Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Can I ask a rather mundane question? I'm probably being really dim here, but how do you put smileys on here that aren't listed in the list below?

Feeling kinda low tonight 😕 got two irons on the go but my heart isn't in chatting to either of them really. And when I get like this I go back to thinking of my ex but with rose tinted glasses which just isn't good at all.

Just wish that really great guy that's actually my type would come into my life 🙏🏼

@BelladiMamma thank you so much! So many great ideas. I will definitely ask for picture of ID! And do the other things. It is so scary. I know they are not all bad but yeah Im jaded too.
Sorry to hear you had a stalker, must have been terrifying ☹️
I already had to filter some ass.holes that started to talk about s/d, porn, that they like ass (not mine! I don't have full length photo 😜), they say decent, looking for connection and relationship and then bang come up with that shit.

@Isitreallyme177

I got him past the sex talk for a bit, he seems to have a bit to him but he keeps going back to sex and says it's cheeky banter. Shame as he is just my type too, sporty (he's a personal trainer, ex semi pro footballer), says he wants to date and see where it goes, and if I could get him off the sex talk it would be okay. It kind of reminds me of the start of things with Computer Geek.

Oh and he lives in the same town as Computer Geek, and their the same age and both play football. Erm I really hope they don't know each other. 😬😬😬

@Isitreallyme177 bloody hell! I've felt like this many times. My first iron was like this and so was Mr Casual. It's really annoying when they just keep bringing sex into everything 😳❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards we've just been chatting about football and he turned it round to sex. Shame as it was a good chat about football.

@Naimee87 bless you for asking after me again Mr runner is still around and we saw each other briefly yesterday and are spending tomorrow evening together at his. He's committed to making changes but, to be honest, that's nothing to do with me nor in my control, so for now I fully intent to get what I want out of it and see where it goes.
How long have you and Mr Elf been together? I don't think there's any such thing as one size fits all with timelines - it depends how you both feel. If you're asking on here though it suggests you're not completely comfortable with that much family introduction yet...?

@Dirtyduck I think it was you who asked about sex and the exclusive chat? What I've said in the past, and yes as early as that, is just a casual "can I just check that we're not doing this with anyone else...?" while fooling around. Mind you, none of those have lasted!

[quote Isitreallyme177]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards we've just been chatting about football and he turned it round to sex. Shame as it was a good chat about football.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme177 😳❤️

It's frustrating as i keep going back to how nice Mr Cricket is. I think I might have stuffed that up at the beginning by being so scared of rejection after Computer Geek that I did the whole ice maiden not interested vibe. I had the opportunity to kiss him(We were literally that close), but I was so scared of rejection that I didn't now we are in this weird friend zone thing.

Now I'm having a flirty chat with Mr Double Matched and all I can think about is Mr Cricket and Computer Geek. His town is big there's no chance they know each other. Is there? 😬🤨

@Isitreallyme177

It's frustrating as i keep going back to how nice Mr Cricket is. I think I might have stuffed that up at the beginning by being so scared of rejection after Computer Geek that I did the whole ice maiden not interested vibe. I had the opportunity to kiss him(We were literally that close), but I was so scared of rejection that I didn't now we are in this weird friend zone thing.

Now I'm having a flirty chat with Mr Double Matched and all I can think about is Mr Cricket and Computer Geek. His town is big there's no chance they know each other. Is there? 😬🤨

It was also in MrCricket's hands to 'push' for a snog if he wanted one. Don't talk yourself into feeling bad about it x

@Isitreallyme177

Yeh I’d steer carefully - it sounds a bit as though you’re at risk of “offering physical contact or sex to get attention” and if it’s not a formal dating situation could be messy?

You don’t know MrCricket that well, he’s on Tinder still so clearly not trying to win you over, and he might be “breadcrumbing” you to see if you offer a casual situation?

I’m in the friendzone with my ex MrC and another guy I met through POF and contact is different to if I was “flirting”.

More slow paced and it does feel different and a bit of an ego-downer tbh!

But that’s more my anxiety and insecurity than anything else - I don’t or shouldn’t need to offer sex to be liked?

A quick Bumble update from me.

One of my matches unmatched me without replying to my initial message, leaving me with 3 convos.

Mr Catlover - on the back boiler until Monday when I'll check he wants to stay in touch. This is probably a dead end.

Mr Slowtexter - very much my type physically, said he was happy to match with me but takes hours and hours to reply to texts then says he needs to work so can't text. Seems nice though. I'll text him tomorrow, hopefully he'll be a bit chattier.

