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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

168 replies

Unhappt · 11/08/2021 12:47

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 15:46

Thanks I know you are all right. I’m just so so sad. I feel so lost. I’m the only one single in my group of friends. It feels lonely and scary. I’m so sad. Struggling to work today too.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 11/08/2021 15:52

I would give him another chance, some men are just like this but if he feels right in every other aspect.. and you really love him. Could you have a frank sit down chat and lay out what you expect?

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 15:55

@CookPassBabtridge I don’t know. What do I do if he says let’s meet at the weekend, just accept he’s rejected the idea of seeing me tomorrow night after two weeks apart? And me offering to have travelled over? I feel like he just does not care. He works shifts and I will often ask which days would be good for us to see each other in the week…it is like pulling teeth. Yet despite this he will, if asked, say of course he wants a committed relationship of course he is serious about us, of course this matters etc etc.

OP posts:
Kylereese · 11/08/2021 15:58

You’ve done the right thing. After the first few months of they just aren’t into me to the extent they want to be with me a lot and take every opportunity you’re never going to force him into it so find someone who makes you their world and don’t settle for anything less

Balonzette · 11/08/2021 15:59

You've done the right thing! Don't backtrack or you'll end up wasting time and energy and hope and love on someone who doesn't see you as a priority. You won't be happy, you will be insecure and sad until it's finally over. Better to end it now, then waste more time, get more attached, feel more disappointed. I know it's SO hard but being strong is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Future-you will be eternally grateful!

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2021 16:01

All the things he said were just bulkshit. His actions showed you what you needed to know, and it was that he really couldn't be arsed.

MessyLifeCleanHouse · 11/08/2021 16:07

Does he know you have broken up with him ?

Catchthepigeons · 11/08/2021 16:08

You only get one life op. Dump him and find someone who can't live without you.

billy1966 · 11/08/2021 16:09

You have done the right thing.

He is suiting himself.

If you feel yourself wavering, think how you will feel this time next year in the same situation.

Move on to someone who is excited about you and being with you.

He likes his own space too much and is jusy not that into you.

Sorry.Flowers

RandomMess · 11/08/2021 16:10

Seeing you isn't a priority to him.

He could have said "would be great for you to come over but I'll be tired so I'll need it to be an early night"

godmum56 · 11/08/2021 16:12

@TableTops85537

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you’re being a bit rash, OP.

You said you see him every weekend? That doesn’t sound particularly bad to me. How often would you want to see him?

And maybe I just am used to being single too (although I’m not at the moment), but if I’d just got home from a two week trip with work I think I’d want to unpack, laze on the sofa and chill. Decompress I guess. I wouldn’t be too happy if my boyfriend tried to invite himself to stay that night.

I don't think its a question of being rash/right/wrong There is an expectations disconnect here and these things don't go away.
FAQs · 11/08/2021 16:17

@TableTops85537

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you’re being a bit rash, OP.

You said you see him every weekend? That doesn’t sound particularly bad to me. How often would you want to see him?

And maybe I just am used to being single too (although I’m not at the moment), but if I’d just got home from a two week trip with work I think I’d want to unpack, laze on the sofa and chill. Decompress I guess. I wouldn’t be too happy if my boyfriend tried to invite himself to stay that night.

Agree with this, and he did want to see you, you’re just different people.
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 11/08/2021 16:17

'Planned to rest at the weekend'? Bloody hell. It hardly overflows with enthusiasm for your company, does it?

You've done the right thing OP. Don't contact him. If he asks about meeting up, say 'No, I don't think we're on the same page about our relationship so I want to move on.'

DeclineandFall · 11/08/2021 16:27

You only feel you're really in love with him as he has been pretty rubbish at committing- all the highs and lows of this relationship is a massive headfuck. Like a gambler that only gets hooked because they don't win everytime. You have absolutely done the right thing.

YukoandHiro · 11/08/2021 16:30

You say you never felt like a team. He was making you unhappy because he made you feel like an extra in his life not a key part of it. Youve absolutely done the right thing. You've given yourself the chance of a rewarding relationship or happiness on your own , and you're leaving this pain behind.

There's no need to feel lonely. There's a newsletter and FB group called The Single Supplement which is for single women and you'll find lots of people on there who are single and happy in their 30s and beyond

Goldsnow · 11/08/2021 16:53

His first relationship?

Fustyoldface · 11/08/2021 16:54

He sounds really set in his ways and treating you like a doll in a box. I know because I've been dealing with a similar situation. Go off his actions, maybe like me you have projected a persona onto him. Mine won't talk about:
marriage
living together
anything

Only wants days out when suits him.

Get out.

Chachachawoo · 11/08/2021 16:56

@16purplecolour16

It made me feel shit - there’s your mantra for moving on. Flowers
Agree with this 100% The ongoing feeling of being pushed back and getting no enthusiasm is exhausting and depressing. This must be so hard. But you can do better
Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 16:59

I treated him so kindly, was always understanding if he needed space or wanted to focus on work. I worked round his timetable when he was in stressful patches at work. I always listened to him if he wanted to chat about something. I supported him no end. I was there for him. I treated him like he was my partner, I respected him and put him first as much as I could. I feel like he’s taken me for granted and thrown it all back in my face.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 11/08/2021 17:03

Fear not. You did the absolute right thing! You sound like a nice person, you deserve better than a half arsed attempt at a relationship!

Poppydot3 · 11/08/2021 17:22

He sounds very detached and doesn’t seem to have understood your expectations in the relationship. You also said it’s his first relationship. Could he be autistic ?

Ritascornershop · 11/08/2021 17:28

The more time we spend with someone who we’re having to coax to contact, to encourage and wait for them to want to be proactive with us, the more our self-esteem erodes. The more our self-esteem erodes, the easier it is to stay looped into this waiting and hoping.

Absolutely jack it in now. He may care for you, but he’ll never show it in a way that feels good to you.

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 17:31

I just can’t believe how cold he can be. I wish I had listened to my gut at the beginning. I thought it really strange he’d never had a proper relationship. He explained it away as if things just hadn’t worked out because his life was so hectic. There’s only room for him in his world. I feel awful and so lonely tonight.

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/08/2021 17:40

You're second guessing yourself for no reason. Whether or not his relationship style might suit some people, it doesn't suit you. You want a more committed relationship and this isn't it. It's time for both of you to move on to find people more suited to your temperaments. To be honest, it sounds like this is somewhat overdue, if you knew you were in love with him but he was lukewarm. One person in the relationship shouldn't have to make all the running.

Beefcurtains79 · 11/08/2021 17:42

He’s not the right one for you, you sound lovely and deserve to have a guy counting down the minutes until he sees you next.