Leaving dh - anyone want to join for support?

[MoanaMammoth]

Having couples counselling which has been really good however it has made me realise this can never work. Dh is a good man but we are on completely different pages about how we live and what we want from life and marriage and are making each other miserable. We have 2 children age 2 and 5. I feel sick at the thought of putting us all through this but I think it’s the only way forward. We have an individual session each with the counsellor in a couple of weeks so not going to do anything before this as I want to use this to help work through all my fears and mentally prepare. Would anyone who is in a similar boat like to join for support? Maybe you are thinking of leaving or have recently left? x

I have recently (in the last 2 weeks) left my partner (of 14 years) for similar reasons (+he literally never grew up). And it’s hard but once you know it’s hard to move on with them. He was devastated and is still trying to ‘change and right the wrongs’ but that just makes things harder tbh.

Our DD is 12 he also has a 17 who is a big part of my life.

He is living with us still for now in the spare room and it’s unbearable tbh

Hi there please can I join in the thread, I'm in a similar position.

After years of unhappiness and trying to get along, things have gone from bad to worse. I'm in the process of leaving as I can't take it anymore. We have a DD who is 3 and I want her to grow up in a happy home. I want my life back. I'm so unhappy but mainly numb now as it's been too many arguments, too much resentment and now suddenly it's turned all on me as the bitch who is leaving. Realised that DH is majorly passive aggressive and I believe is the root of the marriage issues. I didn't realise what this actually meant but my counsellor pointed out what is passive aggression and it all makes sense now.

Anyway I'm sorry this is happening to you too OP. Hope this thread can be a support to everyone in the same position, I definitely need it.

Hi. I'd also like to join. I'm with my H for 20 years, married for 15 and he has refused to deal with anger issues so I've had enough. My kids are 11 and 10.

I'll jump on here too , posted previously about some stuff but not all. I could write a book. Been together 15 years and 2 kids, 8 and 6. So many ups and downs , no consistency, volatility, aggression, no boundaries the list goes on and on ... like another poster said - but im the bitch for leaving and for breaking up the family unit. We are living in same house, different bedrooms thank god but it really is unbearable. The last few weeks have swung between open aggression to him.acting like an injured puppy dog. It's actually exhausting, we are going to mediation soon and I'm hoping that will give us an exit plan , mainly him moving out . We both need to move on with our lives. I feel like I'm stuck in such a limbo at the moment 😕

Sorry to hear everyone having such a hard time but sounds like a lot of the same feelings and experiences. @Blossombo well done for starting the process! How are you planning to move forward? @Halfpastfun that sounds really hard. You know though it’s not all your fault. I definitely get that numb feeling, like self preservation. @Deedee121 yeh why are so many men so angry? Have you told him you want to separate yet? @Hopeful22 this is what I’m so worried about. I know it will be a mixture of upset, crying, silence, anger and I’m so scared of having to live like that and at the same time try to organise our future. It seems too hard!

@MoanaMammoth yes I know what you mean about self preservation. That's exactly where I'm at right now. Your DC are tiny like mine but I am feeling like I will have a breakdown soon if I don't leave. I think give it a few years and it would be even harder to leave when DC are older. I've given it more than enough, I know I have, I've considered the possibility of living my own life whilst still in the marriage - forging my own interests and friendships and contact with family but it is soul destroying being married to someone who doesn't give a monkeys about you, sees you as a bossy, abusive woman and generally isn't interested at the end of the day. Since DD was born (and if I'm brave enough to admit it) I've felt invisible to my husband. I recall when TTC I think the sex was only to TTC. I find myself begging, nagging him for small talk, for some fun and shared activities, but nothing comes of it. Nevermind the lack of intimacy.

@Hopeful22 yes it feels like limbo doesn't it. I really hope your mediation goes well and gives you a good outcome. I know what you mean that living separately under 1 roof is unbearable and just no way to live. I realised that we have been sleeping separately for over a year now - mainly my choice as I felt it unbearable to be in bed with someone who ignores me day and night and then in bed as well.

I'm sorry to hear everyone's suffering like this

Sorry for the long post... Just so much in my head and it's all getting too much

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Jumping in, recently separated from partner of 10 years. No kids but still living together while I find somewhere else. It's largely amicable but I still feel horrible about it despite it being the right thing to do. I think moving all my stuff out will be the hardest thing!

Hi @Itsallabouttea, sorry you are going through this too.
@Halfpastfun sounds good you aren’t letting it go on any longer - that sounds awful!

Something here is up. Dh has never been controlling but is questioning me a lot and being really suspicious and scowling and barely speaking. Had to take dd in for HV appointment and they said only one parent to come in due to covid restrictions and afterwards he was quizzing me about what had taken so long, sounding super suspicious. I think he knows this will end soon and is flitting between super nice, sad and vulnerable and angry and suspicious. Keep going everyone, we can do this!!

