I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

@ChewtonRoad, many women are not born with flat or small backsides. It does not mean their occupation in life is to be porn stars. If he likes big breast would that mean it’s because he watches porn?

Let’s not denigrate women’s body. The man likes bigger bottoms than what the OP has. There isn’t a problem with that. The problem is it has now become a defining feature of their relationship and it is destroying their relationship.

OP,

It's not remotely amusing what you've written, I didn't find even your first post "funny" because someone suggesting if you altered your appearance with surgery in order to have sex with you every night is a horrible and cruel thing to say to someone. Even if in his mind, he has a preference, if he is with you, why would he voice that?

Does he normally try and crush your self esteem? Because he has. It comes through in everything you post, seems like you are treading on egg shells around him and if you dare be upset at anything (even though I know you said you wasn't crying) his answer is to fly off the handle.

not worth it. He does not sound like someone who is pleasant to be in a relationship with at all.

I don't think he has a problem with your bum at all. I think that he's picked on it because he knows it's something you don't like about yourself and at the end of a 6 hour conversation he needed to make some kind of statement that ended the whole situation.

Is leaving him an option for you? I mean, are you considering it? You should be

[quote MrsMayJune]@ChewtonRoad, many women are not born with flat or small backsides. It does not mean their occupation in life is to be porn stars. If he likes big breast would that mean it’s because he watches porn?

Let’s not denigrate women’s body. The man likes bigger bottoms than what the OP has. There isn’t a problem with that. The problem is it has now become a defining feature of their relationship and it is destroying their relationship.[/quote]
I'm not really surprised it is destroying their relationship, not sure I could come back from the surgery comment, it is a vile thing to say.

He is demeaning her, he is using her body to shame and demean her. The fact that she is so vulnerable to his comments and cruelty suggests to me an abusive relationship where the op has become a commodity and powerless. It is not great and definitely not funny. It becomes more serious with every update.

I think you should flip this bum argument.

Which famous person do you quite fancy? Pick a characteristic that they have (and your DH does not) and start obsessing over it.

Make sure you watch porn that focuses on this characteristic and casually leave it open on the iPad

Comment on it when you notice an actor or presenter

Then tell DH he needs to have surgery to rectify his shortcomings.

Maybe he might realise quite how awful he's been, making you feel like this?

Wow so he creating an argument so he could justifiably leave the house to go and do whatever. I think you'll find this is just the tip of the iceberg. Pornography is corrosive and even begin to undermine erections it causes erectile dysfunction and aswell as attitudes towards intimacy and like any other substance it can become addictive.

I'm sorry you're going through this can you get some individual counselling to help you with your self esteem

I may be wrong here but I am sending the OP has body issues even before her husband made this comment. Sounds like she may near underweight (which she mentioned in terms of low BMI). I wonder whether the hours and hours of talking revolves around her body and she needing reassurance. I don’t know what I would eventually do or so if my husband was constantly talking about his body and seeking reassurance about his body.

Irrespective of the husband, the OP sounds like she has body issues that will continue unless she seeks help. I’m not sure the husband is the issue here. He may be compounding her body issues but it’s unclear whether the body issues started with his comments.

*sensing

@Lexiconoflove

Bumsnet

Guffaw

@Workinghardeveryday - it is not your bum that is the problem here. Your neurotic, obsessive focus on it is the problem. However much you enlarge your bum, your relationship with your dh will remain shit. Even he now realises, now you talk about little else and keep bringing bums into the conversation, that your bum was the least of both your problems. Clearly, since your bum has always been small, he married you because he loved you. Now all you think about is your arse, something he never loved you for in the first place, and anything else he ever loved you for is being erased by an obsessive and unhealthy focus on one thing.

Good idea! In reality I couldn’t hurt him that way, it would eat me up but I have come so close to listing off all his characteristics that aren’t great believe me. I know there would be no going back from it if I did.
Looks like I will get the silent treatment all day. He always txts me about 7.30 when he gets to work with a lovely message and we txt frequently all day, always have.
I wonder if I am in the wrong? Did I overreact to him getting annoyed because he thought I was crying? I don’t actually know. I thought it was really cold, maybe he was right?

OP please please don't ever even consider bum surgery - don't let this escalate to a point where you're thinking about it. No one who cares about you should even suggest it, it's so risky. You are worth so much more than a body part x

@VaguelyInteresting

He CRIED because of the size of your arse?!

A grown man CRIED because he wanted you to get bum surgery?!

This thread has finished me.

No. He cried because they'd spent six hours discussing the state of their relationship

Come on now, stop making it out to seem as though we are laughing at OP. Itd just the whole text that was cringeworthy funny. Also the more OP posts the more its evident that she just needs a space to vent, she is clearly OK with how things are and isnt going to leave him so people can stop posting those comments IMO

many women are not born with flat or small backsides. It does not mean their occupation in life is to be porn stars.
I don't think I said that a life goal was to be in porn, and of course women come in all shapes and sizes. Workinghardeveryday said her husband has watched porn and as such that's likely skewed not only his expectations of women's physical presence in the world but also how women are expected to behave in life.

