How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

[Queenie6655]

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

I can't see any harm in contacting potential witnesses. It may be that they don't want to get involved, but they are far from the only testimonies backing you up, so nothing ventured, nothing gained.
If they are willing, the Met. may or may not decided that they need to use this evidence in court, as they have plenty already, but it will be on their records. Even if it doesn't come up in your case, it may be another piece building up a pattern of this man's behaviour towards you and other women.
Finally, your being proactive and gathering information will boost your belief in yourself as you do another (admittedly small) thing to take charge of the situation, moving away from the helpless victim position.

I do so admire the people on Mumsnet who come on to give such clear and reasoned advice. My hat off to you, twoshedsjackson.

I particularly agree with your last paragraph, so Queenie - onwards and upwards!

Just to re-iterate what a previous poster said, the barrister representing "him" will be tricky to deal with, do take your time answering his/her questions DON'T let the barrister upset you they are being paid by your abuser to try and discredit you, it is not personal.
I used to work for a Judge, do not feel nervous, they are human too and in the majority very fair people who have seen it all.
If you just take your time answering any questions you will be fine
Good Luck

Thank you

Wonderful advice on here
Much appreciated xxxx

One week to go

Feeling so calm now

Not sure what has come over me

I want to bring something in with me to squeeze to remind me to take long slow breaths and to remind myself not to take the defence barrister to heart

Any ideas?

"I once fled and told him a refuge Had taken me in when I was in fact in a hotel waiting for the refuge space

He is using this now as an example of how badly I treated him"

I copied this earlier as I wanted to say you KNOW in your heart that this was NOT treating him bady, on the contrary a completely sensible thing to say to protect yourself which anyone would relate to.

But from your later posts you have so much evidence. I'm sorry you have been through this awful time but try to look forward (in a weird way) as this rite of passage to put an end to it. Judges will have seen his type many times before. You come across as completely open and honest, though clearly scared and very nervous. This will all be in your favour.

I have been to court with an abusive ex for a financial settlement so not as serious as yours but very similar feelings. I got to court early and asked for a safe place to wait away from the other party which they did without any bother. Please do get someone to go with you - I didn't and leaving the court building was the worst thing as I had no idea where he was.

I wish you the best of luck. It will be over soon and you are being very brave. Be proud of yourself. Please do come back and update us?

@Twillow

"I once fled and told him a refuge Had taken me in when I was in fact in a hotel waiting for the refuge space

He is using this now as an example of how badly I treated him"

I copied this earlier as I wanted to say you KNOW in your heart that this was NOT treating him bady, on the contrary a completely sensible thing to say to protect yourself which anyone would relate to.

But from your later posts you have so much evidence. I'm sorry you have been through this awful time but try to look forward (in a weird way) as this rite of passage to put an end to it. Judges will have seen his type many times before. You come across as completely open and honest, though clearly scared and very nervous. This will all be in your favour.

I have been to court with an abusive ex for a financial settlement so not as serious as yours but very similar feelings. I got to court early and asked for a safe place to wait away from the other party which they did without any bother. Please do get someone to go with you - I didn't and leaving the court building was the worst thing as I had no idea where he was.

I wish you the best of luck. It will be over soon and you are being very brave. Be proud of yourself. Please do come back and update us?

Thank you so so much

All the lovely kind people on here helped when I fled

When I had no idea what to do next

To keep up the police investigation

I shall totally keep everyone updated
Absolutely

Just weird how calm I am now suddenly

Long may it last

And thanks again xxxx

You're doing so well, Queenie.

For something to squeeze, you need something soft and small enough to sit easily in your hand or pocket, that won't look out of place in a court. How about a man-sized cotton handkerchief? You could even write a mantra of "I'm telling the truth" in a corner so no-one but you knows it's there, and no-one would query a distressed witness having a hanky to hand.

You can probably pick up an unused box of hankies in a charity shop but if you can't find/don't have time you can get multipacks for under a tenner from Amazon.

Rooting for you.

Just coming on to wish you all the best Op.
Re something to hold, what about something like this:
www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CrystalPumpkinShop

They are tiny Crystal guardian angels. About 1 inch. So really small. You can select a gemstone that represents something fitting.
Under item details.
I randomly selected Howlite.

Howlite is one of the “attunement stones” which link the user to higher spiritual consciousness. Howlite opens and prepares the mind to receive the energies and wisdom of attunements.

Howlite is regarded as a stone to help reduce anxiety, tensions and stress. Howlite can be used to facilitate awareness, encourage emotional expression and assist in the elimination of pain, stress and/or rage.

Anyway, just an idea.

@ElizabethTudor @HirplesWithHaggis fantastic ideas

Will look into those this weekend

Thanks for your help xxxxxx

You could wrap the stone in a cotton hanky, best of both worlds! Nice soft cotton to scrunch (and to dry your eyes if needed) with a firm core to remind you of your support, and your own inner strength.

Thinking of you and checking here regularly

@HirplesWithHaggis

You could wrap the stone in a cotton hanky, best of both worlds! Nice soft cotton to scrunch (and to dry your eyes if needed) with a firm core to remind you of your support, and your own inner strength.

Love this idea

@Thenshewasgone

Thinking of you and checking here regularly

One week to go

Have changed some details re case but will keep you guys up to date
Plus it may help other vulnerable ladies in my position

Thanks again for all the kindness

Let's get this bastard

FINALLY

Good luck next week 💐

Thanks so much

Positive thinking all the way here

Just needs to stay strong

No experience of court so can't help you in that way but I just wanted to say you're being so brave and I'm so, so hoping for this bastard to get what he deserves. Stay strong @Queenie6655, we're all on your side and hopefully soon this will all be over and done with and you will have the justice you richly deserve

@Daleksatemyshed

No experience of court so can't help you in that way but I just wanted to say you're being so brave and I'm so, so hoping for this bastard to get what he deserves. Stay strong *@Queenie6655*, we're all on your side and hopefully soon this will all be over and done with and you will have the justice you richly deserve

Thank you

So yesterday he put in a guilty plea to the lesser charges

With the hope I will call off the entire case

Is this common ??

(I have changed many details in this thread so as not to be outing)

What if the case goes ahead and he only pleads guilty to a few things not the major charges?? This is al so confusing

I have no idea how common that might be, but I don't think it's your decision to call off the case is it? That's down to the prosecution services. I would hope they will carry on and try him on the more serious charges now it's come this far, but can only cross my fingers for you.

Ok yes I see ok

So they will decide what next ?

I guess not much else to do now
Turn up on the day

Yup, at this point you're "just" a witness, and have no further input than when you give your evidence. We're all with you.

Thanks so much
So it goes ahead unless CPs say otherwise

So the case could go ahead for only some of the charges and not all?

He is charged with 5 things

Pleaded guilty to 3 of them