Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Aliceinunderland · 14/09/2021 18:43

Just wanted to jump back on and say I have been thinking about you. I also thought of another thing that might help. I now weirdly give a lot of court evidence due to my job. One thing we are taught is to look at the judge when answering as this often breaks the line of attack from the barristers because you're not looking at them when answering. You could look at the jury or judge instead if you feel that you're getting drawn in by his barrister. You've got this! You've got all of us behind you too x

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 18:52

@Aliceinunderland

Just wanted to jump back on and say I have been thinking about you. I also thought of another thing that might help. I now weirdly give a lot of court evidence due to my job. One thing we are taught is to look at the judge when answering as this often breaks the line of attack from the barristers because you're not looking at them when answering. You could look at the jury or judge instead if you feel that you're getting drawn in by his barrister. You've got this! You've got all of us behind you too x
Excellent excellent advise

I will be going through some answers and looking at a mirror this week

I have zero confidence
I'm not eloquent

I mumble
I look like a fool sometimes

He is polished and well spoken

Exact opposite

But I'm telling the truth he is NOT

why did he go to met and tell them I was lying all the time now plead guilty

Why? 🤬🤬

OP posts:
Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 14/09/2021 18:57

I so wish you good luck and strength if you do have to go to court. You should be so proud of yourself. He is a bully and you have stood up to him. Well done you.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:00

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

I so wish you good luck and strength if you do have to go to court. You should be so proud of yourself. He is a bully and you have stood up to him. Well done you.
Thank you

Awful bully

Just so sad at all that has happened

But I must pursue this

I'm really really petrified

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 14/09/2021 19:02

Why? Because he is hoping that pleading guilty to three offences will see him get a lighter sentence - they do give "credit" for not causing the expense of a full court trial, and for not putting you through the ordeal of testifying. He's probably also hoping they drop the other two.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:17

What an awful awful creature

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:22

Stupid question sorry are his team possibly encouraging him to plead this way
Due to an abundance of evidence?

Will be maybe take a stand on the day of the trial and change to maybe guilty for all?

I have proof where he has admitted to everything he did

He knows this

OP posts:
ElizabethTudor · 14/09/2021 19:23

I will be going through some answers and looking at a mirror this week

I think this an excellent idea.
Do some prep. Treat it like an interview. So speaking some prepared things out loud can only help. Not so you sound rehearsed. But just to help you formulate what you want to say, if you get the chance, out loud.

ElizabethTudor · 14/09/2021 19:24

Sorry, to clarify. As if you’re preparing for an interview. So you don’t know what you’re going to be asked. But you prepare anyway.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:25

@ElizabethTudor

I will be going through some answers and looking at a mirror this week

I think this an excellent idea.
Do some prep. Treat it like an interview. So speaking some prepared things out loud can only help. Not so you sound rehearsed. But just to help you formulate what you want to say, if you get the chance, out loud.

Yes and how to give myself more confidence

Don't need to rehearse anything

I know what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:25

@ElizabethTudor

Sorry, to clarify. As if you’re preparing for an interview. So you don’t know what you’re going to be asked. But you prepare anyway.
Yesssss !!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 19:40

Thanks again

Any other tips from anyone

Massively appreciated

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 14/09/2021 19:57

His barrister will make out your should have left after the first abuse - yet society encourages women to stay, shelters are overfilled and after all its not that bad - you're still breathing.... /sarcasm.

You can do this, very best wishes.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 20:00

@SimplySteveRedux

His barrister will make out your should have left after the first abuse - yet society encourages women to stay, shelters are overfilled and after all its not that bad - you're still breathing.... /sarcasm.

You can do this, very best wishes.

Funny that is what I was writing in my list of things to prep myself for Why did you leave Why go back Why have babies with him

Need to get myself ready for the onslaught

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 14/09/2021 20:24

Why have babies with him

Sorry I missed this, having babies is a key component of abusive men's behaviour, effectively giving them another hold over you. It's straight out of The Abuser's Handbook (I should write such a thing...).

You'll be fine ThanksStarThanks

Aliceinunderland · 14/09/2021 20:31

Honestly do not worry that you won't be eloquent or will look like a fool. The best evidence I ever heard was from someone who had a limited vocabulary but her evidence was so powerful because it was real and genuine. Remember, he's the one that will have to remember his lies which is very difficult to do under pressure!
He could well have been advised that the evidence will probably find him guilty on some of the charges and as pp said, he will get credit for an early plea.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:16

@SimplySteveRedux

Why have babies with him

Sorry I missed this, having babies is a key component of abusive men's behaviour, effectively giving them another hold over you. It's straight out of The Abuser's Handbook (I should write such a thing...).