Mr Netflix - so called because we swapped recommendations and he seems to have really good taste! Very serious, maybe a bit dry for me, no flirting. Hesitant to meet up because of Covid. Not sure where to go with his one tbh.

Mr Eclectic - I actually feel a bit 😍 about this one after one text exchange, very unwise but there you go. My type physically, witty, interesting, asked questions about me, flirty in a sweet way, replies promptly...lives 6 miles away...he's clearly too good to be true. No kids though, and says on his profile he "wants them someday" This makes me think he might be looking for soneone younger? I'm 49, he's 46.

That's literally the only issue I can find with him. I'm going to text him tomorrow.

I've got one more match to send a first message to and have snoozed my profile for now.

@Isitreallyme177

It's frustrating as i keep going back to how nice Mr Cricket is. I think I might have stuffed that up at the beginning by being so scared of rejection after Computer Geek that I did the whole ice maiden not interested vibe. I had the opportunity to kiss him(We were literally that close), but I was so scared of rejection that I didn't now we are in this weird friend zone thing.

Now I'm having a flirty chat with Mr Double Matched and all I can think about is Mr Cricket and Computer Geek. His town is big there's no chance they know each other. Is there? 😬🤨

@isitreallyme177 I think when you're having not great conversations with irons it's inevitable you're going to look back nostalgically at the good convos you had with Mr Cricket.

However...imo it takes two to stuff things up. Don't blame yourself for not going in for the kiss. He could have kissed you too, but didn't.

When it's working there's a nice easy flow to the connection and it just feels right. You deserve that! Don't settle for less.

@Languidleopard

A quick Bumble update from me.

One of my matches unmatched me without replying to my initial message, leaving me with 3 convos.

Mr Catlover - on the back boiler until Monday when I'll check he wants to stay in touch. This is probably a dead end.

Mr Slowtexter - very much my type physically, said he was happy to match with me but takes hours and hours to reply to texts then says he needs to work so can't text. Seems nice though. I'll text him tomorrow, hopefully he'll be a bit chattier.

Mr Netflix - so called because we swapped recommendations and he seems to have really good taste! Very serious, maybe a bit dry for me, no flirting. Hesitant to meet up because of Covid. Not sure where to go with his one tbh.

Mr Eclectic - I actually feel a bit 😍 about this one after one text exchange, very unwise but there you go. My type physically, witty, interesting, asked questions about me, flirty in a sweet way, replies promptly...lives 6 miles away...he's clearly too good to be true. No kids though, and says on his profile he "wants them someday" This makes me think he might be looking for soneone younger? I'm 49, he's 46.

That's literally the only issue I can find with him. I'm going to text him tomorrow.

I've got one more match to send a first message to and have snoozed my profile for now.

Re MrSlowtexter I do feel bad for people who just aren't as phone savvy or use their phones so much for work etc. My tree surgeon BFF just can't text or call people during the day - it would be dangerous! Plus he's dyslexic so the thought of joining an app to date is fairly hellish for him. Even BeardFlake had another phone for work and could only text at the beginning and end of the work day

As for comms in general men do make an effort if they're interested but it doesn't always follow a pattern that we'd like or expect. I got quite frustrated with MrItaly last week cos we'd got all flirty and were looking to get a date in the diary. Then he disappeared for about 3 days cos of work and Covid and now it's the weekend he's been texting all the time.

@Languidleopard oooooo sounds like Bumble is bringing up some decent potentials for you. Fingers crossed about Mr Eclectic, love the name.

@Isitreallyme177 great you are keeping a good eye out at the gym for some real possibilities. Could you try and make conversation whilst there? Pining about Mr Cricket won't help you at all, he's clearly not interested enough and the friends thing really doesn't appear what you want. Same for Mr CG.

@dancemom hope you are feeling chirpier today. Exes are that for a reason. Try and do a bit more other than swipe so you can feel a bit more excited when you do.

Hi everyone,

Just catching up. Had a restless nights sleep and I need to try to finish some work today 🙁

@Languidleopard I like the sound of Mr. Electic!

@Isitreallyme177 😘😘 please don't worry too much about what happened with Mr Cricket. You did nothing wrong at all! Please don't torture yourself over 'what ifs'. you will find someone who will treat you like the wonderful person that you are!