Can I join, I joined a similar thread previously and I'm ashamed I've still not been brave enough to leave. He won't leave, I can't afford to and I'm currently sitting in a car park in my car as I had to get out of the house. As we've just had a big fight. My primary aged child is at school. He calls me names (to be fair I have done that too), drinks far too much and tries to hide it, hates all my friends and family, and spends so much time asleep that I really don't see the point any longer. Never wants to do anything or go anywhere. Has been like this at least 3 years. I know it's wrong to stay because of the child but I really see no easy way out. I don't currently work full time and that gets thrown in my face frequently too, even though it was a joint decision at the time. I know he'd make my life even more miserable than it already is and I'm scared he'll try to paint an awful picture of me and take my child away, even though every school activity or after school activity, friends meet ups and child care is organised by me. We have some debt to in each of our names and I'm scared he'll try to leave it all with me. Struggling to see how to begin to try to sort it.

Hope everyone is doing OK? @marypoppinsreturns I have to go to my car if I want to make a phone call cause my stbxh ( I can't actually write DH) is home all the time and I don't trust that he wouldn't be listening in ... I very much resonate with your posts. Very similar fears - he has said awful things to me about If I ever tried to leave, which he denies of course , calls me crazy has done in front if the kids too - he accepts nothing of what I say , but really with a person like this you will never win against. I know you feel trapped, I do do as have very low finances , but making the decision to leave is the first step, its so brave believe its taken me 15 years to realise that things are wrong and I deserve better ... hope your OK 🌷

@marypoppinsreturns sorry you haven’t felt able to leave yet, that must be so so tough. Would it really be more awful than it currently is though? You wouldn’t actually be living together so that could make a huge difference. Also the fear about taking your child away, not sure he could do that and also would he really want the full time responsibility of having a child that much? My dad said all sorts of nonsense when my parents split as a kid and it was just bluster. In the end he didn’t want any custody of us at all, not even the occasional weekend. Have you spoken to a solicitor as you might find that they are able to address some of these fears. My worries are mainly how we could both financially support ourselves living separately. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor to look at how things might pan out. I feel really scared dh will find out though. I have this weird need for him to like me despite wanting to end things. Really want it to be amicable and so worried about what will happen if it’s not.

So sorry all of yous are going through it... I feel kinda bad cause my situation is not bad If I think about it but I'm just not happy.. I don't fancy my DH anymore. We've been together 10 years,2 young children, we are in our mid thirties. I know intimacy is not the most important thing but I Don't want to carry on like this. I don't know what to do

@MoanaMammoth @Hopeful22 thank you both for your kind words. It really does make me feel less alone. It's a cycle, and I know it, we can go a while getting on ok and then the slightest thing makes things kick off and I am always the bad guy. I know this can't go on long term, my child will soon be aware things aren't right and I absolutely don't want him affected, so I need to formulate a plan. We are having some home improvements done soon which are absolutely necessary whether I somehow manage to stay in the house or if we have to sell it so will try to make it through the next few weeks.
I'm also going to see about upping my hours at work if I can, again essential to help me get out of this mess.

Can I join to? Together since we were teens, over 20 years, married for 10, 3 DC eldest is 9. If I'm being honest our marriage has been over for probably 3 years. That's when H told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, then refused to discuss it or give me a clear answer. I did the pick me dance for a while, eventually the damage to my self esteem was too much and I withdrew. That's when everything blew up. H was horrible, abusive scary behaviour for about 6 months. I should have left then, I was too worried about how our DC would cope without me, been trying to repair the cracks ever since. I've finally realised that's futile, organised to get some therapy, try and find the strength to tell him I'm done, and now we're locked down again. Not UK. Had to cancel my first appointment as I don't want H to know. He'll see this as proof it's my fault because of my messed up thinking. His words.

@Halfpastfun, @MoanaMammoth yes I know what you mean about self preservation. That's exactly where I'm at right now. Your DC are tiny like mine but I am feeling like I will have a breakdown soon if I don't leave. I think give it a few years and it would be even harder to leave when DC are older. I've given it more than enough, I know I have, I've considered the possibility of living my own life whilst still in the marriage - forging my own interests and friendships and contact with family but it is soul destroying being married to someone who doesn't give a monkeys about you. All this. It hurts so much living with someone who doesn't care about you at all. I have given it too much, but I still doubt myself because of how he's been, gaslighting, everything's my fault. I don't know how much longer I can go on living together, but unless he's prepared to move out we'll be stuck in one house till finances are sorted and house sold. Worried how much worse that will be once he knows I'm done.

@marypoppinsreturns this isn't my first support thread either, must be over 18 months now and still no closer to leaving.

