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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 18:05

Haha yessss
Well I was well and truly ripped apart

I lied re where we went to once in order to protect my family

The barrister went to town on this

Absolute hell hell !!!!!!

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 22/09/2021 18:18

You lied in court? Did they pick you up on it?

prettybird · 22/09/2021 18:25

Was that about the time that you lied to him, saying you were in a refuge when you were actually in a hotel (iirc)? That's a totally understandable and excusable dissembling of the "facts" - you were laying a false trail to protect yourself.

Im sure that the jury will be able to see that. Thanks

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 18:27

@prettybird

Was that about the time that you lied to him, saying you were in a refuge when you were actually in a hotel (iirc)? That's a totally understandable and excusable dissembling of the "facts" - you were laying a false trail to protect yourself.

Im sure that the jury will be able to see that. Thanks

Yes exactly

Didn't lie in court

Lied about our location after one assault

And in a few emails I kept this lie re where we had gone to up

This is being dragged and dragged out now

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 22/09/2021 18:35

Oh I'm so sorry, Queenie - I mis-read your post. This is a criminal case isn't it? I think prettybird is absolutely right - the defence can really hammer at you, but the jury will see the accumulation of evidence against him. I think you are doing amazingly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/09/2021 18:37

"As I explained, I felt unable to disclose my actual location due to the abuse I had suffered. I was protecting my family."

"As I have made clear, due to the abuse I had suffered, I did not feel safe disclosing my actual location."

"To keep myself safe, I did not disclose my actual location on that occasion."

Rinse and repeat.

You poor thing, I hate that you have to go through this Thanks

If she keeps gunning on one point over and over, do not feel afraid to say to the judge "I have answered this question and feel this is now stepping into an unproductive and unnecessarily repetitive exchange when I have answered clearly and honestly. I am a victim of abuse, answering questions about my abuse honestly and respectfully. Can you explain what part of this particular question I haven't yet answered as I feel I have done so but that is not being reflected by the question I am continually being asked."

Ask the judge for help if the defence team is harassing you.

Aliceinunderland · 22/09/2021 18:38

It feels awful after you've been cross examined but you spoke your truth. Be kind to yourself tonight. You will probably be going over it in your head thinking about how you could have answered differently etc but this won't help. Try and do something you enjoy doing or spend time with people who love and support you. You've got this xx

Hairyhat · 22/09/2021 18:53

We are all rooting for you Queenie

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 19:02

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"As I explained, I felt unable to disclose my actual location due to the abuse I had suffered. I was protecting my family."

"As I have made clear, due to the abuse I had suffered, I did not feel safe disclosing my actual location."

"To keep myself safe, I did not disclose my actual location on that occasion."

Rinse and repeat.

You poor thing, I hate that you have to go through this Thanks

If she keeps gunning on one point over and over, do not feel afraid to say to the judge "I have answered this question and feel this is now stepping into an unproductive and unnecessarily repetitive exchange when I have answered clearly and honestly. I am a victim of abuse, answering questions about my abuse honestly and respectfully. Can you explain what part of this particular question I haven't yet answered as I feel I have done so but that is not being reflected by the question I am continually being asked."

Ask the judge for help if the defence team is harassing you.

This is fab advise

Will make some notes on this

Thanks all xxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 20:03

How do I stop myself from snapping at her in the morning

She is like a bulldog

And she is happy I snapped back at her

Ughhhh I HATE THIS MAN

I hate abusers

I hate victim blaming

OP posts:
prettybird · 22/09/2021 20:55

Try to remind yourself that that rising to her bait and snapping at her is what she wants you to do - and that you're not going to give her that satisfaction Smile

Just keep repeating "I've explained why I gave a different address - for my family's safety". And as a PP has suggested, address the judge and say I've answered this question repeatedly.

Ask your DC/victim support if it's worth, on one occasion, elaborating to explain why you didn't say why you were in a hotel - because you were concerned that he would ring around all the hotels in the vicinity and find you (if and only if that was indeed the reason).

Remember, the truth is on your side. There were valid reasons for not telling him exactly where you were when you were running away Shock - and before you were confident you were in a true place of safety.

