Dating thread 210 - thwarted hearts, fresh starts

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards I do hope you're doing the right thing. The while scenario sounds a bit lopsided to me. You said something that wasn't vile or horrible and he ghosted you. Then you get in touch when you match and at one point you've told him you like him, is that right? But you're scared of talking to him properly because you're worried he'll flounce off again. Sounds like he has 100% of the power and you're almost doing the pick me dance? Please correct me if I've got the wrong end of the stick. I don't actually believe you are selfish. I'd put my money on your ex gaslighting you to think you are. And I'm guessing this new iron overreacted but now thinks he's got the upper hand because you've been apologising and wanting to meet up despite being ghosted.

But what do I know. I'm an old cynic. I'll cross my fingers and hope it works out well for you because you are so obviously lovely 🤞

@WeWantTheFinestWines 😘

We started chatting last year, we got on very well and he apparently told his family, friends etc about me.

Because he was diagnosed with COVID, there was a long gap where we didn't talk, but I texted him on occasion, just 'I hope you're okay, I'm here for you, kind of thing.'

We then resumed talking. I once asked him if he fancied me, because I was getting to really like him. He said he did. On another occasion, he said that 'I made him want to be better about himself.'

Before the block, he didn't speak to me for a week. (I imagine he was busy) I was low, achey and worried about him, so I sent him the message. He messaged back that he was tired, I apologised. When I woke the next day, I wanted to clear the air, so apologised again. When I went on WhatsApp again, I saw he had blocked me.

I deleted his number months ago. I thought I didn't need it.

When I rejoined the dating website, I noticed he'd viewed my profile.

There's been no word from him until this Sunday. I saw his profile and my heart just gave this big lift. I thought he'd just ignore me though. I didn't expect him to get in touch.

I don't feel I can ask him how he feels about me in case he goes away again. I don't want that to
happen, even though part of me doesn't think I deserve him, because I know I can be a bit neurotic where men are concerned.

I said when I contacted him after he viewed my profile that if he wanted to give things another go between us, I would give him as much space as he needed, so that's what I'm trying to do ❤️

Thank you though. think you're wonderful 💖

My ex said I was clingy (I wasn't!) and he didn't like me as a lover. Does that count as gaslighting? ❤️

@Isitreallyme177

Can I ask a really stupid question. So I'm swiping on Tinder and I keep coming across Mr Cricket, I can't bring myself to swipe left on him but I don't want to swipe right. What do I do?🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️. Tinder obviously knows something we don't as I've deleted and rejoined 3 times now and each time he has appeared.

Swipe left. No doubt.

@Iamclearlyamug ❤️❤️❤️

Definitely swipe no in mrcricket

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

My ex said I was clingy (I wasn't!) and he didn't like me as a lover. Does that count as gaslighting? ❤️

Yes

Have you had any sort of help / opportunity to talk with someone neutral about this?

♥️♥️♥️

@BelladiMamma thank you. I wasn't aware of that.

No, I haven't had any help. I haven't been truly happy with myself since my ex dumped me. That's why I feel scared about going the distance with relationships, because I think I'm not good enough to do it. My ex taught me that at the end of our relationship.

Our relationship was my ex's first serious one, if that makes any difference. He was knocked back by a girl he went to university with after telling her he loved her, and I think it scarred him a little. ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma thank you. I wasn't aware of that.

No, I haven't had any help. I haven't been truly happy with myself since my ex dumped me. That's why I feel scared about going the distance with relationships, because I think I'm not good enough to do it. My ex taught me that at the end of our relationship.

Our relationship was my ex's first serious one, if that makes any difference. He was knocked back by a girl he went to university with after telling her he loved her, and I think it scarred him a little. ❤️

[/quote]
Other than my gnarly real life experience I am not a 'qualified' person but I think it might help if you had someone neutral to chat with as this seems to be impacting on your confidence now?

I'm not fully able to break my patterns, but I recognise them and I am much more honest and transparent with where I'm at these days - with myself and others.

Somebody asked what a tree surgeon is. They climb trees and chop big branches off them. They're generally very physically fit because of their job. Locally they're everyone's fantasy boyfriend, a bit like firemen, but mainly because we all have large trees on our properties given the way the area has been developed. I've know my BFF since we were 9, plus I know his ex so this a no go area but it's so great to have a blokey bloke around sometimes

@BelladiMamma funnily enough, my mum says I need a therapist. (Not that I have the money for one) 😂😂 I did have CBT years ago but it didn't work.

