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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 13/08/2021 20:54

You do what feels comfortable for you, OP. Blocking, saying you’re no longer available to sit, and getting on with my life would be my choice. But do hang onto those messages for a few months… this allows you time to really decide if you want to share with the mum or not. It allows you time to reflect. Flowers

RantyAunty · 13/08/2021 20:59

I wonder if she has a problem with babysitters suddenly quitting and she doesn't know why.

66babe · 13/08/2021 20:59

What a wanker! .. keep those messages in case you are ever accused of being the chaser

Yummmg · 13/08/2021 21:00

I'd definitely tell the wife

Porridgeislife · 13/08/2021 21:01

I’d do exactly the same OP. There’s no point getting dragged into their drama. Just politely say you’re not available for babysitting and move on with your life.

Wombat64 · 13/08/2021 21:05

I was a waitress in a posh hotel a few years ago & the owner used to corner one of the other waitresses. His wife was the co-owner & really lovely. These situations are just plain grim...

No advice, just support.

aerosocks · 13/08/2021 21:07

@RantyAunty

I wonder if she has a problem with babysitters suddenly quitting and she doesn't know why.
I was wondering the same thing.
tickledtiger · 13/08/2021 21:08

I’d only tell the wife if she pushed me to explain. Getting involved in their drama might come at a cost to you.

Queenoftheashes · 13/08/2021 21:10

Why are men like this?? Angry

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 13/08/2021 21:11

You need to tell the wife. A polite message, forwarding his messages and stating that given his intrusive questioning after the recent sit, followed by these messages, you are no longer willing to sit for the family. You no longer feel safe. You wish the children all the best.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 13/08/2021 21:11

And then block both.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 21:14

sthisit22

babysittingNC
Also, I haven't done anything to insight this. I have a degree and 9 years experience working with children and families. I'm nothing but professional.

I don't go dressed inappropriately. Usually hair up, no makeup, leggings and a big top! Appropriate clothes for messy childcare duties.
Please don't question yourself. You've done nothing wrong. It's just another horrible man abusing his power because it turns him on to do that
I'd forward the wife the message then block.“

Agree.

Sittingonabench · 13/08/2021 21:18

I would tell the wife in these circumstances but not because of sisterhood or because she deserves to know but because this is your profession, and what has happened in her (and his) employment is sexual harassment. Without telling her and providing evidence it may impact how he speaks of your services and your reputation. I would make it clear that you have not encouraged any of this behaviour and the impact it has on your place of work is unacceptable. It isn’t her fault in any way but unfortunately it is her issue and she needs to be aware of it if she intends to get any replacement help.

Disneycharacter · 13/08/2021 21:19

I'd decline babysitting but say nothing. After all nothing happened because you thankfully squashed it.

MushMonster · 13/08/2021 21:20

There has to be another solution for this.
I cannot bear that he is the one losing nothing here.
His wife is bein betrayed.
You put in an odd position, and the likely thing is that you will not sit for them again. You will loose business.
Yes, he loses nothing. You see, I do not think it is sex what they want, it is the power to know he can either have you, or make you disappear in the background, without his wife knowing anything.

I wish women stood their ground.
I wish we were not raised not to be rude. This blokes texts saying, how are you? Reply, fine thanks. Do you need any sitting?
He keeps asking questions, no answer.
He says about a hotel, I wish women would just say " creepy idiot, stay away from me! Or I will tell your wife"
And then carry on with earming your living.
But, it never works out like this for us! It is no longer safe for you to go to a sitting, because you could find yourself alone with him, and he is a proper creep.
These idiots always win!
I hate it.

If it was not for fear of being attacked, I would just babysit, and ask for double money when he handles it at the end of the night, or I would show his wife the texts. Proper blackmailing.
But in RL, it is a do not go around there anymore. I would text him telling him to stay away from me mind you! Just to make it 100% clear. Then block.

Zhampagne · 13/08/2021 21:22

I believe you, OP.

I would screenshot all of the messages and send to the wife with a purely factual statement to the effect that you no longer feel comfortable babysitting for the family.

I very much doubt this is the first time he has done something like this.

AndAllOurYesterdays · 13/08/2021 21:22

I think you need to control the narrative as much as possible. If you leave without saying why, she will talk to him about it, and he will fill in the blanks, and could say anything about you which could get back to other clients.

Babyfg · 13/08/2021 21:24

I think if I was in your position I would forward the messages and say you no longer feel it is appropriate you to work for them. It gives a clear reason and you are still being professional.

However, I don't think you're wrong not messaging. You've done nothing wrong to feel bad about whether you tell the wife or not.

I totally agree with sisterhood...but she probably already knows what a dick he is if he's cocky enough to shit on his own door step like this. I doubt this is his first attempt at playing the field.

Plumtree391 · 13/08/2021 21:25

That does sound creepy, babysitting. Obviously you can't babysit for them again but if you tried to explain why to the wife, it would probably come over as vague. Horrible man.

I don't think much of your boyfriend finding it funny either.

StormcloakNord · 13/08/2021 21:26

You need to forward the message. I'm sick of men getting off with this shit.

If you do nothing she continues to be married to a sleazey disgusting man, and you lose out on much needed income.

You both lose out, he doesn't.

Send the messages, then block and delete them both and leave him to get his comeuppance

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/08/2021 21:29

Show the messages to your father, and ask him to handle it. Men don't mess with women when there's an angry Dad about.

VodkaSlimline · 13/08/2021 21:29

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?

Nousernameforme · 13/08/2021 21:29

Another one for showing her the screenshots. Apologise and say you can't work for them anymore and here is why. Block him and don't let her try and win you round as you will not be safe with him once he knows you won't put up with his nonsense.

DowntonCrabby · 13/08/2021 21:29

I’d screenshot and send the lot to his wife.
Poor woman.

Hope you’re OK OP, he’s scum Flowers

Shadedog · 13/08/2021 21:30

I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it

I wonder if they are willing to pay extra because it’s so hard for them to keep a sitter.

I think I would block him and if she asks you to sit again then decline. You should tell her, both for her sake and for the next sitter who will be in your position in a few months time, but totally understandable if you don’t want to be involved.

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