Family said I’m not welcome there for as long I am witn this man?

[Danijoanne]

I'm in a relationship with a Turkish man for the last 11 months and I saw another side to him last month. To make a long story short his ex who's married now from Turkey contacted him and he basically told me to accept it or walk away. I couldn't accept it but I also couldn't walk away. He had been perfect and amazing up until then. He treated me great I felt so lucky.
He wanted to marry her 10 years ago in Turkey but her family got Involved and didn't accept it so it didn't happen. He's 39 and I turned 30 on Sunday.

Well we argued like crazy for a whole month. Things got heated and I stressed him so much because of her he was real nasty to me. In the car he went crazy and started smashing everything up, he ripped off the mirror and ripped off the sun viser, he banged the windows and I was scared he would turn his anger on me I got out the car and he just left me in the rain.

2 days later he grabbed my leg and squeezed so hard I had a bruise that turned purple and is still there faded to this day. He grabbed me by my neck and warned me to shut up before he harms me. That's all he's done to me and I'm not making excuses but he hasn't touched me since and things are good now.

Not long after this incident I decided to walk away and I did and he came running a few days later telling me he's blocked her and won't talk to her again and he wants to be how we were before. He said that's not him what he did to me he was just too stressed and I was fighting with him all month he blew. I believe him and for the last 2 weeks we've been good.

However, last week I'm late for my period and tested - positive. Although doctors think I'm either having an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage as they can't find a baby in the sac. I got more tests and a scan Tuesday. I haven't told nobody that I'm pregnant though.

I have an auntie (my mums sister) and my uncle her husband who are like my parents. They are amazing.

They've been there through mt really dark times 2 years ago and have been there for me ever since.
My dad who was amazing died when I was 17 and my mum I don't have a relationship with her she is just evil. So to have them I knew I could run to them when a problem occurred and they'd support me.

Well, i went to visit them yesterday and my auntie said she'd like to talk to me. She didn't say it horrible but she said for her and my uncles well being I'm not welcome at their home anymore for as long as I am with him. Because I told them everything he had done to me and she said they are being effected seeing me hurt and they can't deal with it. She said if they don't see me they won't know. What they don't know doesn't hurt. She said she can't accept me with him and they worry over me so much. My uncle more than her as he's more emotional. She said they will always be there for me but only when and if I decide to get rid of him for good. And she said if I do and text her saying it's over with him she said don't expect a reply straight, she'll need time to find out if I am serious because I always say it's over and end up back a few days later. They said their door is closed for me now whilst I'm with him and I completely understand why they are doing this. They both hugged me when I left and told me to please think and do the right thing.
They've tried helping me and advising me but I just listen to myself and want what I want.

I know the right thing is to walk away since seeing that side to him last month. But on the other hand I have hope he will change and things will be amazing again. I want him and have strong feelings for him to walk away to please my family would hurt me but then choosing to stay with him means losing my family and I don't have nobody.

One part of me is saying choose him because that's what you want and to hell with everyone else if they can't accept that because I won't be happy leaving him at the moment. But another part is saying choose your family they care so much about me and will always be there for me.

I was at his last night upset but I can't tell him what's going on because it's about picking and choosing him or them. My family didn't say to make a decision they just said when and if I decide to get rid of him then I'd be more than welcome back there. They haven't said make a choice but just think about it and what's for the best.

Any advice? Please take into consideration that I am like starting to love this man, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always see the best in people and give chances to change in hope they do. What if I walk away now and he really did change? All sorts of things going through my head! :(

@Hopeisallineed

I think Mumsnet need to investigate this thread, not much adds up.

@Hopeisallineed It does if you RTFT.

I don't understand what you love about him,he's vile,walk away

Sorry about your baby. That's a very difficult experience for you. Ditch the loser. He is violent. Your family love you. They are 100% right. He won't change. He is an abuser.

Its amazing that youre even questioning this. Do you get off on the drama?
Of course you leave someone that is violent amd abusive.

Sorry to be so blunt about this, but you know those funeral plans they advertise on TV? Well, I suggest you take one out because the family who love you may well need it very soon if you stay with this vicious creature.

Report it then.

