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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. I'm on a date. I've read a text about me...

384 replies

doesthiscomewithfries · 13/08/2021 21:01

I'm on a forth date with a guy. He's cooking. Left me in charge of his phone for Spotify.

It's not an iPhone. I don't know what I'm doing. I get out of the app. I panic. Hit another button. Whatsapp. It's a chat with a friend of his where he's detailing what we got up to on our last date.

Also scrolling back. I'm half a bottle of wine down. He says he might not see me again as I'm not his type.

Sooooo. What do I do now. I feel like crap.

OP posts:
Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:21

[quote supermoonrising]@Naunet
Just because it’s not a happy ever after doesn’t mean anyone’s been “used”. Only half of marriages end in happy ever after nowadays, never mind random internet dates. Though if you want to play Man Bad, how many men have been strung along while forking out for every meal and expense?[/quote]
Of course she would have been used if it had turned out that way! What else do you call it when a man secretly has no intention of pursuing things with a woman, but wants to fuck her before ghosting/dumping?!

And seriously, you want to do a Poor Menz post too?! 😂

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 14/08/2021 08:21

Cookiecreampie, yes, I was raped in a very similar situation when I was young and gullible. We didn’t have the concept of date rape, back then, so I blamed myself for that and all the consequences. I can’t stand to think of other women going through the same. He went on giving her more alcohol, not a good sign.

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 08:22

My point being OP doesn’t owe him a chance. the OP, if she exists, is an adult, capable of making her own decisions.

The arrogance of some who seem to think that posters wouldn’t be capable of making their own decisions were it not for the wisdom of MN astounds me.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:23

[quote MakemeaCake]@Naunet She wasn't so drunk she couldn't type many posts after logging onto a website.

It's a disgrace that so many posters are jumping to the conclusion that he's a rapist simply because he expressed his feelings in a text (that may have been after Date 1- and this was Date 4.)

Also, the OP got herself drunk. (If she was.) He didn't force her to drink 1/2 bottle wine and neither was he forcing her to drink the top-ups he poured when she last posted.[/quote]
Show me where I said he was a rapist?

Again, it’s not about him being violent, it’s about her being vulnerable. Women do not owe it to men to put themselves in vulnerable situations just to be kind.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:24

@AlternativePerspective

Because she was drunk, in a man’s house that she doesn’t know that well, she’s not going to have sex with him which may piss him off AND when she told him she wanted to leave he poured more wine. Do you really not understand that she’s in a vulnerable position? no. Women go to men’s houses all the time who they barely know. As men go to women’s houses all the time who they barely know.

Just because she said she read a text message doesn’t mean she’s in danger.

Seriously this thread needs deleting.

Ahh yes, because women are the same risk to men, as men are to women, aren’t they? 🙄
MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 08:24

It’s not about him being dangerous, it’s about her being vulnerable. And yes, men will cook just to get their leg over, I’m astounded you think that doesn’t happen.

No, no @Naunet, the thrust of these posts is he was dangerous. That's the 'vulnerable' comment.

How can you say in one phrase 'it's not about him being dangerous' then' it's about her being vulnerable'?

Laughable you can't see how illogical that is!

This antiquated idea that wicked men will cook or whatever to get sex...well yes, some might, and so might some women.

Can we please stop perpetuating this idea that women are feeble little things who need to be protected from the sexual urges of wicked men?

Unless you want to say all men are potential rapists.

Happy to discuss date safety if going to a man's house on Date 4 is the issue, but without the hysteria here.

Laiste · 14/08/2021 08:25

This all still going on?

Cliff hanger thread.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:26

@AlternativePerspective

My point being OP doesn’t owe him a chance. the OP, if she exists, is an adult, capable of making her own decisions.

The arrogance of some who seem to think that posters wouldn’t be capable of making their own decisions were it not for the wisdom of MN astounds me.

She came asking for advice, she was given advice, sorry that bothers you so much.
MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 08:26

@Naunet- by saying she was 'vulnerable' you imply he was going to use violence or rape her. You don't need to add the word 'rape'- it's implicit in all your posts. What else do you mean by 'vulnerable'?

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 08:26

Why would she be vulnerable? Just because he might be after a shag? What if she only wanted a shag? Would that be ok?

