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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 14/08/2021 10:12

I would tell her

This is how men get awaybwith their shitty behaviour, because women don't stand up to them.

It's sexual harassment in the work place, and it isn't less important because you are a babysitter, than it would be if you were a lawyer!!!

He is a sleaze

Jetstream · 14/08/2021 11:07

I would forward the message to both him and his wife with a simple ‘are you sure this is for me?’ message. Don’t assume anything. In my experience the wife knew and was happy to let things continue while her husband( my uncle) molested me in their house under her nose.
Both uncle and wife are tee-totals, god fearing members of the community. If you meet them, the wife is a warm friendly caring person. The uncle is a pillar of society devoted husband and father.
Don’t go back, this isn’t his first time trying it on with young women and has gotten away with it so far.

evtheria · 14/08/2021 11:20

Have been reading with disgust at your situation, I’m so mad this has happened to you... Originally I thought that although I’d want to know (as the wife), as you I personally hate confrontation so would have made my excuses and resigned... But recent pp pointed out it’s clear this man has likely done it before, so ‘smooth’ and casual was he about propositioning you, and will do it again. And the next woman may not know how to get out of it. They’re right.
I know you shouldn’t have to be the one this responsibility falls upon, it’s unfair, but as you do have the solid work history etc the truth is you are in a strong position to do it. I hope you are able and willing to call his behaviour out.

Either way, good on you for getting away from this saddo creep.

badg3r · 14/08/2021 11:28

Argh. What a shitty situation he's put you in. I would text the mum and say something like

It is very uncomfortable to say this but I have found your husband's behaviour inappropriate so I will be unable to babysit for you again. I wanted to let tou know now so that you have time to find someone else in good time before you need a babysitter next time. If tou want to talk on the phone I am happy to do so.

Then it's up to her if she wants to know or not.

Thedayohthedayohtheday · 14/08/2021 11:51

I would message him with either "If you want me to continue babysitting you had better stop this now, otherwise you will have some explaining to do at home."
OR
"Please explain to your wife why I can't babysit any more."
I would also tell him that your boyfriend was with you and read all the messages as they arrived.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 14/08/2021 12:09

10 messages that got increasingly flirty? !

Mantlemoose · 14/08/2021 12:17

Press reply, add the wife into the message chain, say you're not interested, press send, block both numbers. The end.

ThisIsNotSocialDistancing · 14/08/2021 14:09

Would I be right in thinking he's an MP?

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 16:45

@Mantlemoose

Press reply, add the wife into the message chain, say you're not interested, press send, block both numbers. The end.
That is not a bad idea being as the guy has been persistent.
Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 17:07

Hi OP,

I sympathise and fully understand you deciding that you didn't want all the drama and hassle of this. I had a male colleague drunkenly grope me recently, I struggled with my decision and in the end decided to not formally report as I had enough to deal with at the time. I have avoided him ever since and I will tell him why if he ever questions it.

I don't think you should lie to her though. I would send her a message and state "unfortunately I will no longer be able to babysit for you." If she pushes for a reason you might consider testing the water by saying the reasons are complicated then decide based on her response if you are going to tell her. She might be suspicious, there is no way this is the first time he has betrayed her.

I would like to highlight a few things that jumped out at me from your op however.

Firstly, there is no need to justify yourself by describing your clothes or appearance. You are entitled to dress however you like without it being interpreted as an invitation.

Secondly, you are too concerned with not being rude. The next time someone over questions you just smile and don't respond. If they press say "I don't want to get into that topic" and nothing else. When he texted you, there was no need to reply. The most liberating part of growing up was for me to find the confidence to cheerfully say "you are making me uncomfortable" and nothing else.

IceLace100 · 14/08/2021 17:38

If I were the wife, I'd want to know.

CrackersDontMatter · 14/08/2021 18:06

I'd want to know and I'd keep you on after I kicked him out.

Original poster
babysittingNC · 15/08/2021 01:03

Hi all. Found out today after doing a bit of digging that they're not actually married yet, but they are engaged. I decided to message her because I think she should know before she marries him.