Read all of OPs posts first though

To the very few people who think this isn’t real. Unfortunately it is.
Someone asked have I been through a toxic relationship before. I have. I was with a man 8 years who constantly cheated on me. But he never lay a finger on me but it was still toxic.
I’ve seen my mum get into toxic relationships after my dad died. I’ve had a terrible relationship with my mum.
My auntie thinks I’m so desperate to be loved because I’ve never had that except from my dad who died when I was young So when I find a man who shows interest I cling onto them. It’s true. I have zero self respect and no self worth. I started counselling for the first time 2 weeks ago and talking to a stranger helped and I felt better. I had my second session last week but cancelled it due to having to go down the hospital and dealing with this pregnancy.
I have not told him I am pregnant and I know if I did he would be telling me to have an abortion and would not be around. Because I’ve spoke about it before to him what if I did get pregnant he said he wouldn’t want it right now because of culture and he’d want me to meet his family and be married to me first.
But I do think it’s a blessing if it is a failed pregnancy because of my relationship with him.
There is way more to it I can’t write it all down in one post. It is definitely not a fake post. I have been through a bad time over the last 10 years. I’ve been through sad situations and my auntie said she cannot see me go through it again like my last relationship.
I am lost and know the best thing to do is cut contact with him and focus on me, but I know the feeling of a break up I just don’t want to feel like that again. I’m not happy with him since last month and I keep clinging onto the first 10 months we had together. We travelled all over the U.K., we did so much together. I never imagined I’d ever find a man who treats me like a queen after my last relationship. I felt worthless and felt like I didn’t deserve to be so happy. Then I met him and I was on top of the world. Then this happened and my worlds come crashing down again

Many women still have a discharge that resembles a normal period whilst they are pregnant. When pregnancies aren't viable this seems very common.

Staying with this man is sheer selfishness and stupidity. You are not safe with him. Your family are worried on your behalf. Do they mean nothing to you?

Is there a part of you that's afraid? A part that's afraid to stay and a part that's afraid to leave? Fear is protective but so is blind hope in the face a life of hurt, pain and servitude. These men do not change and it will get worse especially through pregnancy.

If you stay where will you draw the line? Will you leave if he strangles you again? Will you leave when he punches you in the face? Will you leave after he stabs you? Pulls you hair out? Throws you down the stairs? At the moment it sounds like you believe love is unconditional. It isn't. There are always conditions and always reasons to leave. Love isn't all you need, you need respect, compassion and understanding too. Your family still love you but they are walking away like you should do with this man. They are protecting themselves as you should too. They are displaying their boundaries and sticking to them, as you should too.

His violence is not a sign of how passionate he is, or how strong his emotions are for you. They are a sign that he is dangerous and may very well kill you. For abusers, you could be anyone. You are not special to them. If you were to do a risk assessment with Women's Aid you would score highly and they would be working with you on safety plans etc. Please call them, please reach out to your loving family and please reach out to yourself. The part of you that knows you deserve better.

He doesn’t treat you like a queen. He doesn’t love you, or even like you, if he’s smashing up your car, hurting you, and wanting to be in touch with his ex. He’s probably only interested in sex on tap. You’re worth so much more, OP.

Read up on love bombing - those 10 months weren't the real him it was abusive behaviour to suck you in. He is now on the nice nasty cycle.

Speak to women's aid and do the Freedom Programme.

That's all he's done to me This part of your post really jumped out at me. That’s all he’s done to you. So far. He will do more. And more. And more. And he’ll mess with your head by sometimes being nice to you, and by saying it’s your fault. And you’ll be drawn deeper and deeper in. And one day he’ll really really hurt you.

You’re minimising what he’s done. He’s an abuser. Get out now.

Does he have Right to Remain in UK? He knows you are vulnerable and is exploiting that. Your family can see beyond the emotional attachment.

When people show you who they are believe them. Your partner is abusive and the way you are deceiving events you are talking like a victim of abuse, minimizing his action and taking the blame.
It doesn’t matter how stressed you get, hurting someone, physically or emotionally, is never an acceptable response.
Put yourself first and walk away, it will be hard but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I don’t necessarily agree with your family cutting you off, but they probably have a more clearheaded view of the situation than you and have decided that the tough love approach is what they need to go with.
I wish you all the luck in the world, you can do this

Lots of information for you to investigate

love bombing

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/11/this-powerful-manipulation-method-keeps-you-bonded-to-your-abuser/

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

and Finally, a PDF copy of the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Good luck. Taking responsibility for yourself and your life, rather than looking for a man who will 'fix' you, is the single thing you can do for yourself and your future happiness.

