I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

[babysittingNC]

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

It is totally up to you how you handle it. If you do change your mind and decide to tell her, I liked the wording from @Echobelly upthread.

I know you don't owe anything to the wife, but if you let her know then if she stays with the sleaze ball she is more likely to make sure that next babysitter is more protected.

It’s your choice how you handle it, but this is how shitty men keep getting away with shitty behaviour - because women, for whatever reason, continue to protect them, even when they’ve been harassed. It’s thanks to his shitty behaviour that you don’t feel you can work there anymore. It’s thanks to his shitty behaviour that you feel upset and anxious. In your position I would 100% forward the messages to the wife. We need to call out behaviour like this every single time it happens. At least then she can make decisions in the full knowledge of the facts..

Really simple . Explain that you have a lot going on and sadly you don’t have the time to be babysitting at the moment.
If the Dad is like you say she will either already know what a sleazy fuck he is, or very soon find out, it doesn’t necessarily need to come from you. I’d bet my last dollar she already knows. She will likely not thank you for chucking a grenade in her nice comfy life if you tell her. If he is well known in the area and you tell his wife he will likely do what he can to lay the blame on you. People will always look to vilify the ‘ow’.

why would she slag you off when it’s obvious the problem is her twat of a husband.

Because sadly some women don’t want to face they’re married to a sleaze and would rather believe the man they married, over someone they hardly know, blame the messenger and all that. The man stealing home wrecker is a persistent narrative that people are all to ready to believe. Him having more to lose is probably the thing he gets off on and he’s probably well adept at playing the victim of women who ‘can’t have him’.

I understand posters wanting this vile human exposed, I do too but we live in a society that generally prefers to believe men over women. Men believe other men and women, sometimes believe other women. I don’t want to discourage you but it would be remiss of me not to point out other possible outcomes.

Good luck.

I’d probably text him ‘you’re married to an amazing beautiful woman, you’d be an idiot to cheat on her’

@Zhampagne

I believe you, OP.

I would screenshot all of the messages and send to the wife with a purely factual statement to the effect that you no longer feel comfortable babysitting for the family.

I very much doubt this is the first time he has done something like this.

Please do this. So many wives just can't prove/know for sure what their sleazy husbands are up to because everyone 'minds their own business' and 'stays out of it'. She will put two and two together and understand if they've lost a other sitters too. Also you're leaving the next baby sitter with the same problem. Do the above and let her know why. Call that creep out and leave the discomfort to him.

By the way I’m not condoning his behaviour obviously, he’s a disgusting human being and a worthless husband. Of course whatever you decide to do is up to you. Telling someone their DH is trying it on isn’t easy and may not be received well but it is up to you at the end of the day

@babysittingNC

Also, I haven't done anything to insight this. I have a degree and 9 years experience working with children and families. I'm nothing but professional.

I don't go dressed inappropriately. Usually hair up, no makeup, leggings and a big top! Appropriate clothes for messy childcare duties.

It's crazy that is women have to say this. You're not at fault here, no matter you'd wear. It's him, not you.

I would tell the wife in these circumstances but not because of sisterhood or because she deserves to know but because this is your profession, and what has happened in her (and his) employment is sexual harassment.
This. As ive got closer to menopause this is the line i take. I call it out and report every time i see it. I expect it is something to do with hormone changes meaning I no longer need to tolerate men. except my husband As a younger woman I probably would have just walked away. Or even put up with shitty behaviour.

What a horrible situation!

I agree entirely that you have to drop this job, how very annoying for you - but I suspect when you tell the mum that you can no longer babysit for her, she's going to ask why. And you're going to have to tell her something - I would favour "inappropriate contact from the husband". If he's done it before, she won't have to ask any further questions - it will just confirm that he's a serial sleaze. If you are the first (which may or may not be the case) then it will give her the heads up that she could have a problem in the future. She may or may not ask for more details but if she does, I would recommend sending the screenshots of your convo to her.

And then sign off with a "good luck" style of goodbye, that is clear that you want no further contact from her, if that's what you want.

However, if she does decide to ditch his sorry arse, she may be even more in need of your services without him being around, so would it be worth you considering that?

Massively inappropriate and predatory given the age gap and that he is paying you as babysitter. I would certainly tell his wife, she deserves to know.

She won't believe you. Just block him and never go back. What an arsehole.

When I babysat as a late teen the wife ended the marriage due to the Dh having mire than one affair. He was a toad she was absolutely stunnning calm professional lady. I then did a lot of babysitting for just her. One night he was there to see the kids and a gorgeous man in a sports car turned up to take her on a date. The husband had an actual mantrum. One of the best things I’ve ever seen actually a sleaze getting his come uppance!