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 20:59

@prettybird

Try to remind yourself that that rising to her bait and snapping at her is what she wants you to do - and that you're not going to give her that satisfaction Smile

Just keep repeating "I've explained why I gave a different address - for my family's safety". And as a PP has suggested, address the judge and say I've answered this question repeatedly.

Ask your DC/victim support if it's worth, on one occasion, elaborating to explain why you didn't say why you were in a hotel - because you were concerned that he would ring around all the hotels in the vicinity and find you (if and only if that was indeed the reason).

Remember, the truth is on your side. There were valid reasons for not telling him exactly where you were when you were running away Shock - and before you were confident you were in a true place of safety.

Wonderful advice

Thank you

I need to stay calm

Not rise to her bait

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/09/2021 21:23

And don't forget - before you say anything, in response to any question, at any point, take a deep breath in then say the answer in your head and then say it out loud.

Don't skip steps or you'll blurt things out without considering them.

Keep answers short, factual and appeal to the judge directly for some support or guidance if you feel the situation is escalating or the defence team are being aggressive.

Do not be rushed and do not give kneejerk responses.

Thanks
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 21:25

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And don't forget - before you say anything, in response to any question, at any point, take a deep breath in then say the answer in your head and then say it out loud.

Don't skip steps or you'll blurt things out without considering them.

Keep answers short, factual and appeal to the judge directly for some support or guidance if you feel the situation is escalating or the defence team are being aggressive.

Do not be rushed and do not give kneejerk responses.

Thanks

Excellent advice Need to remind myself of this in morning

Thank you all

I got this

Doing this for all the innocent victims

OP posts:
WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 22/09/2021 21:32

Direct your answers to the judge. Short.

Yes.

No.

I acted in the best way under the circumstances at the time to protect my family from your clients harm.

Rinse and repeat.

I was in a safe refuge. Advice was not to tell him where we were. However we were given beds, safety, food and shelter - away from your client.

Over and over.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 22/09/2021 21:33

How may more days to you have to go? Ask for breaks if you need them.

I don’t recall. I can’t remember if you can’t - be truthful and then you have done all that is required

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 21:40

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo

Wonderful advice thank you

Two more days to go

Give me strength please

Will get there

OP posts:
FrontRowSeat · 22/09/2021 21:40

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly well. Keep it going just a little longer. We’re all rooting for you. Flowers

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 22/09/2021 21:46

@FrontRowSeat

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly well. Keep it going just a little longer. We’re all rooting for you. Flowers
Sometimes v good sometimes awful

Witness support so so helpful

Lovely MET police staff and great judge
Small mercies I guess

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 23/09/2021 07:28

I don't know if it helps you to remember this but, its not personal. She doesn't know you from Adam. Next week she'll be hammering another witness. She isn't your ex's friend or supporter, she prob doesn't even like him, she's just doing a job.

Please don't be afraid to say "I've answered that question, I don't know what else I can tell you".

Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 07:32

@Funnylittlefloozie

I don't know if it helps you to remember this but, its not personal. She doesn't know you from Adam. Next week she'll be hammering another witness. She isn't your ex's friend or supporter, she prob doesn't even like him, she's just doing a job.

Please don't be afraid to say "I've answered that question, I don't know what else I can tell you".

Yes great

I will keep that in mind

She has a job to do
Wish it wasn't so hard through

OP posts:
Original poster
Queenie6655 · 23/09/2021 07:50

I'm in really bad shape today

Second night of no sleep

OP posts:
layladomino · 23/09/2021 07:59

But you will push through just like yesterday. You know the truth. You speak the truth. The truth will win. We're all holding you in our thoughts.

HereticFanjo · 23/09/2021 08:06

You're nearly there OP. You are fantastic. You have no idea how much in awe of you I am Flowers You will sleep so well after x

StrongArm · 23/09/2021 08:09

I didn't sleep for a week either and at the end of the trial, which was near the Thames, I honestly felt like throwing myself into it! The way you're feeling sounds totally normal albeit utterly awful.

I'm afraid I couldn't stop myself snapping back - it's totally human. If you can stop yourself, you are super human :).

Well done you're doing brilliantly and have everyone on your side

Ps at the end of the trial, I met the barrister representing the guy who was attacking women and shouted I don't know how you sleep at night especially if you have daughters Blush. I still feel embarrassed about it now. These trials evoke such strong feelings in you.