Leaving dh - anyone want to join for support?

[MoanaMammoth]

Having couples counselling which has been really good however it has made me realise this can never work. Dh is a good man but we are on completely different pages about how we live and what we want from life and marriage and are making each other miserable. We have 2 children age 2 and 5. I feel sick at the thought of putting us all through this but I think it’s the only way forward. We have an individual session each with the counsellor in a couple of weeks so not going to do anything before this as I want to use this to help work through all my fears and mentally prepare. Would anyone who is in a similar boat like to join for support? Maybe you are thinking of leaving or have recently left? x

@Carandi sorry to hear about your experience and lack of husbands support.

At the moment I am thinking of things as if I were alone so in terms of looking for housing etc making sure that I'll be able to afford payments and bills alone as clearly he is not someone who can be relied upon. But this is hard at the moment and seriously limiting my options.

His name will not be on any mortgage and he is aware of this - this is in part due to how he has been since the birth of DD but also because of issues with his credit etc and me not wanting to be financially linked with him at this moment in time.

Morning all!

@Tee20x that sounds sensible that you are trying to make sure you can go it alone. That’s good that he will at least give money when asked - is there something more regular you could set up? Was he keen to have a baby before you became pregnant? Such a shame he wants so little involvement.

Morning! How is everyone today?

@MoanaMammoth I have thought about having something like a standing order in place so may broach this. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but in the run up there was excitement and planning from the both of us & for a few weeks after the birth everything was fine and then it just seemed to go downhill from there.

It's got to a stage now where I don't really care about the relationship but more about the practicalities of managing day to day.

That's so sensible @Tee20x to not put him on the mortgage. Your DD has to come first now and sounds as though you have your head firmly screwed on.

All good here. Agonising wait now for the referencing/credit check on our new house. Extremely anxious about how I'm going to tell him nearer the time but every day when he's ignoring me/making a mess/trying to wind me up just confirms to me I'm making the right decision.

Hello all
Got the keys to new place and moving this week. Going back to shared living at my age is not ideal but it's all I can afford- even a studio flat in my area would be totally out of the question. Things have been ok, he's quite sad and so am I but I still feel it's the right thing to do. Onwards and upwards!

Good luck @Itsallabouttea. Although it will be difficult emotionally I'm so pleased for you that it's fairly amicable with your ex. I'm waiting for my rental to be approved (going through vetting process) and my husband knows nothing yet as he will react very badly in an angry/nasty way. I hope the move goes well.

@Tee20x that’s so sad but sounds like you are focusing on the important things and making a future for you and your baby.
@Carandi good luck - hope all the checks come back fine. If you are worried about him getting nasty maybe have someone with you when you tell him, safety first and all that.
@Itsallabouttea - great stuff! Hope the move goes well.

We have individual counselling sessions tomorrow with the couples counsellor. It’s so hard as he’s been basically perfect since it all kicked off before camping. Just lovely in every way. I have to keep reminding myself how bad things are but it’s so hard to keep
momentum when it’s like looking at a different person. I know what I need to do but it feels impossible leaving this version of him. How do people have the strength to do this?

Can I join you! married for 14 yrs , 2 dc 12 and 14. Been unhappy for years, things have come to a head as oldest DC been getting into trouble, talks to me now as DH talks to me. Have begged DH for support with this and am told that am over anxious ( this is after a police caution and suspension from school) Have tried to express how I feel but get shouted at and told to stop moaning. STBXH alternately emotional or angry but agreed to do first counselling session yesterday. My issue is the extreme anxiety and fear I am experiencing but the constant questionning is it bad enough to risk upsetting DC. very much aware that constant tension, angry DH and our fights are v harmful. People say grass may not be greener but what is it is? i feel that am becoming gradually more bitter and resentful. the thought of having sex with him makes ne feel sick and he is not happy about this and says I am cold. tHe worst thing that has been a bit of a deal breaker is that he is insistent on having a gun in the house for his once a month clay pigeon shopping session. I am horrified about this due to our DS’s volatility and big mouth to others and have pleaded with DH not to do this. This is a long line of things I have expressed a strong opinion about ehich he ignores, dismisses and then goes ahead and does exactly what he wants. I am looking for support, to give support and try to make some sense of this.

