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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

462 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 08/08/2021 22:58

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/08/2021 07:09

And this, my friends, is what happens when people are fed a diet of Love Island and TOWIE etc…..

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 07:13

I have to agree Rita it is pretty terrifying. We are talking about adults here not kids (I assume)

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 09/08/2021 07:15

@BrozTito

Where am i
Me too. I read that and wondered if I was having a stroke!

Leave him OP. You can't stay with someone this thick surely?

Farwest · 09/08/2021 07:19

Right. There is nothing wrong with your bum, and there never has been. Your lovely bum has nothing at all to dowith this.

When a man says that he would want you if only you had a different height/weight/tits/arse/body shape etc, the only response is 'fuck off'. And mean it. Let him fuck right off.

Because to criticize a feature that someone cannot change is unspeakably cruel. And why would you want to stay with someone cruel? Why is staying with a partner who causes you mental health problems preferable to being without him?

He's mad because you are calling out his cruelty and demonstrating that it is still devastating you after all this time.

Tell him you prefer men with big hearts.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2021 07:20

The size of your bum is neither here nor there. This sounds like a highly unhealthy immature relationship. He's a shallow, insensitive dick and you sound as if you massively over-react to trivial stuff.

I think you'd be far better off on your own for a bit.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 07:25

Well he’s gone to work not speaking to me. In a mood because I called him out for being angry with me because he thought I was crying. Another day doing the housework washing and cooking while trying to entertain 3 kids worrying he hates me.
I know a lot of you have had a good laugh at my life and yes written down it sounds very pathetic of me to even be bothered by this man. It is what it is and due to Covid I don’t see anyone I am CEV so don’t see any family or friends ever, so if I don’t have him I am alone.
I agree that if he loves me my arse shouldn’t bother him, maybe that is why I am so upset about it because I know that. It’s not a horrible arse it is proportion to my frame, unfortunately for me it’s not big enough for what he has decided he finds attractive anymore and it really hurts my feelings.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 09/08/2021 07:26

Seriously, is there anything else about your appearance or personality that you are insecure about, because he will pick on that next ( if he hasn't already)? Maybe then you will see the pattern. I'll say this one more time - it's not about your bum!
Do you find his physique perfect? Are there in existence men with better bodies? Are you arsed about that when having sex with him? Probably not, neither are men. Now why do you have to be perfect when he isn't. His personality sure isn't, so crude, just yuk. Not sure how you would want to with him tbh.

JulesCobb · 09/08/2021 07:27

He truly is pathetic, op. How can you find him attractive?!

judgejudyrocks · 09/08/2021 07:30

I read your post and just thought "what a waste of a life". You get one chance at life, and you are spending all this time doing bum workouts to please this total tosser. Why? Genuine question.

  1. He likes big bums (why is this even a thing?)
  1. You don't have one
  1. You will never have one
  1. He will never fancy you as much as you want him to
  1. And, he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings by telling you all of the above.

It's time to get out of this absolute shit show. In 10 years time, you'll look back on this and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

longwayoff · 09/08/2021 07:31

Time for a change OP. Swap him for a grown up. You'll be surprised at the different ways in which you can spend 6 hours.

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 07:34

Your issue is not your body, but the fact you seem entirely isolated op.

You seem highly dependent on him for everything, and maybe this needs to change?

Have you spoken about your health status with a doctor? Most people have been given the all clear to lead as close to a normal life as possible. Even my terminally ill Aunt had a party yesterday. How are you locked away with three children and no contact?

You last post has made me feel quite worried for you.
Do you have family and friends around you? Support from outside the home?

He knows your isolating and he is making direct attacks and comparisons about your body, are these the actions of a decent kind and caring man?

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 07:35

He isn’t perfect by any means. When we met he was insecure about his very slim weight. I spent a good while always complimenting and building his confidence. Now he is older he has gained weight and looks better for it. I find him attractive because I love him no matter what.
Shame he doesn’t feel the same way isn’t it. I just don’t think he can be bothered with me anymore. Suppose he knows he can treat me how he wants because I am stuck in the house and don’t have a life other than him and kids. Maybe he hates me because of that, because we can’t do the things we used to. Was a big red flag earlier in the year when he was offered the vaccine to keep me safe and he refused, still not had it

OP posts:
thecatsabsentcojones · 09/08/2021 07:37

He’s the kind of bloke that if you had a giant arse he’d be telling you to lose weight.

You will never please someone like that. As for crying about it, I honestly would have laughed my arse off at that point.

Go and find a proper bloke.

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 07:38

Seriously, he choose not to have the vaccine even though you are CEV?

How can he care so little for you op. Does that not tell you all you need to know about how much he values and cares for you? Assuming covid could mean the end of your life, most people would move heaven and earth to protect their loved ones.