@MsTSwift

When I babysat as a late teen the wife ended the marriage due to the Dh having mire than one affair. He was a toad she was absolutely stunnning calm professional lady. I then did a lot of babysitting for just her. One night he was there to see the kids and a gorgeous man in a sports car turned up to take her on a date. The husband had an actual mantrum. One of the best things I’ve ever seen actually a sleaze getting his come uppance!

I love this! Good for her, getting rid of the pathetic lowlife.

If it was me I would wait til the wife asked for babysitting again. Then I would say I wasn't able to babysit for them again due to not being comfortable. And forward the message from the dad about the hotel.
And definitely keep all the messages.

What a sleaze!!! I'm sorry you've had to experience that.

@Caramellatteplease

Hes clearly a git but did you at any point in the stream of 10 incoming messages suggest that as he is a client you prefer to keep messages purely professional and limited to the needs of the children?

Show the wife by all means, she deserves to know hes a git. But unless that request in sent in the first 3 messages you sent, its doubtful that nattering with her husband is going to seem very professional.

I'd chalk this up to experience.

Caramel, are you actually for real? Wait, I know - you’re a man!

Yuck what a vile man. I bet you're not the first one either.

I would screenshot and send the messages to his wife. There will be no repercussions for you but it will help her. I wish my friend had told me when an ex and the father of my unborn baby tried to cheat with her. I understand why she didn't and it would have really hurt at the time but I would have made different decisions.

I would hazard a guess that this isn't the first time he has done this and the wife probably already knows what he is like.

Just texting her to tell her you are no longer be able to babysit is fine. She will know why. Don't make excuses or give any reasons.

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?

I left school at 16 and have a degree. It's not really uncommon for people to become adult learners whilst also working.

Gosh I'm really hoping you'll tell his poor wife - I'd want to know. I would also send her the screenshot so she knows this proof is undeniable.

@SpeakingFranglais

And this is why men continue to get away with this appalling sexist behaviour.

I would send the screen shots to the wife and say you are not comfortable working for the family any longer and wish them well.

Leave it up to her to make conclusions, why would she slag you off when it’s obvious the problem is her twat of a husband.

I definitely think you should say something - this incident could just be another in a chain of similar events; you don't know what has happened in the past with with this man in other situations - at work? If he can away with this I think he's only going to become bolder - imagine if you (or importantly someone else) had been naive enough to end up in a hotel room with this man - maybe that will happen. His wife may have already had to deal with a similar incident in the past and been convinced (by him) that it was a misunderstanding. Do you don't really know if you are the first babysitter (in spite of what you were told) - how old are the children? Why did they move - a fresh start? This man abused his position as your employer - do you think this is the very first time he had tried to find a weak minded, naive or vulnerable woman - it's an unbelievably bold move for a first attempt. Has his predatory behaviour ever been brought to the attention of the police - you just don't know. You owe to to other people to say something - can't you meet the wife on her own and show her the messages and allow her to ask any questions - take along another person you trust for support? Later in life when you reflect on this I think you'll regret not doing something.

This won't have been the first time he has tried it on with someone behind his wife's back, or the last time. Men like this are disgusting. Tell his wife, give up the job with them, and move on.

I think some of the advice you're getting here would be more appropriate if you were talking about the sleazy husband of a friend, rather than your employer. As it is, you are effectively being told to quit your job and say nothing to your boss or HR about the guy who propositioned you for sex. You have a professional reputation to consider here. As I see it, there are a few ways this can go:

1. You say you can't sit for them any more, but not why, this guy's wife thinks you're flaky and unreliable, your reputation suffers a bit.

1. You say nothing, but the husband gets nervous about what you might say in the future if his wife asks you, so he gets a preemptive strike in about how you came on to him when he was paying you. You could then produce the screenshot but he'd probably say you'd created it yourself on photoshop or something, and it would be more believable than if you'd got in your side of the story first. You then get a reputation for being a would-be husband-stealing seductress and nobody wants to hire you again.

1. You forward the screenshot to her and, although she believes you, she still sides with her husband/blames you over him - although in that scenario she would be unlikely to go round telling other people about it.

1. You forward the screenshot and she kicks him out, and you carry on working for her. If you live in a small town and word gets around about this sort of thing, I can see a possibility that other couples (the men, anyway) might see you as "trouble" and be reluctant to give you work, in the same way that women who win lawsuits against their employers for sexual harassment sometimes find themselves unable to get a job with another firm in the same sector.

It's all really shit and I'm angry on your behalf that this has been foisted on you and your professional life by a shitty man who thinks with his dick. In your position I'd still lean towards telling his wife exactly what happened, because I don't see why he should be allowed to throw a grenade into your life and suffer no consequences at all. I might even have sent the message straight to her and suggested she turn up at the hotel herself, just so she could see his face when she turned up instead of you - he might have had a hard time explaining that away.