Things are going well with Mr. Gambit. We are just messaging on Tinder at the moment, and just enjoying catching up with one another. He's being so lovely and supportive to me, and he's really got me though the past few days. I've been having trouble with my aches and pains, and he's been keeping my sprits up and reminding what a strong person I am 😊

There was a lovely moment today when I told him how happy I was that we found each other again, and he said 'sometimes, that's a sign.' ❤️

Thanks for the Elf advice @BelladiMamma and @misty9 @SpringlikeBunk i feel like i did it because i’m doing what i always do and jump into the future rather than enjoy how things are now. I’m thinking i’ll have a chat with him about the party. Thinking perhaps as its an afternoon party he could come later once my parents/sister have headed off as they don’t live all to close. Although i’m dying to get my sisters opinion on him…
@Isitreallyme177 sorry MrCricket is still doing your head in. Ugh! I agree with seeing him on Tinder definitely being a massive reason to give him
the boot. I’m just not sure you’ll gain anything by remaining friends with him? But only you know what feels right!
@misty9 so far seems like you’re both keen on each other and wanting to meet up as soon as you can. Good sign! Is he similar age with kids? He seems very intense and thinking back so was MrElf i think this changed once he realised i was going to see him despite what had gone on with him in his past. I saw a different side to him like he could relax as he’d got stuff off his chest that had been there a while. We met for the first time on my birthday, mid-june after only a week or so texting. Had to meet him as quick as i could. Hate dragging it out to amount to nothing. Managed to see each other really frequently since then. A lot of overnight stays as my fantastic parents took
my son camping for a week. BUT he has been away twice since then. I’ve asked to do a trip together during the next set of holidays and he has said he’s keen but lets see if anything ‘actually’ happens. I’m so used to empty promises its unbelievable… wishing you a nice relaxing sunday!
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards 💜 its impressive your dedication to your course!! So when this man is out of isolation you’ll be checking for a date/time to get together? Keep us all posted!
@springlikebunk how’s the move going? Times flying so fast wouldn’t be surprised if you’d already moved in, redecorated and put the place on the market and ready for another move… haha! You still paused on the apps? considering Elite? There was one app i tried years ago and you didn’t have to pay so your saw their profile with a blurred photo then i realised ahaaa to unblurr the photo you had to pay. I paid and then couldn’t get out of that stupid contract for AGES and the blurred photos were miles better than what was revealed!

@BelladiMamma your tree surgeon bff’s name doesn’t begin with A does it?

Hi everyone 😃 Esshhhh I'm back after stepping out for a while, can't keep up with the thread at all during school holidays so have up and had a break.

Wanted to check in though for some advice about my situation with MrM now we've been together for 6 months we had an honest conversation about moving in and it seems our ideas are polar opposites in that I dream of blending families or at least having a goal to eventually buy a big enough house for that to happen within the next few years. However he has now said he NEVER wants to live together and his reason was that he's accustomed to living alone and his home isn't big enough for all of us and doesn't ever want to move. He wants to do the together-living-apart thing. Which for my circumstances would basically mean that our relationship would need to stay almost completely secret.

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this because I'm feeling pretty broken right now and unsure how to proceed I love him and never had anyone so loving towards me ever. But equally I sort of view him as my sanctuary and the thought of seeing him just a couple of times a month indefinitely just feels like a sort of torture to me and has been affecting my mental health a bit.

[quote Shayelle2009]@BelladiMamma your tree surgeon bff’s name doesn’t begin with A does it?[/quote]
No & he's not on any apps! He tried last year but couldn't figure out how to use them 🙄 so ended up having a short fling with someone I introduced him to and she then started messaging me all the time!! Where's BFF? He's read my message but hasn't answered etc 😂
It was like being back at school with him again 😂🤦🏻‍♀️
Just for context our parents were single and working together, his Dad (who had custody of him) had just come out as gay and my Mum & he became best mates and raised us together. So no, it really isn't happening and I know that despite his good looks and charm he's a very very difficult person to be with long term. Terrible with money and his dyslexia just compounds that. He really does need a woman prepared to rescue him ... his mum was never there for him & he's now completely on his own family wise except for me and my Mum and his ex's sister.
But by god he needs a good woman

@frankiefirstyear

Hi everyone 😃 Esshhhh I'm back after stepping out for a while, can't keep up with the thread at all during school holidays so have up and had a break.

Wanted to check in though for some advice about my situation with MrM now we've been together for 6 months we had an honest conversation about moving in and it seems our ideas are polar opposites in that I dream of blending families or at least having a goal to eventually buy a big enough house for that to happen within the next few years. However he has now said he NEVER wants to live together and his reason was that he's accustomed to living alone and his home isn't big enough for all of us and doesn't ever want to move. He wants to do the together-living-apart thing. Which for my circumstances would basically mean that our relationship would need to stay almost completely secret.