You'll be fine ThanksStarThanks

Yes

See so many cases like this sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:17

@Aliceinunderland

Honestly do not worry that you won't be eloquent or will look like a fool. The best evidence I ever heard was from someone who had a limited vocabulary but her evidence was so powerful because it was real and genuine. Remember, he's the one that will have to remember his lies which is very difficult to do under pressure! He could well have been advised that the evidence will probably find him guilty on some of the charges and as pp said, he will get credit for an early plea.
So so useful

Thank you

Earlier I was worrying about what happens if I cry !!
Who cares
I cry because of the trauma this man put us through

I can do this !!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:19

@Aliceinunderland so what happens if he goes ahead and says yes I'm guilty to some charges but not all

What if he does this before the case?
Can case go ahead?

OP posts:
StrongArm · 14/09/2021 21:23

I witnessed a serious assault and had to give evidence in court. I did cry - don't worry about that bit!

Tips

  1. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument with his barrister. They may try and goad you and it makes you look more unreasonable if you pick fights. I never thought I would but actually on the stand, you get really defensive. Keep calm no matter how unreasonable they are being.
  2. They will try and pick holes in what you say so just expect that
  3. Always tell the truth and if you can't remember, say I can't remember. No one expects a perfect memory so long after events.

Well done - you are super brave. Even if you don't win, the experience itself and the fact that you went to court will stay with him forever

twoshedsjackson · 14/09/2021 21:26

Still thinking of you Queenie6655, and wanted to agree with Aliceinunderland about simply speaking your truth. My late DM had Three Great Sayings, and the first was "Liars need good memories".
It's so much more straightforward to simply, consistently, remember what really happened, and as much his clever barrister will try to trip you up, you have "legal eagles" on your side charged with the much more straightforward task of drawing out the consistent reality of your case, and showing up his lies for what they are.
He has already weakened his case considerably by admitting some of his "lesser" offences, something his legal team would not have recommended lightly; sounds like they're on damage limitation.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:30

@StrongArm

I witnessed a serious assault and had to give evidence in court. I did cry - don't worry about that bit!

Tips

  1. Whatever you do, don't get into an argument with his barrister. They may try and goad you and it makes you look more unreasonable if you pick fights. I never thought I would but actually on the stand, you get really defensive. Keep calm no matter how unreasonable they are being.
  2. They will try and pick holes in what you say so just expect that
  3. Always tell the truth and if you can't remember, say I can't remember. No one expects a perfect memory so long after events.

Well done - you are super brave. Even if you don't win, the experience itself and the fact that you went to court will stay with him forever

Great advice

Thanks so so much

I need to carefully remember they are out to do a job

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:31

@twoshedsjackson

Still thinking of you Queenie6655, and wanted to agree with Aliceinunderland about simply speaking your truth. My late DM had Three Great Sayings, and the first was "Liars need good memories". It's so much more straightforward to simply, consistently, remember what really happened, and as much his clever barrister will try to trip you up, you have "legal eagles" on your side charged with the much more straightforward task of drawing out the consistent reality of your case, and showing up his lies for what they are. He has already weakened his case considerably by admitting some of his "lesser" offences, something his legal team would not have recommended lightly; sounds like they're on damage limitation.
Many many thanks

So he may put forward guilty pleas for everything??

Who knows
I bet he was sure that was it all solved today and I would accept the offer

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 14/09/2021 21:38

He can plead guilty to some of the charges but still go to trial for the ones he pled not guilty to. CPS will make a decision whether to go forward on the other charges but it depends on a lot of factors so not an easy question to answer. Usually the police would speak to you if they were thinking of dropping the other charges for example if what he pleads guilty to has similar sentencing to the charge he doesn't admit, they might feel there wouldn't be much to gain from putting you through the stress of giving evidence. Have you got a police liaison officer? They usually keep you updated. Also I was able to go and see the courtroom before I gave evidence to familiarise myself although on the day, they'd changed the actual court room we were using which disorientated me even more. I was told to wear comfortable shoes due to standing during evidence so I wore trainers with my suit as there was a box and no-one would have seen them. But as it was, I had to walk through the court, past the dickhead in the defendant box and all I could think about was how stupid I looked in a suit and trainers! I can laugh about it now but honestly! Little things like that can really tip you over at the time.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 14/09/2021 21:40

@Aliceinunderland so so useful thank you

Ok it will be good to know what will happen next

Ah my nerves

He has said for years he did nothing wrong and now accepting some of the charges ??!!!

Madness

So I'm not the lier he made me out to be

OP posts: