Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma
Good luck with your plan!

@Iamclearlyamug
Sorry you had such a scary experience, glad you got home safe in the end. It's crazy how people can flip like that even if they seemed OK before.

OK on ex irons I have dabbled many a time after unmatching, blocking and so on. Even recently had a hinge-tinder-bumble encounter with a guy who I thought would be perfect for me but lead to nothing. So I be going back to them MORE than twice, and it's never worked out!! It's such a waste of headspace but so tempting (especially when there's no new good options - that's why I had a 4 Yr on off rship with my ex). I'm going to pledge to you all that I will not entertain old irons. ❤️

@BelladiMamma

Sounds like a great plan

With the apps if you’re working through a lot of matches quickly it’s so easy to end up overwhelmed emotionally - and also a high percentage of them will be duds or flakes!

Also I’m on the cynical bench right now (the two memes are me)

but if irons (especially ones I haven’t met) are offering to “drop in” on me I interpret it as them wanting to invite themselves over/get my address/check me and my home situation out without investing, rather than actually arrange and commit to a proper date zero?

I think my post disappeared,hopefully I didn't post elsewhere lol.
It's mental, I feel like we jump through hoops to get a conversation going. I'm trying to be more ruthless going forward. I also feel like I'm talking like Hugh Grant in love actually. I haven't been talking to english men so I thought they would be more to the point and take the lead more?

onwards did you actually ever meet him?

I give up with Tinder today, it's giving me people 30 miles away. A 2 hour is drive is a little bit too far for a shag date. Computer Geek was 16 miles and that was my limit, it didn't matter with him so much as I go there regularly(I was there last week and will be going again this weekend) but I don't go to these places at all.

I've also just been asked what guys I'm into?!🤷‍♀️ what kind of question is that?

I hate that question so much, maybe they have also been watching love island lol!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards did you actually ever meet him?

@WeWantTheFinestWines don't hate me, but I never got the chance. I would have but for the COVID diagnosis ❤️

God, I'm reallyyyy stupid. 😳

I never met his family either, but I think they hate me after I sent the silly message. They probably do know about it, and hate me for annoying him so much.

(I know that's irrational. Just getting my feelings out there)

What do I say, sporty someone who looks after themselves, works out in the gym. Because that is what I go for. Surely I've swiped on them because I like the look of them🤷‍♀️. Think I might give up OLD and start going to the gym at 5pm again and see if there are any hot men there. My moody hot gym guy was in yesterday (and he is there on a Saturday and Sunday morning), I wanted to tell him to cheer up 🤣.

Just checking in with the new thread - you've been very busy on here I'm many pages behind!
Thank you @Shayelle2009 for the new thread.

Nothing new to add from me really, MrMud and I are still going strong, he's coming to mine next week and I'm cooking for him. Its the first time I've ever invited an iron round to my house and it feels like quite a big step for me. We spent some time re-organizing our childfree weekends so that they fit with each other from next month. I've paused all the apps for now as I'm very happy with where things are with him.

@Isitreallyme177 I really hate that kind of question too. It feels like like they're fishing for compliments or something

@Dirtyduck

Just checking in with the new thread - you've been very busy on here I'm many pages behind! Thank you *@Shayelle2009* for the new thread.

Nothing new to add from me really, MrMud and I are still going strong, he's coming to mine next week and I'm cooking for him. Its the first time I've ever invited an iron round to my house and it feels like quite a big step for me. We spent some time re-organizing our childfree weekends so that they fit with each other from next month. I've paused all the apps for now as I'm very happy with where things are with him.

That's great @Dirtyduck! ❤️

Hi, can I ask the collective wisdom re Hinge.
I liked a profile a couple of days ago and sent a short message, just a compliment and a question.

Nothing back, as per usual......but then today, the same profile is back in my feed.
Should I message again?
or ....assume that she was not interested?

onwards I don't hate you and you're not stupid! We all get carried away when we're really enjoying chatting to someone and Covid made meeting up difficult, but I think most of us have experienced the real life person not being anywhere as exciting as the person we chatted to online. Don't be hard on yourself but maybe read the rules of the thread again, just to remind yourself that you're looking for a real life connection with someone you can trust and be open and comfortable with, and where there's a mutual physical attraction.

Please can I join? I'm 3 weeks in and on Bumble and Hinge. Had one date, nice guy , video date had been promising but he was a little downtrodden/scruffy and boastful about being lazy at work. We left it nicely though. Things I'm noticing so far
Some men make literally NO effort, answer questions with one word answers etc
I've got a nice iron at the moment but he doesnt seem to message much in the evening- red flag for having a partner there with him?
Hinge is slow, but Bumble seems chaotic!

