I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

This is unbelievably stupid

Seriously Op, it's like you are pushing him to say 'big bums' are attractive. You almost want him to say it. I have never sat and watched a film with my dh in 24 years together and discussed the attractiveness/body shape of actresses especially not the body shape. People have value far beyond the shape of their body parts.

Looks like I will get the silent treatment all day

Put some music on then. Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls has already been suggested.

Or there's Donna Bummer.

But OP why does a comment about your bum means he does not love you unconditionally?

You are equating his love for you base on what he thinks about parts of your body.

You seem to have lost perspective of his love for you based on his attraction to bigger bottoms than you have.

How does he treat you and what does he think of you as a person. That’s what you should use to assess his love for you and not whether he has a thing for a bigger bottom.

At this stage, what do you want him to say? Because there is nothing he can say now, based on your criteria, that would help the situation. He must realise that. If he says he likes small bums, you say he is lying. If he says he likes bigger bottoms you will be upset. If he says he likes both, you are still upset. This bum business has taken on a larger than life status in your relationship.

You are not your bum and mixing his view on individual body parts to unconditional love is not healthy.

@Workinghardeveryday, one thing that jumped out at me: in your last post you said you are not looking for reassurance from him but immediately went on to say you actually are.

I really think you need to find someone to speak to to help you work through this. You are clearly deeply affected and on your own, you may not be able to make sense of what’s going on for you.

How old are you?

@Rach888

I’m sorry that you feel this way OP. To play Devil’s advocate, you guys were having a nice evening, then you randomly start questioning whether he fancies a woman on the tv. Then you push further and start questioning the bum thing. He comes up with a perfectly reasonable response (in my opinion) and it seems as though he is just trying to be honest with you. I would be annoyed if I was him that you have for no apparent reason brought this whole issue up again. It screams insecurity (which is also unattractive).

Questioning your partner once every few weeks (I am assuming this as you say you have brought it up 5 times since) is not going to help matters or change how he feels. It will just drag the whole topic back up again. He will probably think ‘what does she want from me??’ He tries the truth, you don’t like it. He will assume if he tries to make you feel better or if he lies about the situation, you’ll think he’s being dishonest. He cannot win.

I would try really hard to work on your own self esteem - confidence is sexy. Asking if he fancies other women and asking about their bums is not sexy. I know it’s tempting to ask him about it as it bothers you and you want the reassurance, but whatever answer he gives will obviously not make you happy, as you keep bringing it up.

OP this is some of the best advice on this thread. Stop baiting him. He may never bring it up again if you don’t. I also agree with PP who said that Love Island has a lot to answer for. It’s not representative of real life, real bodies etc but people get sucked in. Good luck 💐

@Workinghardeveryday - sorry, but you regularly raising the subject of bums and whether or not your dh does just like big bums, or small ones as well, or whether he is now ever allowed to admit to liking big bums as well as small bums is simply pathetic. He has apologised, he has been nice to you since, he has told you he likes your bum. Of course you aren’t bloody perfect. Neither is he. You are being emotionally exhausting, though - many people would have chosen to walk out on you at that point, to avoid another conversation-on-a-loop that makes nobody feel any better.

I posted this once and will do so again.

YOU ARE ECV AND YOUR H REFUSES TO HAVE THE VACCINE

SO HE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU DIE.

How important is the size of your bum in the grand scheme of things?

FGS , get some perspective and get out of this abusive marriage.

@Workinghardeveryday

He hasn’t watched porn for a couple of years. We are always together unless he is working so I don’t know how he could possibly be. I agree that’s where his obsession started, does that mean he will always be this way now?!

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound very healthy - "always together" makes it sound like neither of you have friends, or a life, outside of one another??

Your self-esteem sounds rock bottom and I am not surprised...once a DP starts watching porn, your conscience can play tricks with your mind that you're not enough.

I think a big part of the issue is that you are literally desperately depending on your DP to be your everything - to make you happy - to reassure you etc.....stop putting your worth in his hands.
You are also pain shopping by asking him if he finds other women attractive/making the bum thing a bigger issue.

Work on your self-esteem, get some counselling and you might feel differently about your outlook.

He probably wants his DW to be happy and not endlessly bang on about whether she's attractive enough. How can he be happy if you keep on? Stop doing the relentless bum exercises and have confidence in yourself. He is with you and had a family with you for you, with your small bum.

@PickAChew

The only arse you need to get is with him for being so bloody shallow.

OK, and maybe yourself for doing the most ridiculous pick me dance, ever.

All of this.

In a long term relationship, why on earth was he so hung up on one aspect of your appearance that he was crying over it? That's not normal.

And why do you let his preference regarding one body part dictate your happiness? That's not normal either. The quality of your relationship is about far more than just whether your bum fits his ideal.

You asking those questions during the film was basically just like picking at a scab to re-open your wound.

You are also pain shopping by asking him if he finds other women attractive/making the bum thing a bigger issue.

This is a very good way of putting it.

And he was right to be pissed off at you asking barbed questions during a film. Asking questions in order to deliberately trigger an answer that will upset you is not a nice thing to do to your partner.

@VsgKitt

Well I know my DP would model his perfect woman on a size 10 32Dd frame but I'm the mother of his kids and am more like a hefty teletubby but I know he loves me. He would never tell me I should get surgery to be more attractive to him.

Why are you with him?

