I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

And this, my friends, is what happens when people are fed a diet of Love Island and TOWIE etc…..

Yep. It's sad.

Was a big red flag earlier in the year when he was offered the vaccine to keep me safe and he refused, still not had it

Fucking hell, and you're worried that he doesn't like the look of your arse...

Please get some perspective.

I keep thinking of the song from Shrek.

The bum size isn't the problem - your interactions between you are.

He was offered a vaccine to keep you safe? I’d imagine he would have been offered it to first keep himself safe.

I’m not sure everything you are saying adds up. You work part time, he isn’t wealthy and squanders money, the house is so big that there is no risk of your kids hearing an argument. You do all the housework, you pay for everything on your part-time salary, including renovations to the house. How are you all affording your family lifestyle more generally? Sounds like priorities are all over the place. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship and your bottom is the least of the issues.

He was offered the vaccine early well before he was due it as was everyone living with anyone CEV. He doesn’t want it, thinks it’s unfair of me to ask his body his choice.
I bought the house before we met, we aren’t married, engaged but never got round to actually doing it.
Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t hard up by any means but isn’t like super rich or anything near. Any money he has is spent before the end of the month. He saved for the xrp without me knowing and also went overdrawn that month.
I don’t waste money. I don’t go anywhere to spend it and have been due new clothes for years.
We both put money into a joint account for bills then what is left is ours. If I spend its on house/family. He buys for kids and himself. I didn’t even get a Mother’s Day present!

Only you know why you’re in this relationship. Doesn’t sound like a fair deal.

No doubt he will come home tonight and tell me he is leaving. He did say he would if we fell out again

@Workinghardeveryday

No doubt he will come home tonight and tell me he is leaving. He did say he would if we fell out again

I think the majority (not all) view here on MN is that if he does come home tonight and say he is leaving, that is in your interest. Even if painful shorter term, it sounds like the whole incident about him wanting you to have surgery on your arse is only one of the red flags he is waving wildly at the moment. If it was me, I would want to ask him again about his vaccine refusal, given you are CEV - it was offered to him early for a reason so, to me anyway, it is almost criminal that he has refused it. You may find yourself in hospital for reasons other than an arse procedure due to him.

It is what it is and due to Covid I don’t see anyone I am CEV so don’t see any family or friends ever,

@Workinghardeveryday You can see people now- most people with CEV are doing. So if you're not then that's your choice. If you've had your vaccines you wont be as much risk as before. I'd make the most of it, as later in the year there'll probably be a bit more lockdown than there is now. You could see people outside somewhere, then it's very low risk. There's not long left that we're able to do that due to the weather, so I'd make the most of those few weeks/months.

Of course, if a doctor has said you should still shield now, then that's different. Double check with them what they think about it now, which is unlikely to be the same as previously. They'd probably say it's ok to go out and see a few people, just be careful.

Also, seeing loved ones will help you feel more able to leave him.

If he's refused the vaccine despite the risk to your health, that's pretty shit and yet another reason to bin him.

When did the cracks start to show, OP

^*this comment had me literally crying 🤣🤣🙃

I AM ON YOUR SIDE but
I don’t waste money. I don’t go anywhere to spend it and have been due new clothes for years
You do not win prizes for doing this. You cannot blame him for expecting you to sacrifice your own happiness if you are so willing to do it that he's never had to ask you too.

Why are you saving and not spending to be happy?
You do not need to spend all your savings, but you do not get anywhere by making yourself the martyr (I hate that word in this context but you are guilty of it)

I don't think he would leave if you started showing assertiveness, he's never seen you do it.

He doesn't care about your body (in a good way) start acting like the woman you want your daughters to see. This doesn't mean sit him down and list the things you hate about him, it means do shit that you enjoy FOR YOU and do not think about his reaction.

I would bet cash that he will be surprised but will not run for the hills. You've never given him the opportunity to value what you are if you only see yourself as a sex giver

we aren’t married, engaged but never got round to actually doing it.

Oh thank fuck!!

Now if he leaves you becausd your arse isn't big enough (!!!) or you get rid of him; he won't walk.off with half your house value.

Let's face it, he's a selfish, lazy, bad with money, would rather watch porn than have sex, shallow waste of space anyway.

His body, his choice about the vaccines- but its your body he's risking!

Interesting he wknt get a vaccines tk protect your health, his partner abd mother of the
He three kids.... but you're in there fitting in arse exercises every day to get your body how he might like it for him.

The dynamic in your relationship is .. . Fucked up.

He has not a nice person.

*he wknt get a vaccines to protect your health, his partner & mother of the
his three kids.... but you're in there fitting in (alongside a stressful job abd doing all all work around the house and with kids).arse exercises every day to get your body how he might like it for him.

I'd make him getting the vaccine a condition of him continuing to live in your House.

Also it's a very good thing he's too selfish to have contributed towards house renovation costs; because that might have given him a chain towards a payout from it (even unmarried).

*claim

We do jointly own the house though. He was put on the mortgage about 11 years ago. I did get a prenup or whatever to protect my equity first

@Workinghardeveryday

No doubt he will come home tonight and tell me he is leaving. He did say he would if we fell out again

He doesn't sound committed.

It seems like there's more going on, it's strange to fixate on.onr body part (porn fuelled) and not want to have sex because of it. Most people gave things they like abd don't don't about their partner's looks bit they're not important in the wider picture.

I was suspecting that he's not committed in a bigger way.

He's also a wanker incidentally, and you've made yourself a fool mat for him.

A prenup? Unless you have substantial assets and given that you’re not married, none of this makes sense.

You’re winding people up.

@Workinghardeveryday

We do jointly own the house though. He was put on the mortgage about 11 years ago. I did get a prenup or whatever to protect my equity first

Oh well at least you did that.

But he's going to benefit in equity from the renovations he made sure only you paid for.

And he's been spending on what he wants for himself while you've paid for family stuff, which has financially really.

Pre nups aren't really enforceable in the UK to my understanding.

I.imagine op means some other kind of legal agreement.

@MrsMayJune

A prenup? Unless you have substantial assets and given that you’re not married, none of this makes sense.

You’re winding people up.

Prenups are not automatically binding in the UK - they often are not binding as they must meet certain criteria. So, unless a good solicitor drafted this, it does not make sense to be honest.

@Workinghardeveryday

We do jointly own the house though. He was put on the mortgage about 11 years ago. I did get a prenup or whatever to protect my equity first

It's not a pre-nup. It's called a Deed of Trust.

It means where two non-married people buy together, they each get back the equity they put in.

I don't think it can apply to anyone once they are married.

The division of your assets will depend on your own earning power, his, and the needs of your children till they are 18.

Oh.

So you aren't actually married.

You need to wise-up on your legal and financial situation.

You don't have a pre-nup as a) they don't exist in UK law and b) you are not married.

As I said you have a Deed of Trust.

So if your contribution was equity of £50K (ie what you had already paid towards the house) that is still yours.