Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

[Unhappt]

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

I went out with a guy like this, OP. It won't get better and you won't find happiness with him. Even you breaking up with him hasn't been enough to make him compromise on what he wants.

It'll feel shit at first but it's for the best to just go and not look back. Don't waste time trying to force it with this guy when you could be finding someone who's right for you. There's a man out there who wants the same things you do and who will love you and want to merge your lives but you won't find him if you settle for crumbs and stay with this man.

It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it OP? I never know whether it’s easier to end things or be the one getting dumped. Either way it’s rubbish. However it gets better. The first few weeks are absolute hell, it will get easier gradually from there on in. You just have to be strong.

For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing. It is the loss that you are feeling now.

I’m not sure how you left it with him but perhaps he’ll reach out?

@Unhappt always believe people by their actions and not what they say, I’ve fallen for this numerous times! If he wanted to see you more, build a lift etc then he would be more proactive about it.

HI OP I have been in a similar situation a few years ago. What I’d say is just make a clean break. You’ve said in this thread a few times ‘it makes me feel shit’. Listen to your own words. This is not what relationships should be like, certainly not in the first year!

I recognise the burning desire to make it all
OK again and forgive and try again. Believe me, it just a sticking plaster. It kills the pain in a short term way and I think that’s what you need, something from make the pain of this stop. It will, in time, but going back to him is just short term ‘fix’ and not a good idea. You’re just wasting more precious time.

You may also be falling for the sunk cost fallacy…having invested the year and all the memories you have from it. Also grieving for the future you have envisaged. It’s rough as hell. Sorry.

From experience, cut and run. Be very kind to yourself. There will be someone, in time, who you’ll click with and be glad you did this.

I've been there....it's soul destroying.

You did the right thing 100 percent.

If you live 65 miles away from each other, I presume its difficult to stay over at each others and commute to work? So you're never going to live together?I live in my house and I'm happy when my partner goes home and I feel I can relax. I love him but it's my house and I like the energy when it's just me.
But if I were planning marriage and children, I'd have to be in a position to live with someone to see if we we could adjust round each other. If you moved in with him, he might have a completely different attitude. He might find himself settling into a comfiness around you and then you can both see a way ahead. Conversely, you might realise that he just isn't the marrying kind.
Is there no way you both can't move in with each other, maybe living one week at each house just to trial a future. Then you'd be certain what was happening. It's the doubt and uncertainty that kills you.

@Martianworld I would and could easily move in with him. I was going to suggest it this weekend. Seems an absurd idea now though given he didn’t even want to spend Sunday with me.

@Flyinggeese1

HI OP I have been in a similar situation a few years ago. What I’d say is just make a clean break. You’ve said in this thread a few times ‘it makes me feel shit’. Listen to your own words. This is not what relationships should be like, certainly not in the first year!

I recognise the burning desire to make it all
OK again and forgive and try again. Believe me, it just a sticking plaster. It kills the pain in a short term way and I think that’s what you need, something from make the pain of this stop. It will, in time, but going back to him is just short term ‘fix’ and not a good idea. You’re just wasting more precious time.

You may also be falling for the sunk cost fallacy…having invested the year and all the memories you have from it. Also grieving for the future you have envisaged. It’s rough as hell. Sorry.

From experience, cut and run. Be very kind to yourself. There will be someone, in time, who you’ll click with and be glad you did this.

@Flyinggeese1 thanks that’s exactly how I feel. I am so broken. I really thought we were right together. He made me so happy. I just can’t get my head around these boundaries he seems to have with time together. We should be progressing things not limiting things if he wants a full relationship as he claimed to want.

You did the right thing op. While I don't think everyone is ready to move in after a year which seems quite soon to me, I don't think his level of coldness is quite right, nor his inflexibility over the Sunday evening. If he finds it difficult to accommodate a change in arrangements for one night, and combine work with you being there one morning, how is he going to cope with children and working?

Just wondering ... is he very introverted or did he have a rigid, inflexible upbringing? Or a home where his parents changed their schedule to accommodate everything to suit him? Or is he a surgeon or running Glaxosmithkline or something?

