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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 08:12

There will be witness protection to help and support you.

HE is in a lot of trouble here.

Remember YOU have nothing to prove op. Calmly answer the questions honestly, take some tissues just in case the memories trigger you. Be strong and grit your teeth. Once this is over, you can properly move on.

This is part of justice for you and your child, but also for many many other women and children he will go on to abuse.

You have got this.

StrongArm · 23/09/2021 08:15

Also as you get more tired, which they will bargain on, you'll find your answers getting longer and more explanatory. Don't forget what the lawyer further down the thread said about keeping the answers short. I wish I had had that advice and it's so key!

Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 08:17

It is the job of the bulldog to catch you off guard and hope you slip up and plant the seed of doubt.

The best way to counter all of this, is to stay very very calm, do not rush to reply and keep your answers so short. Keep repeating over and over again the facts, and keep to them.

If you feel you are losing composure, ask for some water and a moment to collect yourself. Many feel overwhelmed in court. It is okay to ask for time out. I would suggest you use that liberally if she is getting to you. She is very experienced, but you have the truth on your side.

YOU are not on trial here, just keep that firmly in your mind.
You are simply there to tell the facts.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 23/09/2021 08:18

Treat yourself to something nice for brekkie if you can stomach it.

What about putting a hairband or elastic band on your wrist & trying to make yourself ping it subtly/gently before you answer each time as a way of trying to make yourself pause & take a deep breath rather than knee-jerking if/when she goads you. And answer to the judge not her. Remember to say that you've already answered if she keeps on asking the same thing different ways. You have got this!

You're doing amazingly and as others have said she most likely doesn't like your ex either. Hang on in there Thanks

QueenPeary · 23/09/2021 08:28

You've had great advice and I'm thinking of you Flowers You can and will do it.

I have something to add which is if you get a successful result, and he's found guilty, it can be difficult afterwards when it all sinks in and you feel awful - because it's a confirmation that what happened to you was genuinely bad, and if you've tried to minimise it to yourself, that's an adjustment. This happened to me. It passes but if it happens, remember to keep getting support and looking after yourself even afterwards and whatever the outcome.

Karwomannghia · 23/09/2021 08:34

Good luck today stay strong

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 08:36

These are so useful

Will read again when I am on my break later

Thank you all

Short concise answers

OP posts:
Ostryga · 23/09/2021 08:42

You can do this. Two more days before the rest of your life. Whatever the outcome here you have stood up for women everywhere against this evil excuse for a human.

Stay calm and focus on the end goal. Good luck today Flowers

QueenPeary · 23/09/2021 08:43

I will also add that I started crying at the end of cross examination, and I don't think it made me look weak or unreliable or anything. Just a normal reaction to a traumatic situation and the judge was very understanding and called for a break. It doesn't matter, as long as you are as honest as you can be, that will come across.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 08:44

Exactly exactly

Making a stand

I want to call this fcker out in the way she is victim blaming in court

I guess that is pretty futile ??

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/09/2021 08:46

@Queenie6655

Exactly exactly

Making a stand

I want to call this fcker out in the way she is victim blaming in court

I guess that is pretty futile ??

No point. She is just doing her job. Not always pleasant but needs to be done. If she strays beyond what is acceptable the prosecution need to object or the judge should intervene.
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 08:47

Ok absolutely

OP posts:
QueenPeary · 23/09/2021 08:47

Just let the judge and jury watch what she does and that you respond as honestly as you can - they will see the victim blaming if that's what she does.

I honestly wondered if in my case the barrister was secretly on my side as he made himself look like such an unreasonable dick, the jury were unimpressed.

Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 08:50

OP you can also break her train of thought/questioning by stalling for water, ask for tissues. Tell the court you need to sit down you feel faint. Anything to gather your composure and be able to think very very clearly.

Remember you have done nothing wrong, this trial is not about you.

This is about him.

Try to remember that the court is a rigorous process for good reason, not to personally put you through hell, this is about making sure there is fair justice. So whatever she asks you, don't take it personally. This is not about you personally, but the facts. If you can try and separate the two for the purposes of the next two days it will help you stay calm and collected.

It is her job to defend him, it is your job to tell the truth.

Short concise firm answers. On repeat. Over and over again.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2021 08:51

We're all standing with you, OP. And his barrister knows he's a bastard. He's admitted to offences! There is no way she believes in his defence but it's her job to put what he says forward.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 08:54

When she brings up names I call him

I have agreed to what I said m
And said it was out of upset and trauma

Hope that is ok
Or too much

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 23/09/2021 08:57

@Queenie6655

His barrister's job is to literally get him off any charges even if she knows he is guilty.She'll try any dirty tactic she can including victim shaming and clutching at straws hence going over and over the hotel thing.It doesn't matter where you were whilst waiting for a hostel space to become available it matters because you needed to safe so no you were unable to disclose the truth through fear of being found.

Please know what you are is not only serving justice for you,his ex and any previous victims that haven't come forward but also by doing this you might well have just saved the life of his a woman who could have been his next partner;one who had he not been held accountable for his abuse of you may have been the one he did kill.

Ostryga · 23/09/2021 08:57

Remember that calling someone a cunt etc isn’t illegal.

What he did to you is. That’s why he is on trial and not you.

Don’t get into an argument with his barrister, but just keep that in the back of your mind.

Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 08:58

If you are truly stuck simply say

'I feel broken all over again, this is extremely difficult for me'

She will most likely put the question in a different way or at the very least acknowledge what you are saying.

'I am trying to answer your questions the best way I can, but it is making me feel ill/sick thinking about this again' and sit down.

'Have you any idea at all what it feels like to give evidence after what I have been through?'

Have one or two human replies ready just in case.
In the best cases I have seen, it is always okay to do this and is expected. It is very hard to be in your position and the court will understand this. Please also know that the people around you might look officious and unfriendly but they are human beings with families and children of their own.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 09:00

Thank you all
Will let you know

Have changed many details just in case on this thread

But this support has helped so so much

Thanks so much

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/09/2021 09:01

"I said that to my abuser, yes."

"After months of abuse I called him that, yes."

"Having been physically and mentally abused, I called him that yes."

Deep breath
Say it in your head
Say it out loud

Don't skip one of those steps or you'll blurt and give her rope to hang you with x

Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 09:04

In the case of anything the barrister pins on you as a way to try and discredit you, please always say

'I tried to defend myself'
'I tried to stand up for myself'

No one can blame anyone else for standing up for themselves in situation as you describe. It is okay to acknowledge (if you have to, and have been advised to by your advocate and only do so on their advice) to say you tried to defend yourself against this monster of a man. It is human nature to do so.

She is trying to paint a picture that you were partially to blame for the breakdown in the relationship, but this can not and does not justify what he has done to you.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 09:09

@Intheswissmountains @youvegottenminuteslynn
Thank you

OP posts:
Intheswissmountains · 23/09/2021 09:12

The only thing I would honestly suggest, please do not get angry or swear under any circumstances. You will give them cause to question your anger/temper/behaviour.

Stay completely calm, feel free to cry but don't get angry. Keep your anger for later when you can let it out in private.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 09:29

@Intheswissmountains

The only thing I would honestly suggest, please do not get angry or swear under any circumstances. You will give them cause to question your anger/temper/behaviour.

Stay completely calm, feel free to cry but don't get angry. Keep your anger for later when you can let it out in private.

Yes of raise my voice

Yes

Hard though

OP posts:
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