Leaving dh - anyone want to join for support?

[MoanaMammoth]

Having couples counselling which has been really good however it has made me realise this can never work. Dh is a good man but we are on completely different pages about how we live and what we want from life and marriage and are making each other miserable. We have 2 children age 2 and 5. I feel sick at the thought of putting us all through this but I think it’s the only way forward. We have an individual session each with the counsellor in a couple of weeks so not going to do anything before this as I want to use this to help work through all my fears and mentally prepare. Would anyone who is in a similar boat like to join for support? Maybe you are thinking of leaving or have recently left? x

For those of you wondering whether leaving is the right thing....this is probably really outing but I started a new job earlier this year in the funeral industry. I'm shocked at the young ages of some of the people coming through our doors - in the 40s and 50s is quite common. It's taught me that we are not guaranteed an old age so we need to make the most of what life we have and do whatever we need to do to be happy and make a happy life for our kids. It spurred me on to finally do something about my own situation.

@MoanaMammoth i hate hearing stories like this re threatening full custody and if you want to take the DC to your mums, thats absolutely ok! do what makes you happy! i know exactly what you mean about differences in values etc.
@Carandi that must indeed leave a large inpact on you!
one thing ive been aware of is being very envious of people who seem to like each other in telatiosnhips and enjoy going on holiday with their partner! i dread going on holiday with him.
went out last night and cane home at four am!!! feeling rather delicate and needy today and scared but its just the hangover blues i think!

@Tee20x @MoanaMammoth thank you for your support.

The fact that he continues to bury his head in the sand despite the fact that you've gone and got your own flat, to me just signifies that he doesn't care
Yes I'm really realising that once I've stepped back from him now, I can see it all so clearly. The lack of care, effort to communicate, as has always been the case but the difference now is I'm not going to try anymore, I'm no longer willing to over compensate on trying to debate, argue and drive myself insane to make things OK. He's carrying on like nothing, goes about his business and just ignores me all day and night. Apparently he's booked us a marriage counselling session "to decide if any thing's worth saving". I don't even have the energy to decipher that. I feel so lonely and hopeless. It's just one day at a time for now.

To those who have gotten away and in or about to be in your new homes without the deadweight of a shitty husband anymore - well done! I can imagine the relief is immense!

Sorry no energy to respond to other PPs right now but I'm wishing you all strength and peace over the long weekend. I am so grateful for everyone on this thread sharing their experiences and support.

@Pleaseaddcaffine that’s nuts he just went abroad like that. Seems really entitled behaviour. You are definitely not unreasonable or controlling!

I’m at my mums. Think he though if he said he wanted the kids I would stay but I went anyway so having a lovely lie in. The kids will have a great time with him, he’s very hands on and a lot of fun. I am going to lie in the sun and drink cocktails with my mum

@Itsallabouttea well done! Keep going, it was bound to be emotional. Remind yourself regularly why you did this. It will be ok x

@Carandi wow that definitely does sound like a job to make you appreciate and not waste your life! This must have been a tough time to work in the funeral industry.

@Melocoton I always thought that about holidays too! Always made my peace with it as we kind of rubbed along ok at home through the years but would be lovely to have amazing holidays together.

@Halfpastfun you really sound in a very desperate place. Are you ok in yourself, as in are you just feeling sad/hurt/lonely etc or has it tipped into something more? Take care of yourself xx
Also I agree on saying well done to those who got out the other side of this. Would love to hear any stories of this!

MoanaMammoth - yep! Gaslighting as my counseller said. I feel I'm going mental and live in a parallel universe sometimes.
It's controlling for me to say, after he can't house his 4 children that he needs to change jobs as his slef employment isnt supporting hsi family (but he loves it), its controlling to expect him to pay maintenance to support said children rather than spend thousands and thousands on his hobby as I can't tell him what to do, it's controlling to expect him to stick to his promises that he voluntarily makes. If you don't wnat to do it then don't say you will, simples.
Honstly it's exhusting but so is the lack of understanding that I work full time too! In a semi senior role. His response well its okay for you as you have set hours and paid holiday and I dont.
Sorry but of a rant but the more space I get the less insane I feel. I'm honestly a rational person most of the time. Gaslighting and passive aggression are awful things that I will not put up with again

@Carandi

Welcome *@Melocoton* and *@MackenCheese. *@Melocoton** I too would not be happy with a gun in the house. Does your H keep it locked away properly?

