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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

462 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 08/08/2021 22:58

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 09/08/2021 15:10

You need to wise-up on your legal and financial situation.

She needs to stop letting him financially abuse her, but how can she wise up on the legal front?

She's not married to him and she's tried to protect her equity with a deed of trust.

fuckingsickofcovid · 09/08/2021 15:12

#bumgate

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 15:14

Deed of trust! That is what it is. The solicitor I spoke to said this stands firm.
She also said he can take me to court to force me to sell but obviously this will cost him a lot of f money he won’t have.
I am not selling. I worked hard for this house. Bought my first house when I was 19 or 20, sold it 18 months later for 3 times what I paid for it. Bought this very old house which was a dump and did it up myself, even learned how to tile. We have since made major changes to it increasing its value again. This makes the amount I need to pay him off much larger.
He will be home in 2.5 hours. I will either continue to get the silent treatment or he will say it’s over.
Just to clarify, yes we have had major problems, but we are not one of those couples that split constantly. We have never split up only talked about it. Apart from the times I have been in hospital never spent a night apart - well apart from last March when he moved into the summer house to keep me safe from Covid.... for 40 nights. But we constantly ft and txt.

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 09/08/2021 15:16

By paying for all renovations op is paying towards equity he'll get half of, I would imagine.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 15:17

Also my consultant told me to stay away from unvaccinated people, no shops and all meetings outdoors kept to a minimum. My meds are the cause. Double vaccinated months ago but because I am immune compromised very good chance vaccine did fa.

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 15:19

Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.

Why oh why would you do that?

I would never ask a partner if they found an actress attractive I don't want to hear the answer.

You're clearly not making each other happy.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 15:25

Your misunderstanding, I thought it would make me feel better! I looked at this pretty woman with awesome body and she has tiny arse, I wanted him to fancy her because her arse was similar to mine. I was okay about what he said even though I was surprised he said he likes big bums too as he keeps saying he doesn’t now. Then he thought I was crying and lost his temper. The whole argument now is because of his reaction not what he thought of her arse

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 15:27

@Workinghardeveryday

Your misunderstanding, I thought it would make me feel better! I looked at this pretty woman with awesome body and she has tiny arse, I wanted him to fancy her because her arse was similar to mine. I was okay about what he said even though I was surprised he said he likes big bums too as he keeps saying he doesn’t now. Then he thought I was crying and lost his temper. The whole argument now is because of his reaction not what he thought of her arse
This is all so unnecessary and sounds very high school.

Arguments and crying over bum size.

MrsMayJune · 09/08/2021 15:27

You sold a house for 3 times what you bought it for after 18 months without adding any substantial value to it?

If you can afford this current house on your own, it has a summer house and is large, this man doesn’t really contribute much and you have body image issues with him around, you fear he wants to leave you, etc; why are you feeling so dependent on him?

I don’t get why you feel this level of dependency when you do not need him financially and emotionally the both of you are exhausted. It does not even seem it’s because it f the kids. They are rarely mentioned. Are they his kids.

MrsMayJune · 09/08/2021 15:31

This tiny arse and large arse business is really strange the more I think of it. Why would any woman want a tiny arse or a large arse is beyond me. I don’t think I know of any woman with a tiny arse unless they are very, very thin. Most women I know just have normal arses.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 15:45

Yes, the house market went crazy, it sold in a week!
He does contribute to bills. We both pay in an amount into one account for bills. I would have to find the extra which I cannot afford. Rental prices are crazy here, I very much doubt he could afford even a flat and all the bills if he goes.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 09/08/2021 16:08

I really really recommend counselling just for yourself. You are writing this as though it’s all normal and do not seem to realise it’s far from it.

There seems to be a long standing dialogue and fascination with bums. That’s not normal.

When it got to the point he is sobbing while telling you to get bum surgery to enlarge yourself you became upset. I believe a normal reaction would have been that of shock. Personally, I would have thought I had potentially gone deaf and misheard and on realising I hadn’t would have thought he had gone quite mad and seriously needed a health check up (potential brain tumour) or mental health assistance. I certainly wouldn’t have become embroiled in any dialogue regarding this.

The part about only having him and otherwise being alone. That’s rubbish. You say you have a 15yo and two 10yo’s so I can tell you that’s many years of company right there, like it or not. I certainly can’t shift my buggers out. Irrespective, a normal thought process would be it’s preferable to actually be alone entirely rather than have all this weird bum business going on. It would be a no brainer of a choice for most.

Maybe take the first step by starting counselling and take small steps.

Nicolastuffedone · 09/08/2021 16:20

Yeah, it’s a bummer right enough and he’s an ass…..

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 16:25

I feel really bad for you op. Really bad, and hope your dc are not picking up on your total obsession with body parts.

JulesCobb · 09/08/2021 16:27

I wanted him to fancy her
That alone isnt normal.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 09/08/2021 16:31

I'm stumped with what I read in the original post. Are you ok OP?

Ari202 · 09/08/2021 16:31

“I’d would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery”
WTF.
I’d have told him to go and fuck himself with the giant dick on top of his head and that would have been IT.

How are you even still with him? Never mind doing these bum workouts.
Fucking hell. Raise the bar.

iBrows · 09/08/2021 16:32

Wtf have I just read

KaptainKaveman · 09/08/2021 16:37

Telling you he'd "fuck you if you had bum surgery"? Seriously? If my dh ever dared say anything remotely similar he'd be kicked out. Literally.

You need some self respect OP. He is deliberately grinding you down so he can toy with you. It makes him feel powerful you see. He's a shit. Get rid.

KaptainKaveman · 09/08/2021 16:40

Life is too short for bloody bum exercises every day.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 16:50

But how can he be toying with me if he was very upset about it. This is a man who rarely cry’s and when he does it’s a tear running down his face, face doesn’t change. That night he cried like a toddler, he was devastated as was I.
My initial reaction was one of shock, I had no idea at all!

OP posts:
Miniestelle · 09/08/2021 16:51

Did he say "I would fuck you every night if you had bum implants"?
Or
After 6 hours talking about bums did you say "Would you fuck me every night if I had bum implants"?
To which he agreed. And then started crying.

winterwalksandcoffee · 09/08/2021 16:51

Did he cry because it was 6 hours of a stressful conversation and was breaking down due to being mentally tired

MakemeaCake · 09/08/2021 16:52

We have since made major changes to it increasing its value again. This makes the amount I need to pay him off much larger

@Workinghardeveryday No, it doesn't. You clearly don't understand. You said you are not married. He may get nothing.

Have you not read posts here from women who live with men and will stand to get nothing if they split up?

Your partner will only get half of what he put towards the mortgage. (If anything - it sounds as if you bought your home outright from making so much money on your first home.)

He will not get half the value of the house.

He will however have to pay maintenance for your 3 children.

PLEASE get some legal advice as you are all over the shop with your ideas on finance.

You also have the option facing many 2-income couples, of downsizing once you are single (buy a smaller house, no mortgage, only bills.)

stepupandbecounted · 09/08/2021 16:53

He cried like a baby because your arse is too small.....?

Devastating for him even. Poor diddums.

Jesus holy mother of god this HAS to be a wind up.