Leaving dh - anyone want to join for support?

[MoanaMammoth]

Having couples counselling which has been really good however it has made me realise this can never work. Dh is a good man but we are on completely different pages about how we live and what we want from life and marriage and are making each other miserable. We have 2 children age 2 and 5. I feel sick at the thought of putting us all through this but I think it’s the only way forward. We have an individual session each with the counsellor in a couple of weeks so not going to do anything before this as I want to use this to help work through all my fears and mentally prepare. Would anyone who is in a similar boat like to join for support? Maybe you are thinking of leaving or have recently left? x

My STBXH is apparently moving out of my house on the 13th September. I know it’s definitely the right thing but why does your brain start trying to play tricks on you? I woke up this morning thinking about all the nice things we’ve done together and recalling nice memories etc. Then I started panicking over whether this is the right thing to do. I know it’s the right thing to end the relationship but I’m not sure why I’ve started viewing the relationship through rose tinted spectacles when that’s not how things actually were. I’ll be glad when he’s actually moved out.

Evening all, hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. Welcome @SukiPook Sorry you’re going through this with such a young baby.
@Allthehotchocolate yes my mum does now know everything. It’s tricky as she grew up in a very abusive home so thinks dh is wonderful and doesn’t really understand but is being very supportive regardless.
@Hopeful22 well done telling the kids, that must have been so hard. So tricky to know how much to tell them for sure.

Had initial consultation with a solicitor today and honestly I am so disappointed. I paid £250 to receive proper legal advice and spent hours filling out all the information and ID stuff they required. Solicitor called and hadn’t even read any of it! Told me to hang on for 2 mins while she skim read it then called back with super generic advice and I had to draw every sentence out of her. It was awful. They looked like a good firm in our town too. Think I will email in the morning to say how poor it was and how unhelpful. That is a huge amount of money for me and trying to make an excuse to be out of the house child free for an hour was really tricky. Also hate lying to dh as have never done that, even if things are bad. Feel pretty deflated now.

Sorry I haven’t mentioned everyone but well done and keep going. One foot in front of the other and all that!

@MoanaMammoth that solicitor sounds crap, and £250 is a lot. I hope that you find a better one. Maybe a smaller firm would care more... I don't know! Sorry it was such a disappointment.
@everyone Sorry to hear all the manipulation and gaslighting that's going on. It really sucks. Keep strong! We will come out the other side.
I've been getting the silent treatment today, stony silence. But this evening he's thawed a little but it hinting that he's super depressed about it. Last night I asked "Do you want to talk about this?" And got a "No." Fine by me. I'm not sorry for him feeling depressed either. It's a natural consequence when having to face up to the fact that I've had enough of him being abusive and I'm not taking it anymore.
I emailed re our rental agents to give them one month notice of me moving out but him staying. Hope they don't make a fuss about it or cause any problems. Fingers crossed. So glad that we hadn't got it together to buy a house yet.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones change is scary, and if like many of us you're used to being told it's all your fault then there's probably a bit of you still caught in that trap thinking if you could only tell him the right way, or act the right way, or make the changes he wants you can still save things. But that's not a possibility

I contacted the firm to say what had happened and they are going to give me another consultation with their head divorce solicitor. Hopefully it will be better, I know most people find these meetings really useful so I think I got unlucky.

Dh is actually being amazing and is working really hard at all the things discussed in counselling. I know this is common when men think things are heading for the end but going to give him the benefit of the doubt while getting ducks in a row so to speak. I had wanted to hang on until youngest gets free nursery hours in a year which would hugely ease financial pressures, not sure that I can hold out that long though.

Hope everyone is ok, have as good a weekend as possible xx

Haven't been here for a few days as I've been busy helping my DDs move out. Sorry to hear the sh*te everyone else is still putting up with.

@MoanaMammoth that's very disappointing about your solicitor appointment, especially when you'd had to make the effort to get out for an hour without the kids.

My girls are settling well into the new house. They're very excited to be able to do things without getting moaned at all the time. My plan is still to leave tomorrow. I've been very careful, sneaking a few bits and pieces out here and there, but not enough that he notices what I'm up to. He's supposed to be playing in a golf competition all morning tomorrow and I thought that would be perfect to have him out of the way while I get out. However today he's feeling unwell (he has fairly poor health generally) and I'm hoping he rallies and still goes out tomorrow as having him here when the two guys turn up with the van to move my stuff is going to be awful. Feeling a bit sick in the stomach today with worry about how tomorrow will go. I'll update you guys after the weekend x

Sounds like a very healthy attitude to have @SukiPook . "I'm not sorry for him feeling depressed either. It's a natural consequence when having to face up to the fact that I've had enough of him being abusive and I'm not taking it anymore.". I feel way to guilty about what I'll be putting stbxh through, even though the reason we're here are largely to do with the horrible way he's treated me.