I have good news in that our references checked out and the rental agreement is signed. Now just waiting for the agents to confirm move in date which is provisionally next Tuesday. My adult DDs are determined to move out that very day but I can't as I'm at work and can't get time off so I'd have to follow at the weekend. Absolutely dreading this weekend when the girls begin boxing up belongings and dismantling bedroom furniture as that's when it will probably kick off with husband.

If you box up your stuff too couldn't your DDs take it with them? I'd certainly do that for my parent. I expect you being their without DDs would give him leave to up the nastiness.

So basically his idea of 'controlling' is any expectation that he'll act like a parent and an adult @Pleaseaddcaffine . He'll say anything to gaslight you so he can get his way. Gaslighting is so horrible to go through. STBXH all the things he's said twisting everything into my fault, they're all there in my head and it makes it so hard to think straight, even when I know I'm not being unreasonable at all, there's still his words in my head, telling me if I just tried harder, did more, treated him better, we could be a happy family. I know we can't, but I still can't silence all the doubts he's put there.

Enjoy your break @MoanaMammoth you deserve it.

I hope you're ok @Halfpastfun.

Been too exhausted to keep up. We're back in lockdown and all the extra work dealing with DC 24/7 and home schooling and doing therapy by video call and supporting DC through it, all
falls to me. I don't work, I have a debilitating chronic condition, lots of pain and our DC have a variety of SEN and medical issues. They're all struggling being back in lockdown, all on edge and STBXH is the opposite of helpful there. It would be so much easier if he wasn't here.

I'm scared of facing him, telling him I want to divorce, having to live together while it's all sorted and then the impact on DC. I don't want to break up their family. But the idea of trying again is even worse. I don't know what I feel for him anymore, but I do know I don't want him to ever touch me again and I feel peaceful when he's not here. If he told me he was done and moving out I'd be so relieved. I don't care if I never have another relationship. I want a peaceful home where I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt to be living with the father of my children who is completely unwilling to share the load. Who doesn't care how much pain I'm in or how exhausted I am. Who thinks it's fine to sit and relax every morning and evening while I rush round trying to get everything done. I'm done, I don't want to fake a marriage anymore. I just need to find the courage to tell him that and the energy to deal with the fallout.

Pretty much.
My favourite is that he loves his job and I can't tell him what to spend his money on but I fund our whole household... So whose exactly telling who what to do with their money?
Another is that he lies to me as I would only get cross with him if he told me the truth.... Well yes doing drugs is bad, affairs are bad. Not sure what about cross is unreasonable.
I could go on but it's very depressing. Sounds sensible when I say it but when he's near me it's like a fog and really challenging to see clearly through

It is so hard to see through. He ties me in knots, mentally, and I end up accepting things that are completely unreasonable because he's made it sound like it's reasonable and he's right and it's all my fault. Last time I said I wanted to separate I ended up feeling like that and I promised to try harder and make changes 🤦. This time I'm not planning to give him anything to manipulate, I'm going to tell him I'm done and I'm applying for a divorce and the only thing left to discuss is who has DC when and the financial split.

@MoanaMammoth @LunaAndHerMoonDragons thank you, no if I'm honest I am utterly desperate and feel like I'm going insane with this. As my counsellor has said it's like I've been manipulated into being the baddie through passive aggression and being emotionally neglected then made to feel like I'm the big bad bitch. I know I need to get out but it's tearing me up as on the surface it seems like he is a nice guy, a good father and husband and someone who will do anything for anyone. Now I know that's a red flag in passive aggressives. I guess it's the guilt of wanting to be free of this which means tearing up the family unit. It's grinding me down so much.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons
This time I'm not planning to give him anything to manipulate, I'm going to tell him I'm done and I'm applying for a divorce and the only thing left to discuss is who has DC when and the financial split.
This is so sensible and wish you strength in this. This is so difficult isn't it. I've told H this several times and I get the silent treatment again and again then him acting like I'm crazy for saying this. I 100% agree with you about not wanting to split the family but trying again feels like the worse alternative.

@Pleaseaddcaffine I could've written your post. Passive aggression and gaslighting are the most crazy making things and I also feel like I'm in a parallel universe. The attitude is like "why on earth are you complaining and raging all the time - I'm alright jack".

