Leaving dh - anyone want to join for support?

[MoanaMammoth]

Having couples counselling which has been really good however it has made me realise this can never work. Dh is a good man but we are on completely different pages about how we live and what we want from life and marriage and are making each other miserable. We have 2 children age 2 and 5. I feel sick at the thought of putting us all through this but I think it’s the only way forward. We have an individual session each with the counsellor in a couple of weeks so not going to do anything before this as I want to use this to help work through all my fears and mentally prepare. Would anyone who is in a similar boat like to join for support? Maybe you are thinking of leaving or have recently left? x

@goodnightgrandma what lovely words to hear! I totally agree for not staying for kids but...I just don't know..we are a good team and compared to other husbands I read about on here mine is a saint..I just don't fancy him,and haven't for a long time. I'm mid thirties,don't want to live my life like this but also scared to regret it if my life doesn't work out without him

@marypoppinsreturns I have spent my entire married life living like this. Taking the good times and putting up with the bad times. Being a version of happy when things are good but always in the back of my head wondering what later or tomorrow will be like. Most people don't live like this in marriages. Most people wouldn't put up with it. Most people don't have to.

There could be a normal life out there waiting for us , perhaps with a new partner. Perhaps not. Even if we end up alone, at least we are not normalising and minimising this unhappy life we are experiencing. There has to be a joy and freedom that comes with that. Maybe not initially but somewhere down the road we will be thankful for the choices we made.

@Hopeful22 thank you, you talk a lot of sense. Hopefully I will figure what is best to do soon. I am back wfh today after some annual leave and so far things have been quiet today. When things are like this I think it's fine but then I also imagine what things would it would be like not having to also manage his moods and behaviours and issues. That then makes me feel bad for contemplating leaving when I know he is having a hard time for other reasons. But there is only so much I can take, and I can't be responsible for everything, all of the time, he's a grown man.

Please don’t stay. I realised as an adult what my DM had put up with all those years. She stayed for the kids. She’s now a bitter shell of a woman. I’m so sad for her. Don’t let that be you. You all deserve so much better.

What makes me feel bad about planning to leave is that our DC will have to deal with his moods on their own. Doesn't help our DC all have SEN. I also feel bad about taking his DC away, which is pretty ridiculous when I think about why I need to leave and it's all because of the way he's behaved to me and our DC.

I don't ever want to meet someone else. We've been together a long time, since late teens and I'm 40 now. We were so close, so in love for a long time and he still couldn't cope with my chronic health issues. That plus I can't see any relationship working with my DC high needs and probably long term being a carer for one of them. I want a peaceful home where I don't feel tense and on edge.

It doesn't sound odd at all @WeeYellaDug. Would you be looking at renting or buying a flat? If you're buying you should be able to find somewhere that allows pets in the strata agreement. It's harder finding somewhere to rent with a dog, but not impossible. I think it's about 2.5 years of not sleesleeping together here. If mine threatened to divorce me at this point I'd be saying yes and how soon.

@WeeYellaDug Why will he crucify you financially?

All assets are shared. Get yourself a SHL (shit hot lawyer)

What's the situation with assets such as equity and savings etc?
Who's name is the savings in?

Your all great and really brave. I've thrown partner out 3 months ago for drugs and a suspected affair, one advantage of social media is it hard to hide!
Were doing relate now and he's desperate to try. And I'm chugging along with it, really still not sure what to do long term.
Counseler implied he gaslights and is controlling. He doesn't think so at all, so it's confusing.

Morning all, hope everyone doing ok!. Back from camping which was intense emotionally but lovely to be out with the kids. Haven’t had a chance to read all the messages yet but will when I get a sec. xx

@MoanaMammoth how did you get on ?? Have been thinking of you , cooped up in a tent ?! With everything going on !! Let us know when you can x

Morning ladies, not been on for few days so hope you're all ok. Things calm here for now though he's doing his usual of falling asleep early every night. Once my ds is in bed I'm alone all evening, every evening. Tbh I think I prefer it that way and then put off having to go to bed. Though it makes it difficult to make any plans for evenings. Think I'd be fine alone (financially does worry me as think he'd be very difficult ) but not sure much else would seem different except no fighting!

