Family said I’m not welcome there for as long I am witn this man?

[Danijoanne]

I'm in a relationship with a Turkish man for the last 11 months and I saw another side to him last month. To make a long story short his ex who's married now from Turkey contacted him and he basically told me to accept it or walk away. I couldn't accept it but I also couldn't walk away. He had been perfect and amazing up until then. He treated me great I felt so lucky.
He wanted to marry her 10 years ago in Turkey but her family got Involved and didn't accept it so it didn't happen. He's 39 and I turned 30 on Sunday.

Well we argued like crazy for a whole month. Things got heated and I stressed him so much because of her he was real nasty to me. In the car he went crazy and started smashing everything up, he ripped off the mirror and ripped off the sun viser, he banged the windows and I was scared he would turn his anger on me I got out the car and he just left me in the rain.

2 days later he grabbed my leg and squeezed so hard I had a bruise that turned purple and is still there faded to this day. He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me. That's all he's done to me and I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

Not long after this incident I decided to walk away and I did and he came running a few days later telling me he's blocked her and won't talk to her again and he wants to be how we were before. He said that's not him what he did to me he was just too stressed and I was fighting with him all month he blew. I believe him and for the last 2 weeks we've been good.

However, last week I'm late for my period and tested - positive. Although doctors think I'm either having an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage as they can't find a baby in the sac. I got more tests and a scan Tuesday. I haven't told nobody that I'm pregnant though.

I have an auntie (my mums sister) and my uncle her husband who are like my parents. They are amazing.

They've been there through mt really dark times 2 years ago and have been there for me ever since.
My dad who was amazing died when I was 17 and my mum I don't have a relationship with her she is just evil. So to have them I knew I could run to them when a problem occurred and they'd support me.

Well, i went to visit them yesterday and my auntie said she'd like to talk to me. She didn't say it horrible but she said for her and my uncles well being I'm not welcome at their home anymore for as long as I am with him. Because I told them everything he had done to me and she said they are being effected seeing me hurt and they can't deal with it. She said if they don't see me they won't know. What they don't know doesn't hurt. She said she can't accept me with him and they worry over me so much. My uncle more than her as he's more emotional. She said they will always be there for me but only when and if I decide to get rid of him for good. And she said if I do and text her saying it's over with him she said don't expect a reply straight, she'll need time to find out if I am serious because I always say it's over and end up back a few days later. They said their door is closed for me now whilst I'm with him and I completely understand why they are doing this. They both hugged me when I left and told me to please think and do the right thing.
They've tried helping me and advising me but I just listen to myself and want what I want.

I know the right thing is to walk away since seeing that side to him last month. But on the other hand I have hope he will change and things will be amazing again. I want him and have strong feelings for him to walk away to please my family would hurt me but then choosing to stay with him means losing my family and I don't have nobody.

One part of me is saying choose him because that's what you want and to hell with everyone else if they can't accept that because I won't be happy leaving him at the moment. But another part is saying choose your family they care so much about me and will always be there for me.

I was at his last night upset but I can't tell him what's going on because it's about picking and choosing him or them. My family didn't say to make a decision they just said when and if I decide to get rid of him then I'd be more than welcome back there. They haven't said make a choice but just think about it and what's for the best.

Any advice? Please take into consideration that I am like starting to love this man, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always see the best in people and give chances to change in hope they do. What if I walk away now and he really did change? All sorts of things going through my head! :(

But on the other hand I have hope he will change and things will be amazing again

I'm sure every abuse victim has thought this. It only gets worse.

You've only been dating 11 months and he's physically harmed you. Believe what he's telling you.

Run fast.

What response were you actually expecting from here OP?

Of course leave him. Nobody will say different.

If you’re considering staying with him then that’s up to you but why post here?

You only have one option here

Walk away

Or one day he will probably kill you

Ask yourself why the family of the woman in Turkey who he wanted to marry 10 years ago stepped in and stopped it from happening. They must have had their reasons.

BTW if the issue around age and having kids is a concern (it shouldn't be - your life is more important) then I left my ex at 34 years old. Divorced a couple of years later. Met my now (wonderful) husband at 39 and married at 41. We have one child, born to me in my early 40s.

Life doesn't stop at 30. But it might if you stay with this man...

Run. Please run. Run far and don’t look back.

You are thirty years old, you are beautiful, you are intelligent, happy, you have so much potential and most importantly you have no ties to this awful, awful man. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and if you stay you are slamming the door on any happy future you may have had.

Your family are right and you know it. You think you love him but you don’t, you love the idea of this, the idea he has projected onto you. The physical violence, the threat and the emotional abuse - that is him.

Please run, nothing else is more important than your safety.

He will NOT change.
He has shown you who he is.
Why would you want to stay with this man?
He will NOT change!

Many women here have walked in your shoes. Please listen to them when they say this cannot be fixed.

I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

Oh, please. Once you see someone can do that to you once, it's just a matter of time until they do it again.

