I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

Your value does not hang on your bum size op, you are still talking about this despite the number of posts suggesting you are actually BEING abused.

Do you think it is normal to be obsessed or even thinking about it given you are CEV, now exposed to covid as he refuses the vaccine, with three children isolated and cut off from the outside world reliant on a man that is cruel and abusing and only values women for the size of their body parts.... the actual size of your bum is totally and utterly irrelevant.

Do you think you might be wearing him down by bringing bums into the conversation all the time? If you keep asking him and asking him about you bum, do you think he might have just agreed with you out of exasperation?

How on earth are people coming to the conclusion that the husband is this poor soul backed into a corner, with a bum obsessed wife constantly in his face...

I'm assuming this has come about from his surgery comment!? and after such an extreme and horrible thing to say I'm not surprised the OP now has a complex about her appearance.

OP, you seem to put a lot of your worth on how you look and using your body or looks to “win” him over (and presumably others).

You are more than your body and it will age.

@Workinghardeveryday One thing you have said that astounds me is you say you are clinically vulnerable yet your H won't have the vaccine.

So he's happy to risk your life?
(And his own, and other peoples.)

You say you have no contact with anyone else- friends or family- as you are ECV.

Yet he is doing nothing to protect you.

I think you need to wake up to what this marriage is.

And as for texting all day when he's at work! He can't be working that hard if he can do that

You sound co -dependent, please look it up and get some help.

@Candydreamer, if you read all the OP’s post and connect the dots, you will see that the OP’s view of her body is a big feature of her relationship. I’d say more so than is normal for adult women. Some of the details the OP included, like her BMI and where it is, was an unnecessary piece of info but showed the sort of thing that occupies her mind.

Also if her body is what she has always used to “win” her husband over, one can only surmise that her body has been a big “thing” in the relationship.

This has to be fake.

@VodselForDinner

When did the cracks start to show, OP?

@VodselForDinner I can’t 😂

@Workinghardeveryday OP I bet he’s not physically perfect. He apologised for what he said - he’s still a twat for having said it - but if you want to make it would then honestly, id make a joke about it and just let it go. I’m attractive (I think!) but I’m not perfect. I know my previous partners may have fancied other parts of other women, it honestly didn’t bother me. I think you need to accept what he said was cruel and insensitive but also remember he acknowledged that. I bet you have a great bum! Smaller won’t droop!

@Workinghardeveryday - he isn’t you, though. Expecting him to react to things as you would have done is like him expecting you to have a bigger bum - pointless. He has said he likes your bum, he texts you every day to tell you he loves you. What else do you want him to do? Is he acting out of character, or are you expecting him to be a different person? From his perspective, bums are now not a safe thing to talk about. From yours, it’s all you think about.

In reality, it sounds like you have relied too much on your looks in your relationship as the reason for it being successful and now he has planted doubts in your mind about your continued physical attractiveness, you don’t feel your relationship has much to fall back on.

You can bus your bum with exercise, just like you can build any other muscle.
Sprinters have big arses, distance runners have small ones.

Sampafie, the OP's post is one of the saddest posts I have read. All of you who find this funny must be so immature, and have no empathy whatsoever. I pity you for your lack of understanding, and for the fact that your mind finds humour in other peoples pain. I hope I am not on Mumsnet the day that reality smacks you in the face...

OP, I really hope that you can find the courage to chuck this pathetic waste of space out of your home, and out of your life, but believe me I understand your fear of lonliness.

Time for you to start obsessing loudly over Kanye OP.

@montysma1 but if you have very little muscle mass there, no amount of exercise will make it bigger or more shapely. Some people have flat bottoms. Even when they gain weight it becomes large but remains flat.

In any case, we all age and the body will age. Some races age better than others face and body wise but all eventually have to bow to Mother Nature and that’s why you must never place your worth on your body. You body is not you and making your looks rather than health (mental and physical) the centre of your universe is bound to bring unhappiness.

I’m sorry that you feel this way OP. To play Devil’s advocate, you guys were having a nice evening, then you randomly start questioning whether he fancies a woman on the tv. Then you push further and start questioning the bum thing. He comes up with a perfectly reasonable response (in my opinion) and it seems as though he is just trying to be honest with you. I would be annoyed if I was him that you have for no apparent reason brought this whole issue up again. It screams insecurity (which is also unattractive).

Questioning your partner once every few weeks (I am assuming this as you say you have brought it up 5 times since) is not going to help matters or change how he feels. It will just drag the whole topic back up again. He will probably think ‘what does she want from me??’ He tries the truth, you don’t like it. He will assume if he tries to make you feel better or if he lies about the situation, you’ll think he’s being dishonest. He cannot win.

