Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

That great @Dropdeadfred2 look forward to the update!
Glad things have progressed with Miss BC @HairyArsedMan is she the one that started off as a match then said friends only? I'm thinking not because you met up for several walks/bike rides but I suppose it depends what you count as dates. Apologies the details are a bit fuzzy!
Fantastic weekend with Mr D.. we had some pretty serious conversations as well as lots of fun, I need a little time to process it all and how I feel about it.
Wahoo on the date @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I hope it happens soon!

@SortingItOut I only have childcare over night once a month so that's the sleep over, the rest of the month I'm stuck in while my young dc are in bed so he comes when he can for a quick visit, he won't stay and get up before dc wake so won't stay here. He has his kids about 60% of the time but he's either knackered or busy so it's usually just once a month he comes.
His kids are aged 7-12 mine are preschool.
We live 35 mins drive apart and he has grumbled about the drive so that factors in why he doesn't come more regularly.
His ex was very controlling but he established very early on that she and I are poles apart, but yes that will definitely be a factor because the split was extremely hard times for him and took a good 3 years to find a suitable place to live.
Now that I've had time to reflect I think I will have to ask if overnight stays with my dc(either home) is on the cards in the future, so not move in but have more time together. He did also say that his child free time was mostly time he wants to spend alone so makes me think that will be a no too.

@HairyArsedMan hope date 6 with Miss Can-i goes well 🙂🙂

HairyArsedMan I'm probably not explaining things well. It feels like the tone & frequency of his messages has changed.

We've had some good chats over the last few days. Lots of getting to know you q&a on both sides. Messages answered quickly. Early yesterday eve we chatted about plans for the week, some potential ideas for a second date but nothing was agreed. That was all ok, there's no rush.

Then my last 2 messages have received short replies which haven't really invited more chat. And he's taken his time to reply.

But I been away from dating and haven't been in this position for over a year. I've forgotten what it's like which is why the opinion on this thread is so valuable.

Maybe he’s just having a slow sunday @EchoElephant, a bit of time out from his phone. I think there is only so much enthusiastic messaging someone can do before they need a bit of time out 🙂

Was messaging Mr Lumberjack yesterday, just a brief chat but in that time he made a nice comment about trying to impress me, asked to have a call tonight and offered date 2 on Thursday. I love the way he is so proactive, quite clearly wants to see me but there’s no boring morning/night texts and I don’t feel that anxiety between chats that I do with others.
I know all he is doing is the bare minimum we should expect, but after the apathy I’ve experienced previously it’s a pleasant surprise
Long may it last! He’s fast becoming my favourite iron but trying not to put all my eggs in his basket …yet 😂

@Heartbeats0708 No, that was MissT - this time last year. We’re still friends and we hung out recently. I thought Miss BC was following a similar trajectory in that she didn’t see it going in a romantic direction but the fortuitous date 2 started off as a catch-up coffee, and took an unexpected turn.

@EchoElephant what I've learnt (and need to remember) they will reply when they're ready. Men I think are less attached to their phones than women as well. They game, they play sport, he could be in the pub, could be at the gym, if he's got kids he might be with them. There are so many reasons why they might read and not reply or just reply with short answers.

I need to remember this myself in fairness.

@Dropdeadfred2

Update.. I'm having a date zero at 6pm tonight with Mr Dad

@Dropdeadfred2 good luck for tonight!

@frankiefirstyear is there anyway you could find a babysitter so you could fit another overnighter in or would your kids tell your ex?

35 mins doesn't seem a lot but I guess after a day at work doing that there and back could be tiring.

It sounds like he just wants a very part time relationship and is happy with meeting twice a month and thats it.

I totally get the finally finding a place to live and not wanting that to change. I know you're not his ex but you always have that history of what went before and you don't ever quite get over it. And once you're a certain age you want to protect your assets.

