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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
crikey456 · 13/08/2021 08:57

It is a little bit odd.

I think if he had just said he thought you looked hot in a certain top that he'd seen a pic of you in, then I wouldn't think anything of it. It's a bit weird that he's looked through all the pics and decided which skirt would go with it, but could it just be that he means that both items look great on you. Maybe you are right with the language differences.

He could have meant it quite innocently but it's come out like he's a stalker.

I think go with your gut. No harm in meeting him the once and if he seems nuts then sack it off.

knittingaddict · 13/08/2021 08:59

I didn't say that the Mars bar eater is abusive. I said it's important to heed your own red flags, regardless of what the world tells you is or isn't a 'red flag' behaviour.

There are a set of behaviours that are abusive, absolutely. But you can put your own red flags anywhere you please. A worthy partner will respect them and be supportive of you, even if they're in unusual places. 'I'd like to understand more about this Mars bar thing, can we talk about it?', for example, rather than 'Don't be stupid, it's just a Mars bar.'

Recognising that you can have your own set of red flags that's different to everybody else's is to recognise your autonomy, your own personal boundaries, and the fact that, other than laws, there is no external set of rules for us to refer to, so we have to go on what we feel.

A weird phobia about Mars bars is not a red flag

I agree. Your feeling about your partners response to your phobia is.

You don't understand what red flags are, so pleaase stop using this term. You run the risk of confusing people at a vulnerable time in their lives.

Breastfeedingworries · 13/08/2021 09:01

I think it’s important to remember there’s a chain, so the people ahead may be offered something else they bid on and wanted more. I ended up in the first house I bid on and I’d came 9th. I used to think each week those other houses had someone in but that isn’t the case, you can be offered one you forgot all about. Happened in my case. I love my house, great rural location outstanding local school. I’ve lucked out in many ways. Hope to buy my house when my situation changes. Hope that helps.

Breastfeedingworries · 13/08/2021 09:01

Sorry wrong thread gah

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 09:03

Just be aware that abusers are clever . He may not react if you don’t wear his outfit this time, it doesn’t mean that he won’t try a different tact next time. Why even bother risking it?

This. All the posters saying meet him in a different outfit and see his reaction. He's not going to react badly. Not yet. He'll save that for later once the feet are a bit more under the table. For now he's just testing boundaries (or is just a clueless creep, presumably like @Danceswithwhippets ) Neither are a good option for a date anyway

Benjispruce5 · 13/08/2021 09:04

I think possibly a cultural difference going on here. If you want to still meet, wear something different and see how he responds.

wewereliars · 13/08/2021 09:04

I would not meet him OP.

This is a probable lose lose for you.

Wear what he's asked and he sees you as a good prospect, don't and he may see you as a challenge.

In the second case, he may be pissed of with you and that will be that but if you are unlucky he will up his game and reel you in further.

Womn are constantly pressured to overlook their instincts and give men a chance. You do not know this man. Listen to your instincts and save yourself a lot of potential pain.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 13/08/2021 09:07

The hills are that way, run for them………

Happymum12345 · 13/08/2021 09:07

Do not go. This is absolutely the beginning of a controlling relationship. No, no, no.

labazslovesliving · 13/08/2021 09:09

weirdo no one has the right to ask for such a request particularly on a first date

Sakurami · 13/08/2021 09:09

Woah. For a start, he shouldn't care what you wear, he's meeting you to get to know you. Women tend to wear appropriate clothing for the occasion.

I like to decide what to wear and I'm certainly not going to have a stranger dictate to me what to wear. And the very fact that he seems to be so focused on that would tell me perfectly that for him, this is about looks/sex and not about you and who you are.

And he doesn't even have the nouse to wait a bit longer before you fulfill his fantasies.

So in short. I wouldn't meet him.

ScatteredMama82 · 13/08/2021 09:12

I wouldn't meet any man who thought it was acceptable to tell me what to wear. I wouldn't even consider going in a different outfit, as if he thinks that is acceptable behaviour he's not for me.

My DH of 14 years wouldn't even say that! He might say he likes a certain outfit, but he wouldn't dream of telling me what to wear. That's so weird.

FindTheTruth · 13/08/2021 09:12

OP, you are a whole, person, a being, a mind, a soul and an intelligent person with your whole life in front of you. do you want invest YOU into someone seeing you as a role, an outfit? who will limit you, hold you back? life is about relationships. And, a healthy life is all about healthy relationships.How you judge others is how you treat them and it precedes how you enter into relationship with them.

Summerbreeze4 · 13/08/2021 09:13

Red flag, you are not an object to look sexy for him. This is first date ffs, it shouldn’t matter what you were.

This would be a no no for me.

2020isnotbehaving · 13/08/2021 09:19

To be honest it just sounds like he’s been spanking one off to your photo and wants to see his fantasy come off in real life Envy

WhatMattersMost · 13/08/2021 09:19

He wants you to look a particular way.