This made me laugh..

I am a complete teletubby too and when I feel down about my weight after birth DH tells me how wonderful I look and convinces me that no matter what I look like he will always love me.

Kick the looser out!!

OP, I’m so sorry you are struggling with this. Reading your posts it seems like you have been very isolated since March last year, and that must be hard to cope with mentally. I wonder if, because of this, you are especially fixated on the bum comment. During lockdown I’ve found myself overthinking lots of things and have realised it soon becomes a downward spiral.

So I think you need to try to switch your focus to other things, distract yourself. What hobbies do you have? Do you have friends/family to chat to? As your kids are a bit older, perhaps you could look at getting part time work? You need to diversify your life. It will help your self esteem to get outside the home (the world is opening up now, even for CEV people) and have the chance to be valued for who you are, not for how you look. By your own admission you are a little too focussed on appearances. Do you judge other people’s value by how physically attractive they are? Of course you don’t. So why do it to yourself?

I’d also suggest that some counselling would help you. I haven’t read you other threads that PP have referred to, but if you are in an abusive relationship then counselling will also help you see that and gather the strength to do something about it. It’s great that you’ve already seen a solicitor - knowledge is power.

Finally, don’t be afraid to not be in a relationship. You wouldn’t be alone - you have 3 lovely children who adore you - and you would build an amazing life for yourself. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve that too. I really like this saying: “everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Good luck 💐

Urgh it's really upsetting that his is now becoming the OP's fault, and everybody rushing to reassure the DP that he loves her for her etc is missing the point because it's him that should be saying it.

OP it's obvious just from your thread title that you're still really angry with him about this and I understand why. Every time you try to talk about it he huffs at you for still being annoyed and it turns you into a nagging person obsessed with her arse when actually it all stems from his attitude. None of us knows how he feels about you or your arse or arses in general - and if he won't talk about it how are you supposed to know either?

If this ends the relationship it won't be because of your arse or because you're obsessed with appearances it will be because something happened inside him that led him to say that hideous thing about your body and for whatever reason he is not communicating what it is. Maybe it was a stupid thought that should never have left his thick brain but if so why can't he bloody say that? Maybe it is indicative of the everyday grind of children and work and blah blah but he's in charge of the feelings that stem from that, not you! If he talked to you about them you might actually be sympathetic.

It's not about your arse it's about communication - I'd be trying to have a last bash at actually TALKING about what's happening in your relationship.

Porn sick.

Oh for goodness sake so what !!!

Dear God! Unconditional love for another adult, err no. So he prefers a bigger arse, so what. The suggestion of surgery was laughable. The issue was how his porn use was impacting your sex life. Comparing yourself to women who have surgically enhanced themselves to cater to the sexual proclivities of sad men behind screens, is daft.

It sounds like your self esteem is inextricably linked to your looks and the value he places on them. He’s admitted to preferring a particular size of attribute over an other. Wanting your partner to be attracted to you is one thing, your disappointment at one of his particular preferences, is something else. You are a total package and more that just your backside. Fixating on this won’t change his preference but it will corrode your relationship if you let it.

There's an easy way round this. Stop looking for reassurance from other people and expecting them to second guess your thoughts, and start looking to yourself for assurance that you are enough as you are.

I think making someone have a conversation about bums for 6 hours is ridiculous. Still crying about bums years later is weird.

Just get rid of him if you’re not happy.

This thread just shows how low the expectations are of men. "Bum man", "boob man" I just tried to picture myself breaking down and crying in front of DP as I "have a thing for big chins" and him accepting me as a "chin woman" and feeling low about it.

So he wants you to have a big bum like the women in porn?

Has he got a cock that's as huge as a male porn stars?

"Darling, I've been thinking, and in order to make our sex life as brilliant as possible, I've booked myself in to get bum implants. I've also booked you in for a penis extension. Are you super excited?"

I cannot get my head around this thread. Why do you want to be with someone who’s love is conditional based on the state of your arse!?!

You do everything for him short of wiping his arse?

Why?

Are you his mother?

You've already got 3 kids, and most mothers get their kids to contribute to chores and learn to do basic things like laundry abs cooking as they grow up. So why does he get waited on hand and foot.

Maybe he'd have less time to watch porn and form stupid shallow fixations on body parts (particularly since a gib arse wasn't important when he was getting into a relationship with you, staying innot, impregnating you again least three times, bringing 3 kids into the world with you etc etc. If it's so fkg important then why did he do all that wiry a woman who doesn't have a big arse? Sounds like he's developed the fixation through watching porn and then went on to fuck up your sex life. Then put his foot in it hugely with this piece of ridiculous shallowness when you put him under pressure about your sex life.

He found selfish, shallow, immature and spoilt.

Am no wonder if you do everything for him abd spend so much energy worrying about being desirable to him.

Ive seen lots of women women Gerd say "I do everything for him and he doesn't a,but,c (care, love me, respect me, (in some cases) be faithful ..... stop, because that's notvwhst makes someone live you or respect you or treat you well, quote the opposite in many cases.

Tell him you've been watching porn abd he has a small dick computer to porn actors ... you don't want sex with him anymore, you're going to use a vibrator the size of their dicks abd watch porn, you might even leave (your relationship and family with 3 kids) to find a man with that size of dick. Because that's all that matters, right.

All very reasonable, sensible and realistic eh.