Family said I’m not welcome there for as long I am witn this man?

[Danijoanne]

I'm in a relationship with a Turkish man for the last 11 months and I saw another side to him last month. To make a long story short his ex who's married now from Turkey contacted him and he basically told me to accept it or walk away. I couldn't accept it but I also couldn't walk away. He had been perfect and amazing up until then. He treated me great I felt so lucky.
He wanted to marry her 10 years ago in Turkey but her family got Involved and didn't accept it so it didn't happen. He's 39 and I turned 30 on Sunday.

Well we argued like crazy for a whole month. Things got heated and I stressed him so much because of her he was real nasty to me. In the car he went crazy and started smashing everything up, he ripped off the mirror and ripped off the sun viser, he banged the windows and I was scared he would turn his anger on me I got out the car and he just left me in the rain.

2 days later he grabbed my leg and squeezed so hard I had a bruise that turned purple and is still there faded to this day. He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me. That's all he's done to me and I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

Not long after this incident I decided to walk away and I did and he came running a few days later telling me he's blocked her and won't talk to her again and he wants to be how we were before. He said that's not him what he did to me he was just too stressed and I was fighting with him all month he blew. I believe him and for the last 2 weeks we've been good.

However, last week I'm late for my period and tested - positive. Although doctors think I'm either having an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage as they can't find a baby in the sac. I got more tests and a scan Tuesday. I haven't told nobody that I'm pregnant though.

I have an auntie (my mums sister) and my uncle her husband who are like my parents. They are amazing.

They've been there through mt really dark times 2 years ago and have been there for me ever since.
My dad who was amazing died when I was 17 and my mum I don't have a relationship with her she is just evil. So to have them I knew I could run to them when a problem occurred and they'd support me.

Well, i went to visit them yesterday and my auntie said she'd like to talk to me. She didn't say it horrible but she said for her and my uncles well being I'm not welcome at their home anymore for as long as I am with him. Because I told them everything he had done to me and she said they are being effected seeing me hurt and they can't deal with it. She said if they don't see me they won't know. What they don't know doesn't hurt. She said she can't accept me with him and they worry over me so much. My uncle more than her as he's more emotional. She said they will always be there for me but only when and if I decide to get rid of him for good. And she said if I do and text her saying it's over with him she said don't expect a reply straight, she'll need time to find out if I am serious because I always say it's over and end up back a few days later. They said their door is closed for me now whilst I'm with him and I completely understand why they are doing this. They both hugged me when I left and told me to please think and do the right thing.
They've tried helping me and advising me but I just listen to myself and want what I want.

I know the right thing is to walk away since seeing that side to him last month. But on the other hand I have hope he will change and things will be amazing again. I want him and have strong feelings for him to walk away to please my family would hurt me but then choosing to stay with him means losing my family and I don't have nobody.

One part of me is saying choose him because that's what you want and to hell with everyone else if they can't accept that because I won't be happy leaving him at the moment. But another part is saying choose your family they care so much about me and will always be there for me.

I was at his last night upset but I can't tell him what's going on because it's about picking and choosing him or them. My family didn't say to make a decision they just said when and if I decide to get rid of him then I'd be more than welcome back there. They haven't said make a choice but just think about it and what's for the best.

Any advice? Please take into consideration that I am like starting to love this man, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always see the best in people and give chances to change in hope they do. What if I walk away now and he really did change? All sorts of things going through my head! :(

That's all he's done to me

This is so sad. That you consider a couple of episodes of violence to be ok. You are minimising it! You know how much violence is acceptable? None. Absolutely none.

You need to set your bar higher, work on your self esteem and realise that being in a violent relationship is not better than being single.

Your problem is linking your self-worth to the man you are with. When you are single you feel worthless, when you are with a man " on top of the world". This is wrong, never base your happiness on another person.
You need to be single a good while and find happiness from within, find your own self-worth, it's not something a man should be giving you, because, as you've found, that is a fragile state to be in because if it hinges on someone else they can easily take it away again. That is why you continually put up with too much, that is why you are so up and down.
If you don't sort yourself out, you will end up repeating this in relationships ahead. It's actually you who needs to change as much as him.
Get out of this and keep up with the counseling. Accept the love back from your family, it's the best kind of honest love you have in your life at the moment, so don't throw that away.