@Campariontherocks

Hi, can I ask the collective wisdom re Hinge. I liked a profile a couple of days ago and sent a short message, just a compliment and a question.

Nothing back, as per usual......but then today, the same profile is back in my feed.
Should I message again?
or ....assume that she was not interested?

I'd say she's not interested...

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

This was MrBookworm? Don't feel bad about not meeting, like @WeWantTheFinestWines said it's so easy to get carried away with chat/text relationships. A lot of us have been there!

I know in the past I've felt lonely and then felt someone I'd never met, or only met briefly was "my whole world" through messaging! But I meant nothing to them - it was just fantasy! Or worse, they got that I was vulnerable and took advantage of that.

Wasn't he the guy who said he'd met someone else after lots of chatting, suggesting video dates, sex talk?

I'd probably cut him off as he sounds manipulative and a timewaster - just block etc.

It sounds like you've been doing really well in yourself just focussing on study and your internal confidence and "not taking chatting on apps too seriously" and you don't want him to break that good pattern.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards I don't hate you and you're not stupid! We all get carried away when we're really enjoying chatting to someone and Covid made meeting up difficult, but I think most of us have experienced the real life person not being anywhere as exciting as the person we chatted to online. Don't be hard on yourself but maybe read the rules of the thread again, just to remind yourself that you're looking for a real life connection with someone you can trust and be open and comfortable with, and where there's a mutual physical attraction.

@WeWantTheFinestWines thank you 😘😘 i probably could have suggested a meet up when he got better, but I just didn't have the confidence at the time, and I thought he would want time to recuperate. He got COVID soon after we started talking and he had to get better quite swiftly because of his area of work.

I'm not sure he'd find me exciting. I've only ever been out with my ex, and he found me really exciting for a few months, until I wasn't good enough. I think he was the one to ask me out.

I had a boyfriend at college and he cheated on me with my friend, who was a pre op transsexual. So I'm not exactly confident with relationships ❤️

Nice peaceful walk with MrC today, just coffee and a park walk. Still attractive and there was a "bit of" frisson but seems to have moved nicely to mutual friendzone which I'm happy with.

I think for connecting with ex-irons there do need to be some boundaries - if we'd met in the evening and alcohol was involved would have been tempted to get naked, but the setting made it more companionable than sexual.

@Campariontherocks

Hi, can I ask the collective wisdom re Hinge. I liked a profile a couple of days ago and sent a short message, just a compliment and a question.

Nothing back, as per usual......but then today, the same profile is back in my feed.
Should I message again?
or ....assume that she was not interested?

I found Hinge to be very hit and miss and full of younger guys

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

This was MrBookworm? Don't feel bad about not meeting, like @WeWantTheFinestWines said it's so easy to get carried away with chat/text relationships. A lot of us have been there!

I know in the past I've felt lonely and then felt someone I'd never met, or only met briefly was "my whole world" through messaging! But I meant nothing to them - it was just fantasy! Or worse, they got that I was vulnerable and took advantage of that.

Wasn't he the guy who said he'd met someone else after lots of chatting, suggesting video dates, sex talk?

I'd probably cut him off as he sounds manipulative and a timewaster - just block etc.

It sounds like you've been doing really well in yourself just focussing on study and your internal confidence and "not taking chatting on apps too seriously" and you don't want him to break that good pattern.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk no, this wasn't Mr. Bookworm. (Though he hasn't helped my confidence, I must admit) I met my ex iron well before that.

I don't blame you for thinking it was though, as he did block me quite swiftly (with no explanation) after meeting another woman.

I haven't been in touch with him since then

❤️❤️ thank you for your lovely words 😘😘😘

@SpringlikeBunk and yes, the video chatting and sex talk guy was Mr. Bookworm.

He's notable for making me admit my lack of sexual experience during a video call. 😳

@BelladiMamma I didn't like Hinge either. There didn't seem to be a great deal of men on there. ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma I can be selfish, and I know I was selfish forwards him, I even was to my ex sometimes! My ex iron is only making me feel
Like I probably made him feel. ❤️[/quote]
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards we're all selfish sometimes, it's part of being human.

Blocking and ghosting someone isn't an appropriate response to finding out someone isn't perfect.

This is a recipe for walking in eggshells imo. I don't think this man is going to bring you happiness because you are already calling your worth into question at this early stage.

@AWonderfulNewName

I am going on two dates this week - The first time since dating my ex-husband 14 years ago! I have been on the OLD site for a year or so and suddenly, on the same day, I matched and chatted to two lovely people! I asked one of them out and the other one asked me out :) I am excited but also shitting myself!

Welcome @AWonderfulNewName 🙂 and good luck for your two dates this week!