@MoanaMammoth I'm so glad you've got to your mums. Hope you have a great time and the space away that you need.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend and wishing you all strength.

My youngest DD has been packing all weekend. This afternoon my H finally twigged what was going on. While she was upstairs he said to me "when is she going?". I said in the week and told him our elder DD and the boyfriend were also going, they're all going. He asked where. The girls don't want him to know so I deflected my suggested he went to speak to them. He just shrugged and said "no, I can't be bothered, I don't really care". I told him that was exactly why they were going.

This morning while he was out on a motorbike ride I took the opportunity to box up some of my stuff and hide it away in a small storage unit I have rented. I want to move some furniture too so I don't think it's fair or easy for my DDs to move all my stuff while I'm at work. Yes I'll have to put up with him on my own for a few days but next Saturday he's got a golf competition and will be out for several hours so that will be my chance to get out. I'm so excited (and scared) to be starting a new life. I hope others of you who aren't so far forward will also get the opportunity or find the courage to do likewise very soon.

Can I join?
I feel very much like @Winter2019 upthread. Mid 30s and on paper a dream husband been together 9 years no DC.
We don't really have fun anymore, I don't particularly find him attractive and the thought of this being the rest of my life makes me feel very sad.
I also don't know if I'm searching for something that doesn't exist and if I leave I'll end up regretting in a few years

Morning everyone

@Carandi that's good news your DDs are out. Wow I can't believe you H said that so blatantly that he doesn't care! It's funny once the mask has slipped on these men, they just really don't care do they and don't even hide it.

@Allthehotchocolate welcome to the thread. It's tough to have that realisation that the rest of your life might look less than you planned. I had this a long time ago but only recently started to see the woods for the trees and making a plan to get out. Does your DH know you feel like this? Have you talked about how you could work together so your needs are met more?

Morning @Halfpastfun

I have spoken to him but probably not as in depth as I should. I tend to focus more on the consequences than the cause if that Makes sense? For example, your always know your phone when we are together, you never plan for us to do anything, the one time you did book a meal you spent more time talking to the waiter than me

That kind of thing. I know that doesn't make me a very nice person though.

I have said on numerous occasions I'm not happy, and it's like he isn't interested in me at all. He says he is....

He has been on setraline for 18 months so not sure if that has anything to do with it.

Anyway thank you for letting me share, it feels good to explain how I feel although I feel terribly sad

Things are still bad here and the weekend has been horrible. Yesterday H said to me that we should talk after DC gone to bed. But he stayed in the other room the whole evening and not a word to me at all. I put DC to bed then just got into bed and pretended to sleep - not that he came to find me anyway. This morning, more of the same and throwing the blame around. I literally can't be bothered with this anymore

Hey all, hope everyone is ok this afternoon. Going to mum’s was sooo good. Got myself nice and calm and everything seems calm at home now I’m back.

@carandi, nearly there - well done! Can’t believe he said that about your dd though.

Sorry to hear others still having such a hideous time. I have a initial solicitor appt on Wednesday. Then I think I will pause for a bit. Counselling has stirred everything up and emotions have been running high and I want to give things a chance to settle. We are generally quite calm and bad decisions will be made if we are locking horns.

@Allthehotchocolate welcome! That sounds tough. Really good you don’t have kids though. That will make things far simpler. I made the mistake of marrying and having kids with a good guy who I didn’t really love and everyone is now paying the price.

I'm glad you got the rest you needed at your mums OP

Does she know how you're feeling? Apologies if I missed this in the thread! Was reading through the night and kept dropping off

Sorry that everyone is going through such a horrible time ... we actually told our kids last weekend a basic level of what's going on between us , why we are sleeping in separate rooms and why we are not doing things together at weekends and why we aren't having big extended family get togethers which we would have done previously a lot ... the 8 year old was quiet and just kept nodding , broke my heart the 6 year old didn't really get the gravity I suspect . But I'm.wondering if we have done the right thing about being vague on things ? As in we haven't said the words separate, divorce or any mention of someone as in their dad moving out. Mainly because he told me not to say anything like that because in his eyes he is never moving out ... its so difficult, my 8 year old has come to me a few times to say he's sad but he won't get into it more than that ... its so so difficult, the quilt is horrendous I feel so sad for them that their family unit has been ripped apart and they don't really know why.
It's just trying to deal with this layer by layer its exhausting 😪

@Halfpastfun *if I'm honest I am utterly desperate and feel like I'm going insane with this. As my counsellor has said it's like I've been manipulated into being the baddie through passive aggression and being emotionally neglected then made to feel like I'm the big bad bitch. I know I need to get out but it's tearing me up as on the surface it seems like he is a nice guy, a good father and husband and someone who will do anything for anyone. Now I know that's a red flag in passive aggressives. I guess it's the guilt of wanting to be free of this which means tearing up the family unit. It's grinding me down so much." All this so true.