Yes this - everything OK for a while, then something kicks off, probably something small but that sets the tone for days , silence, snappy behaviour, no affection, hostility. And repeat forever , kids will soon be copping on to the atmosphere in the house and how do you explain it . It will never end without change but before change comes accountability and I know in my situation I'll never get accountability from.him as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

If you are contemplating leaving your dh then things are bad. Don't think your situation isn't as bad as anyone else's, we all have a right to happiness its as basic as that. It's when you are made feel guilty about it and being questioned and challenged constantly being asked to justify your actions- these are the things that make me realise that we have a right to pursue our own happiness, it shouldn't be something that we give up on because of our circumstances or our finances, I literally haven't a penny to my name I don't even have a job but my god do I have my integrity and my truth - getting out of this relationship is a necessity for me and my kids. For our future happiness, even for my bastard stbxh if he would open his mind and stop being such a competitive sociopath, he would realise he might actually find happiness too after he's completed a lot of therapy, which will never happen, so who knows but point is. I'm not sacrificing my happiness and quality of life anymore just cause he wants to stay married and live in his distorted world .

Morning all, @Winter2019 - of course and yes again there are no points awarded here for how bad your situation is. You may find if you really delve into why you aren’t attracted anymore you might find more reasons than you think.
@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I’m sorry, sounds like you’ve been through it plus back in lockdown must be so tough when things are so difficult already. It makes me shudder to think what people have put up with in relationships since the start of the pandemic.

I am feeling awful this morning as have had a total of 3 hours sleep. STBXH (I have promoted him from dh) woke me up at half midnight. First hour he spent having a go at me about what an awful human I was, second hour he just sobbed and moaned like a dying animal saying he wanted to kill himself, third hour I lost it and raged at him for everything while he sat promising to change and begging me not to leave. Fourth hour he started on the defensive again trying to justify everything. Now I’m up with our toddler. I specifically told him
I needed a good sleep as we are going camping for 3 nights with the kids (god it’s going to be hell but they are so excited). On the plus side it has changed up the fear for rage and made given me the final spark I needed. Downside is I told him about my solicitor appt and I kind of feel oddly vulnerable about that.

Should say I probably won’t be on here the rest of the week while we are away but it would be great if you guys stick around to support each other. Sending huge hugs to all who need them this morning x

Just wanted to jump on and say - you’re all so young, leave now so you don’t waste your life and have regrets.
Don’t stay for the kids, with you both living a miserable life.
Just keep thinking of the end prize 💐

Thanks so much @GoodnightGrandma, need to hear that this morning x

I think this is a good post to all share the same feelings.

It’s officially over between us, he has moved out and he has told his 17yr old daughter which he hadn’t in the last couple of weeks, she (as our 12yr old) has been brilliant.

The benefit of kids being older is that they are more able to understand and you can talk to them about things to help them understand. The downside is that they do have an opinion on the situation and teenagehood is a emotionally vulnerable place too for them.

I feel relief and I am cautiously optimistic about my future now, I will only have to worry about me and my daughter (and all the animals) I have done that for years anyway but now without his drama and complications.

I am a bit worried about the finances because although I have a job it will be tight but il make it work.
No point in asking him for money because he never had any when we were together. Although I have requested formal child support (why not he owes it) but I am catering without it.

It’s tough because I do care about him, he never did anything awful just years of not doing anything.

But I am done. I owe it to my daughter to be resilient and power through.

Hi 👋
Can I join pls!

Hi none if you should be coping or managing any aggression from these men. Call the police and get them removed.
The worse time for abuse if when the abuser knows it’s over.
If you in the uk check Entitled to which is a benefit calculator.
Good luck to you all.

@MoanaMammoth best of luck over the next few days , will be thinking of you camping hopefully your stbxh will act like a father and suck it up for his kids so they enjoy the camping. But I know, I have a constant pit of despair in my stomach, feel sick all the time being around him makes me so on edge and as op said now that he knows it's over its like he has gotten worse no concern for my feelings whatsoever its like a manic rage which makes him unpredictable and I don't like it.
You must be exhausted aswell listening to all that last night ? How horrendous for you , so mentally draining. Sometimes it's easier to run on rage than sadness but again, please god , it won't be like this forever 🙏

Hopefully you are all doing ok this evening. Mentally drained is how often feel too, having also spent many nights with little sleep for similar reasons.

He went to bed at 5.30 tonight and if I question it he will say it's because he's tired and he works full time. I actually think he might be ill as I have never met anyone who can sleep so much and it's got steadily worse over the years. There's also depression and anxiety mixed in (which he says I caused). Overall today was a better day and that's when I start thinking maybe I'm over reacting, but sensible me knows things can flip quickly. I will just try not to react to the things that upset me but I find that difficult and it always makes things worse.