If he like big breast would that mean it's because he watches porn? Possibly, but not necessarily.

Let’s not denigrate women’s body. I agree.

The man likes bigger bottoms than what the OP has. There isn’t a problem with that. The problem is it has now become a defining feature of their relationship and it is destroying their relationship.
With the title of this thread "I fucking hate him. What a total bastard" I think the relationship already has been destroyed - by him.

@Walkaround this really is the problem. The OP’s obsession rather than her husband. She should work on her mind, not her body. She will exhaust herself and any current or future partner with this constant talk about bottoms and looking for reassurance about her body.

People say all sorts of things when they’re being interrogated for hours or constantly. Even innocent people are known to confess to crimes they did not commit after constant questioning. Sometimes they just want the whole thing to stop and will say things they would rather have not said.

OP, you cannot control your husband or how he thinks. You can only control yourself. Whether you stay with him or not, your body issues will undermine your relationships.

@Workinghardeveryday - if you want to get past the bum comments, stop dragging people’s bums into the conversation. He has already told you he regrets saying it and likes small bums as well as big bums, he texts you constantly to tell you he loves you. Your obsessive seeking of reassurance is draining even for strangers in the internet, let alone anyone who lives with you and has to have 6-hour marathon conversations with you. No wonder he thought you were crying - you are stuck on this like a dog with a bone and your problems clearly started long before his bum comments or you wouldn’t have had a 6-hour marathon conversation beforehand. And if you think the problems were all caused by your bum, that’s just insane.

I don't think you've over-reacted at all.

You're reaction is completely rational under the circumstances.

At this point, you have to decide if you want to stay with him or split up over this.

If you're staying, you will need to find a way to make it work. He needs to make an effort to repair the damage he's caused by his insensitive behaviour, but you also will have to try and draw a line under the bum conversation. Otherwise how can you move forward?

@Workinghardeveryday

The cracks started to show a couple of years ago. We stopped doing the deed, only once every 3 weeks or so. Yes he was staying up and watching porn. Yes I think about the fact they all had lovely bums and mine is small

Ugggh porn is FAKE.

STOP trying to please this man. Everything about this thread has made me sad. You are running round in circles trying to tick all the boxes and make this man happy... but what is he doing for you? Making you feel worthless? Unattractive? Because he's comparing you to some plastic, airbrushed pornstar? Grim. I don't know how you can even want to go near him any more.

When does it end? Bigger arse? Bigger lips? Tits? Plastic face?

Stop stop stop and leave now. Build your self esteem on your own and then find someone who values you for who you are. Or get a dog.

@Walkaround it really wasn’t that way, I used to be really confident about my bum. He always loved it, in all the years we have been together he used to constantly touch it and make nice comments.
We don’t really talk about it, when he first said the comment I was so devastated, I think because I knew I couldn’t stay with someone who had such an opinion of a part of my body. I can’t explain how much it hurt me. I didn’t cry to start with I was gob smacked, didn’t see it coming at all. Then I went upstairs and I honestly felt drunk because my mind couldn’t process the hurt and different thoughts. Never happened to me in my life before that feeling, I didn’t know how to make myself feel better. Up to that point I could use my looks to win him back and I realised those days were gone.
The next day it was talked about briefly and the day after. As time went on it got me more down but I was always smiling around him. In the 6 months after I brought it up 3 times and each time I cried, just came from nowhere I had no intention of being upset talking about it. Explained how I was feeling and my confidence was shot. He was nice and said I have a lovely bum - what else could he say though. He has never tried to say anything about it after those conversations knowing what an effect his comments have had.
I just think if it was me I would do everything I could to build his confidence back up until he truly believed he had a bum to be proud of

Listen OP this man doesn't dislike your arse. It's not about your bum. It's just another stick for him to beat you with. Surely you can see that? He's an abuser.

I don’t know what I would eventually do or so if my husband was constantly talking about his body and seeking reassurance about his body.

Well this is the thing. We have no idea why he said this or why he cried.

It very much could have been a 6 hour argument where she was trying to force him to admit he didn't like her body and in the end he just said it to shut her and 6 hours of badgering was just too much.

6 hours of badgering, especially, if the op is already obsessed with talking about her body is enough to push anyone over edge.

I get the impression even if the arse converstation hadn't happened, op still did the 'do you think she is attractive?' All the time and never let up and was never happy if the person she was asking about didn't have her body type

As other people have said, so what if he likes big bums?! Am sure my do wishes I had a face like Jessica alba, but its never going to happen. Fantasy is one thing, and reality another. It's good he can be honest. Can u both maybe lighten up a bit about it, and enjoy eachothers company? And the intimacy of knowing that neither of u are perfect?
You'll have to decide between u if u are attracted enough to eachother (despite your imperfections) to make it work.

OP there’s no point doing bum exercises as they won’t increase the size of your bum, only tone it.

I’d seriously question why I was with this amateur proctologist.