@Opentooffers

Your problem is linking your self-worth to the man you are with. When you are single you feel worthless, when you are with a man " on top of the world". This is wrong, never base your happiness on another person. You need to be single a good while and find happiness from within, find your own self-worth, it's not something a man should be giving you, because, as you've found, that is a fragile state to be in because if it hinges on someone else they can easily take it away again. That is why you continually put up with too much, that is why you are so up and down. If you don't sort yourself out, you will end up repeating this in relationships ahead. It's actually you who needs to change as much as him. Get out of this and keep up with the counseling. Accept the love back from your family, it's the best kind of honest love you have in your life at the moment, so don't throw that away.

^This.

Truly I don't know how you are not terrified of him, I would be
So much great advice has been given to you, I hope with all my heart that you are listening
Please, please end this dreadful situation now

He won’t change. He’s been violent enough to you that if the police were informed he’d be arrested and possibly sent to prison. This man may well end up killing you. You need to look up the Freedom Programme.

OP, do you know what is the single biggest predictor that a man will murder a woman? It's him grabbing her by the neck.

This man has shown the SINGLE BIGGEST INDICATOR THAT HE WILL MURDER YOU.

You need to stop thinking about trying to avoid sad feelings after breaking up and immediately get away from him TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Ring your aunt now. Tell her you want out and need support. Ring Women's Aid. Ring your local police and ask to speak with their domestic violence specialist.

YOU ARE AT RISK OF BEING MURDERED BY THIS MAN. FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE AND GET OUT NOW. Thank the stars you have supportive family to help you. Keep up with the counselling. You can do this.

Report him to the police, do the freedom programme and google love bombing. He has shown you who he is. Listen.

Dv and abuse tends to ramp up during pregnancy and with young children. Please do not get yourself into that situation.

@Meadowlands1

Report him to the police, do the freedom programme and google love bombing. He has shown you who he is. Listen.

The love bombing is a great point. He has reeled you in to the extent that you sound willing to excuse his recent violence towards you in the hope that a) things will go back to how they were and b) he won't be violent to you again.

However, violence always escalates - as his has already done against you. First it was "only" violence in your vicinity (in the car). Then it was your leg (invisible to other people). Then your neck. This is a frighteningly fast escalation!

Google also "the cycle of abuse". No man is abusive ALL the time (because if he was, you'd leave). Make no mistake, though, he is abusive and his behaviour is escalating.

Read back what you have said and think what advice you would give to someone in a relationship with this appalling man.
Baby or not get away from him, use your common-sense its clearly doomed.

know the feeling of a break up I just don’t want to feel like that again.

You als know the feeling of being grabbed until you are bruised, and having someone put their hands round your throat. You willing to have that again instead?

Listen to your family.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I sincerely hope he fucks off back to his ex in Turkey;I sorry if that is harsh but at least he will be gone.

You need to end things with him and walk away and go no contact.

I'm sorry things are not working out with your pregnancy but believe me you don't want to be tied to this emotionally,verbally& physically abusive man.

I apologise if this offends anyone but my friend is married to a Turkish man and her life is miserable.Women are seen as second citizens in his culture;women answer to their husbands and do as they are told.

Housework,laundry,cooking and child rearing are women's work.My friend is expected to do all the shit work and hold down a job too as her husband keeps her a short leash financially and is a cheap bastard;she works so her kids have what they need and do after school activities/have days out etc as her husband doesn't care about any of that.

Don't end up like my friend.

I apologise if this offends anyone but my friend is married to a Turkish man and her life is miserable.Women are seen as second citizens in his culture;women answer to their husbands and do as they are told.

This is my experience of the culture too.

Added to it that they they cheating as acceptable for men and a stoning offence for women.

