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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to respond to this message

182 replies

bathsh3ba · 13/08/2021 15:44

I'm sure I'm going to get a bunch of 'LTB' responses to this but I'm not going to do that just yet so would really appreciate some suggestions of the best way to reply.

Known this guy about 3 months. For context, we are both long-time divorced and haven't dated since our divorces. We were both cheated on. We are both very cautious and he is exceptionally so and very indecisive (this comes out in other parts of his life as well).

During these 3 months we've effectively been dating but we haven't really put a label on it. With the exception of the periods I'm about to describe, we message several times a day, see each other once or twice a week. He is lovely in the vast majority of ways and I have fallen for him. He has always been extremely respectful apart from see below.

The big problem is that his response to any perceived conflict or any difficult feelings is not just to go into his man cave but to disappear. Basically, he blocks me for a few days. Then he comes back and apologises - but obviously it has its effect on me. It happened twice earlier in the year before we actually met (so before the 3 month clock started), then once three weeks ago, and then again just now, but this time is a little different.

When he came back 3 weeks ago he was clearly still very anxious. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship but he wanted to be friends. He also told me I 'should date other people'. I didn't want to lose him so I agreed but we quickly slipped back into effectively dating, so we had a conversation and agreed we 'wouldn't call it dating but we were obviously more than friends'.

Things were going well, we were getting closer, then he clearly got anxious again and started backing off saying he felt pressured (but didn't block me). So in what I can only describe as a fit of pique, I re-registered on the dating site, thinking 'well, he told me to date....'.

About ten minutes later, I get a text saying he has seen me on there and wishes me luck and immediately I'm blocked.

However, this time he didn't block me on Messenger so I got hold of him on there and asked what on earth was going on. It turned out that he thought that after our conversation about being more than friends we would be exclusive. He had suspended his profile but got an email to say I had logged on, so logged on and saw me and he now feels I was deceitful and unfaithful and he doesn't know if he can trust me.

That was Monday. Since then, I remain blocked on everything except Messenger but he is talking to me sporadically on there. He says he is sorry he has made such a fuss but it's a big deal to him and he doesn't know what he wants to do. Most recently, I just asked if he was okay and he replied that he thought he was and asked if I was.

Do I tell him the truth, that I'm not okay? Do I issue some kind of ultimatum? Or do I just give him time?

I'm not going to block him because I don't block people unless they're harassing me repeatedly. And I'm not going to ignore him because I'm not rude.

OP posts:
2021V2 · 13/08/2021 16:33

@fallfallfall

Honestly do you really not see that 1) he’s on the dating site and 2) enjoying life without you 50% of the time. He’s casting a wider net and probably has another or a few other ladies he’s working. Your wasting your time.
He knows you are on there because he is.

He blocks you and withdraws -he's a total and utter knob child.

Move on.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 13/08/2021 16:33

You're making is massively clear that your bar is extremely low... What incentive is there for him to change? And why are you happy to feel like shit so often? Honestly, three months is it? This is not what good relationships feel like at three months.

YouJustDoYou · 13/08/2021 16:35

Dear God, it's like he's 13 years old. Fuck that.

notacooldad · 13/08/2021 16:38

Well if you want a load of drama and uncertainty in your life stick with him!
Personally I like a much simpler, uncomplicated time.

WillowintheUK · 13/08/2021 16:39

Ditch him. He’s behaving like a teenager.

Tibtab · 13/08/2021 16:40

This is him at his best, at the beginning of dating when you try and impress each other. Not worth the stress!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 16:40

Jesus. Three months of sulks and drama.
And you actively want more of it?

Vallmo47 · 13/08/2021 16:42

You don’t want advice like the genuinely concerned posters having shared their views above….
But honestly, if this was a friend of yours being treated in this manner, what would you say to them?

There’s no way he received an email you are still active. This seems to be how he’s going to play your ‘relationship’. If you want this scenario on rinse/repeat, feel free to message him something like this….

“I’m sorry you thought I was being deceitful, when I’m actually very confused and hurt by your behaviour. I simply don’t know where we stand. If you would like to give this relationship a go, we will take it slow and neither of us will be dating anyone else. But I will not stand for you ever blocking/backing off me again. The ball is in your court now, let me know what you decide.”