I'm a mess. I'm tired of having to constantly fight my corner, constantly justifying myself even to myself, constantly trying to talk to STBXH in a way that won't annoy him and make him do something petty back. I'm completely exhausted, depleted, lockdown, DC home schooling, dealing with their SEN, STBXH is doing none of the extra load. He's actually getting more down time then he'd get normally for work, going on a walk at least once a day completely alone and playing computer games, door closed, headphones on, when he finishes work till dinner time.

@MoanaMammoth sorry didn't think about furniture I was just imagining a few extra boxes that would allow you to be in your safe, peaceful place sooner. I hope the weekend move goes well and he's too busy to be really nasty.

Hey everyone. Going insane here.
Dp or stbx offered to step back from his slef employment as that where he 'cheated' to help fix us. I said yes. He's now moaning and complaining about how awful it is, how it's such a big deal, how he's not allowed a life or friends. I said fine don't do it and he said I have to don't I as I have to do what you want or we can't work as I'm the bad guy.
Honestly I'm really annoyed, don't offer if you won't do somthing.
Just made me so sad and it's riddiculous but I can't live on a knife edge. He dropped kids back early as he was too tierd and busy. He's had them for 2 hours in 10 days :(

Ok if I join? I'm leaving, just got a load of boxes today to start packing. I resonate with what so many of you have said and are going through. We're 10 years together, 7 years married, DD 15 months. I'm nearly 47, he's 39. He's verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time, highly critical and resentful towards me, and smokes weed pretty much every day which gives him mood swings etc. (Hasn't grown up.) The worst bits of abuse happened when I was pregnant (ended up getting counselling with Women's Aid), and when the baby was 1 and then 2 weeks old. He really crossed the line then. Not physically, but emotional abuse. It's taken me to now to totally get my head round it all. Been thinking of moving out since last Nov. He swore to my face in Nov that he didn't smoke weed in the house anymore, but at 1am or so I popped into the kitchen and could see him smoking a joint out the living room window. I realised he wasn't going to change.
The constant criticism got so bad.. some days he just tutts and sighs all day long at me which I HATE.... also can scream and swear at me for v little or no reason, and in front of DD.
Other days he's normal enough but of course now that I understand it's all a cycle, the "good" days are no use. I have nothing to say to him,because he's shut me down so many times.
My MIL being v supportive as she escaped from a worse situation with DH's dad... he beat her and had numerous affairs. Sadly the swearing, disrespect and misogyny has rubbed off on DH even though not as bad as the dad in all areas. I was verbally abused as a kid and my parents abused each other in different ways. I do NOT want it for my DD, so moving out to my DS for several months while deciding what happens then. Good luck everyone. Hugs to you all!

Hi all, haven't had a chance to check in for a few days. Welcome to all the new people. It's awful so many of us are having a horrible time, although in a way it helps to know I'm not the only one. H been in bed since about 6.45 and he was drunk . He's been doing a lot of drinking that he thinks I don't know about and denies it but it's blatantly obvious. I get blamed for this as says he is getting nothing from me in this relationship. My dc is too young to realise what he's doing but that isn't the point. Thinks it's normal for daddy to sleep lots.

I realise I am not the wife he wants but this won't help. We are having work done in house shortly that absolutely has to be done, either to live in, or if we have to sell, so I am just trying to get to that point and then see how things are. Feeling quite trapped financially as he is the main earner and I know he'd make things difficult. He's pretty much said so. I also think he'd try to make out I'm an unfit mother, or at the very least unstable.

Almost scared to post this and trying not to put too much detail in case he finds this thread, but no one in rl knows quite how bad it sometimes is so it does help.

I bought something today that I knew my Autistic DS would love. When I was looking at it later, I started thinking about all the pointless running around and spending Ive been doing lately, all affordable, no issues just not things we need. And I looked at it and I thought, 'I can't fix this. I want so much to fix this for them and I can't'.