FX he's feeling good enough to golf tomorrow @Carandi.

Here for a moan... Counselling cancelled till end Sept and couseller is unwell. Made me nearly cry as I need some guidance through all this. Dp thinks we're doing well, because he's doing nothing! . We're living apart and he's has our dc for 3 hours in the last 10 days. He on a work trip /holiday drinking beer and I'm juggling evrything and failing. I want to weep I'm that exhusted tbh.
He offered to stop his self employment, which is a big cause of all of the issues and led to drugs/affair as he can't cope with stress. He's backed out on that after moaning about how hard it will be and how sad it will be. I honestly cba with trying but I'm feeling particularly huffy today as ds got up 5 times during the night and I started work at 6 while managing him as well.

How are you going @Pleaseaddcaffine? It sounds like he's given lip service to the idea of making changes to fix things. He's not stepping up with DC, not taking responsibility for his behaviour and giving lip service to the idea of making meaningful change. He's fallen at the first hurdle. My STBXH is very practiced in promising change, which never lasts more then a few days. Just long enough to suck me back in.

I was reading a thread today, where the DH was ignoring his DC to punish OP. I realised stbxh does that, he regularly leaves for work without a word if he's in a mood. If I piss him off with some small ultra polite request or comment he'll use any excuse to walk away from 'helping' with DC.

Recently there was two days where he finished work early and sat in the home Office for 2 hours playing computer games while I struggled to homeschool 3DC with SEN. Not that he'd usually step up much, but playing computer games all afternoon is not his usual MO. I can't even remember what he was angry about, but I do remember I said something he didn't like. He's previously had to rush off to do some other job during bath and bed time, leaving me alone getting 3 DC ready for bed, all because I've annoyed him in some minor way. Reading the thread was like a light switched. If the DC misbehave in public, they're my DC and I should get them under control. Even when he's beside the DC in question it's still my responsibility and I have to come over and sort it. When we went on holidays and I didn't do what he decided was enough because I was too sick, long term chronic illness, he made sure I paid for it when we got home. He made it very clear it was unacceptable that my health got in the way of him getting the break he deserved. I made myself sicker going on holidays and it still wasn't enough. It will never be enough, what I can do, what DC can do, none of it will ever be good enough for him.

I'm a massive grump.... The work trip for hobby related job is irritating. But he's now taking a load of the stock out for his collection but it's okay as hell break even. I'm flabbergasted tbh as that isn't work, if you don't make any profit what's the point. Well I guess the point is evryone else. Funds your lifestyle!
I did a thing I rarely do and booked myself a treat, comic I like last ticket available to a sold out show unlike me to go alone but being brave. Told him about his, his response what about me? Why can't I go? Can I have the ticket?.... I got huffy and he said he was joking. He wasn't.

Yiru dp sounds passive aggressive like mine, it's frustrating! Feel for you as the gaming and not engaging is hard to prove and sounds petty but it isn't

Hs take on that, if it bothers me it's petty, if it bothers him it must change right now and I'm completely unreasonable it it doesn't. It's part of the background noise of our relationship. Actually at a point where I'd rather he was holed up gaming, it's more the whole DC are fighting and I'm juggling dinner and bed routine on my own because he's pissed off and punishing me. He's their parent too. They need and deserve better from him.

Can I join you? I've just started a thread today about my situation

Hi @mrsnec I've been following your thread. It's really hard you can't just leave in that situation.