SnarkyBag · 13/08/2021 16:44

Meh the only sensible advice is to ditch him but you don’t want to so you must be getting a kick out this nonsense in some way which is fine if you like that sort of thing. Pointless asking for advice though if you plan on staying involved anyone with standards would walk away

IndieTara · 13/08/2021 16:47

This will not end well. He's already got you dangling under the guise of his anxiety. If you like him by all means see him casually but take his advice and date others too.

IReallyCantThinkOfAnything · 13/08/2021 16:47

I smell a nasty little rat. He’s lying about getting the dating app email and he’s blocking you every five minutes. Fuck him off.

You seem nice and can do better than this player. Don’t be naive.

TiredButDancing · 13/08/2021 16:47

1 he's a liar (see comments re "email that you logged on". )

2 he's ensuring that you never do anything you don't like by blocking you each time so that you will modify your behaviour accordingly.

3 he's using victim mentality to make you feel sorry for him (he's anxious, hurt because his wife cheated on him etc etc - and for the record, I'd be suspicious about whether his wife really DID cheat on him).

Not clear to me what the good points of this man are.

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 13/08/2021 16:49

It happened twice earlier in the year before we actually met

And yet you still chose to meet up with him Confused

Lolabray · 13/08/2021 16:50

Three months in and he’s doing that and then blocking you left right and centre.. but doesn’t want to date ..but is lovely but will sleep with you i presume, if things aren’t going his way he tells you to go then when you go on a dating site your blocked. That man needs to sort his head out and you to raise your expectations and boundaries this is not good for your self esteem lady.

Sparklfairy · 13/08/2021 16:53

It sounds like he blocks you everytime someone better comes along, then they ditch him and he comes crawling back to you. Why are you settling for his crumbs, never knowing when he's going to vanish again?? This really is no way to live.

Oh, and ask to see that 'email' saying you'd logged on Wink

TooBigForMyBoots · 13/08/2021 16:56

Stay in a relationship with this melter and keep giving him chances@bathsh3ba. He'll treat you like shit, tell you loads of lies and cheat on you. He will not change, he doesn't want to or need to.

So I suggest you continue pandering to him. Good luck.

Lolabray · 13/08/2021 16:59

And sometimes our head and heart tell us different- I know it can hurt

Duckypoohs · 13/08/2021 17:01

Classic intermittent reinforcement, this has the potential to really fuck up your head. He knows what he's doing, he's an attention seeking headcase who will screw with you until you have nothing left to offer. Block him and keep him blocked, nothing good can come of this drama llama.

Orgasmagorical · 13/08/2021 17:03

If you're having to ask a bunch of randoms, you know deep down the answer.

Don't tell him the truth, if you have any sort of relationship with him he will use it against you.

You are worth so much more Flowers

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 13/08/2021 17:06

If you're having to ask a bunch of randoms, you know deep down the answer.
Especially if you have to preface your post with a request for no answers that you don't want to hear...

ShellyShore · 13/08/2021 17:11

Bloody hell he's a strange bird and no mistake.

Are you sure his ex isn't tied up in his basement, op?

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 17:14

Out of interest why did you think you’d get kids of LTB answers? Because you know it’s not right, or because you think people on mumsnet are too fast to respond that way?

Honestly though if you’re struggling to end something that’s causing you distress after such a short period of time, do you really think this relationship is in your best interests?

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 17:14

Loads not kids! Hmm

ExpressDelivery · 13/08/2021 17:15

Why do you want this in your life?

2389Champ · 13/08/2021 17:16

@Duckypoohs

Classic intermittent reinforcement, this has the potential to really fuck up your head. He knows what he's doing, he's an attention seeking headcase who will screw with you until you have nothing left to offer. Block him and keep him blocked, nothing good can come of this drama llama.
Absolutely spot on. I had a relationship with a man just like this years ago before the age of technology, but he did a similar thing. After, what I thought was a great day together, he dropped me off at my place and said he “needed to go home alone to think about whether he really loved me” I should have said there and then, if you really loved me, you wouldn’t need to have to think about it so piss off.Unfortunately, I went home and wept buckets feeling that I was the one at fault and “must try harder”

I bloody married him and it was a disaster. He blamed me for every fault in HIS character. Apparently, MY behaviour made him act a certain way. He would sulk or withdraw for days and if I tried to find out why, apparently I should “know what I had done to cause it” A master manipulator.

Please, run for the hills. You are worth so much more - he’s trying to get you to dance to his tune.

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