Family said I’m not welcome there for as long I am witn this man?

[Danijoanne]

I'm in a relationship with a Turkish man for the last 11 months and I saw another side to him last month. To make a long story short his ex who's married now from Turkey contacted him and he basically told me to accept it or walk away. I couldn't accept it but I also couldn't walk away. He had been perfect and amazing up until then. He treated me great I felt so lucky.
He wanted to marry her 10 years ago in Turkey but her family got Involved and didn't accept it so it didn't happen. He's 39 and I turned 30 on Sunday.

Well we argued like crazy for a whole month. Things got heated and I stressed him so much because of her he was real nasty to me. In the car he went crazy and started smashing everything up, he ripped off the mirror and ripped off the sun viser, he banged the windows and I was scared he would turn his anger on me I got out the car and he just left me in the rain.

2 days later he grabbed my leg and squeezed so hard I had a bruise that turned purple and is still there faded to this day. He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me. That's all he's done to me and I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

Not long after this incident I decided to walk away and I did and he came running a few days later telling me he's blocked her and won't talk to her again and he wants to be how we were before. He said that's not him what he did to me he was just too stressed and I was fighting with him all month he blew. I believe him and for the last 2 weeks we've been good.

However, last week I'm late for my period and tested - positive. Although doctors think I'm either having an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage as they can't find a baby in the sac. I got more tests and a scan Tuesday. I haven't told nobody that I'm pregnant though.

I have an auntie (my mums sister) and my uncle her husband who are like my parents. They are amazing.

They've been there through mt really dark times 2 years ago and have been there for me ever since.
My dad who was amazing died when I was 17 and my mum I don't have a relationship with her she is just evil. So to have them I knew I could run to them when a problem occurred and they'd support me.

Well, i went to visit them yesterday and my auntie said she'd like to talk to me. She didn't say it horrible but she said for her and my uncles well being I'm not welcome at their home anymore for as long as I am with him. Because I told them everything he had done to me and she said they are being effected seeing me hurt and they can't deal with it. She said if they don't see me they won't know. What they don't know doesn't hurt. She said she can't accept me with him and they worry over me so much. My uncle more than her as he's more emotional. She said they will always be there for me but only when and if I decide to get rid of him for good. And she said if I do and text her saying it's over with him she said don't expect a reply straight, she'll need time to find out if I am serious because I always say it's over and end up back a few days later. They said their door is closed for me now whilst I'm with him and I completely understand why they are doing this. They both hugged me when I left and told me to please think and do the right thing.
They've tried helping me and advising me but I just listen to myself and want what I want.

I know the right thing is to walk away since seeing that side to him last month. But on the other hand I have hope he will change and things will be amazing again. I want him and have strong feelings for him to walk away to please my family would hurt me but then choosing to stay with him means losing my family and I don't have nobody.

One part of me is saying choose him because that's what you want and to hell with everyone else if they can't accept that because I won't be happy leaving him at the moment. But another part is saying choose your family they care so much about me and will always be there for me.

I was at his last night upset but I can't tell him what's going on because it's about picking and choosing him or them. My family didn't say to make a decision they just said when and if I decide to get rid of him then I'd be more than welcome back there. They haven't said make a choice but just think about it and what's for the best.

Any advice? Please take into consideration that I am like starting to love this man, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always see the best in people and give chances to change in hope they do. What if I walk away now and he really did change? All sorts of things going through my head! :(

He's abusive. Things have been good for 2 weeks but were violent and aggressive over the course of a month and you're expecting the niceness to last forever?

It won't. He'll pull you back in and then it'll happen again, and it'll be your fault, it's not who he really is blah blah and the cycle will just keep repeating itself.

He grabbed your neck in to show you that if he wanted to obstruct your airway and kill you he could.

Leave.

Your family are right to be very concerned. The violence is just starting. It won't end. Leave this man as soon as you possibly can and don't have a child with him. It may not feel like it now but you will be much happier in the long run. You only have one life - don't fuck it up by staying.

I had bleeding and sharp stabbing pains and the hospital told me to come in and did a Normal test, an internal one and blood tests. They can’t find a baby and my HCG levels were 600 and they asked me back after 48 hours for anorher blood test hoping the levels would of doubled but they went up just a little bit. She said my ovaries are healthy so she just thinks it’s a failed pregnancy not an ectopic one. They want to test on Tuesday.

Choose you and your child and never ever see or contact him again.

And when the people who love and care for you are worried. Listen.

And yes, you need to leave him. Throttling the partner is a massive red flag for going on to murder them.

He will destroy your life if you stay with him and his actions are not loving ones in any way. He has been violent towards you repeatedly and has tried to strangle you. You could indeed end up dead by his hand. Why would walking away from this man hurt you?. Can you not see how messed up your own boundaries are here; they are so low its allowed this violent man to enter into your life and become pregnant by him.

