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Original poster

Really really need a hand hold, in bits worried I’ve made a mistake

168 replies

Unhappt · 11/08/2021 12:47

Broken up with someone today that I was really in love with. I’m wavering and going back and forth as to whether I was too hasty.

For background, we’ve been together well over a year and speak daily, see each other a few nights a week. Things had always been good but he was never one to want to rush to see me as soon as he was able to. I know that’s quite Disney style and took his flat approach to us as just who he was and an adult relationship. He’s late 30s I’m mid. I’ve never felt like we were a team.

We would talk about the upcoming weekend and he would say things like ‘I’m just going to be doing x or y so could see you’ or ‘are you still free this weekend?’ It sounds so embarrassing writing it down as it seems petty, but for me it was just another thing that signalled there was no assumption we saw each other, no eagerness to organise it or prioritise it. It made me feel shit, it was always me prompting, suggesting things to do etc. When I stepped back he’d be a little more proactive but never wanted to arrange a meal out or a trip somewhere.

It came to a head today. We’ve not seen each other for two weeks (he has been away with work) and were due to see each other this Friday. As it happens, I’ve been asked by work to be located within minutes from his place on Friday day, so I suggested I stay over tomorrow night so I was already in the area and made sense as I would be staying with him Friday night anyway. I was pleased work had suggested this as it meant an extra night together after a couple of weeks apart. His response was that he wasn’t sure, he wanted to sort things out and didn’t think me arriving at 9pm work would for him. He then followed it up by saying he ‘planned to rest’ over the weekend but it would be nice to see me. All said as if I am some distant person or friend? I don’t know if I am reading into this in a silly way but I’ve been in relationships less than half the amount of time of this one and never experienced this sort of dynamic?

He then said he needed to go and he was going back into work. I said ok but it feels generally like he’s not bothered and I can’t carry on like this and we said bye.

I feel like shit and wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I’m 36 next year and it makes it all seem so much worse and scary.

OP posts:
mangoontoast · 11/08/2021 17:52

I have a slightly different view. Obviously if it doesn't feel right, you have every right to end it, but I don't see a problem with him asking if you're free at weekends etc. He's just not making assumptions. You could have different relationship styles, so this might not work, but I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't love you. I have what some people consider an unusual relationship as, after 4 years, we still have no plans to live together. Shift work and busy lives can mean we don't see each other in a week, but if he's just come off nights, he might suggest delaying delaying another day as jess too tired and maybe a little grumpy. We love each other very much. Of course, you have every right to not want this, but just a different perspective.

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2021 17:52

Op, the blokes nearly forty and never had a relationship before you. He’s set in his ways. He’s not going to change he wants his own life at his own pace, and his own space, he needs to be someone who wants the same thing. You don’t. So you’ve done the right thing. It was never going to be different. You’re just not comatible

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 17:59

This feels so hard and also very scary being this age and single

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 11/08/2021 18:07

Didn't you post earlier this week about his intermittent contact and had loads of responses?

AlmostSummer21 · 11/08/2021 18:13

@Unhappt

I just can’t believe how cold he can be. I wish I had listened to my gut at the beginning. I thought it really strange he’d never had a proper relationship. He explained it away as if things just hadn’t worked out because his life was so hectic. There’s only room for him in his world. I feel awful and so lonely tonight.
Hang onto your last couple of posts, you gave him everything, he gave you as little as he could get away with.

He made you feel like shit.

You're sad & lonely, but you've done the right thing and be honest with yourself... you were sad & lonely IN that relationship.

36 feels 'old' when you're 36, trust me-it's not!!! Enjoy it, it's a fab age!! AND it's the youngest you're ever going to be 🤣

He will be in touch, DONT be tempted, tell him you're done with him making you do all the running, you want & expect more from life/a boyfriend.

SixesAndEights · 11/08/2021 18:19

@Unhappt

This feels so hard and also very scary being this age and single
You need to do some work on your self esteem, OP.

You say you gave this man your all, yet you had doubts at the start.

Why didn't you listen to those doubts?

I'm a lot older than you, am single, and am happy. There's nothing inherently frightening about being single, whatever age you are.

You sound ripe for putting up with crappy behaviour because you seem desperate be in a relationship.

Take some time out, work out what YOU want from your life, then you'll be better placed to find a decent partner to enjoy it with.

Flowers
Notanewbee · 11/08/2021 18:26

@tribpot

You're second guessing yourself for no reason. Whether or not his relationship style might suit some people, it doesn't suit you. You want a more committed relationship and this isn't it. It's time for both of you to move on to find people more suited to your temperaments. To be honest, it sounds like this is somewhat overdue, if you knew you were in love with him but he was lukewarm. One person in the relationship shouldn't have to make all the running.
Hi Op - I agree with this.

