Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

[Unhappt]

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you need your self-respect more than you need this emotionally clueless and selfish individual.

(I was happily single on my 35th birthday, married before my 36th - don't lose hope )

And you just know he won't want to get married and will want children "one day" but "not ever now".

You did the right thing;if I'm honest he seemed very casual towards you.I have to wonder if he was also seeing other women as well as you.

You'll meet someone else;someone who's on the same page as you.

You are NOT old

I always trust my gut feeling TBH. Sounds like you have dodged a bullet there .If someone is this casual best to look elsewhere I think! 36 is not old by any means! You have lots of time to meet someone else and have a family if thats what you want .

@gwilt

'I’ve never felt like we were a team.' You did the right thing.

Totally agree ,sounds like he would always be looking out for something /someone ' better '. You would never be happy with someone that makes you feel like that .

@larkstar How amazing for your DD, BUT, @Unhappt - Not rare!! My exact story. I did (as a 35yr old professional with a child whose father was a partner of 4 yrs; planned said child and then at the 6mth mark “wasn’t feeling it” - Uhuh, direct quote. Met her once at 12 weeks, she is 8 now and he loves 3 miles away: One person’s unclaimed child support is another persons treasure! Never had (or wanted) a bean off the fucker and would rather snog Boris than take a penny now, thanks!)
So I was single, depleted all savings to do that year off work and 100% alone save my lovely Mum, decided to commit to DD and work in that order. No interest in the guys I’d seen around or met organically and not the modern Tinder type, let it be and resigned myself to my Bridget pants and cat.
Friend says one night, do a profile, say EXACTLY what you want and only so much as vet the marchers. Ok. I’d had too much Rosé and went along with the joke. I wanted Lenny Henry (the age he was in the show I had just binge watched - BBC’s ‘Chef!’). I literally typed in the character’s details. Black; 6ft3 or above; working class but masters or more; a Chef(!); everything!
Well. Only one guy hit all the matches for our small part of the country. We have been married for 4 years and not only does he love and has adopted DD1 but we have DD2 who turned 2 last week.
Moral of the story?! MAKE THIS CREEPY DAY AND AGE WE LIVE IN WORK FOR YOU! You CAN order a man like a taxi or a dinner - why order something you are ok with but don’t absolutely crave?!
Nothing else to add. Please value yourself, don’t let Mr Rightnow cock block Mr Right. Especially if you are serious about love and children. What if we really only live once and you’re halfway through?! Go order it while you’re hungry and FFS, do NOT nibble a cheese sandwich while you wait for that devine delicacy to be delivered!

Stay strong OP, he's likely a nice enough guy hence the doubts but you deserve a bit of passion and enthusiasm and that just isn't him. He's set in his ways, I've come across SO many men like him OLD and had a lot of almost-but-not-quite relationships as they're simply happy as they are, alone. It's no reflection on you.

He called last night again and said he wanted to see me, he misses me and loves me. He then said he would need to work Sunday night so he ‘probably couldn’t have me stay Sunday night and what did I think to that?’

I said I was no longer prepared to drive 65 miles on Friday evening traffic, to be told I have to leave Sunday - when I might want a day to do nothing on my weekend or when I might fancy a drink and not want to drive - when we are an established couple and he should be able to work for a few hours while I am in the same place and I can watch tv or have a bath or chat to a friend. I said it wasn’t the mark of a relationship that is going anywhere serious or committed if he felt that wasn’t feasible. I said he’s quite entitled to have something causal but asking your girlfriend (both in your 30s) to leave Sunday afternoon like that isn’t the mark of something committed which is what I thought we both wanted. I even said how on earth would we ever live together if that’s your approach. Silence and he just says that is what he wants with me.

The thing that keeps going round in my head is, is that a reasonable perspective of me to have? Am I going crazy? And I being controlling? I’ve just never experienced this before with anyone. It makes me feel like some toy he gets out when it suits with no consideration to my own driving and time and weekend, let alone the idea that after weeks apart we would spend more than 2 nights together.

So he still wants everything to suit him and for you to magically disappear when he has something else to focus on. Why didn't he offer to come to you and then drive back early Sunday? He expects you to fit around him all the time.

I don't think you're wrong OP. He can want things to work differently, that's his legitimate choice, but it doesn't work for you. And his answer to that seems to be not to look for a compromise, but to say he loves you but then just keep restating the way he wants to do things.

I would broken record 'this isn't working for me. The way you want to live isn't the way I want to live'.

You have done the right thing, it sounds like you expect different things for a relationship. If you have tried and it still isn’t working, walking away is best for everyone. I know it hurts though, I have been there recently and a few months on I still know it was the best thing for us both.