Whatever you pretend to yourself about everything being good on the surface, underneath you know that it's not right.

The only way to respond is to cut him out of your completely. Then start being nice to yourself, find fun and interesting things to do, live your best life. All the best.

The man is abusive. He may kill you- he tried the throttle you. If you have children he might abuse them and take them away from you back to Turkey. Love is an illusion. Love quickly fades. Scars don’t. Block him forever - no good will come of this unless you do. If you are pregnant have an abortion. Do the Freedom Programme. Promise us.

Does anyone think there may be something dodgy about this post ?

You can report it if you don't think it is genuine.

Stay with him and one day he will likely kill you (and/or hurt any child you might have) or put you in hospital due to the injuries he inflicted. Naturally he'll blame you, the weather, the football scores (anyone but himself) for his violence.

This violence he does "when he's stressed out". Tell me, does he do that to his mother, his sister/siblings, his mates, his boss, the general public when THEY stress him out? Or is it purely towards you?

And how would he take it if the tables were turned and YOU were in contact with an ex, and told him to put up with it or walk away?

He is showing you who he is (And what he is). Run like fuck from him. Leave. He will isolate you from your friends, your family and from anyone who genuinely loves and cares for you. He will destroy your life.

Forgive me for saying this, I do hope that this pregnancy isn't viable (I'm so sorry to say that), but believe me you do not want to have a child with this abusive monster. He will be in your life for as long as that child is alive. Even if you did split with him. Can you imagine handing over a child for unsupervised contact with someone like that? Someone you know would physically harm you? Courts will push for contact with parents who you wouldn't believe should have contact. Worse....he could take that child back to his home country to see family/"for a holiday" and refuse to give the child back to you.

Sooo, run like fuck, end things with him, block contact and never ever go near him again. Don't tell him about the pregnancy (abuse will often ramp up a few levels). If the pregnancy is viable (and you go ahead with it), DO NOT marry him or put him on the birth certificate.

Look after yourself xxx

"he hasn't touched me since and things are good now."

What, you mean in the last 2 weeks? Oh, well that's fiiiiine then!

You HAVE to leave him or he will harm you and your baby op 💐 if you do t leave for yourself, leave for your CHILD.

He put his hands around your throat ? ??? Please leave him before he hurts you.

The Maya Angelou quote “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” couldn’t be more apt here.

Your naivety is staggering OP given that you claim to be 30, you write like a much younger person which would make me think you are vulnerable & a prime choice for a violent abusive man.

You need to realise he is abusive, he won’t change, he will hurt you again, he might kill you.

So find some self respect, see what he showed you about himself, listen to your family and run the fuck away fast.

PP’s have suggested this isn’t real, probably because it is so unbelievable that anyone in their right mind would be this delusional about a man who has behaved like he has (& it may well be made up - if so it’s nothing a sad reflection on the OP that they feel the need to get attention that badly!). However, on the assumption that it is real, because there really are women in situations like this sadly - I hope you listen to the advice OP & next time try and be a bit smarter about the life choices you make, or if you aren’t capable of that at the very least try and listen to the people who care about you..

@NotaCoolMum

If you read the whole thread you’ll see that the OP has answered this question and other posters have said they had early scans for the same reason.

Do you want to live your life with him fearing everytime he gets upset and angry he will turn violent? Its no way to live your life or to bring up a family into this situation.
Follow your head not your heart.

He’s shown you who he is. Listen.

But you won’t. What are you hoping for? No one is going to tell you that of course you should stay with him, he might change. What will actually happen is he’ll be violent again, you’ll put it down to some excuse or blame it on yourself and the cycle starts again. Putting his hands to your throat is the absolute red flag that you get taught about in safeguarding. He may well kill you.

Don't think of it as walking away to please your family, think of it as walking away to keep yourself safe. He has shown his true colours and it's a violent one. He's not going to change.

My ds is married to a Turkish lady and has one dd now aged 22. They say they pray she won’t become involved with an older Turkish man. They have very ‘traditional’ views. They tend to regard non Turkish women as ‘ fair game’ and rarely have truly committed relationships with these girl friends.
The big trigger is that ,if the girl friend is not introduced to his family, especially his mother then there is little chance of a long term relationship.
It is easy to generalise but my son has lived in Turkey and UAE for 26 years now. I know of many successful marriages where the wife is Turkish and the husband British but only one the other way round.
Please leave this man now. His behaviour shows he has no respect and certainly no love for you.

He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me.

Men who put their hands around a partners neck in anger are 7 times more likely to murder them.

Stop viewing this as choosing between your family and this man.

View it between choosing being happy and healthy in the long term over being with someone you know is capable of violence and abuse.

Choose you.

And if you want kids in future, choose those future kids now. Don't have them with a man you know is capable of violence and abuse. That would be a shitty thing to do.

I think the next time you stand up to him he may well try and kill you. Generally Turkish men ultimately want a subservient woman because that's their culture.