Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

[Unhappt]

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

This feels so hard. I’m so sad.

It will do, OP. I’m so sorry. Your situation really struck a chord as I’ve been there, even down to the almost instant regret and feeling of having made a mistake. It’s not just this one occasion, it’s many, many over time and it just erodes self esteem until you become happy with less and less.

How have you left it between you?

@Flyinggeese1 it was getting really late and we both just said night amicably. He didn’t fight to say of course you’re welcome on Sunday night so you don’t need to drive on a weekend and we can have some time together after two weeks apart. He couldn’t manage that. Just said he missed me and loved me. He doesn’t want anything real and I have to accept that somehow

It’s just rubbish isn’t it? Don’t accept scraps though if you want a full relationship.

Have you told him it’s over?

I keep thinking what if I had just said ok to Sunday and left when he wanted, we’d still be together.
But you wouldn't have been 'together'. You would have remained stuck in the limbo of low-commitment relationship that suits him. You just don't want the same things; there's no way to square this circle.

You've definitely done the right thing! He's not into you. At all. You deserve so much better. Block and move on.

You are never going to get commitment, marriage and kids with this guy. You’re just wasting time. It’s time for head over heart. Find someone you can get all those things from, they are out there and you will feel loved and special. This guy talks love with his actions don’t follow

You are sadly trying to rationalise or understand his behaviour. There's no point. He's entitled to his view and his preference. But it's just not compatible with yours. That's it really.

You need to break this off and forget him. Take time for yourself and move on.

Do not allow him to reel you back in. He’ll only keep doing the exact same thing and you’ll feel worse and worse.
It’s a tough lesson but an important one - he would make time for you if he was that bothered. He would look forward to seeing you and make an effort.
Was this the doctor or the hand-delivered book or the caravan thread from before?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Was your relationship exclusive?

That was my first thought. Either he's not that into you, or he's seeing other people. You have done the right thing, don't waste any more of your time and energy on him.

You were together over a year and it was still wishy washy. By that stage it should be more solid. How many years would you waste hoping one day he'll eventually have both feet in?
You've done the right thing and it's good that you're not staying over. It would only add to the heartache because it wouldn't improve the situation.

You have absolutely done the right thing. Imagine being treated like this in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s. No ta.

I know this probably won't help and it's soo hard to see ( been there), but it's his loss.

It took me a long time to realise that they have lost someone who loves them, and wants to care for them. We have lost someone half in half out who made us anxious.

You sound like a lovely person....better than this dude.

You’re flogging a dead horse.

As you’ve recognised, you missed huge red flags.
He’s not that into you. You’re now wasting yet more of your time, energy and opportunities to date someone much better, and (if you want DC) fertility is a factor too.

Thinking of suggesting living together when he’s shown you such little regard shows poor judgment.

The option here with the best prospects for you to feel better fastest is to end the relationship and stop interacting with him, now.

OP hasn’t ‘done the right thing’: she hasn’t ended the relationship. Simply expressed her upset. In response her bf is offering crumbs and ‘future faking’.

@Dozer

OP hasn’t ‘done the right thing’: she hasn’t ended the relationship. Simply expressed her upset. In response her bf is offering crumbs and ‘future faking’.

Sadly I think you're right. There'll be another thread in a month or so...

[quote Unhappt]@Flyinggeese1 it was getting really late and we both just said night amicably. He didn’t fight to say of course you’re welcome on Sunday night so you don’t need to drive on a weekend and we can have some time together after two weeks apart. He couldn’t manage that. Just said he missed me and loved me. He doesn’t want anything real and I have to accept that somehow[/quote]
So @Unhappt how are you today? When you left things last night is he under the impression that you've split up or that you're annoyed with the situation and the ball's in his court to change thing?

You did the right thing. My sil stayed with a guy for about 10 years, they were engaged but never lived together. He couldn't commit. One day she said at my age I thought I would have children. She was 40. He said I don't think I want kids. They stayed together a little longer. She cooked them both a meal one night, and she said so where are we going? Are we getting married or what? He put his cutlery down, stood up and walked out. She never heard from him again. She met another guy who has a daughter. She doesn't have children of her own but is great with her and is happy.