How’s everyone doing today? Just catching up as hada super busy week. @Carandi have you moved? Hope it went as well as it could and you are happily getting settled in your new home.
@Pleaseaddcaffine hobby job here too and I’m sick of it, I never wanted much but it sucks barely being able to cover basics so he can have a fun job. Feel so mean saying it but I have to work full time in a ‘meh’ job to effectively subsidise it. The guilt is awful as years ago (before we had kids) it was my suggestion he do it as he was so miserable in his job but I always assumed he would be able to make it pay and if not at least get a p/t job to top it up. He basically thinks it’s too embarrassing to get a job as it will look like he’s failed. He just asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I found these shoes that were £40 and he said they were too expensive. I tried to act cool about it but I feel really disappointed which makes me feel like a brat.
@LunaAndHerMoonDragons - argh, that is so tough, I don’t know how you cope. You sound almost like a single parent with an extra, frumpy teenager to manage. This is one of the things I find hard about trying to leave is that dh doesn’t do loads of the awful things I read about on these threads so I feel like it must be me somehow. That basically because he pulls his weight at home (well domestically anyway) and is only low level grumpy that I should just count myself lucky somehow.
@mrsnec definitely, do you have a link to your thread?
Hope everyone else is doing ok xx

I hear you. Do you know what I resent more tbh is the it's alright for you bit... Well you get paid holidays or you have savings. YES I DO GET A BLOODY JOB THAT PAYS AT LEAST MIN WAGE OR STOP GRIPING.
He's like a teenager tbh gets money in and spends evrything then worries why has no money. He spent 80 quid, I kid you not on two dvd boxsets - that more maintenance than he pays a month for his son. Then harps on that he has no money in a week or so.i aksee him to get a suplimentry part time job like bar work or somthing and answer was no as its beneath him essentially.
I get what your saying too about sounding grabby or grumpy too, just for the bare minimum. 40 quid isn't much and he should have budgeted for it for you op!
Im looking at doing overtime at work to help pay for Christmas because that what you do.
Im not sure asking someone to earn more than 800 a month for working evry single day is a big ask tbh. But apparently it is controlling to say that!

I'm moving tomorrow, in with my sister, with my 1-year-old. H has been through various moods since I announced it to him last week and at the moment he is saying he respects my decision and I've opened his eyes. (I know he only sees things partly though, he has admitted that the verbal/emotional abuse was wrong but he still thinks smoking weed every day is fine.) I know he'll go through a lot more ups and downs once I leave but that's not my problem...
For me, I'm excited to be leaving this situation. I hate packing and hate moving but I don't have to take too much stuff. Will only be staying for up to 6 months max at my sister's. Getting slightly apprehensive as she has been going on to me every day about how she is like Monica from Friends now and can't bear ANY mess or things out of place, so I'll have to be on my toes to clear up after the toddler very promptly. I will do though, cause I know it will affect my sister's mental health if I don't. She also has that thing where she can't stand it if you tap or swing your foot, or if she can hear you chewing your food... so I'm going to have to be very careful not to accidentally annoy her! But , we will be civil and kind to one another, and that's what has been lacking in my own house.

Sorry I've totally lost track of everyone, it's been such hell over last few weeks. The atmosphere is toxic , he's passive aggressive and singing around the house. It's actual torture not being able to tell my kids what an asshole their father is ...I won't. I'll let them figure it out which they will eventually.
But I've just discovered that my stbxh has been through my diary, an old one, but ripped out a page of an account of a viscous fight we had last year.
What in the name of God will I do ? Confront him.- to which he will call me crazy, imagining things , gaslight me as usual. Or so nothing and not rise to the bait ?? Omg I'm.sickened by him

Hi everyone thanks for letting me join. Hope you are all bearing up.

I've been trying really hard to keep it together for the DC. DH is yet again on a drunken Zoom call with his mates in the UK. I took the kids out for ice cream and then gave them some pocket money to spend in the village shop. DD had a tantrum because the cafe didn't have her favourite flavour and DS had a tantrum because he couldn't decide what to buy and I wouldn't give him any more money. I really struggled to hold it together!

Do you mind if I ask you all a question? If anyone is in an abusive relationship and feels like they've been manipulated and alienated from friends and family do you now feel like you want to build bridges? Would you reach out to them or wait until they contact you?

Skim read everyone else's stories. Sorry to hear what you're all going through. I really wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hi all - sorry I haven't been on for several days. The move went well. stbxh didn't go golf but he got up early, had breakfast and went back to bed. By the time he got up again I was well underway with packing and dismantling bedroom furniture (we had separate rooms). One of my DDs had come by to help and he saw her standing in my bedroom doorway and thought she was back to cadge something and asked her what she was there to pinch. I butted in and said she wasn't, she was there to help me. He glanced in my room, saw everything packed up or in pieces and just went "oh!" and disappeared downstairs. He stayed out of the way, coming in to the kitchen at one point to question what I was taking. Other than that he stayed quiet and absent. I was shocked actually as I'd expected him to go mental and he didn't at all. Just let me go.