@Driftingbees

You did the right thing op. While I don't think everyone is ready to move in after a year which seems quite soon to me, I don't think his level of coldness is quite right, nor his inflexibility over the Sunday evening. If he finds it difficult to accommodate a change in arrangements for one night, and combine work with you being there one morning, how is he going to cope with children and working?

Just wondering ... is he very introverted or did he have a rigid, inflexible upbringing? Or a home where his parents changed their schedule to accommodate everything to suit him? Or is he a surgeon or running Glaxosmithkline or something?

@Driftingbees yeah it’s the rigidity of it that I don’t get. Sure he might have work to do and that’s important and necessary. I’m not trying to stop that or curtail his time with it. I simply said it’s not reasonable to expect me to fit into a timetable like that, life isn’t like that, just get on with your work and I will get on with my evening and we can catch up in bed afterwards? I don’t get what was so controversial about that? I still don’t.

Interestingly he always compares his job to a surgeons! To which I say there are plenty or married surgeons with kids who might well need time to work outside of working hours but don’t tell their family members they need to evacuate the house?!

Still pondering this, are you sure you are his first relationship? I had an ex bf who behaved like this and he was still in love with his ex wife and couldn't get over their break up.

If not, why didn't he have any relationships in his twenties? What is behind that do you think?

X posts, it sounds like he is finding his job all-consuming atm. The trouble is, that might not ever change. This is going to sound sexist but I think some men's identities are much more wrapped up with their jobs than perhaps is the case with some women.

@Driftingbees he’s just said he hasn’t had much time for relationships. He doesn’t really explain it and I’ve never pushed for an answer either. I definitely don’t think he’s in love with someone else or anything like that. I’m just so sad.

I keep thinking what if I had just said ok to Sunday and left when he wanted, we’d still be together. I’m just so sad.

[quote Unhappt]@Driftingbees he’s just said he hasn’t had much time for relationships. He doesn’t really explain it and I’ve never pushed for an answer either. I definitely don’t think he’s in love with someone else or anything like that. I’m just so sad.

I keep thinking what if I had just said ok to Sunday and left when he wanted, we’d still be together. I’m just so sad.[/quote]
No op. Don't second guess yourself. It's agony now but this relationship won't make you happy long term. It is making you sad. I know it's not what you want but for whatever reason, you both want different bthungs from a relationship and you deserve to have what you want, not be forever accommodating his grudging commitment. Break free and go for what you want!

This is going to sound sexist but I think some men's identities are much more wrapped up with their jobs than perhaps is the case with some women.

I think it's that society validates this for men much more easily than it does for women. It's admirable and ambitious for a man to be focused on his work, whereas a woman is blamed for not having work life balance, making time for her children, friends, family...

what if I had just said ok to Sunday and left when he wanted, we’d still be together

That's basically:
You 'I'd like us to be closer and spend more time together'
Him: 'hmm, I'd rather keep strict limits on our time together'
You 'ok' 😪

Don't settle for something you're actually inwardly unhappy with.

Same thing happened to me at 36 OP, and I then met the love of my life aged 37 and married at 40! So please don't despair!

BUT I did do a lot of thinking and counselling to understand why I had welcomed such a man into my life without questioning it sooner. In my case I wasted 3 years with him, and in retrospect it was clear from the outset we wanted different things, but I couldn't see it.

Give yourself at least 6 months to focus on you and only you. Get a course of therapy, read, workout or do what you enjoy, get your hair done, travel and invest in yourself. Then decide what you want and go for it! Age doesn't have to be a barrier to marriage and kids if that's what you want, but you do have to be 100% clear and upfront in any future dating / relationship. Don't waste time on people who aren't on your page.

Good luck! X

‘Said OK… and left when he wanted’ OP that’s what would be sad. That’s just awful. If someone treated my daughter like that I’d cry! Don’t compromise.

