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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. I'm on a date. I've read a text about me...

384 replies

doesthiscomewithfries · 13/08/2021 21:01

I'm on a forth date with a guy. He's cooking. Left me in charge of his phone for Spotify.

It's not an iPhone. I don't know what I'm doing. I get out of the app. I panic. Hit another button. Whatsapp. It's a chat with a friend of his where he's detailing what we got up to on our last date.

Also scrolling back. I'm half a bottle of wine down. He says he might not see me again as I'm not his type.

Sooooo. What do I do now. I feel like crap.

OP posts:
Eralos · 14/08/2021 06:23

I actually texted a friend before my first date with my husband saying I was unsure and may cancel! Hope you’re ok op and don’t feel too bad either way.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2021 06:29

He’d texted a friend saying that he might not see Op again as she wasn’t his type. It’s not very nice but hardly a hanging offence. Maybe he was on the fence and wanted to see for sure that was the case. I’ve seen that from female posters time and again.

ShuddaBeenMe · 14/08/2021 06:29

Hope you got home safely

custardbear · 14/08/2021 06:36

I hope you've got yourself home and left him to eat his dinner alone and reflect 🤔
What a prick, you've had a free 'get the fuck out of here' pass before you sleep with this idiot - my suspicions are the girl that's WhatsApp message you read, if he sent that message to her, he's probably trying to get in her pants too.
Now, open some wine and watch some Ryan Reynolds movie for eye candy and good comedy value 😉🥂

MostlyNormalSometimesOdd · 14/08/2021 06:40

@Fairycake2

Make excuses and leave
Don’t even make excuses, leave the WhatsApp messages open and leave
Fleabiter · 14/08/2021 06:41

I hope you're home safely now!

shapes1 · 14/08/2021 06:41

F

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 06:56

What a load of hysteria.

So the man had a conversation, is that not allowed? Has no-one on here ever had a conversation you wouldn’t want someone else to read?

The only one in the wrong is the OP for thinking she had a right to snoop through his messages.

At least she had the foresight to join mn just so she could tell a load of randoms how she was in the toilet crying.

As for the ‘please let us know you’re safe,’ posters, get a bloody grip.

ThorsLeftNut · 14/08/2021 07:06

I’m assuming you stayed, or this is fake? No updates whens people are concerned for your safety? Really OP?

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 07:10

Why would people be concerned for her safety?

vdbfamily · 14/08/2021 07:11

My first boyfriend write to me saying he liked me but I wasn't his type and wished me well for future and when I sent nice letter back saying I hoped he'd find someone to make him happy, he changed his mind and we have been married nearly 20 years. It is not crime of the century to not be sure early on.

itcouldhave · 14/08/2021 07:13

@ThorsLeftNut

I’m assuming you stayed, or this is fake? No updates whens people are concerned for your safety? Really OP?
Perhaps people should get less over-invested in threads? All these people saying they can’t sleep, they’re terrified for the OP, really? It’s just creating drama for entertainment’s sake.
Handsoffstrikesagain · 14/08/2021 07:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TopBlogger · 14/08/2021 07:51

@shapes1

F
Why do people do this? Just "watch" and "bookmark" Hmm it works even on the app/phone
alexa677 · 14/08/2021 08:00

I agree it's not a nice thing to happen but I don't think it makes him dangerous??

I was on a date last week with someone who is not my usual type. I posted about it on here and have messaged a few different friends saying I was unsure....I'm still looking forward to the date tho an no danger in anyway at all.

Surely if someone is afraid for their safety the first port of call isn't MN?

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:03

@Doublestar

Hmmm....I couldn't decide whether my date "wasn't my type" a couple of dates in and was still dating another other men. I wasn't used to men like him (older, educated, a bit eccentric) A few dates later I started to really like him..stopped seeing the other guys. 20 years later were married with four dc's. He's the love of my life. It's not always love at first sight 🤷‍♀️
And for that one story, how many women have been used by men who aren’t that into them, for sex? Hardly rare is it.
Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:12

@AlternativePerspective

Why would people be concerned for her safety?
Because she was drunk, in a man’s house that she doesn’t know that well, she’s not going to have sex with him which may piss him off AND when she told him she wanted to leave he poured more wine. Do you really not understand that she’s in a vulnerable position?