shooting not shopping
sorry for long post

Hi @Melocoton he sounds awful. So sorry to hear your dc is having problems and has been looking to your dh as an example of how to treat their mother. That must be incredibly hard. I think this is the part to focus on rather than grass is greener. If a friend came to you with the same problem what would you advise them? Have you started to make a plan to leave? Xx

May I join? I'll be back with more info, but didn't want to lose the thread! I think you all are very brave, even those if you who haven't quite left yet. It's jolly hard!!

@MoanaMammoth thank you, I am so glad I stumbled upon this thread! Remember that some people will try their very hardest when faced with separation and its not sustainable for too long! I also was very confused as my DH turned into Mr Kind and Calm last week which is so hard to leave but luckily reverted to type soon after that.
Your DC are still little and am sure they will adapt with your support and I wish I had done this years ago. Im not sure there is ever a good time to do this. Having young DC is hard but the challenges continue. what do you mean by differences being too large in OP? apologies if have missed something.
I have thought the same anout how on earth do people do this. I took my DC to a high wire tree climb wire, have a bad fear of heights but made myself jump off platforms ( just trusting in the harness) being aware this is so similar to the feeing IYKWIM?

My head is so confused but i would prob advise my friend to leave although DH has a very good external face. no plans to go yet although have spoken to a solicitor, for now in spare room and weekly counselling!

Welcome @Melocoton and @MackenCheese. @Melocoton I too would not be happy with a gun in the house. Does your H keep it locked away properly?

I have good news in that our references checked out and the rental agreement is signed. Now just waiting for the agents to confirm move in date which is provisionally next Tuesday. My adult DDs are determined to move out that very day but I can't as I'm at work and can't get time off so I'd have to follow at the weekend. Absolutely dreading this weekend when the girls begin boxing up belongings and dismantling bedroom furniture as that's when it will probably kick off with husband.

I have first joint counselling session next week after solo ones.. Not looking forward to it.
Things were going well ish then the constant moaning started, it's soul destroying and I forgot how much I hate it, and drama with his exw which he doesn't help with and general selfishness. He moved out 2 months ago but brought his washing here while watching our ds - random n cheeky.
Weekend before he picked a 6 hour fight about me trying to control him apparently and telling him he's a bad dad. I didn't but he was drunk and wouldn't listen.
I just want calmness. I'm very short of money at the min but feel less anxious when he's not around.

Aware that was rambling sorry. He keeps being nice aka buying me wine n chocolate. I don't wnat that, I want real change

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Things are getting worse for me. I keep flipping back and forth in my head whether I should leave and look forward to a new life where I don't feel unloved and invisible, treated like a stranger and where any communication, joy or conflict resolution in the marriage is engineered by me. H is burying his head in the sand and is acting like nothing is happening, he doesn't ask how I am or wants to talk. Even I'm going to him crying and he can see how unhappy and frustrated I am. On the other hand I am totally see the benefits of keeping the family unit in tact for DC sake and on a practical level, because H does pull his weight but is just a crap, defensive and passive aggressive husband. Seeing him like a live in nanny in a way and nothing more. That sounds so cold doesn't it but its truly where I'm at. I feel like I'm trapped and further trapping myself by not being brave enough.

I didn't mention in earlier posts but I got so fed up the last few weeks that I have actually offered and had accepted a small flat that I can afford with my savings without H. It's processing and I am scared and excited. I have no real idea what I'm doing. I've mentioned it to him and no questions, no "we need to talk". So if that continues what am I meant to do?