[quote ChristinaMarlowe]**@larkstar* How amazing for your DD, BUT, @Unhappt* - Not rare!! My exact story. I did (as a 35yr old professional with a child whose father was a partner of 4 yrs; planned said child and then at the 6mth mark “wasn’t feeling it” - Uhuh, direct quote. Met her once at 12 weeks, she is 8 now and he loves 3 miles away: One person’s unclaimed child support is another persons treasure! Never had (or wanted) a bean off the fucker and would rather snog Boris than take a penny now, thanks!)
So I was single, depleted all savings to do that year off work and 100% alone save my lovely Mum, decided to commit to DD and work in that order. No interest in the guys I’d seen around or met organically and not the modern Tinder type, let it be and resigned myself to my Bridget pants and cat.
Friend says one night, do a profile, say EXACTLY what you want and only so much as vet the marchers. Ok. I’d had too much Rosé and went along with the joke. I wanted Lenny Henry (the age he was in the show I had just binge watched - BBC’s ‘Chef!’). I literally typed in the character’s details. Black; 6ft3 or above; working class but masters or more; a Chef(!); everything!
Well. Only one guy hit all the matches for our small part of the country. We have been married for 4 years and not only does he love and has adopted DD1 but we have DD2 who turned 2 last week.
Moral of the story?! MAKE THIS CREEPY DAY AND AGE WE LIVE IN WORK FOR YOU! You CAN order a man like a taxi or a dinner - why order something you are ok with but don’t absolutely crave?!
Nothing else to add. Please value yourself, don’t let Mr Rightnow cock block Mr Right. Especially if you are serious about love and children. What if we really only live once and you’re halfway through?! Go order it while you’re hungry and FFS, do NOT nibble a cheese sandwich while you wait for that devine delicacy to be delivered! [/quote]
This is amazing!

"You can order a man like a taxi or dinner" wonderful!

He hasn't listened to a single word you've said, OP.

Hi OP. It doesn't sound great, I'm afraid. I think he might have feelings for you, but not to the extent you thought. When you're in love, you don't miss out on any chances to see your girlfriend. And you like them being in your house when you aren't. If he feels uncomfortable letting you stay in his home when he's working, that's really quite telling.

@TR888 he’s fine with me being in the house without him, I’ve done that lots of times. It’s just strange that he has this line where he wants me to pack my bags on Sunday afternoon and drive home…and for what? We’ve not seen each other for weeks. There’s no issue with him working while I am in the house, there’s lots I could get on with. He just likes things his own way and won’t even give the relationship a chance to grow. Yet tells me he wants a full relationship and wants to settle down

I really wish I had taken his being single his entire life as a big red flag. There is no way anyone who wanted to settle down would want to continue with this. Maybe if they want something causal, sure. But he tells me he doesn’t want that then acts in a completely contradictory way.

And he’s not seeing anyone else. I’m 99% sure of that. He’d probably call me Sunday night for a long chat if I left. It makes me feel so shit.

I’ve also been so understanding of him in the last few weeks, talked endlessly about his work stress and how he is. I’m always there for him and he would say he is always there for me but how can we be in a relationship when he wants such strict rules about time on his own?! He told me he wanted to live with someone and build a life, he told me he wanted that with me.

Please do not regret this decision, as you most likely would have regretted not doing another year down the line when nothing had changed.

To be fair with everyone I have dated, never stayed over Sunday night. You go home and get ready for work the next day. Wash stuff etc.

@burnoutbabe

To be fair with everyone I have dated, never stayed over Sunday night. You go home and get ready for work the next day. Wash stuff etc.

@burnoutbabe at what point would you not do that and stay together longer? Maybe I expect too much.

When we moved in. No one likes a rushed Monday off to work (or back to own hone if working from home)

Ah OP I think you’ve done the right thing.

You need so much more, he’s not meeting your needs and he doesn’t seem to be doing much to compromise or meet you in the middle.

It is really sad when you have to break up with someone you do actually love and enjoy being with (when it’s working) but its just one of those rubbish things that happens to us in life. It’s short term pain for long term gain.

If it helps, I ended a relationship when I was 36, I loved the bones of him and it was a good relationship but it’s wasn’t THE relationship.
I met someone else far more suitable and am so happy, settled and engaged with kids (all within 4 years of meeting).

It’s scary being in your 30s and being single but it’s so much better to do it now than leave it to fester for another 3/4/5 years.

Make a list of all the things you want to do - wkends away with friends, solo travel, new hobby or interest, few new books to read or series to watch and make some plans to keep busy.

I am so sad. I can’t concentrate at work and just feel like it’s all such a mess. I thought we would always be together, it was so easy when together

@Ritascornershop

The more time we spend with someone who we’re having to coax to contact, to encourage and wait for them to want to be proactive with us, the more our self-esteem erodes. The more our self-esteem erodes, the easier it is to stay looped into this waiting and hoping.

Absolutely jack it in now. He may care for you, but he’ll never show it in a way that feels good to you.

This is such good advice. You really don't want to be in a marriage like that

Stay strong OP, you deserve much MUCH better