This means that there's a mould in his mind's eye that he's going to want you to fit, which will inevitably involve a whole lot of contortions, pain, and disappointment.

He's sexy, isn't he? That's why you're contemplating doing this for him. Don't be taken in. Be yourself - that will filter out all of those men who don't want you/want you to be someone you're not.

Unsubscribed · 13/08/2021 09:22

At a stretch and if there's a language difference he might think its a complement saying he liked the outfit Confused
But my gut, like most posters is that it's weird and a red flag.
I wouldn't go OP .

Sorry it must be disappointing when you've invested time already, but something is wrong here.

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 09:23

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Re red flags, and staying with the mars bar thing-

Having a bad reaction to someone eating a mars bar because your abuser ate them is not a red flag. It's a 'trigger'.

A red flag would be someone eating mars bars who demands that you eat them, refuses to accept that you don't want one and sulks or insults you for refusing, or someone who knows that mars bar eating distresses you and buys and eats them in front of you in order to upset you and laughs at you when you get upset and says things like oh it's only a mars bar, why are you being stupid?

If a behaviour causes a bad reaction in you due to your past trauma but is not in itself abusive (such as simply eating a mars bar) then it is in no way a red flag because red flags aren't your feelings about normal behaviours that they remind you of something traumatic in your life. They're another person's behaviours that are objectively indicators of an abusive nature.

If something triggers you, it is a red flag to you.

If someone triggers you at the first date stage, that's a red flag to you. 'Red flag' means 'do not go forward', it doesn't mean 'this person is abusing you'. 'Red flag' means 'you instinctively have a boundary here; don't ignore it, don't let anybody else ignore it, and get away from anybody who thinks it's ok to ignore it.'

This was enormously helpful to me when leaving an abusive relationship, and has changed the way some of my friendships work, too. It's my opinion. It's not about having a bun fight about what a 'red flag' is. I'm suggesting an interpretation to OP that may be helpful to her. Quibbling over specifics risks derailing the thread.

We are all saying the same thing; if your spidey senses are making you feel wierd about this guy's behaviour, distance yourself from him.

OrchestraOfWankery · 13/08/2021 09:27

@2020isnotbehaving

To be honest it just sounds like he’s been spanking one off to your photo and wants to see his fantasy come off in real life Envy
Yes, ugh.

Unwise to let strangers have full access to your SM.

Samosamo · 13/08/2021 09:30

I'd still go, but wear whatever I liked and if he was funny about it I'd leave the date.

it is nice to be out with someone and KNOW they fancy the pants off you because of how you look. It is NOT good at all to be with someone down the line who puts your clothes out for you everyday on the bed and if you don't wear them he'll physically or emotionally abuse you. At this point you just don't know which one.

I dated a guy once who told me before we'd ever had sex that he like women to have full bush, he didn't like it shaved down there (he came of sexual age in the early 80s, before porn was EVERYWHERE). I was not a shaver at that time so it suited me, but I just didn't;t like the way he informed me of that, as though he expected me to change my behaviour in line with it if necessary.

Look, I was young and curious, we slept together once of twice, but then I wondered off elsewhere. That was never going to run long term for me.

SamVimes6 · 13/08/2021 09:33

Turn up wearing something else. Judge him on how he reacts to that. If he keeps going on about you not wearing the skirt he likes, he’s controlling. If he laughs it off and says “I really thought that pencil skirt looked smart/pretty/sexy or whatever then he starts talking about favourite bands, childhood, funny anecdotes etc then you can decide if you want to see him again.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/08/2021 09:34

Nutcase - however much he ticks other boxes DO NOT meet. He’s “testing” every woman he meets to see who he can control 🤮

This!

knittingaddict · 13/08/2021 09:34

If someone triggers you at the first date stage, that's a red flag to you. 'Red flag' means 'do not go forward', it doesn't mean 'this person is abusing you'. 'Red flag' means 'you instinctively have a boundary here; don't ignore it, don't let anybody else ignore it, and get away from anybody who thinks it's ok to ignore it.'

TheFoundations that's not what you said in your previous posts and you've only added that after other people pointed out what a red flag was. In your first post you said that the very act of eating a Mars bar was a red flag. It is not. It is trigger. Please don't pretend that you know what you are talking about. You don't.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 13/08/2021 09:35

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

There's no communication issue, he just sounds creepy. Follow your gut instinct!
viques · 13/08/2021 09:36

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

I don’t think there is any communication doubt at all on his part. He wants you to wear something “sexy” because he finds it a turn on. Instead of sitting having a drink and getting to know each other better, his thoughts will be concentrated on what is in his pants - and what is in yours.

What do you think he does at home when he looks at the pictures you have sent him in your “ sexy” outfit?