I would try really hard to work on your own self esteem - confidence is sexy. Asking if he fancies other women and asking about their bums is not sexy. I know it’s tempting to ask him about it as it bothers you and you want the reassurance, but whatever answer he gives will obviously not make you happy, as you keep bringing it up.

[quote MrsMayJune]@Candydreamer, if you read all the OP’s post and connect the dots, you will see that the OP’s view of her body is a big feature of her relationship. I’d say more so than is normal for adult women. Some of the details the OP included, like her BMI and where it is, was an unnecessary piece of info but showed the sort of thing that occupies her mind.

Also if her body is what she has always used to “win” her husband over, one can only surmise that her body has been a big “thing” in the relationship.[/quote]
She says it is has stemmed since his surgery comment, the fixtation on her bum started gearing up after this. I am not surprised at all, especially if OP did not have the highest self esteem before.

I had a boyfriend like this. May not have seemed massive on the surface of it - you're not Beyonce, why are you wearing your hair up, I like blonde girls really (I am redheaded), I like girls who wear make up (I often don't). You very quickly start comparing yourself to others and wondering if your partner actually is attracted to you or not, I also experimented with dying my hair lighter, started wearing more make up etc.

The sad thing is, it didn't change anything. He was still nasty and destroyed my self esteem. Which is exactly what OPs husbands comments have done to her, hence the 'obsession' with improving her bum and needing reassurance on what it looks like.

@Workinghardeveryday

I just feel totally crushed. We have been together 13 years, he is a bum man, never been interested in my boobs, only ever my bum. For him to say what he did that night was like him saying he doesn’t find me sexy anymore. I can’t get past it. All I wanted was for him to make me feel better about myself instead of embarrassed. I just don’t trust anything he says, he has never brought it up, when I have (total of 5 times), he was nice and tried to make me feel better, always said he didn’t like big bums, his head was messed up with everything, he was sorry. As stupid as it is tonight was the first time he has said in fact he does. He was a twat, I had every right to cry but I actually wasn’t. He won’t talk to me knowing I am angry and upset. Shouted at me and left - again. I am fuming

All I wanted was for him to make me feel better about myself instead of embarrassed.

You are responsible for how you feel, not others.

He has reduced your worth to the size of a single body part. You deserve better than this. Why waste your time on someone so shallow? Surely you're worth more than this?

At the very least, work on your self-esteem and understand that the problem isn't you and your 'small' bottom at all.

This is ridiculous.

Rather a melodramatic thread title OP— you sound a bit obsessed with how you look and he sounds an immature knob - comes across as like something off love island— I’m sure you are better than this as a person — if I was you I would start talking about some more intellectual things than your arse— that should throw him!

@VodselForDinner

When did the cracks start to show, OP?

😂😂😂

@Candydreamer sorry to hear that. Well done for getting out.

Regarding the OP, her obsession with her body was exacerbated by her husband’s comments but from her posts, she has for a long time out her worth the in her looks and how she can use it to get what she wants.

I do agree the importance of my looks to me is probably not right. But saying that I don’t look for reassurance from him ever. I always took for red he thought I was perfect and loved me unconditionally but then found out this wasn’t the case at all.
If he just even once came to me and sat me down and said he wanted to talk about it, told me he thought I was attractive and fancied me and my body things would have been very different. All I wanted was reassuring that’s all but he didn’t bother.
Last night he got annoyed again most lightly the thought of me being upset could spoil his film and he couldn’t be bothered with talking. I had no intention of talking, I wasn’t crying.
I for once stood up for myself and told him I thought it was disgusting he actually thought I was sad and upset and that resulted in him storming off in a mood. I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that. It’s just mean.

@Workinghardeveryday

The cracks started to show a couple of years ago. We stopped doing the deed, only once every 3 weeks or so. Yes he was staying up and watching porn. Yes I think about the fact they all had lovely bums and mine is small

‘The cracks’ 😂😂😂

Queen instantly popped into my mind too!

Put what he said out of your mind! Who cares whether he likes big bums, small bums or all bums? It’s just a way to make you feel insecure and grateful for his attention.

The fact he said it says nothing about you, and everything about him. It’s a cruel way to undermine you and keep you on guard. I had a boyfriend in my teens who did this - made a comment and made me paranoid. In reality, what he said was completely untrue, but it took ages to get it out of my mind. I sympathise.

Be strong and value yourself. Forget your bum/weight/BMI. Concentrate on being yourself for you and no-one else.