Aside from that, how does someone get so upset and instead of thinking “oh, I know, I’ll go and look for a website to join, will go through the joining process, and post that I’m in the toilet of a man’s house, crying because I read his text messages,” rather than texting a close friend?

Or is someone going to suggest that she had nowhere else to go?

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2021 08:26

The wildest comment was one suggesting the Op be careful in case he put something in her food !!! That’s all level nuts. He said she wasn’t his type, now he’s suddenly Ted Bundy. Op also said she was drunk, not drunk enough to close his Spotify and open up WhatsApp and read his messages, all by accident.I’m actually thinking it was a Saturday night wind up tbh

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:27

@MakemeaCake

It’s not about him being dangerous, it’s about her being vulnerable. And yes, men will cook just to get their leg over, I’m astounded you think that doesn’t happen.

No, no @Naunet, the thrust of these posts is he was dangerous. That's the 'vulnerable' comment.

How can you say in one phrase 'it's not about him being dangerous' then' it's about her being vulnerable'?

Laughable you can't see how illogical that is!

This antiquated idea that wicked men will cook or whatever to get sex...well yes, some might, and so might some women.

Can we please stop perpetuating this idea that women are feeble little things who need to be protected from the sexual urges of wicked men?

Unless you want to say all men are potential rapists.

Happy to discuss date safety if going to a man's house on Date 4 is the issue, but without the hysteria here.

Jesus Christ. I hope you don’t have daughters.
jelly79 · 14/08/2021 08:27

OP surely you never stayed the night after reading these messages

Mybestgirl · 14/08/2021 08:28

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

Cookiecreampie, yes, I was raped in a very similar situation when I was young and gullible. We didn’t have the concept of date rape, back then, so I blamed myself for that and all the consequences. I can’t stand to think of other women going through the same. He went on giving her more alcohol, not a good sign.
She didn’t have to drink it…she could’ve walked out when he nipped back into the kitchen, went to the loo etc.
Laiste · 14/08/2021 08:29

''Unless you want to say all men are potential rapists.''

I do. I see all men i've only met 3 times previously or less as potential rapists.

All people that you don't know are potential anythings Strange to think otherwise IMO.

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2021 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Naunet · 14/08/2021 08:30

[quote MakemeaCake]@Naunet- by saying she was 'vulnerable' you imply he was going to use violence or rape her. You don't need to add the word 'rape'- it's implicit in all your posts. What else do you mean by 'vulnerable'?[/quote]
Absolutely idiotic comment. So women should never be cautious, never look out for their own safety because that means they’re nasty bitches who label all men as rapists 🙄

The dick panderers are really out in force this morning.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 14/08/2021 08:32

If she has left she would have posted from the taxi, surely? Confused

MolyHolyGuacamole · 14/08/2021 08:32

Love a hysteria thread. 🍿

Disneycharacter · 14/08/2021 08:35

Read ops second post and don't believe a word of this. You read some text inadvertently. Yes, I can believe that. Told to leave and basically agree your going. Then accept alcohol enough to get drunk? Not drunk to start with because he was cooking dinner, but then (after reading the text) go on to get too drunk to presumably leave?

Calling BS on this one

Ridiculousradish · 14/08/2021 08:38

Hope you're OK OP, and sleeping off a hangover.

Slipperfairy · 14/08/2021 08:39

If I fancied him, I'd have stayed for the sex. I've slept with men in the past who weren't my type and I wouldn't want to go out with; but you can still fancy them and have fun.

itcouldhave · 14/08/2021 08:43

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Love a hysteria thread. 🍿
Just waiting for someone to suggest MNHQ should track the OP down using her IP address and call the police to do a welfare check on her.
MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 08:43

Absolutely idiotic comment. So women should never be cautious, never look out for their own safety because that means they’re nasty bitches who label all men as rapists 🙄
The dick panderers are really out in force this morning.

Don't use the word 'bitches' please when talking about women.
Don't twist what I said. I said I was happy to discuss date safety.

Women who need to be cautious should not swig half a bottle of wine in a man's house if they feel vulnerable.

Or are they only vulnerable because they snooped on his phone and found a (past) text expressing his ambivalence towards them?

You need to get some logic into your thinking instead of kicking off when anyone points out the flaws in your logic.

Fashio · 14/08/2021 08:45

Lol

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