Really, don't settle. You'll regret it, he won't change

Stovetopespresso · 11/08/2021 18:28

op really sorry you're feeling so sad. a "right" partner is so hard to find, at the right time, right age, right match etc. the pressure is immense! some of your friends marriages and partnerships sadly won't last because they bowed to this pressure, and it's not a panacea. I'm sure you know this!

36 is nothing.

but beleive me if you work on yourself as pps have said, be good at being on your own for a while, you may find that the "right" person appears. or at the very least you'll be good in your own skin, and happier for it.

Tanfastic · 11/08/2021 18:42

You've definitely done the right thing. I was with someone for five years like this because I loved him. I broke up with him and he didn't even seem bothered. He married someone else a few years' later.

godmum56 · 11/08/2021 18:53

being scared of being single is NEVER a good reason for doing anything.

Summerfun54321 · 11/08/2021 18:57

Well done OP, you’re now on your way to finding the right person for you rather than wasting your time with someone who isn’t interested enough. Don’t look back, you’ve done the right thing.

Onestep2021 · 11/08/2021 19:00

No one is too old to be single but it sounds as though you know you are too old to be in a relationship that is going nowhere.

Don’t waste any more of your precious energy and time. You deserve more

Martianworld · 11/08/2021 19:04

Sometimes relationships just run their course and you both see your futures differently. He likes your lives as they are; that's not what you want to settle for. Don't let fear of being alone keep you with someone who wants different things. That can be an even more lonely situation.
By the way, I am the female version of him so I know where he's coming from. I'd say I see a future etc because I probably would...and it's quite like the present! 😉

Rainbowqueeen · 11/08/2021 19:13

Op it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you feel shit. Believe that and embrace it. Being single gives you opportunity. Staying with this guy doesn’t.

Takenoprisoner · 11/08/2021 19:27

You've done the right thing, so hang in there.

What was his response to you breaking up with him?

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 19:30

Well I’ve just heard from him. He’s text saying he’s still working hence why he hadn’t been in contact yet after the call this morning and he apologises for how he came across earlier as he was very tired. He said he is sorry, that he misses me all the time and wants to see me but he’s not sure about tomorrow because now it looks like he will be working late. He’s asked please can we do Friday.

Literally like he’s not got into his head that I was so upset earlier that I ended things? He thinks he can just text a short message like that and all will be well? I hate that I feel better for having heard from him but feel no differently in terms of how I felt this morning when I ended it.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 11/08/2021 19:32

tell him that

Martianworld · 11/08/2021 19:45

Oh dear. You always hope that you will just have a heart to heart with someone and they will be enlightened and everything will change, don't you? Realistically, how often does that happen? I'm sure he does love you. But is that enough? Or is it just tiding you over til the next crisis.

Original poster
Unhappt · 11/08/2021 19:45

@Martianworld I think it’s the latter but I’m so desperate to believe it’s the former.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 11/08/2021 19:56

Not at all surprised. I thought he'd want to get you back on side, but on his terms, if you see what I mean. He's comfortable with this arms-length relationship. Not a problem for him. But it is for you.

I suggested a message wording earlier - send that or something like it.

Knackeredmommy · 11/08/2021 20:06

I think he believes he is in a committed relationship with you. He's happy with the way things are, you're not. I don't thing this is about him being wrong, you want more and need to be honest about your feelings can he give you what you want? If not, don waste anymore time.

TyotyaKlava · 11/08/2021 20:07

Op, I had similar relationship. I was 25 and he was in his early thirties. He was never committed which broke my heart but I loved him so much and waited for him. Then he immigrated to Australia but never stopped contacting me. He came over to see his parents (town where I lived), and made plans with me. But I then found out the plans were only for half of his stay. The other half was planned to spend with his other (girl) friend to see where that goes between them. It broke my heart all over again. I promised myself to move on. I since got married and gave two children and he is still single. He is 44 now but still quite nice looking and I obviously still think about him but quite glad I didn’t wait as it would not have ended anywhere.

PercyPigAndMe · 11/08/2021 20:08

Have you been posting about this bloke for a while now? Sounds familiar

Just move on from him - it sounds like a lot of hard work on your part

FatCatThinCat · 11/08/2021 20:15

He may love you, he may be sincere in wanting a committed relationship with you. But to him, this is what that looks like. This is who he is. You say you love him, but do you really love this man, as in the man he really is, or you love a version of him that lives in your head? Because he isn't going to change.

BoredtoTiers · 11/08/2021 20:27

If, after a year, you can't chill out together I'd seriously be wondering if it's going anywhere. I mean he might just be pretty introverted and need a ton of space but if that doesn't work for both of you, there's no shame on either part.