Op, he may be motivated to get a visa for here if he doesn't already have one. So his motives may not be "pure" in wanting tk gave a relationship with you, or maybe get married, or have a child in the UK.(which could give him rights to stay).

In terms of things being wonderful again, anyone can fake being wonderful for a certain amount of time, then you start to see the real them. He's violent and abusive. I seriously doubt you're not going to see that again now youvw gotten past the honeymoon period, and now you've challenged him on his interaction with his ex.

Thus is not going to go back to being wonderful because it's very likely its not real. You didn't see all sides of him. You didn't see him when he was challenged or angry ... you have now.

Ignore that after your peril.

Your family ate trying to help, the the that peooke who care about you don't want you with him and are going to the extreme of cutting you off so they don't have to watch is very telling.

I sincerely hope he fucks off back to his ex in Turkey;I sorry if that is harsh but at least he will be gone.

I doubt he will while there's a UK visa up for grabs.

Abd I wouldn't take his word for it that she's ex, and that he never married her.

You can't even check he's definitely not married because they're records are patchy.

Please focus on your family and counselling and not this man.

It’s not as hard as you think it will be.

Let your family help you through what is going to be a difficult time. They love you and will look after you.

This man is not a good one. You don’t love him; you love who you think he is. He’s not that person. He’s not a good guy.

Say sorry to your aunt and uncle and tell them you mean it this time. And then, actually mean it.

You can do it, lovely. Head up. You’ve got more important things to deal with than carrying on with this no mark. Be a good girl and go home -ok?

I don't think you need to think about whether this man is good or not. From the sounds of it, your aunt and uncle have been nothing but good to you. Why would they now change and reject you because you found a good man? They wouldn't. They are telling you exactly what they think of this man and you should listen to them, because they have loved you and you can trust them.

I'd say that the violence, destruction, and hurting you stem from his views of women; he sees you as being subordinate to him you should not challenge him (even if its understandable you're not happy about something, and he wouldn't take you doing it to him) .... and he feels he has the right to hurt you and cow you abd get you in line.

That's why he'll do it again

He also clearly has issues controlling his temper, bit mostly because he thinks ots his right to act that way.

At the very least you need to stop having un protected sex with him, in case you get pregnant again in future.

Then he'll gave you well and truly trapped, and you'll end up.an abused mother raising your child in an abusive household.. or a single mother trying to coparent with an abusive man.

Your family love you and want the best for you.

This man doesn't love you. He grabbed you round the throat and threatened more.

It's really not difficult to choose who should remain in your life.

What your aunt is doing is showing you true love. She's letting you go because she loves you. Don't be another statistic the police didn't get to in time.

I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

There is a thing called the cycle of abuse. Very very few women would ever stay with someone who was abusive all the time, and abusers know this.

They know when theyve pushed things, abd made it possible or likely that you'll leave ... so of course they'll act nice after an episode or abuse/violence to convince you (and themselves) that that's not really them, and it was a one off, and it was just abc (insert excuse) etc etc.

They know they need tk be on their very best behaviour after an episode of abuse against you.

Thus man probably has immigration reasons on top of all the other reasons why he doesn't want you to walk away.

He's been having unprotected sex with you abd impregnated you; genuine, responsible men rarely have u protected sex with women in relation that are very long term where they feel ready for kids. It's not a good sign that he has.

He's hurt you. Ruuuuuuuuuuuun

Your world is coming crashing down because you have built it up based on your relationship with this man. One day - and I pray it is soon - you will build up your self worth based on yourself, your family, your friends. You will realise your worth is based on you, not on how well some bloke treats you. Then your world wont coming crashing down just because a relationship doesnt work out and you'll have the courage to end things when someone treats you badly.

He's doing a Sterling job of isolating you from your family. That's the plan. Give it a few months when you've chosen him and got out of the habit of seeing other people and the current situation will seem like a Disney movie. Speaking with my veteran and survivor of an abusive relationship hat on.

" I always say it's over and end up back a few days later."

Your comment above? This has NOT been an isolated incident. And even if it was, that's one too many.
This person will kill you, or cause you grave harm if you choose to stay with him. This is NOT love