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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

572 replies

Queenie6655 · 11/08/2021 10:44

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
ajandjjmum · 20/09/2021 17:23

Nomatter what, you have right on your side. As well as the might of MN! Grin

WheresYourSnickers · 20/09/2021 19:52

Best of luck tomorrow @Queenie6655!
Remember you know the truth, and even getting the tell that in court is a good thing - it goes on the record.
All of MN will be standing behind you, cheering you on!
It'll all be over soon Flowers

Queenie6655 · 20/09/2021 22:47

@ajandjjmum

Nomatter what, you have right on your side. As well as the might of MN! Grin
Absolutely
OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 20/09/2021 22:48

@WheresYourSnickers

Best of luck tomorrow *@Queenie6655*! Remember you know the truth, and even getting the tell that in court is a good thing - it goes on the record. All of MN will be standing behind you, cheering you on! It'll all be over soon Flowers
Thanks so so much

Head held high

Time for justice

These abusers need to get what they finally deserve

It has to happen xxxx

OP posts:
Dontstress · 20/09/2021 23:14

I’m sorry I’m late in the day for this. I’m a defence lawyer. I hope you will appreciate my perspective. You have been given a lot of good advice here.

Firstly, the barrister is just doing a job. It isn’t personal, so try not to take it personally. Easier to say than do.

They are trained and experienced in making you angry (and therefore volatile and unreliable). There is nothing wrong with crying. You have been through so much. If possible though, try not let them make you angry. Definitely do not question them back- it doesn’t go down well.

They are required to put the defence case to you. That means that they must ask you about every bit of what he says that is different to what you say. And they will suggest you are lying about it. That is their job. It doesn’t mean that anyone else in the court room agrees with what they are suggesting.

I completely agree with the advice above to look at the judge. Detach from the questioner if you can.

If you are asked the same question several times, or in different ways, it’s fine to keep giving the same answer. That is done to see if you change your answer, so don’t start doubting what you know to be true. This is probably the most important thing.

If you don’t know the answer to a question it’s fine to say you don’t know or don’t remember. Don’t guess, because that is likely to lead to further grilling.

I hope I haven’t added stress. You will be fine. You know you are telling the truth so just give your account.

And finally, remember that if he is found not guilty it doesn’t have to mean that they didn’t believe you. You are not bringing this case, the cps are. They have to prove it, not you.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Justilou1 · 21/09/2021 08:06

Oh darling I am sending you strength for today from Australia. Please remember what the previous poster said above and also every time you can feel yourself reacting, squeeze your toes up instead. Do something that only you can feel and no one can see. (Great time for pelvic floor exercising, maybe???) It will distract you from an immediate verbal response. I am thinking of you and sending you all the strength you need to draw on! X

Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 08:24

@Dontstress

I’m sorry I’m late in the day for this. I’m a defence lawyer. I hope you will appreciate my perspective. You have been given a lot of good advice here.

Firstly, the barrister is just doing a job. It isn’t personal, so try not to take it personally. Easier to say than do.

They are trained and experienced in making you angry (and therefore volatile and unreliable). There is nothing wrong with crying. You have been through so much. If possible though, try not let them make you angry. Definitely do not question them back- it doesn’t go down well.

They are required to put the defence case to you. That means that they must ask you about every bit of what he says that is different to what you say. And they will suggest you are lying about it. That is their job. It doesn’t mean that anyone else in the court room agrees with what they are suggesting.

I completely agree with the advice above to look at the judge. Detach from the questioner if you can.

If you are asked the same question several times, or in different ways, it’s fine to keep giving the same answer. That is done to see if you change your answer, so don’t start doubting what you know to be true. This is probably the most important thing.

If you don’t know the answer to a question it’s fine to say you don’t know or don’t remember. Don’t guess, because that is likely to lead to further grilling.

I hope I haven’t added stress. You will be fine. You know you are telling the truth so just give your account.

And finally, remember that if he is found not guilty it doesn’t have to mean that they didn’t believe you. You are not bringing this case, the cps are. They have to prove it, not you.

Good luck for tomorrow.

This is wonderful

Thanks so much

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 08:25

@Justilou1

Oh darling I am sending you strength for today from Australia. Please remember what the previous poster said above and also every time you can feel yourself reacting, squeeze your toes up instead. Do something that only you can feel and no one can see. (Great time for pelvic floor exercising, maybe???) It will distract you from an immediate verbal response. I am thinking of you and sending you all the strength you need to draw on! X
Love this thanks so much

Leaving now walking over there

Petrified
Xxxxxx

All this advice has helped hugely

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 09:27

So can't stop running to bathroom

Just used one and there was no curtains
Jury were queuing up close by to get in

Hope they didn't see me

Only this could happen to me 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/09/2021 09:28

Rooting for you op....