Yes, he may be completely harmless, but women aren’t test crash dummies ready to experiment with which men are and aren’t violent, her safety actually matters.

MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 08:13

@JulesCobb You're right, lovely. I realised after posting that the OP was using her own phone, not his.

However, I'm with everyone who think this thread has gone bonkers.

From someone finding a text saying he has doubts about the OP, a group of women immediately think he is a cad, rapist and even a murderer.

When did going to dinner with a guy who had written a text (and who knows when) mean he was only asking you to dinner now to have his evil way , with or without consent, and then dump you?

It's a very cynical way to look at men. I'm sure if he isn't that keen he'd not waste time cooking dinner just for a possible shag.

DukeOfEarlGrey · 14/08/2021 08:15

I don’t think OP was actively concerned for her safety. I think she was concerned that she was on a date with a man who didn’t really like her, which sounded plausible to a lot of pp. If she was upset about that text she’s likely to be even more upset if she has slept with him and then he ditches her, so the advice was for her to leave.

However, I agree that pouring more wine for a woman who has just said she wants to leave is a worrying sign and potentially the thin end of the wedge. If this was real I hope OP did make an exit, or at least that she is happy this morning with how things panned out.

I also think a good point was raised about these threads providing advice to women for the future even if not real/relevant at the time. Also that if in need, you could do worse than ask mumsnet for help with an exit strategy, finding a local taxi number or whatever!

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 08:16

And for that one story, how many women have been used by men who aren’t that into them, for sex? Hardly rare is it. and? Your point being?

Best not ever share any positive stories eh, because that way people can’t whip up a frenzy on here and pretend to be sleepless and worried for the safety of someone who dared to have a conversation with a friend which she snooped through.

People do love a good drama on here.

supermoonrising · 14/08/2021 08:16

@Naunet
Just because it’s not a happy ever after doesn’t mean anyone’s been “used”. Only half of marriages end in happy ever after nowadays, never mind random internet dates. Though if you want to play Man Bad, how many men have been strung along while forking out for every meal and expense?

MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 08:17

@Naunet She wasn't so drunk she couldn't type many posts after logging onto a website.

It's a disgrace that so many posters are jumping to the conclusion that he's a rapist simply because he expressed his feelings in a text (that may have been after Date 1- and this was Date 4.)

Also, the OP got herself drunk. (If she was.) He didn't force her to drink 1/2 bottle wine and neither was he forcing her to drink the top-ups he poured when she last posted.

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 08:18

Because she was drunk, in a man’s house that she doesn’t know that well, she’s not going to have sex with him which may piss him off AND when she told him she wanted to leave he poured more wine. Do you really not understand that she’s in a vulnerable position? no. Women go to men’s houses all the time who they barely know. As men go to women’s houses all the time who they barely know.

Just because she said she read a text message doesn’t mean she’s in danger.

Seriously this thread needs deleting.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:18

[quote MakemeaCake]@JulesCobb You're right, lovely. I realised after posting that the OP was using her own phone, not his.

However, I'm with everyone who think this thread has gone bonkers.

From someone finding a text saying he has doubts about the OP, a group of women immediately think he is a cad, rapist and even a murderer.

When did going to dinner with a guy who had written a text (and who knows when) mean he was only asking you to dinner now to have his evil way , with or without consent, and then dump you?

It's a very cynical way to look at men. I'm sure if he isn't that keen he'd not waste time cooking dinner just for a possible shag.[/quote]
It’s not about him being dangerous, it’s about her being vulnerable. And yes, men will cook just to get their leg over, I’m astounded you think that doesn’t happen.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:19

@AlternativePerspective

And for that one story, how many women have been used by men who aren’t that into them, for sex? Hardly rare is it. and? Your point being?

Best not ever share any positive stories eh, because that way people can’t whip up a frenzy on here and pretend to be sleepless and worried for the safety of someone who dared to have a conversation with a friend which she snooped through.

People do love a good drama on here.

My point being OP doesn’t owe him a chance.
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