I said 'hi X, I'm really sorry to have to message you this but I received some extremely inappropriate messages from X at the end of last week and I think it best I stop babysitting for you. You and the children have been lovely to work with, but I feel too uncomfortable now to continue working in your home.

I am telling you this because if it was me I would want to know. I want to make it really clear that I came to your home to do my job and nothing more, I feel extremely uneasy about the whole situation.

I have attached the screen grabs below, so please brace yourself before reading. These messages were the first I have received from him, I didn't respond and have since blocked and deleted his number.

I wish you and the children all the best for the future.

It's sent now so that's that. I haven't had any response which is to be expected. I feel terrible for her, she totally doesn't deserve this.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysittingNC · 15/08/2021 01:05

Also I think pp are confused, after his initial message and my brief response to it, I didn't reply again!

He sent lots of messages one after the other, the last one being the hotel one. I didn't reply to any.

OP posts:
SamiReed1 · 15/08/2021 01:11

Good on you OP, you did the right thing!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 01:13

You've done the right thing.

What a shorty position he put you in.

Wtf us going on in that dickhead's head ... seems like he's been watching too much porn.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/08/2021 01:13

Shitty not shorty!

Ulelia · 15/08/2021 01:16

Well done OP, excellent message! Star

She deserves to know, you deserve to not be sexually harassed at work, so at least you have made that known. He's a sleaze and deserves nothing!

WhyWhyWhyMum · 15/08/2021 01:30

Footballer I'm presuming?

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 01:49

Crikey... someone with morals dignity and self respect ... and respect for other women..

OP you are a breathe of fresh air and Respect to you for being honest with this woman. 🌸

magicalmama · 15/08/2021 02:29

Don't be a martyr.

Men like this are in positions of power and they know it. It's not in your interests to make a potential enemy out of him by telling his wife.

If you want to do the right thing for society, by all means tell his wife. But if you want to do the safer thing for you, just quit, say there is a particularly difficult unit at uni you need to concentrate on or something, and move on.

I know it's less satisfying and feels like he's getting away with it. But the alternative is making yourself pay the price for his poor behaviour, and you've done nothing to deserve that.

It's ok and sensible to walk away, saying nothing. Most people would.

Bogeyes · 15/08/2021 02:33

Make sure you don't delete the texts. You need to keep them in case the husband denies it and tries to cause trouble and tries to blame you for something you haven't done as the reason you won't babysit any more. He could even tell his wife that it was you who came onto him!

magicalmama · 15/08/2021 02:33

Sorry just saw your last response. You did the noble thing, which was very nice of you.

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 02:37

@babysittingNC

Hi all. Found out today after doing a bit of digging that they're not actually married yet, but they are engaged. I decided to message her because I think she should know before she marries him.

I said 'hi X, I'm really sorry to have to message you this but I received some extremely inappropriate messages from X at the end of last week and I think it best I stop babysitting for you. You and the children have been lovely to work with, but I feel too uncomfortable now to continue working in your home.

I am telling you this because if it was me I would want to know. I want to make it really clear that I came to your home to do my job and nothing more, I feel extremely uneasy about the whole situation.

I have attached the screen grabs below, so please brace yourself before reading. These messages were the first I have received from him, I didn't respond and have since blocked and deleted his number.

I wish you and the children all the best for the future.

It's sent now so that's that. I haven't had any response which is to be expected. I feel terrible for her, she totally doesn't deserve this.

OP did the right thing and told the Woman 🌸

larkstar · 15/08/2021 03:02

@babysittingNC
That made my eyes go all watery! Wow! Obviously this was a horrible situation to be thrown in to and a very difficult decision - I think you did this woman and her kids - and probably the man himself a favour by saying something - so obviously it takes actual real bona fida courage to put other peoples interests if not ahead of your own but at least on a par with them - I think this is a great thing for you to do - I hope it strengthens your attitude about confronting things in the future and that you don't doubt yourself about how you conducted yourself here or in any similar situation in the future - I just want to say well done.

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