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I haven't been on the thread. I've been spending some days off with DC. Things aren't any better here, still pretty much being ignored by H (no long DH), save for logistical things. We've tried to talk a few times but he is just defensive and passive aggressive and to be honest, I just CBA. I've made clear that at the least we should be civil for DC. I'm having therapy twice a week now, its helping a lot. I know I have a choice of leaving but what my therapist advised that I can take my time, build up my strength and focus on self care. I'm not quite ready to up and leave in a drama, and nor should I have to. So where I'm at now is just 'getting my ducks in a row', doing as much fun stuff with DC and taking out time for myself and revisiting some hobbies, seeing friends and family. He can just stay out of my way and in the short term it means I focus on me and DC's wellbeing. Cut him out of the equation.

I hope everyone is doing OK. Weekends are awful aren't they as just highlight everything that's lacking in the marriage.

@marypoppinsreturns I'm in a similar situation. For a few months now, once DC in bed, it's just me alone in a separate room to H. He doesn't come looking for me, and again I can't be arsed to try with him. It's so sad but the last few weeks, I've just settled in thinking this is time for me to relax, read, look up stuff I'd like to do and keep in touch with friends. Like you say it seems like physically leaving the marriage would be no different! I'm balancing the practical benefit of another adult in the house versus not though. Sounds awful doesn't it?!

@MoanaMammoth glad to hear you managed to have a nice time with your DC. Hope it wasn't too much emotionally, it helps when DC are having fun and happy.

@WeeYellaDug it sounds like it's time to set yourself free. Tbh if your kids are all grown up, I suspect they will be quietly relieved for you. I really hope you can find somewhere to rent with your dog. As PP says it's not impossible. If your finances allow, offer a bigger deposit etc to make it a better offer and be upfront about having a dog.

@Pleaseaddcaffine that sounds tough. He's unlikely to admit to gaslighting and controlling. It's ok not knowing what you want in the long term, each day you can build up a better picture of who he is, what he can/can't change and what you want.

Ok so he’s finally gone out. We have spent waaay too much time together this week! He’s been swinging between kind and loving to heartbroken and begging me not to leave. It’s so exhausting, when he’s like this I just can’t imagine ever wanting to leave but I know it will swing back the other way and I’ll be treading on eggshells again.

@Pleaseaddcaffine well done for throwing him out, that must have been very difficult.

Would be really interested to know what people’s plans are for leaving if you are this far ahead. I am so scared of the process, it just seems mind bendingly challenging. @Halfpastfun that sounds like a v good plan focusing on your well-being so you can build yourself up to facing things when you are ready.
@marypoppinsreturns I hope you are having a lovely husband free evening, definitely sounds like that is preferable at the moment!

Hi I'd like to join too please. I've been married 31 years and been unhappy for most of it. Husband is selfish, moody, a bit of a narc, financially abusive... We've lived virtually separate lives in separate rooms for years, so no relationship to save. I've wanted to leave for years but never had the means to. Last autumn I took redundancy from my long term job though and got a good package so I'm using that as my 'escape fund'. I'm now in a new job, albeit much less money, and in the process of looking for a rental property. Not easy when you have pets and there's so many people chasing each one. Anyway, it will be me and my two DDs (20 and 22) and one of their boyfriends moving and we'll be sharing the cost. We're currently going through the reference checking process on a property and keeping everything crossed.

I'm terrified of actually moving out though. We had a huge row a few weeks ago and I told him then I was done and wanted to divorce and sell the house. He was adamant he wasn't going anywhere and I couldn't force him. A few days later he just acted as though I'd had a bit of a tantrum and is now behaving as though nothing occurred. I don't have the extra funds for a long drawn out court battle so my plan is to leave myself and tackle the house/a divorce later. He's going to go absolutely batshit. Although he's verbally told each of our DDs in the past several weeks "the sooner you fuck off out of it the better" (yeah, nice eh?) he'll be mad when we go. He'll be losing his maid/cleaner/shopper and have to do things himself. I'm sure some of our family and friends will paint me as the bad person as he's had some bad health problems over the past couple of years, but that's not a reason to stay in a non-existent toxic marriage.

I'm not sure how to play it. If I tell him anything now and the house falls through, he'll make our lives hell for ages. I'm tempted to leave it until immediately before and tell him as we start packing. He's going to be so so angry. To make matters worse I have no time off owing, so will have to try and move out over a weekend. I'm so stressed I'm not sleeping well and starting to have palpitations and panic attacks.

Sorry, that turned in to a bit of an essay, but it's so good to get it off my chest. I'm sorry so many others of you are in a similar situation.

Wow @Carandi that's awful, I can't believe he said that to your children!! make sure you stay safe as he sounds a bit unhinged and sounds like a good plan to wait until you have your accommodation sorted, he'll go mad either way right - better you at least have somewhere to go. Try and think how amazing it will feel when the 4 of you are in your new place without his presence hanging over you.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I filled out all the stuff for the solicitor initial legal advice session today. It was very comprehensive so hopefully The hour will be useful. I do wish this dread feeling would get off my chest though. It's exhausting being this on edge all the time.

Hi all,

Sorry to read you guys have been having a hard time.

I have been in a long term relationship of about 7 years, and now have 7 mo DD. I think I have just outgrown my partner and since the birth of my DD have just become resentful as my partner is not pulling his weight at all & is basically enjoying his pre-baby life.

It's all a bit of a shambles at the moment tbh but like PP I just haven't had the courage to leave. I think it's simply for the fact that it seems like such a final decision and one that I cannot turn back.

We have had many conversation about what I see as a lack of input/support but it's honestly like speaking to a brick wall.

At the moment I don't feel as if I'm in a position to leave - currently still living at home with family, on maternity leave & DD about to start nursery.

I am looking for somewhere to live for myself & DD only but concerned about how I will manage finances alone.

Your all so ace. Honestly.
Bit of good news here.. Exdp cheated on me and I threw him out weekend beofre my exmas.... Just got the rwuslts and still got a distinction.
Proof we all can do it even if it totally sucks and you have a toddler in tow the whole entire time!

Wow @Pleaseaddcaffine that’s amazing, congratulations!!

@Tee20x sorry to hear your partner is t pulling his weight. I found the first year brutal and it must be awful not having that support, hope you’re ok. Were things difficult before baby came along or has he just become like this since?

@Pleaseaddcaffine congratulations on your result!

@MoanaMammoth thanks! Luckily for me I have quite an easygoing baby & a lovely network of friends who are aware of my situation at the moment so it hasn't been too rough for me.

Before the baby, we were both quite carefree, would go out often and see each other many times a week & overall had quite a positive relationship. Out of the both of us, I feel as though I'm always the one considering the future & looking at long term goals, while he is very short sighted and for the here and now. Now with the baby, this has been highlighted even more just one example is that I've been looking at places for us to live as we are both still living with parents - while he spends money on going out with friends, chopping and changing jobs because he doesn't like it (after 2 months). I just feel like the decisions he makes are for himself without really considering me or DD and how it affects things long term.

On top of this DD lives with me full time, and basically all parenting is down to me - he is yet to have her for even a few hours on his own because he is either working or "busy" yet gets annoyed when I call him out on it.

I guess I'm just resentful because for him he likes the shine of having the title of being a father but literally doesn't do anything apart from send me money when I ask for it to cover expenses related to DD.

@Pleaseaddcaffine congratulations on your results, FTC achieve

@Tee20x, think very carefully if you want to set up home with your man. Be sure he's going to step up first because as you can see from some of us, it's hard to separate afterward.

My H was useless when my first DD was born. He left all the parenting to me. When I got pregnant the second time he asked me to get an abortion as "he didn't think he could love another child as much as our first". I should have left then.

*fantastic achievement