Why are you staying with a man that cares so little for you?

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 07:39

He’s the kind of bloke that if you had a giant arse he’d be telling you to lose weight

Nailed it.

You are totally spot on with this post.

You will never be good enough, and nor will any real woman op.

He is totally sold on the porn version of life, a lost cause.

LipstickLou · 09/08/2021 07:44

OP I agree with @stepupandbecounted

You do sound isolated. Is there not someone you could talk to? Your mum, a sister, an old friend?
Bodies are just tissue and water. I was a size 12 when I met my husband. We are now both fat and old but you know what? there is absolutely no way he would ever criticise me 33 years later. If he did he would be under the patio!

If you have daughters his manner towards you will give them unhealthy ideas about relationships. Ditto any boys. Think about moving on from this relationship.

MrsMayJune · 09/08/2021 07:47

@Mamanyt your post is spot on.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 09/08/2021 07:47

Ah, the dear old Sound Of Music

RickOShay · 09/08/2021 07:48

You don’t deserve this. Have you got anyone in real life you could chat to?

It’s honestly better to be on your own and free, than with someone who makes you feel like shit.
Flowers

rejectedcarrit · 09/08/2021 07:50

There is every chance he wanted you to be upset and crying by the most recent conversation and is now taking it out on you ? A relationship where someone says you are crying where you are not and then goes in a huff is not a happy place to be. Likely he takes you staying with him for granted - because you did. And that may mean he thinks he can upset you at will.
Any relationship where someone says 'if you had surgery on X, it would be fine' is not great. You will never return from that comment OP.

ChewtonRoad · 09/08/2021 07:52

In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. The only reasonable reply to that would have been "I'd like you to leave now and never come back."

In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
Your body is great just as it is. If you work out because you enjoy it then carry on, but if you're working out to please someone else it's time to reconsider.

I want it to work. I don’t want to be alone The first may not happen but the second is what's keeping you from looking after yourself. Being alone can be quite good at times.

If every time you walk down the street or from one room to another and you know a part of your body bothered your partner enough for you to have surgery how do you get past that? Seriously tell me how? You get past it by getting rid of the gaslighting, porn watching little toerag who claims "love" when it's nothing of the sort.

Was a big red flag earlier in the year when he was offered the vaccine to keep me safe and he refused, still not had it What a bloody selfish twat delightful chap.

Workinghardeveryday, I don't know everything but I do know this: you are not his support human. His issues are his responsibility to address, and they go far beyond the size and shape of your backside.

You have the choice to stay and be miserable or chuck him out and get on with your life. You have a daughter age 15 who has a fucking dire role model of How Not To Be A Man Or A Husband, and you both deserve better.

Anxiety46 · 09/08/2021 07:52

OP
Please leave this man !! How dare he say this to you. Awful thing to say. How would he feel if you said something along those lines to him ?
My god life is way, way too short for this. How old is he ?? .
Make a plan, it will be tough but I fear life will be a great deal harder for you in long run if you stay with this man.

MrsMayJune · 09/08/2021 07:53

@Mamanyt

LOOK...here's the "bottom" line here...what trips your trigger is what trips your trigger. He can no more help liking big bums than you can help NOT liking them. AND he seems to have tried to show you that he loves you and wants you, regardless of size. Or that's what you said. Then, MONTHS after the incident, you brought it up again and very pointedly. He felt you were attacking him, and not wrongly. Had the situation been reversed, the opinions here would have been very different.

If you really hate him, LEAVE. It is that simple. If you stay, your (very naturally) hurt feelings are going to keep both of you on edge and sniping at one another. But bear this in mind...You are NOT YOUR BUM. Nor does he seem to think that you are, and has tried to show you that (loved up) over time. You are the one who has taken this to heart, and made it the one single thing that this relationship hinges on.

The OP has now made her bottom the be all and end all of her relationship. I don’t see a way out for her unless she does some sett work on her self-esteem. Even if she is no longer with her husband, every future partner will probably be asked about their bum preference.

Presumably your bottom was as it is when he first met you?

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 07:54

Op the point is that you could be a super model and he would still find a way to criticise you and undermine your confidence. You will never measure up in his eyes (and nor will any woman) He sounds like a sexist pig and a cruel one at that, picking holes in you.

It seems to me like he has been doing it for years and your life has eroded away in the meantime, unless you can address the root issue: his lack of regard and love for you then you will continue to feel terrible and hateful towards your own body and character and blame yourself for his cruelty.

Your life has become so small and so lacking, that he is allowed to get away with it because you have lost touch with what really matters op.

I think you need help op. I really do Flowers

WishfulThinking34 · 09/08/2021 07:55

Wtf is this actually real life