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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 09:37

It is very hard, but give them no reason whatsoever to question your behaviour. Do not play into their hands.

Remain entirely calm. If you feel you are getting cross, ask for water, stall for time. You have every right to be angry, but the court is not the right place.

If you are really struggling

'I feel really angry thinking about everything he has done to me/us' you are then acknowledging the emotion without losing your temper.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 09:40

@Intheswissmountains

It is very hard, but give them no reason whatsoever to question your behaviour. Do not play into their hands.

Remain entirely calm. If you feel you are getting cross, ask for water, stall for time. You have every right to be angry, but the court is not the right place.

If you are really struggling

'I feel really angry thinking about everything he has done to me/us' you are then acknowledging the emotion without losing your temper.

Yes l00 per cent
OP posts:
Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 09:48

Last resort is always

' I don't know if I can do'

No one (apart from the defendant) wants the trial to collapse at this point, and they will be mindful not to push you too far.

Do your best op, but don't let them push you to the brink. Remain aware of your emotions at all times.

Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 09:49

'I don't know if I can do this'

Sorry for the typo on mobile.
Good luck, you can do this.

Composure and honesty is all you need now.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 09:51

Ok yes true

I got this

Nearly there

Just so sleep deprived

Tried to pay for my food earlier with my car keys at the till

Losing the plot

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 10:06

I can't stop crying this morning

Was just listening to the story of that beautiful teacher in Greenwich

Why does. It keep happening

I need to compose myself before I go in
But it just seems every day woman are losing their lives

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 10:12

@prettybird

Try to remind yourself that that rising to her bait and snapping at her is what she wants you to do - and that you're not going to give her that satisfaction Smile

Just keep repeating "I've explained why I gave a different address - for my family's safety". And as a PP has suggested, address the judge and say I've answered this question repeatedly.

Ask your DC/victim support if it's worth, on one occasion, elaborating to explain why you didn't say why you were in a hotel - because you were concerned that he would ring around all the hotels in the vicinity and find you (if and only if that was indeed the reason).

Remember, the truth is on your side. There were valid reasons for not telling him exactly where you were when you were running away Shock - and before you were confident you were in a true place of safety.

This is great I just re read this

Many thanks

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 23/09/2021 11:17

Darling, I know you are sad, lonely and frightened. Regardless, I am so very, very proud of you!!! I know you are doing what I wish I had. (I know I was just a kid, but still…) If you have to dig your keys into your hand rather than respond if you’re feeling emotional, please do it.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 13:03

@Justilou1

Darling, I know you are sad, lonely and frightened. Regardless, I am so very, very proud of you!!! I know you are doing what I wish I had. (I know I was just a kid, but still…) If you have to dig your keys into your hand rather than respond if you’re feeling emotional, please do it.
Yes I tried that

Bit my hand when she repeatedly said I was a lier

Awful awful process

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/09/2021 13:21
Thanks
WaitinginVain · 23/09/2021 13:28

OP I have not dared to comment since the beginning of this thread as my post was badly misinterpreted but still following and my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are - it's the most awful process that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and all of the advice given in good faith on here goes out of the window. I don't think people understand unless they've been in that situation.
Willing you on - just try to keep it together, it won't be long now and you will know that you have done all you can.

Justilou1 · 23/09/2021 13:31

Yes it’s awful and you’re scared, but you’re STILL doing it @Queenie6655!!! If this doesn’t mean you have the biggest set of Ladyballs, I don’t know what does!!!

Ninjawannabe · 23/09/2021 13:32

Sending Flowers and strength @OP

QueenBee52 · 23/09/2021 14:08

amazing advice on here... sending support for today ... good luck.. 🌸💕

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 14:19

@WaitinginVain

OP I have not dared to comment since the beginning of this thread as my post was badly misinterpreted but still following and my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are - it's the most awful process that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and all of the advice given in good faith on here goes out of the window. I don't think people understand unless they've been in that situation. Willing you on - just try to keep it together, it won't be long now and you will know that you have done all you can.
Thank you so so much

Lovely kind people keep us going

Lovely support from some others here

Will keep you all updated

Just need to keep my calm and stay strong
I know the truth
I am telling the truth

What the defence fire my way is utter B shit xxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Thenshewasgone · 23/09/2021 15:09

I just want to give you the biggest hug. Mentally we’re all there with you, imagine us standing behind you in that room, we are all here for you.
You’re an absolutely courageous amazing woman, I hope you have support in real life whilst going through this. You’re doing incredibly

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 15:22

Thank you

One more day
One more day

OP posts:
Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 23/09/2021 16:45

You have got this far. Whatever happens you are obviously much stronger than you thought you were.

I'm rooting for you.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 17:50

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

You have got this far. Whatever happens you are obviously much stronger than you thought you were.

I'm rooting for you.

True just severely sleep deprived at this point
OP posts:
Ostryga · 23/09/2021 20:04

Sleep will come. You will sleep again, soundly and without fear.

You just have to get through tomorrow. One more day Flowers

deleteasappropriate · 23/09/2021 20:49

I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight Queenie, there are so many of us willing you strength to get through this ordeal. You really are so brave, you just can't see it. What a Mum you are, to put yourself through this for your child, you're still a shero. Just remember to breathe deeply after each question, ask the barrister to repeat if you don't understand it and make sure it's slowed down to make it easier for you. There's absolutely no problem with asking them to rephrase a question if it's ambiguous. I have everything crossed for you xx

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 21:12

Thank you all

Very kind people

Much much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 21:47

Also he's not testifying

Why not? Is it optional for defence?

OP posts:
Gladioli23 · 23/09/2021 22:07

I don't think it's mandatory to testify - essentially I think that a defendant isn't deemed a "competent" witness for the prosecution, so can't be compelled to testify. And if the defense ask him to testify it then opens up the risk that he says the wrong thing (from his point of view), so it would be better not to risk it.

I'm not a lawyer though, hopefully one will be along soon to correct me if I misunderstood something.

Ginger1982 · 23/09/2021 22:11

Accused person does not have to testify as it is for the prosecution to prove guilt, not for him/her to prove innocence. I often recommended that clients didn't testify.