I've been in the new place almost two weeks now and it's great. We're still getting straight with boxes everywhere, and we need to furnish downstairs, but otherwise all is good. I emailed stbxh a few days after the move to explain why I'd left and to cover a few practicalities. Thought he'd reply with a "fuck off" but he emailed back with a long list of excuses for his behaviour (they were indeed excuses because his behaviour preceeded some of the life events that he was blaming), but he did admit that he probably needed professional help. Whether he actually does anything about that we'll wait and see. I had said in my email that I hoped in time we could have an amicable relationship as life is too short to be bitter. He replied that he would like to talk at some point. My plan is to pop back this weekend with one of my daughters so I'm not alone. My girls are glad to be away from him but do want to forge some kind of relationship in time.

As another PP said up thread, your brain does play tricks on you. I've been feeling incredible guilt about my actions and worrying about leaving him on his own. I have to remind myself how awful he was to me and how he's brought this on himself with many years of horrid behaviour. I'm hoping it gets easier over time.

Stay strong ladies x

@Carandi I'm glad to hear the move went ok.

As another PP said up thread, your brain does play tricks on you. I've been feeling incredible guilt about my actions and worrying about leaving him on his own. I have to remind myself how awful he was to me and how he's brought this on himself with many years of horrid behaviour. I'm hoping it gets easier over time.
I feel this guilt everytime I think about leaving. Along with a knot of anxiety in my stomach about how he'll take it, if he'll get scary angry again, or try and gaslight me into backing down because actually it's all my fault and if I'd only try we'd be one happy family. I simultaneously feel guilty that I'll be taking his children away and guilty that DC will have to deal with him without me there when he has them. I feel responsible for all of it, my actions, his anger, how he'll treat DC, how DC don't feel safe around him. My heads so messed up.

We're in lockdown, WFH and homeschooling here, unlikely to end much before Christmas. There's not much I can do while he's here 24/7. It's hard having him here all the time and our SEN DC are really struggling with home schooling and mental health. Completely overwhelmed.

You're not a brat to feel disappointed @MoanaMammoth, either about the birthday or wanting him to pull his weight and help support the family financially. It's all about what he wants and how he feels with no care for the effect on you. That's not something little in a relationship, you should be able to rely on him to have your back and share the load.

I wish I could answer @mrsnec. I'm at the point where I cant even reach out to people that have said to call them anytime I need. From the other side of things if it was someone who used to be my friend/family I'd hope that they would reach out if they needed me.

I'd think no good would come of confronting him @Hopeful22. I know my stbxh would turn it around and make it about how horrible I was to have written that about him and would not only dodge any responsibility for his actions but also make me feel guilty, hence no point.

Carandi.. That's a great update and glad your safe.

My update sucks as I have no idea what I'm doing tbh anymore. Which isn't ideal. Hopefully we have more counselling next week for first time in 5 weeks due to sickness, I hope it helps. I'm very conflicted.
I just need a week off and some sleep, joys of toddler living

Hi there everyone. I think it's tough getting the legals involved and finding a decent one. I thought you'd get what you pay for but it's not always the case. I've paid a £75 engagement fee and had no communication from my solicitor at all since and that was 2 days ago. Not even an aknowledgement. And she's had all the paperwork she needs.

Those who have managed to move out. I hope you are feeling safe and settled. I wish I was at that stage and that I had the strength some of you seem to have.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons, it's a really tricky issue. It's my siblings and my step siblings my DM is talking about. I think she feels she's burdened with all this and needs someone to take the pressure off. I was estranged from all of them. Tried to reconnect via family WhatsApp during lockdown and it didn't work out. Apparently, they're all very concerned about me. None of them have got in touch and I didn't reach out to any of them becauseI honestly don't think I could take any more rejection.

Look after yourselves everyone.

Hi everyone, hope it’s ok for me to join you. I’ve read through the thread with my heart in my mouth (especially @Carandi, I’m so glad he sat back and let you leave safely). I’ve just found evidence - again - of the cheats and lies. And I’m just so angry - I promised myself if it ever happened again I’d leave but I don’t want to. I want our nice house and nice life, I want to send my kids to the really good school next door. I want to be with him - just a different version of him, for him to be the good guy 100% of the time, not only some of it. But I cannot live like this forever. In my heart I know that even if we go to counselling, even if he promises to change, we’ll be right back here in a year or five or ten. I imagine staying and I don’t recognise the woman I see, but I imagine going and the strength it’s going to take takes my breath away.