Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shayelle2009

I just wondered if it was the same guy I know *@BelladiMamma* but not if the name doesn't begin with A 🙂🙂 he sounds like a lovely person to have in your life, it’s great to have lovely men close to you who aren’t partners isn’t it. 💗

I can truly say I love him dearly and with no agenda. Since I lost my own brother RIP he's become even more important to me than before ♥️

You're near Brighton too aren't you? I'm sure there are tons of fit as fuck tree surgeons near us 😂

@BelladiMamma I reckon we live probably in the same place from everything you’ve said 😁😁 there are certainly loads of fit men in my town as a lot of trades/rural working guys live here 😍😍 I’m from London originally but this is 100% my home now 💗

I’m sorry you lost your brother 😞 x

@Shayelle2009

I’m sorry you lost your brother 😞 x

Thanks ... he was another one that used to have women swooning over him 😂😍

It was an unexpected but peaceful death xxx

I hold out no hope for a change of mind on his part @BelladiMamma

@SortingItOut I have ex issues so I don't want to rock the boat there unless it affected our dc, and he feels the same about upsetting his dc so dc's don't know about us.
My idea of a healthy relationship is to be a sort of sanctuary to each other and it feels very much like this, we're very loving towards each other and we've both said we've found our perfect person. Living together would mean more time together plus we could support each other a lot more in terms of logistics of kids getting everywhere they need to be/meals and general living washing etc.
Blending families is not linked to any pressure from outside influences, I love that the together-apart works for others but it's just never felt right for me; I have had that sort of relationship in the past and ended it (for reasons aside from the living arrangements) but I didn't enjoy it at all.

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma I reckon we live probably in the same place from everything you’ve said 😁😁 there are certainly loads of fit men in my town as a lot of trades/rural working guys live here 😍😍 I’m from London originally but this is 100% my home now 💗[/quote]
I'm still up for a meet IRL just haven't been able to plan anything ☺️🤞🏽☺️

@frankiefirstyear

I hold out no hope for a change of mind on his part *@BelladiMamma*

@SortingItOut I have ex issues so I don't want to rock the boat there unless it affected our dc, and he feels the same about upsetting his dc so dc's don't know about us.
My idea of a healthy relationship is to be a sort of sanctuary to each other and it feels very much like this, we're very loving towards each other and we've both said we've found our perfect person. Living together would mean more time together plus we could support each other a lot more in terms of logistics of kids getting everywhere they need to be/meals and general living washing etc.
Blending families is not linked to any pressure from outside influences, I love that the together-apart works for others but it's just never felt right for me; I have had that sort of relationship in the past and ended it (for reasons aside from the living arrangements) but I didn't enjoy it at all.

I understand that it feels like you would be more support to each other from a practical perspective but sadly once you blend there are a whole host of issues that come along that are actually harder than being alone.

Is there a way that you can introduce the DC's to each other so that you can spend some more time together? Even if it's just an afternoon here or there or a shared Saturday?

In any case I understand that it's very hard to be in a different place and ultimately this is why I split with MrBear because he was so keen to merge, despite everything I said to him

@BelladiMamma 💗💗

Why are men so weird on the apps?
I joined Tinder last week, matched with someone I'd seen on there a while ago. He messaged straight away, seemed keen.

We met yesterday for coffee and spent a couple of hours chatting like we'd known each other for ages. At the end he said he'd like to see me again. But that I should go home and think about it and let him know.

Texted him when I got home to say I would definitely like to see him again. We exchanged more messages during the day.
He messaged early evening to ask what I was doing. We had a little chat then he went quiet.

Around 9ish I asked a question. He replied about an hour later with a three word answer that didn't need a reply, so I left it and went to bed.

Sent him a message early this morning, not been read . His last seen is still when he sent his curt text.
I know he gets up around 6am to walk his dog. Doesn't look like I've been blocked but why act so keen then ignore me?

@BelladiMamma I had a dream the other night that I was invisible and he had to tell the kids about me to break the invisibility and he wouldn't do it. He let me leave his house being the invisible woman rather than potentially upsetting his kids. I know it's just a dream but it was incredibly accurate for how I feel. He's very reluctant to tell them, he's said a few times 'it's time to tell them' but never does and now I feel a sense of shame over the situation. I know that's for me to work through but right now that's how I feel. I'm not a priority and I now feel like a hobby. Maybe I can come to terms with it, maybe I can't.
I know blending is hard so maybe I will come to view it as a blessing.

@Lovemusic33 i don’t think you should worry the work thing as being an issue when looking to date someone. In the early stages couldn’t this be a good way to spend child-free time getting to know someone over a coffee-date? Your post about stepping back from a friendship happened to me too. On paper he was great and we had a lot of fun out an about too but i just couldn’t feel the spark, no chemistry at all. Sadly we have so little contact now and i miss him but makes no sense to reach him because gives him false hopes. If i knew he was happily dating and wanted a friendship i’d acccept in a heartbeat! Tricky situation for sure, as you don’t want feelings to be hurt.
@frankiefirstyear oh this sounds so tough! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m like you i’d love to someday blend families and live together with someone. Currently with MrElf but early days so things like this are still to be discussed. I never had support from my DS’s dad nor lived with any partner really so the idea of being together but living apart isn’t appealing. I’d like someone to share childcare with, take turns to cook with and shop with. Just the little things that i’ve taken care of on my own for years now. I’m guessing he also doesn’t want to necessarily break up? But is there any compromise in this situation could he warm to it if the DC get along? I’m also wary of having a partner that i rarely see as weekends when my DS is out and about with friends or when the flats full tweens thats when i’d like my partner to be around. Can understand how conflicted you must be. Have you decided on having another conversation between the two of you? Sending you a virtual hug…

