasonably intelligent and sorted at times, and I've noticed a few very weak, using guys have been drawn to me and tried to manipulate me by "constantly playing the victim" and giving me all this creepy "faux praise" about how "strong" I am.

Yuck.

Or in your case they've identified a character trait they want to exploit? You're so strong you're so sorted help me Spring!

I don't think that's the case with these guys although I had 2 awful would be cocklodgers during lockdown; they never called me posh they were just outrageously making moves on my house and my living arrangements. And both of them stalked me after I kicked them into touch! Total wierdoes. If they'd started calling me posh totty etc at least there's more honesty

Dating over 50: the rules for men (don’t wear sandals! Do text afterwards)

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/dating-over-50-the-rules-for-men-dont-wear-sandals-do-text-afterwards-9qf2xwmcz

This is quite funny if prescriptive. I also think I recognise a couple of our / other relationships threads in there!!

Has a slightly rose tinted view of how people are supposed to behave too

@SpringlikeBunk

Yes I’m completely “apped out” as you can probably tell from the tone of my posts Seems like it would save time and energy on the whole match/chat/flake dynamic which is what I want to do.

Another option (which just seems to be taking off) is “virtual speed dating”.

Any of us near London? There’s one called Copper dating which is quite new. Quite London focussed - £5 every other Sunday.

Oooh I might take a look if I continue to run into flakes

@BelladiMamma a while ago i posted that MrElf had flown off the handle about a txt i'd sent him of a super fancy car (that no one i know could ever afford) and it relates a little bit to how some men have sort of labelled you 'posh' or questioned your lifestyle. I have an office job as do many of my friends/family and for some reason this seems to have really made MrElf feel very unimportant as he is a 'only a trucker.'(with all the licenses though) He was very scared about how my family/friends would feel about him. But for me i swiped/matched him and could tell he was not an office-man it was what attracted me to him. I find office-men SO dull and arrogant plus they take way longer to get ready than me and have better fashion sense ugh!! Nothing about a man in a suit is appealing to me. I reckon MrElf is quite old fashioned and would like to think of himself as being able to 'take care' of me. But there are so many ways this can be done and what job you have or how much you earn for me is so irrelevant. I've trained to BE a trucker haha! But getting that message through to him took some time. Perhaps men do get intimidated by women that are very independant and live a certain life-style. I have to say for me anyone that has horses and land and know's what a tree-surgeon is i would class as posh.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i'm SO excited for your date! [heart] Crossing everything it really goes well.
@SpringlikeBunk i've never done a speed-dating event but absolutely agree that i come across better in person than online. I get fed up of the mundane texting at the beginning where it can be like pulling teeth. It's hard to be 'funny' and 'jokey' as well and hate the idea of a 'video-call' with a stranger. Have you seen the million-dollar matchmaker its HILARIOUS! Thank god for the giddy happy clappy americans (no offense to any on here)