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this because I'm feeling pretty broken right now and unsure how to proceed I love him and never had anyone so loving towards me ever. But equally I sort of view him as my sanctuary and the thought of seeing him just a couple of times a month indefinitely just feels like a sort of torture to me and has been affecting my mental health a bit.

Awww I'm so sorry to hear that you are in different places.

It's so hard isn't it because actually what MrM is describing is pretty much where I'm at but we all want different things. If this is a really important issue for you, you need to think about how likely it is that MrM is going to change. You can only figure that out after a good cards on the table conversation. However if someone has told you where they are they are unlikely to change so don't hold out hope.

Maybe have that conversation then take a break from him? See how you feel after the break?

And don't be too hard on yourself. Human beings are complex and we're especially complex the older we get

I just wondered if it was the same guy I know @BelladiMamma but not if the name doesn't begin with A 🙂🙂 he sounds like a lovely person to have in your life, it’s great to have lovely men close to you who aren’t partners isn’t it. 💗

@frankiefirstyear Which for my circumstances would basically mean that our relationship would need to stay almost completely secret

What exactly does this mean?

Living Apart Together can work and you're a couple in ebery way except you don't live together.

This is my current situation and I can't see it changing, luckily Mr K is on the same page.
I'd spent over half my life living with my husband, I love living alone (with adult DC) and don't want to live with a partner ever again.

Clearly if blending families and buying a house together is what you want then it won't be with Mr M.

Why are you so upset? Why do you want to live together? To see him more?
Make sure blending families is what you want, a lot of people only want that because society says you should and there is peer pressure from everyone to prove commitment by living together.

@frankiefirstyear Just read the bit about him being your sanctuary - why have you made him this?
Your life should be great with or without him, you shouldn't need to rely on him to be your sanctuary.

Morning. Well Mr Double Matched update. I made a comment about dick pics, apparently (I didn't see it as he deleted it straight away) he sent me one by mistake. When I asked what he deleted and why he said he sent it by accident and deleted it as I said I didn't like getting them. He also laughed when I told him Mr Racing got pissed off and called me cold when I didn't respond to his dick pic. So he knows I don't want them and actually listened. Maybe some of it is harmless banter after all. Maybe I shouldn't write him off just yet .

I'm still also curious to know if he knows Computer Geek, if their town is anything like mine everybody knows someone who knows someone (if that makes sense). He's a personal trainer, Computer Geek has a personal trainer, they both play football, they're the same age. There aren't that many gyms there or non pro/Saturday/local football leagues for people their age. I can't just come out and ask him but if he does it could be rather awkward. 🤣 but I'm getting ahead of myself I've not heard from him this morning.

@Eesha he was on the machine next to me for about 20 minutes, then when I went downstairs he was on the machine I wanted but instead of seeing how long he'd be (and making conversation) I walked away. All I can say is Twat (me not him)🤣🤦‍♀️. Moody hot gym guy was in this morning too, I don't think he likes Sunday mornings.

@Naimee87 I don't know what feels right with him, I try and distance myself and just when I think I won't hear from him up he pops with a message being all chatty. I don't want to block him as he has done nothing wrong. But I do think maybe a conversation needs to be had, not over messages though.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you 😘❤

Hi, haven’t been in these threads for ages, not been having much luck with dating and having dc on school holidays hasn’t helped (no time for dating). Hoping to get back out there soon but at the moment I don’t feel very datable. After being unwell for a while I decided to give up my job so I’m currently unemployed though I have been doing a few online courses to help when finding a job. Hoping to find something when the kids go back, I don’t think anyone will want to date me whilst not in work .

Mr Snake, is someone I have been seeing since last year but I made it clear from the start that I just wanted to be friends due to both our lives being too complicated (him having young kids) but the last few weeks he has been pretty intense, demanding to see me and saying he misses me. Last night I reminded him that we are just friends but it seemed he thought we were more and that I might have changed my mind 😬. I told him that I won’t be changing my mind and that I just wanted to be friends. I told him he was making me feel uncomfortable. I’m now thinking I need to slowly back away from the friendship which is a shame as we have loads in common (just no spark) and I enjoy days out with him.

I need to revamp my profile on POF as my photos are old and my hair is now short so I don’t look anything like my photos. I hate having my photo taken and I always look awful in selfies 😬

Any tips on what to include in my profile? I am quite fussy but I don’t want to write a list of what I do and don’t want or it will make me look like a grumpy cow 🤣