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/09/2021 09:34

We are all with you.

Remember deep breath before every answer, say it in your head first then out loud, ask for a moment if you need it and explain its bringing back distressing memories but that those memories are crystal clear and you just need a second, don't be tempted to fill silences and if the answer is 'yes' or 'no', those answers are fine. You don't have to justify everything if you're telling the truth which you are.

x

deleteasappropriate · 21/09/2021 10:00

Go get him Queenie, you might not feel it at the moment but you're a Shero- it takes strength and bravery to do what you're doing when you're so afraid. We're all here and rooting for you Thanks

Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 10:02

@deleteasappropriate

Go get him Queenie, you might not feel it at the moment but you're a Shero- it takes strength and bravery to do what you're doing when you're so afraid. We're all here and rooting for you Thanks
So so true

Just waiting

Please god let this be ok xxx

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 10:03

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We are all with you.

Remember deep breath before every answer, say it in your head first then out loud, ask for a moment if you need it and explain its bringing back distressing memories but that those memories are crystal clear and you just need a second, don't be tempted to fill silences and if the answer is 'yes' or 'no', those answers are fine. You don't have to justify everything if you're telling the truth which you are.

x

Excellent advice

You guys are the absolute best

Update yoh all later

Lovely witness support team here and a wonderful DC very lucky !!!!!

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 21/09/2021 10:29

Hope it all goes as ok as it can today. I've not been where you are but have experienced sitting through a trial as a family member & that was difficult enough & mentally and emotionally exhausting (both the lead up & throughout).

Stay strong, it will all be over soon but go and tell your truth - lots of us here rooting for you. You're being so strong & it's amazing that you're seeing this through as so many women don't
ThanksThanks Thanks

Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 10:46

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu

Hope it all goes as ok as it can today. I've not been where you are but have experienced sitting through a trial as a family member & that was difficult enough & mentally and emotionally exhausting (both the lead up & throughout).

Stay strong, it will all be over soon but go and tell your truth - lots of us here rooting for you. You're being so strong & it's amazing that you're seeing this through as so many women don't
ThanksThanks Thanks

Yes I tell my truth as best as I can

Thanks for your kind words

Doing this too for all the innocent d v victims who have been left voiceless

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 21/09/2021 11:01

I've followed this thread since the start, you are such a strong woman op. I'm virtually cheering you in today Thanks

Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 11:05

Thanks so much

Lovely man from witness support keeps coming in to check on me and I just keep crying

Will be fine
Can't help the tears

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 11:43

And all the great advice here was reiterated when the cps barrister came to introduce himself

Was so grateful to already have a good idea of what to expect

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 21/09/2021 13:15
Flowers
Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 13:16

Lovely judge

So many kind people here

Waiting to be torn apart by the barrister

OP posts:
PartTimePoster · 21/09/2021 13:26

As someone who has done what you're doing - It will be ok!

Focus on a friendly face in the room, keep answers as concise as possible, don't get flustered when they talk nonsense to make you look in the wrong, it's their job, it's part of their act - They know they're defending a scumbag 9 times out of 10

I promise you if you've got this far you are more than capable than getting through it, we only know how strong we are when being strong is the only option!

I'm sure I speak for everyone here when we say we're proud of you and really, truly hope it goes ok.. I promise you'll feel relieved and various other emotions when it's done

Focus on being kind to yourself, one day at a time - You can do this!

X

Queenie6655 · 21/09/2021 13:35

@PartTimePoster

As someone who has done what you're doing - It will be ok!

Focus on a friendly face in the room, keep answers as concise as possible, don't get flustered when they talk nonsense to make you look in the wrong, it's their job, it's part of their act - They know they're defending a scumbag 9 times out of 10

I promise you if you've got this far you are more than capable than getting through it, we only know how strong we are when being strong is the only option!

I'm sure I speak for everyone here when we say we're proud of you and really, truly hope it goes ok.. I promise you'll feel relieved and various other emotions when it's done

Focus on being kind to yourself, one day at a time - You can do this!

X

Thank you so so much

Very much appreciated

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 21/09/2021 13:52

You can and will do this. Remember he has no power over you anymore xx

QueenBee52 · 21/09/2021 14:11

🌸💕