Sorry rambling... Just desperate today

It’s all gone tits up, had our individual counselling sessions today, talked after and he’s saying if I leave he will fight for full custody of kids, was saying this is all my fault and how could I do this to him etc. I said I’d take the kids to my mums for the weekend so we could have a breather but he says I can’t take the kids with me. I’m really scared, I’ve never seen this side of him before. I haven’t even said I’m leaving. Sorry, I will respond to other messages when I get a chance, just needed to blurt. He’s taken kids to the park and I’m just sat here shaking and crying.

@Halfpastfun sorry to hear that you feel things are getting worse. Just remember that you deserve to be happy. I fully understand what you mean about staying together for the practical side of things but at the end of the day do you want to stay in a marriage such as that you've described? What would you advise one of your children to do if it was them in your place?

The fact that he continues to bury his head in the sand despite the fact that you've gone and got your own flat, to me just signifies that he doesn't care.

You say he pulls his weight in regards to the children - do you think he will continue to do so should you separate?

Just remember that you deserve to be happy & feel loved & excited and all the good things. Pity I can't take my own advice!!

To everyone else, thanks for your kind words and support.

@MoanaMammoth
Try to stay calm. Does he work? Do you think he could parent 24/7?
Many years ago now, my Exh decided he wanted out, and also decided he’d fight me for custody as he thought I was an “unfit mother” with no justification whatsoever.
I panicked initially, but my solicitor calmed me down, asked me if I thought exh could manage our 3 kids (aged 12, 9 and 6 at the time) ...of course he couldn’t. He was a GP, he worked insane hours, had lots of social commitments, rarely came home before 10pm. Had never done school runs, parents evenings, sports clubs/ lessons.
I worked part time nights as a nurse, fitting in around him of course.

He left, we managed very well without him thank you. Stay strong

Thanks @Slingsanderrors, I calmed down and later asked him if he would genuinely consider taking his children away from their mother almost full time. He claims he didn’t know that’s what full custody meant and that he was using it “as an expression” - wtf? Since when was threatening going for full custody an expression?! He was then whining that I was going to my mums as he’d have to look after the kids on his own but when I said I’d take them with me he said no, he wants us to have the weekend as a family.

@Slingsanderrors really glad to hear things worked out for you!

@MackenCheese definitely, hope you’re doing ok.

@Melocoton that’s for your lovely message. By differences I mean in what we want from life, our ideas and values just don’t match up. It’s also that there is no compromise, he wants everything to be exactly his way and if I makes suggestions contrary he’ll just whine until I give up and he gets his way. He also suffers from mood swings which seem to bring a cloud over the house regularly. It’s to the point where I only have to spill something and my body freezes as I’m scared of how much of a huff he’ll get into about it.

@Carandi that’s amazing it all checked out! Could you at least sleep at the new place? Just so you are safer and away from him. It sounds pretty bad. Keep going, you are nearly there!

@Pleaseaddcaffine 6 hours!! I though my 4 was bad enough. I think we’ll look back on these times and wonder what on earth we were thinking staying so long and worrying about the decision so much.

@Halfpastfun yes sorry it’s getting worse. I could have written your post and it is horrible. That’s amazing you have taken a big step and sorted yourself a place - well done! Whenever I wobble I just try and remember that it is bad for kids to see this type of relationship.

Xx

Thanks and yes agreed.
He's just told me planning to go to France for a week with his dad for their joint hobby... I said you auve 4 children. You can't just do that as life isn't that way and I got a blank look and it's just a week.
I know it's petty but he's had the 4 kids 1 day for 3 hours a time during all of the school holidays as he's busy with work... He can't just swan off during term time and assume myself and his exw will again pick up all 4 kids.
He geunly can't see the issue... Apaprntly I'm unreasonable and controlling

Sorry to hear it's gone a bit shit @MoanaMammoth. It must be so much more complicated with kids involved. I stayed at my new place last night and have basically just cried since getting here. It feels all wrong and I'm wondering if I've made a massive mistake despite knowing deep down that we couldn't carry on the way things were. I hope this gets easier because at the moment I can't face leaving the room or doing anything. He's so upset and I feel so guilty