The time on his own was interesting as when I met Mr K he either had his son or was seeing me and I used to mention that he had no time on his own and that wasn't healthy, he said it was fine, occasionally we wouldn't see each other if he went out with friends.
Things got better, in a way, when I started a new job because sometimes I have evening meetings on the nights we meet so Mr K does his own thing and I think its good for him to see his friends/do his hobbies.

@EchoElephant

HairyArsedMan I'm probably not explaining things well. It feels like the tone & frequency of his messages has changed.

We've had some good chats over the last few days. Lots of getting to know you q&a on both sides. Messages answered quickly. Early yesterday eve we chatted about plans for the week, some potential ideas for a second date but nothing was agreed. That was all ok, there's no rush.

Then my last 2 messages have received short replies which haven't really invited more chat. And he's taken his time to reply.

But I been away from dating and haven't been in this position for over a year. I've forgotten what it's like which is why the opinion on this thread is so valuable.

@EchoElephant I think the decider here will be whether the second date gets sorted and how patient you are willing to be. You've discussed potential ideas and of course there's no rush but what's stopping you finalising something?

My feeling is that's when the getting to know each other should take place, not via messaging?

Happy to see your posts @MayEye (love his name) and get what you mean with ‘all the eggs in one basket. Totally what i did with MrElf, but so far, so good. and @Heartbeats0708 i’m guessing some discussions will have to take place with MrElf once he’s back to see how he see’s the ‘future’ working and how many other trips he thinks will happen. He’s said as summers over he’ll be here and is looking forward to some calm, peaceful nights in with me which is so cute and just what i want. Maybe a trip together in October. But i’ve had so many empty promises that i’m scared these are just words and won’t be followed through.
@frankiefirstyear aahh this is so tough. I think someone mentioned above he seems to want a part-time relationship which isn’t something you seem to want. I don’t want to put words in your mouth though so please say if i’m wrong. I think ultimately it is a case of really going after what you want and whats best for your kids too. I reckon settling for something you aren’t entirely happy with could cause resentment down the line. I’m not sure the 35minute ‘commute’ is all that much either. He seems rather reluctant to put you in a top-priority spot which is where you should be. Of course kids come into play and come first but you don’t want to put your life on hold either. I say all this of course not knowing you and how good the times are that you spend together which do sound worth fighting for, it sounds like he needs to be a little more open to compromising though to make this work for you and reassure you, you are important to him. I hope i’m not bringing you down i just know what its like to hope things will change only to be massively disappointed with the outcome.

@EchoElephant my feeling is if he's not mentioning a second date, he isn't that bothered. You seem to have made yourself clear and that's all you can do. I would put myself in that same boat too and I've just made my feelings known then left it.

@frankiefirstyear I'm sorry you are going through this. It does feel a bit breadcrumby, 35 minutes to me feels like nothing. He doesn't sound like he wants much more than just dating exclusively.

@EchoElephant I don’t think you need to find excuses for him clamming up. I think just be direct and pick up the second date planning and see whether he engages with that.

Following this thread with interest - have done so since Thread 93, which is both scary and depressing...

Just after some words of wisdom please - have been seeing a guy for four months. Absolutely no 🚩at all.

But he hasn't complimented me once. Not a single positive comment on my appearance at all. He never flirts with me either. I try to flirt but it just falls on dead ears.

I compliment him - nothing OTT - but I don't get anything back.

I know my worth and, whilst I'm not defined by his view of me, it would be nice to hear something. I assume I don't physically repulse him, but I don't want to ask for a compliment because then it wouldn't mean anything.

We get on so well - do you think this is just something I'm going to have to accept?

@thegreenestbear - that is a bit odd. I sometimes think as women, we are programmed to give praise and also anyone who's around children will know that it comes as 2nd nature. Maybe he didn't get any praise from his parents growing up? Maybe he's on the ASD (apologies if this gets thrown around too much - my own DS is and I believe I am too). It could account for a lack of awareness of others. Just a thought. Maybe delve into his past a bit?