@Palavah

Choose you. Walk away from this man who has been violent towards you. He will hurt you again. Block him, and move on with yout life. Do not waste your 30s on this abuser.

This, 100%.

My husband gets stressed and never lays his hands on me. If this is where he goes when he is stressed what happens down the line when things are really hard? I tell you the stress of children are none stop and he will hurt you again. You are already blaming yourself for his mistakes. I would walk away

From what you’ve written they sound right to draw a line in the sand to protect you and also them.
If it were me I would make damn sure you knew I was there for you - you not him - if you ever needed help.

I’m not happy with him since last month and I keep clinging onto the first 10 months we had together.

OP I've been there, walking away is hard when you have recent memory of them being better. Your struggle is in accepting the first 10 months were a lie, it's hard to believe someone so vile can convincingly act the part of a kind and loving partner but they do. When you're free of their influence you can look back and see all the warning signs you minimised in order to hold on to illusion of a good relationship.

Please believe the advice you've been given about what a dangerous signal attempted strangulation is and leave before you have more than emotional pain to deal with.

I felt worthless and felt like I didn’t deserve to be so happy. Then I met him and I was on top of the world. Then this happened and my worlds come crashing down again

It's very very common for people who have experienced an abusive relationship to get into another one. Did you tell him about your ex at the start? Did he say lots of stuff like "I'm not like your ex", "I would never hurt you like he did", "I'm a good guy"? A PP mentioned love bombing and I think that's spot on.

You sound self aware in terms of your lack of confidence and self esteem and it's great that you recognise this and have started counselling. Have you been able to reschedule the session you missed? It's really important for you to keep up with this - think of it as a commitment to your future self. It will make you the best you that can be - it will improve your career chances, strengthen your friendships and family relationships, make you the best potential parent you can be, and most importantly show you that you deserve to be loved and respected.

Because you do, you really do 💐

This is text book I. The way this sort of domestic violence first shows it's self. This won't be the end of it, believe us all. He's love bombing for now so you forget and forgive what he's done til you challenge him the next time and he doesn't like it. It will get harder to leave over time as you become more dependent on him. If this pregnancy sadly doesn't work out then please don't let it happen again!

The man grabbed you by your neck - this is a huge sign to say if you don’t leave him then he will go on to kill you.

Oh @Danijoanne this man is vile. He is no catch. He has shown you what he is - you are only 10 months in (that is a very short time in relationship terms) and he has had inappropriate contact with his ex, been violent to the point of grabbing you by the neck, physically hurt you, damage to property, threatened you - whilst grabbing you neck - to shut up or he would harm you.

Can you see that he is a vile, criminal, abusive loser?

There is nothing good about this man. Any time he appears to be nice is just leading up to him mistreating you. At this early stage of a r'ship you are seeing the best of who the person is. So there is worse of him to come.

Your lovely relations however, you have known and loved for many years, yet you are putting their love and their opinions below your need for him. They love you, they support you, they will be there for all your life. This man has already made noises about being with someone else, will hurt you, lie to you, shout at you, abuse you.

If you stay with him you will have to put up with violence, threats, affairs, doing everything his way (or he'll threaten to leave everyt time). Your self confidence will continue to diminish until you are a shadow of yourself and can't find a way out. He may one day seriously hurt you or kill you. If you have children with him you will fear for their safety, and worry that they will grow up like him or likfe you.

There is nothing good to come from staying with him, and everything good to come from leaving today. Your lovely relations will be so relieved. Leave him and show them you mean it. And stick to your guns.

There will be someone much better for you out there. To be fair, 99% of the population is better than him.

You seem very vulnerable and your post sounds like it was written by someone much younger. I'm so sorry you lost your dad and you don't get on with your mum. Your aunt & uncle love you very much and are definitely right.

You sound like you're crying out for love. There are so many other decent men out there who won't smash up cars and physically abuse you.

The other posters are all right when they tell you to leave him but I fear you won't listen to them. 😢