I was you last year OP with someone who was a lovely person but realistically it was very uneven. I loved him - but he only cared about me and I wasn't a high enough priority. When I realised this wasn't going to change I ended it immediately. It totally broke my heart and it has not been easy but I don't regret it for a minute and I'd do it all over again. Don't be with someone who isn't scared to lose you.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

This is going to sound sexist but I think some men's identities are much more wrapped up with their jobs than perhaps is the case with some women.

I think it's that society validates this for men much more easily than it does for women. It's admirable and ambitious for a man to be focused on his work, whereas a woman is blamed for not having work life balance, making time for her children, friends, family...

Yes I think that is very true too.

It sounds as though he is made a decision that a relationship is the next step for him and so has started one, but doesn't actually know what a relationship requires, or even why he wants it. I'm sure he likes you, but does he like you more than his friends? Does he like you enough to make any sacrifices for you? To make room in his life for you? To actually be half of a committed couple? No, he doesn't, and doesn't even know enough about relationships to realise that he doesn't.

Op - he reminds me a bit of a relationship had in my twenties. I wasted 3 years of my life, my self esteem was literally non-existent after the 3 years together, I was confused and angry and I eventually left him. It was so so hard to get over him, but looking back now I should have ended it so much sooner. And I never ever regretted it.

You are 35, better to do it now than later. I had my DD at almost 40 with no problems, you still have time. If someone makes you feel shit, run! And never look back, no matter how painful it is at the moment. It will get better.

Another here saying that you've made the right decision.

I dated someone like this and while we were with each other he was amazing, kind, caring and attentive. When we were apart I didn't know where I stood with him. He wouldn't make firm commitments and there wasn't the assumption that we would spend time together, even though he rarely went out with friends. I spent my time away from him feeling anxious and like you, felt relief when he got in touch. Also like your relationship I left by lunchtime on Sunday regardless, because that's what he set out. No spontaneous long lie in or Sunday lunch at the pub. He also had never been married or held down a relationship for longer than a a couple of years. He told me that I was his longest and it was soul destroying for me.

I then met my amazing partner and in contrast it was so easy. No games, no deadlines or pressures. I knew exactly where I stood. His job is far more pressured and far longer hours and he has his children at home but he makes so much time for me. He'll spontaneously call me from work and come over and we'll go out. Despite his busy life he makes the time because he wants to see me.

Remember, you'll never find Mr right if you are with Mr wrong.

@forumdonkey

Another here saying that you've made the right decision.

I dated someone like this and while we were with each other he was amazing, kind, caring and attentive. When we were apart I didn't know where I stood with him. He wouldn't make firm commitments and there wasn't the assumption that we would spend time together, even though he rarely went out with friends. I spent my time away from him feeling anxious and like you, felt relief when he got in touch. Also like your relationship I left by lunchtime on Sunday regardless, because that's what he set out. No spontaneous long lie in or Sunday lunch at the pub. He also had never been married or held down a relationship for longer than a a couple of years. He told me that I was his longest and it was soul destroying for me.

I then met my amazing partner and in contrast it was so easy. No games, no deadlines or pressures. I knew exactly where I stood. His job is far more pressured and far longer hours and he has his children at home but he makes so much time for me. He'll spontaneously call me from work and come over and we'll go out. Despite his busy life he makes the time because he wants to see me.

Remember, you'll never find Mr right if you are with Mr wrong.

@forumdonkey that post is literally the state of how my relationship was, word for word. It was so frustrating hearing him tell me he loved me and missed me and then not being able to engage properly with me. I felt special that we had been together longer than his previous relationships. I thought that meant we were different, we were the real deal. I feel like a fool. I’m too old for all this. I just wanted a calm happy relationship and I thought I had found that in him. I’m heartbroken

@Unhappt having been there, my advice is to move on. My ex is mid 50s and last I heard was still living alone.

My new partner is amazing and I love him a million times more than I have loved any man before. I'm so happy and have been for four and a half years now. I am however, grateful to my ex for showing me what behaviour I wouldn't tolerate and to raise my bar, which in turn raised my self esteem which was crushed by my ex because I always left feeling not quite enough.

Good luck and walk forward to an exciting future with someone new.