@frankiefirstyear, I’m sorry you are feeling unsettled at the moment. It’s always hugely difficult when everything about him and how he makes you feel is so right yet there appears to be such a stumbling block with how things may progress. This may not be a relevant question but how did you foresee moving forward from where you are currently to living together, given the need to keep things secret ? I’m a firm believer that nothing stays exactly the same forever, life circumstances as well as what we feel we want or can offer. I can also imagine ( and have felt) the sadness and frustration that having met someone special it may never evolve into the kind of relationship you want. Have you had this conversation as a ‘ each stating what they want’ or have you discussed what it means for the relationship if both hold your ground ? ie the potential for things to end between you over this ?

I am thanks @Eesha

Just going to chat and keep positive, ex's ARE ex's for a reason

3 irons on the go

Mr Polite who is smart and chatted a lot on Friday but then I didn't hear from him all day yesterday. I sent a message around 6pm, he was at a friends having dinner and sent me a few messages and photos then said he would bring touch later but haven't heard from him since.

Mr Meditate who keeps messaging saying he wants to get to know me but then he's always working or having an early night or something so we haven't actually built up any rapport.

Mr Irish who I just started messaging last night but he's been funny and cheeky and complimentary and made me laugh. He's already messaged this morning too.

So let's see what today and next week bring ... positive thoughts and vibes to everyone for the week ahead 🙌🏼

@EchoElephant maybe just back off from all the messaging a bit. Give it some space to breathe? You've only just met.

I completed bumble… no matches/chats, just tumbleweed as usual. 🤷‍♀️ Meh….

Shayelle2009 I know we've only just met. I was matching his messaging style which had been very chatty until around 8pm yesterday eve.
Although his last message was a bit blunt, I felt I was rude not to reply.
And he's sent a good morning message for the last three days, so I thought I would do it today.

I'm not going to message him again.
I just don't get why some men seem so keen then disappear like this.

@frankiefirstyear I've been with Mr P for over 18 months now and I feel similar to you. If I'm honest I would like us to blend families and live together. I love him and we spend as much time together as we can.
However, we have 5 children between us. My 3 are older teens almost adults, his are under 10. So the disruption and effort involved in the logistics of all of that would be huge.
I think we both realise we can't do it. Our lives are too complicated.
I woukd like to think that we'll end up old and together though.
The only other thing for me is I still haven't met his dc after all this time.
He acknowledges that and says he's scared.
It's sad to meet someone you love so much at this stage of life. I wish I had a time machine!

@EchoElephant could he have been out with friends? Might explain the non response this morning too.
I know I was messaging Mr Fashion and then was out with someone one on one so couldn’t be on my phone really. I did quickly respond to one of his texts with a short answer and he commented that I was a woman of few words so I explained I was chatting and couldn’t text which he was fine with.

MayEye He told me he was at home and thinking about ordering Chinese. We had a chat about food and cooking.
At 9pm I asked if he ordered chinese.
He replied an hour later "no, had pizza".

He could've been lying about where he was and what he was doing.

I'm just getting this feeling he's changed his mind about me.

@Naimee87 thank you 🥰 I'm hoping that at some point the dc's will know about us, and my dc are at a really young and social age so no issues from my side there. But I still think living together is not an option but perhaps sleep overs.

@Onesmallstep67 thank you. Once it we were able to buy a house together, my ex would have to be told. Really dc could know about us before that (that's really up to MrM) and my dc would blab to my ex so pointless telling them and not his iyswim. But my ex knowing about a man I see twice a month just doesn't seem worth the fallout it will cause.
We have both said we want to keep it going, but now it's about whether I can handle it for what it is, or not. He said he doesn't want to end it. I did wonder if he was doing the cowardly thing of throwing a curveball in so I would end it for him, but he assured me he wants it to continue. It's very hard for me to get advice/support in rl because my friends would just say to leave him, plus not many people know about him.

@Clovertoast yes we have both said about a time machine! How does it make you feel that you haven't met his dc? Our lives are complicated too but like you we had hoped to move in a long way down the line, but he has taken that off the table completely now. His house is unsuitable for an elderly person so maybe he will be forced out one day but then I feel I'd resent that as a reason for him to move in with me 🤦‍♀️

I’m not criticising you @EchoElephant just trying to help.. just sometimes it’s best to sit back a bit, let them make the effort and come to you, to show you if they are interested or not. Being too keen and ‘there’ can put some people off. Im not trying to have a dig.. hope he gets in touch with you.

@EchoElephant I know it's upsetting initially but I agree with @Shayelle2009 about sitting back and seeing how he responds. You have said you are interested, he needs to also make an effort too. If he has changed his mind, better now than later

Shayelle2009 It's ok, I didn't see it as a dig. Just a healthy reminder that was needed.

I've been doing these apps for far too long now. Sometimes I get sucked back into it all and forget all the mind games that go on.

I know @EchoElephant it’s difficult isn't it!! Wish there was an easier way. Don’t give up yet though the day is young 😄

@Eesha how’s it going with mr lawyer? x