@SortingItOut the one night a week has only started a couple of months ago and that was a push and really hard due to separation issues for dc.
One of my ex's was always staying in and never done anything, it drove me mad so i totally understand about wanting alone time and doing things separately (and MrM knows all this). The only real option is for him to allow my dc to stay at his when they're a bit older so we can be together more, but I honestly feel he's going to say no. As much as I don't think this is about control, it does feel like it, I have to fall in line with his very narrow limits and that's that. 😩

@Naimee87 you're absolutely right I actually refer to him as someone said as my ptl (part time lover) when speaking to one friend about him! And no i don't want that, I already had options for a ptl who don't make me long for them and I have compartmentalised easily.
I said that to him last night - im not a priority and no real way I can ever be a priority without living together. I recently had minor surgery and felt rotten but no way could he come to look after me (give me a cuddle just!).
Our time together is like heaven on earth but it almost makes it worse because I want it more and I feel so sad when times up.
Your advice is spot on, I learned long ago not to try to change anyone so if this is how he feels, that's it, I won't try to change his mind. 😞

@Eesha yes partially secret exclusive dating is what he seems to want

I had the weirdest non date last night. We (MrBE) were supposed to meet up for a local event. I hadn't heard anything and time was ticking on. I decided to just take my DS to the fireworks display at the end and msg to let him know. Whilst there I get a phone call to say he'd been driving around for ages trying to park and had decided to watch the fireworks in his car on the opposite side of the river but would pick us up after and take us home!!!
Readers, it takes me 5 mins to walk home! I laughed but then politely accepted his offer. I mean, the guy had obviously tried to make an effort. But, who on earth would do that? Was he so desperate to see me for a 10 min car journey (yes took longer to drive than walk)?
I suppose my DS got to meet him. My ex (who is temp living here) and I had a bit of a giggle about it - not in a nasty way, more in 'just my bloody luck'. Weird or what!!

@frankiefirstyear, just catching up with the thread and some of the additional things that you have shared. It sounds slightly more one sided than I had originally interpreted it as being. He wants to keep the majority of his child free time for himself, he thinks a 35 mins drive is excessive and he didn’t make any attempt to visit you when you had had surgery? You say your time together is heavenly yet he’s quite clearly making choices frequently that aren’t putting your feelings or needs as a priority. That alone would stop me in my tracks. And now it makes complete sense to me why you are genuinely questioning if things are sustainable between you. Very few of us have relationships that don’t include obstacles but unless you both want to work on them together the obstacles will remain.

Update: back from date with Mr Dad. No chemistry at all. . Nice enough guy but he wasn't my type and i wasnt his. ... never mind

@Dropdeadfred2 - Aww, that's a shame. Any more irons on the go?

@Onesmallstep67 part of me wonders if it's partly because his ex was so controlling that he just won't budge at all on any of his limits. I don't know, my head is battered by it all. On paper if I was reading it I'd think he's not interested but I'm absolutely sure he is. He does have anxiety and has suffered depression so maybe that's a factor too. He had his kids when I had the surgery and I didn't know I was having it done but it's the fact I know he can't prioritise me ever.

[quote Isitreallyme177]**@EchoElephant what I've learnt (and need to remember) they will reply when they're ready. Men I think are less attached to their phones than women as well. They game, they play sport, he could be in the pub, could be at the gym, if he's got kids he might be with them. There are so many reasons why they might read and not reply or just reply with short answers.

I need to remember this myself in fairness.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme177 I absolutely agree with this 👍🏻

@EchoElephant I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I've been there myself many times. The best thing you can do in relax and try and distract yourself, if you can. I always take time out from my phone when I've been on Tinder and I find it works quite well and helps me to switch off from any messaging anxiety for a while ❤️

@MayEye ahh Mr Lumberjack sounds totally great! I have serious iron envy 😆