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Original poster

Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

168 replies

Unhappt · 11/08/2021 12:47

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

OP posts:
Badgersdrift · 11/08/2021 14:06

@Unhappt

No I saw him every weekend. There wasn’t anyone else.
Oh sorry op. I got the wrong impression and thought he was being difficult to pin down.
crasscloud · 11/08/2021 14:08

How horrid. Not worth it.

He's either not that fussed or is managing you plus some addiction.

Jonjojobs123 · 11/08/2021 14:10

How did he react to you ending things?

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 14:14

@Jonjojobs123 he said he couldn’t talk about this now as he was going into work. Fair enough. I’ve not heard from him since.

I’m just sad and second guessing myself I think. I really love him. He’s not interested in being a couple though I don’t think

OP posts:
bettertimesarecomingnow · 11/08/2021 14:17

You've definitely done the right thing. You aren't his priority and you should be!

We have spent every day together almost since the day we met and I would be gutted if after not seeing dp for a few days he didn't think it was 'convenient' for me to stay over.

Total bollocks. He isn't up for the kind of relationship you want - so find someone who is

Sorry op

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 14:19

@bettertimesarecomingnow I just didn’t understand it when he said it and he didn’t seem to get why I was upset. I’m was obviously just something he picked off the shelf when it suited and now it’s time for me to be back in my box again. I’m so gutted I really loved the man.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 11/08/2021 14:32

I thought he was serious about us.

But why did you think that? It is very clear from your OP that you were little more than a booty call. Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it comes across, and your subsequent posts cement that perception.

Please, whatever you do, stop wavering and do not give in if by any chance he tries to rope you back in with a few sweet words and tempting promises. You have got to be strong and look after yourself. I fear that if you weaken you'll just end up more anxious and despondent.

(Incidentally, what were you told when you posted about this man back in February?)

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/08/2021 14:33

You did the right thing. Dont settle for that.

HollowTalk · 11/08/2021 14:49

He's very half-hearted, isn't he? I think you made the right decision.

Dozer · 11/08/2021 14:50

Would reflect on why you stayed in this relationship for this long!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/08/2021 14:53

Not seen you for 2 weeks... It wouldn't be a rest most men would be after.
.
You have had a lucky escape op. He would never have you up there as his priority..
And you deserve to be one.

godmum56 · 11/08/2021 14:54

Honestly.....I don't think you can have really loved him because you didn't really know him...you might have loved who you thought he was or (and excuse me) you might have loved the persona that you built for yourself...or were you in love with the idea of being in love?

It doesn't sound like his behaviour has changed..you say the way he behaved about being proactive made you feel like shit so how can you have loved him?

Looks to me like you were sleepwalking into disaster and had a lucky awakening.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 11/08/2021 14:57

Adding to the chorus of you did the right thing.
Just read over what you said about him making you feel shit, that's all you need to know really.
Good for you for having good boundaries and not settling for crap FlowersWine

ChristinaMarlowe · 11/08/2021 14:58

You have done the right thing. He is not serious about you or committed, perhaps he is just like that but clearly you want more, a proper relationship as it were rather than this casual arrangement. Sounds more like friends with benefits to me. Well done for putting your foot down, I think 12 mo this is long enough to know whether you want to have a real relationship with someone or not, he made his choice clear so you made yours, makes perfect sense. It is sad when things end but it was never going to “blossom” into something more after all this time. He may just be the bachelor type, it’s no reflection on you. You are now free to meet someone you are able to have a future with now which is exciting and a positive thing, you won’t be this confused for long, it’s just a natural stage after making a big decision. Good luck :)

goldfinchfan · 11/08/2021 15:21

you have done the correct decision.
You deserve to be with a partner that make you feel good. who shows he wants to spend his time with you.

You are hurting now but you are leaving the door open for a new and better relationship.

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 15:22

Keep thinking is it a big deal he wanted time alone and maybe it’s unfair I suddenly suggest a closer day last minute

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2021 15:25

Of course you did the right thing, this relationship was going absolutely nowhere. Time to move on.

larkstar · 11/08/2021 15:27

@ChristinaMarlowe hit that one out of the park.
@Unhappt - go and read her reply again.

Now go and find the right guy for you, don't look back and don't settle for anything less than exactly what you want - don't sell yourself short. You will be stronger for walking away, for letting your head rule your heart. I also thought it sounds like a FWB arrangement for him and he will basically just say what he thinks you want to hear to have that and keep it that way. The old mantra - action speaks louder than words.

One of my DD's finished her degree and was prepared to commit to go to London to work simply because that's where her BF of 18 months had started work - she really didn't want to go there but would have done because she was committed to the relationship - all of a sudden he wasn't sure about where they were headed - news to her because up until this point he had said all the right things - anyway she gave him a month to mull things over and he never replied so she ditched him - a real head ruling heart decision - it was not easy for her - she was disappointed more than upset but was still upset. In the 6 weeks after finishing her degree she hit Tinder with a profile that laid out exactly what she was and was not looking for - I hate parties, clubs, going out, noisy places, crowds, I don't dress up/wear make-up - I want someone minimum of 6ft tall, degree qualified or above, job - I'm a long distance runner so I want someone who exercises regularly but doesn't spend their life down the gym or looking in a mirror, etc - she just said exactly what she was looking for - I sat with her and it was really amusing watching her scroll through - dismissing guys in an instant - sat on bonnet of car (loves his car too much) , gold chain/big watch (loves himself too much), can't spell, etc after half a dozen dates she found the guy she is still with 5 years on - lovely guy - I was impressed with the way she went about it - takes no nonsense, everything up front. Her old bf occasionally messaged her afterwards - it seems he had some feelings of regret about not just the way they broke up but actually not being together but of course it was too late - she'd already found someone infinitely better to be with.

Sakurami · 11/08/2021 15:35

Yep you did the right thing. Next time, be more like lakstars daughter and know what you want and ditch anyone falling short on that.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 11/08/2021 15:38

Flowers he's telling you very clearly he doesn't want the commitment.
I would walk with my head held high. You are 35. No point wasting time with him (he's not exactly passionate is he or offering a lot)

Whatwouldnanado · 11/08/2021 15:39

You deserve better! Chin up and move on. His happiness is not your responsibility. Catch up with other friends, start a new hobby, focus on work. Enjoy your own company.

ShipshapeShore · 11/08/2021 15:41

The planning to rest thing stood out for me. He sounds like the type of man who likes to put his own wants and comforts first. We all like some downtime but this just seems quite self indulgent to me! I think you've done the right thing. I'm sorry that you're hurting though 💐

peachgreen · 11/08/2021 15:43

You did the right thing. Even if him wanting space etc is just part of his personality, it doesn't align with what you want. It couldn't have worked. The right guy will be eager to see you as much as possible.

Martianworld · 11/08/2021 15:45

I think you just want different things from a relationship. He's ooking for a companion girlfriend. You're looking for a husband. I'm like him, happy to be on my own but like someone to do stuff with from time to time. Neither of you are wrong, unless either of you is misleading the other, but if you want more than he's prepared to offer, you're definitely right to end it and move on. Look at it as temporary pain for long term gain.

TableTops85537 · 11/08/2021 15:46

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you’re being a bit rash, OP.

You said you see him every weekend? That doesn’t sound particularly bad to me. How often would you want to see him?

And maybe I just am used to being single too (although I’m not at the moment), but if I’d just got home from a two week trip with work I think I’d want to unpack, laze on the sofa and chill. Decompress I guess. I wouldn’t be too happy if my boyfriend tried to invite himself to stay that night.