Did your mother behave violently towards you as a child?.

Please get therapy for yourself going forward; your mindset of, " I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always see the best in people and give chances to change in hope they do" shows poor boundaries and people pleasing behaviours. All of this stands you out as being a very attractive target for abusive men. Your aunt and uncle truly love you and want the best for you; they do not want to see you end up further hurt and or even worse dead by his hands.

I don’t mean to offend but it’s probably a good thing if there’s not a baby linking you. Please never speak to him again. None of this is his business.

RUN LIKE FUCK

Then run some more

He’s a violent, nasty bully

How can you love somebody who orders you to accept that he's in another relationship. He has made it clear he won't back down. He has hurt you when you have fought!!!

I agree with pp, you have one life, atm you're only 30 but these next few years will shape your life so irreparably.

End this relationship now and please find a bit of support at therapy to unravel what you've just been through.

When people treat you really badly, you need to get turned right off. Not decide that you love being treated badly!

Don't be the saboteur of your own one life.

x

Choose him because that’s what you want?
Because what you want is to get beaten up when you challenge him? Sounds super fun you should def choose this. No doubt you’ll file this under, ‘he’s from another culture where men are men!’ Bollocks.

Sometimes in life we have to do the thing that is not fun and v painful and boring because it is what’s best for us. That’s being an adult\mature, acting as our own advocate, doing what we can to look out for ourselves.

You’re an adult woman start taking responsibility for your decisions and stop treating your aunt and uncle like the big bad parents, who you have to defy to be with your ‘one true love’.

Sounds like they’ve done a Sterling job, and no doubt you will ignore their good advice because you want to keep him at all costs.

I stressed him so much because of her he was real nasty to me.

Do you realise you’re applying blame to every woman in the situation but nowhere do you lay to the responsibility at his feet? He was nasty to you because he is nasty and because you challenged him. That’s not what you want to be dealing with down the line, TRUST ME.

What was involved in this conversation to stress him and you out so much? If this is all it takes, you don’t have much stability. Proper love is calm stable and kind, this is teen drama stuff.

Leave him now before you're too frightened to go

He is not an amazing man and if you stay with him, you risk him killing you. Such violent reactions is bloody scary and this is before he has you in his clutches.

Step away from that man.

@Fiddliestofsticks

Why did you have a scan already? They dont scan after a positive test.

I did. I had a scan because a blood test showed my hcg (?) levels were really high and that can be a sign of cancer if it's not twins so they do give scans shortly after prg tests if a blood test shows something up.

Leave now or in a couple of years you'll be posting for advice about a man that regularly batters you when things don't go his way.

Come on you can do this. Leave, block and get your family support back.

Please leave, with support from your family/Women's Aid. Attempted strangulation is a high risk factor for going on to murder - you are in danger. Your family love you and are right

They never change. Walk away now show some self respect and dignity.
You never ever give someone who is violent a second chance!

Listen to your family that love you. This guy will ruin your life and will only escalate his abuse. If you stay you may never get away. Love yourself you definitely deserve more he’s just a cheating violent vile animal.

There are many things in your post which are deeply concerning but it is this:

He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me.

which makes me very worried for you. This man is a dangerous abuser and he has already told you he is prepared to hurt you. Such a blatant admission of his violent nature is a test, you have stayed with him, HE WILL HURT YOU. For your own safety you need to get away from him and cut all contact. That he has, in your opinion, treated you well until recently only tells you that he is in complete control of himself and any violence is calculated to dominate, intimidate and control.

Has he given a reason for a previous girlfriends family objecting to her marrying him?

He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me
This is the most important line in both your posts. This ones means it will get worse. This one means he would easily kill you. He even told you in that moment he would kill you.

You need to listen to your aunt. You need to block him and move on with your life. If you stay connected to this man he will kill you.

Of COURSE you need to leave him.

Your family obviously love you very much. I hope you realise that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and get the strength to leave him.

“Things got heated and I stressed him so much” you did not stress him he got stressed and he decided how to react!!!

The way he is treating you if anyone treated his sister like this he would hurt them really bad. Turkish men can be very macho and think this is acceptable - it isn’t!!! He is in a sexual relationship with you, again if you asked him if his sister had a sexual relationship out of marriage and what his views on this is and he would not be okay with it. It is a very patriarchal community. Take a step back and read your post - think about whether someone else had written it what would your advise be. This is not someone to have a relationship with. This is not someone to have a child with. Your family are rightly worried about you. You are worried about you as you have shared these concerns with them. Easier said then done but I would not stay with someone who has treated me like this.

RUN.