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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 16/08/2021 08:09

Also if you keep quiet he might spin the line that you tried it on with him and then you might get blacklisted from the area workwise. Don't let that happen!

Goingdriving · 16/08/2021 08:31

Well done, OP. Such a mature message. I’d have found it very hard to do the right thing in that situation.

dottydodah · 16/08/2021 08:31

I would just block .Do not get involved at all .BTW you have done nothing wrong here! He has probably tried it on with quite a few others at work or wherever . It doesnt matter to him how "beautiful" his wife is or how lovely their DC are .Hes an entitled fuckwit who gets off on stupid power games is all!

LadyEloise1 · 16/08/2021 09:05

That's a really great message from you to the Mum @babysittingNC Thanks

Lovelybottom · 16/08/2021 10:03

That poor woman but you were absolutely right to tell her OP, well done .

MrsJuliaGulia · 16/08/2021 14:20

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife.
I don't think it's your place to tell her.
Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/08/2021 14:29

I think you handled that beautifully. I'm glad you told her, I'd want to know.

Sampafie · 16/08/2021 14:41

@MrsJuliaGulia her husband did that, you might want to re read the OPs posts

SamiReed1 · 16/08/2021 14:56

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

@MrsJuliaGulia Are you serious with that sexist bs? The only one responsible for ruining her life is the DP. No one else! The OP is responsible for saving the woman's life and giving her the truth, with which she can use to make wise and informed decisions. Stop with the misogyny.
QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 15:33

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

🤣😂

behave

TwooThirty · 16/08/2021 16:01

Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?
What a very skewed view! Are you ok @MrsJuliaGulia ?

PinniGig · 16/08/2021 16:12

@Isthisit22 Was just about to say the same about not feeling the need to explain, justify or confirm she diidn't do anything to "ask for it" but you beat me to it. I felt actually quite sad to read that little addition cos it reads like OP genuinely felt it needed to be clarified cos it's one some will be thinking it Sad

He sounds a real 1970's sort of creepy pervy wanker and I suspect was dipping a proverbial toe when he handed you the money and then snatched it back to see whether you pick up what he was doing or trying to do and think your response was enough and will keep him from doing it again or at least not anytime soon. That will have pissed all over his chips and be something he's keen to play down as a harmless joke and not mention ever again if he can help it.

Beautifully done by the way I don't think you could have handled him better if you had weeks to plan. Good job Grin

If your boyfriend is aware of what's going on, you are personally comfortable enough to stay put for now and don't feel too intimidated by him, I would maybe carry on as normal like nothing happened but make sure you save ever message, take a screenshot and if he gets anywhere near within your no-no-square and gives that another try, stop what you're doing, grab your stuff and get the fuck out of there straight away. Keep conversation to an absolute minimum and make a concious and even obvious effort to be wherever he isn't.

I wonder if there are any surveillance cameras inside their house you're not aware of cos that would be reassuring for me

ToomuchHeat · 16/08/2021 16:15

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

God I despair
PinniGig · 16/08/2021 16:41

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

Oh wow... Now that sounds like a woman that wished she never knew something and was happier living in blissful ignorance.
Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 16/08/2021 16:51

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

@MrsJuliaGulia

You'd rather your husband tried to fuck the babysitter and you were non the wiser? Why? What? This makes no sense!

And she's not responsible for ruining anyone's life.

ThirdElephant · 16/08/2021 18:31

You'd rather your husband tried to fuck the babysitter and you were non the wiser? Why? What? This makes no sense!

Some people like to ignore the rot until the walls collapse around them. And there are some relationships in which people won't leave regardless of what their partner does. In those, I imagine they'd prefer not to know, since it won't change anything anyway except how they feel about their partner.

Saying that, I'd still tell if I were in OP's situation and still think she did the right thing.

66babe · 16/08/2021 18:40

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

Is this a joke ?
Imnewhere1991 · 16/08/2021 20:02

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

Pull the other one, it's got bells on
Yesitsbess · 16/08/2021 20:23

You've come across really level-headed and thoughtful throughot the whole thread OP. The message was worded perfectly.

lalafafa · 16/08/2021 20:50

well done for sending that OP

Shellady · 16/08/2021 22:21

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

Nope . HE is the only one responsible for ruining the marriage !
Ladybug123 · 16/08/2021 22:28

@MrsJuliaGulia

I am not sure I'd want to hear about it, if I were the wife. I don't think it's your place to tell her. Why do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her life?

For sure I'd keep the evidence and stop babysitting but I certainly wouldn't be telling his wife.

And this is why some men get away with being serial cheats… deep sigh!

Think you’ll find that what the OP has done us potentially saved his fiancée from being even more tied to a man who puts her mental, emotional, physical and sexual health at risk.

AramintaLee · 16/08/2021 22:40

I think you did the right thing OP. I would want to know what kind of man I'm planning to marry... if she goes ahead and marries him, at least she knows what he's like.

cricketmum84 · 17/08/2021 07:44

I was one of the ones saying she already knows what he's like so just resign quietly. But then after finding out they aren't married yet I think you did the right thing.

And the way you worded your message was perfect.

Have you had a response?

frerecoler · 17/08/2021 09:27

@babysittingNC

Also, I haven't done anything to insight this. I have a degree and 9 years experience working with children and families. I'm nothing but professional.

I don't go dressed inappropriately. Usually hair up, no makeup, leggings and a big top! Appropriate clothes for messy childcare duties.

I just wanted to reply to this comment about your dress code, and behaviour. I am a teacher and really do understand where you are coming from, but even if you were swanning around in a bikini, he is not a feeble man who can't resist a female.

He is an adult male and he chooses his responses, conduct and actions.

Your message is excellent, thought through and kind. The only thing I would have done is asked if she wanted the screen shots before sending them. Not every person can deal with that.

But you did the right thing and acted with honour. Thanks