I feel sorry for my ex iron if we ever date/ get into a relationship. He doesn't know about this but he'll have to deal with it, won't he? ❤️

Ok can someone please tell me what the hell is going on

I have had 6-7 irons ask me out on a date / offer to bring cake and scrabble to see me.

No one however seems capable of actually suggesting anything firm, even with the date 2's eg MrItaly

Sure, I've put it out there that I'm pretty much confined to barracks, can travel very locally only, not yet 100%. Is that why we think they're just flakes? Or is it because as BeardFlake says I'm a 'catch' but actually no one can be arsed to make it a reality?

I've just had a series of messages from MrDJ, we're vibing very nicely ... I pop into the conversation will be great to catch up, when's good & nothing nada zilch tumbleweed

It's soooo frustrating. Has anyone else experienced this?

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma funnily enough, my mum says I need a therapist. (Not that I have the money for one) 😂😂 I did have CBT years ago but it didn't work.

I feel sorry for my ex iron if we ever date/ get into a relationship. He doesn't know about this but he'll have to deal with it, won't he? ❤️
[/quote]
Well you don't have to second guess the ex iron. Who knows what baggage he'll be bringing?

You could probably get counselling on the NHS. Wait times are around 3 months, but if you spoke to your GP you could at least get on a list? Might be helpful?

I plucked up the courage to chat to people, I feel so nervous. My social skills are so out of wack. So I said hi to one guy and he wants to call me straight away. It's too soon and I'm still kind of suspicious. Anyway, I'm trying to ask questions, joke, the one or two word sentences are driving me up the wall.

@saya000

I plucked up the courage to chat to people, I feel so nervous. My social skills are so out of wack. So I said hi to one guy and he wants to call me straight away. It's too soon and I'm still kind of suspicious. Anyway, I'm trying to ask questions, joke, the one or two word sentences are driving me up the wall.

I hear you! Sometimes a call isn't a bad thing, it lets you figure out if you'd get on with that person IRL, but don't feel pressure todo it

My mum annoyed me earlier. My ex was helping me sort my spare room out last week so this week it's my turn to help him. My mum said you're spending a lot of time with him. And when I said I'm not an idiot she actually said I was. 🤦‍♀️. Sorry but wtf, I nearly told her about Computer Geek and Mr Cricket just to shut her up😡. It's like just because I'm not in a relationship or divorced my parents think we're going to get back together or should hate each other. 😡

Ok lovely threaders I have a plan.

I'm just going to mentally check out of all my chats for 24, 48 hours. I'm not going to reply or initiate anything more unless it's in response to a date.

That way I'm out of the dopamine / exhaustion cycle of will they / won't they.

I'm not going to post on socials for a week.

I'm just going to switch off and see what happens. Whenever I'm tempted to write or post I'll hit my journal or my favourite books

Let's see what happens! Can't be anymore frustrating than what I'm living through at the moment!! Plus, I'm ill. I need to recover!! I'm so crap at switching off. Could be an interesting couple of days for me 😂🤦🏻‍♀️😳

Yeah I just felt like it was too soon, because he was like I can't be bothered to text.. Also he hasn't responded to my question, so onto the other match. The second match, is pretty responsive,the conversation is flowing nicely.

Hope you feel better soon belladi! Enjoy your time off :)

@saya000

Yeah I just felt like it was too soon, because he was like I can't be bothered to text.. Also he hasn't responded to my question, so onto the other match. The second match, is pretty responsive,the conversation is flowing nicely.

Sounds more promising!

@saya000

Hope you feel better soon belladi! Enjoy your time off :)

Thank you!

It's such a head fuck isn't it?

I've never really dated any English guys, they've usually been Mediterranean or Middle Eastern. Who are much more formal - match, set a date, follow up, bagsy you, encroach, control 😂 you get the picture.

Are English guys just a bit more flaky in general?

@BelladiMamma thank you. I'll look into it. That's really helpful. You learn such a lot being on this thread, I find ❤️

@BelladiMamma and hope you get better soon ❤️😘😘

Sorry last thought on this. The women are sooo much better, they want to get dates and times in and stay in touch more regularly. I think english men are letting the side down 😂

@BelladiMamma that sounds like a good plan. Stay strong!

@Iamclearlyamug just read about your awful experience! That’s worrying. And nothing you could have done. Hope you’re ok x